How It Ends - Tumblr Posts

Revelations

You know.

You know I'm still in love with you.

And I think you might love me too.

Ventriloquism

She is admin she is my friend, she is loud and boisterous and clueless as she grabs me and prattles on about seeing my man-

My brain clicks off right there, she doesn't know she doesn't know how could she not know; her face is large and pale mask-like moving in front of me I do not hear the words coming out, my lips are numb as I find an opening-

"we broke up two months ago."

FML

Oh God if only this dating app would stop suggesting my ex boyfriend.

Shock Value

You tell me you drank like you're proud of it, a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar;

it's none of my business, what's it to me anyway? Like you once told me, it's not like I'm stuck with you, right?

Right.

Divided Joy

There's an insidious voice in the back of my head, it hisses and spits that you only said it out of jealousy.

You see, the last time I told you I loved you, you pushed me so far away we didn't talk for almost a year. So you'll forgive me, my lover, if I'm a little bit gun shy.

Lover Stop, Lover Don't

I'll be whatever you need me to be right now; just please don't put me through that again.

All Aboard The Ativan

I don't ask about him any more; though there are fleeting temptations. I don't look for his truck at the bar or duck my head when I walk into the store. Some nights I stay in again, do laundry, pay my bills.

I am learning to live in the sound of an empty house again and not be scared by my own heartbeat.

If You're Gonna be Petty

He got fat by the way.

In Times of Trouble

I sit beside him waiting my turn for the needles and the ink

our words are casual theater in action the veneer polished to impress

but it's when he tries to kiss me

and kiss me

and kiss me

I wake up realizing I found the steel to tell him no.

Thursday 1301

Every minute ticking by twists the knife a bit deeper.

Anything you can do I can do better, I can do rejection better than you.

WHERE ARE YOU YOU ARE ALL I HAVE

Sunday 0726

I dreamed about you last night.

Just like I prayed to.

Tuesday 2208

I would give anything to dream of you tonight.

Found Out About You

It's almost been a year and I should have moved on by now I know but my chest is a graveyard of undead feelings that rise at the most inconvenient of times.

My right flank itches with the irritability of a healing tattoo and my mind is harder in ways I never dreamed and my house is torn asunder yet still I smile, I laugh, brittle sharp and jagged as always and tomorrow-

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow I will see him. For the first time, in almost a year.

By The Fingertips

It is to my dad that I finally say it out loud, the confession hatched like an ugly egg from deep in my throat:

I wish we would just get caught, and let the chips fall where they may.

I wish that one way or another this could finally be over.

Road Trippin'

I sleep beside him at the ocean side, we match well in the dark at least, even if it's a struggle by daylight. He is chameleon, and difficult to read, but oh so gentle when he touches my hip or strokes my hair.

I struggle to let go of work my kids the bills, I struggle to simply be and be in the moment with this stranger who already knows the flaws of my body.

I think quite likely I will never hear from him again once this trip has ended, I think it is a job interview that I am failing and I do not know quite what to say, when he watches from hooded eyes, and mocks so subtle that most miss it.

I come home. My legs are tired. My soul is grateful. My sex is satisfied.

And you have blocked my incoming messages, here we are we could not salvage it, you have decided there is nothing worth fighting for.

I will always be your friend, even if you are not mine.

Monday 1932

You know, I can handle the thought of you not loving me anymore, when in really comes down to it. But it's the thought of you not needing me that tears me apart.

Saturday 2158

I dreamed of you last night; that your wife died on Christmas day, and that I hovered around you like some sort of compassionate vulture.

I disgust myself.