Things I Can't Tell You - Tumblr Posts
[some dialogue from my upcoming fic]
"That's horrible advice. This is why you can't get girls to date you."
"I dated Na Soojin from the comp sci department last year!"
"For a week."
Thursday 1920
I can see me rising upon you breathless encouragement all hands and sweat and slapping flesh we know one another like our own skin, I know the catch in your breath that tells me how to move and when
and then I disassociate and see you my best friend so gentle and flawed and the things we do in private seem utterly unreal, I am split between realities.
54 Grit
"But it would be nice you know? If I was coming home to someone who cares, someone who is proud of the work I do"
Your lips are abrading my skin, excoriating while you hold my hand, sanding me open into a bleeding wound. And I am mute as always, eyes flicking away before you can see the damage done so thoughtlessly, throat clenching because because because because it's only like this
by
your
choice.
Monday 1735
I finally realized it today, you are never going to leave her.
No matter how much I love you. No matter who I walk away from.
You are never, ever going to be mine.
Thursday 1934
I think it is over.
Again.
Monday 1809
And in the East your sun rises
commands
returns
by daybreak your god has arrived commanding sacrifice what you give
will never be enough to satisfy her appetite voracious all thirsting all demanding
and I will watch from afar as you kneel to worship once more.
Monday 2009
I need a break from the things that hurt, and it may be only for a little while or it may be longer; but you and I will always find our way back to one another no matter what happens.
I am the one who is always happy to see you, who never has to fake it, who always knows you can do more and wants to know how you will, but-
I am not the one you want those things from, and that is where our magnets flip their poles and the resistance begins.
I'm going to have dinner with someone soon, who is looking directly at me, instead of at a ghost standing over my shoulder; I'll fuck you out from under my skin if I have to.
You and I will always find our way back to one another, but I need a break from the hurt, at least for a little while.
Friday 1946
"Tomorrow" we used to whisper
"Tomorrow" our mantra, our hold on a little longer till we can touch and melt and find release in one another, but
"Tomorrow" is different now, forbidden in a new way
"You don't destroy the things that are good for you" my friend said
"I do. It's what I'm good at"
Because "Tomorrow" is just another crack in the facade now, the acid bath I threw us into
"Tomorrow" is just business again.
Road Trippin'
I sleep beside him at the ocean side, we match well in the dark at least, even if it's a struggle by daylight. He is chameleon, and difficult to read, but oh so gentle when he touches my hip or strokes my hair.
I struggle to let go of work my kids the bills, I struggle to simply be and be in the moment with this stranger who already knows the flaws of my body.
I think quite likely I will never hear from him again once this trip has ended, I think it is a job interview that I am failing and I do not know quite what to say, when he watches from hooded eyes, and mocks so subtle that most miss it.
I come home. My legs are tired. My soul is grateful. My sex is satisfied.
And you have blocked my incoming messages, here we are we could not salvage it, you have decided there is nothing worth fighting for.
I will always be your friend, even if you are not mine.
Monday 1932
You know, I can handle the thought of you not loving me anymore, when in really comes down to it. But it's the thought of you not needing me that tears me apart.