I Hate When I, A Completely Healthy Person (very Chronically Ill), Get Sick (flare Up) For No Reason

i hate when i, a completely healthy person (very chronically ill), get sick (flare up) for no reason at all (i exerted myself way past my limit just cuz i didn’t wanna be “annoying”)

Trying not to cry because I really like how my makeup turned out today

Tw: suicide and slight mention of abuse

I seer to fucking God I can't keep doing this, I just can't. I don't want to be here.

Why does everything feel so intense? Why is everything too much for me? Why is it hard to just exist?

I just want to feel safe again. I don't want to lay in bed and be scared of something? I don't even know what I'm scared of?

I need someone who can protect me, someone who would protect me. Someone to stay by my side while I fight.

This is my fight, but I want someone to give me some cover.

I want someone to hold me when I get too weak. I want him.

He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel better. He. Him. I want him. I- I don't know what I'm doing?

Wait, I figured out what caused this breakdown, I showered and put his shit in the laundry...

That is a silly reason and it's not the reason, more of the last straw.

Everything has just been piling up. Like a house of cards and this was the card that broke everything down.

I feel so safe with him. Why?? Like, normally I am scared of everyone. Even people that I can physically overpower. But him.

He makes me feel safe. Even tho I wouldn't stand a chance against him. I am not scared of him. When I think of him I think of strong hand, long hair and soft kisses.

All things that comfort me.

When I think about anyone else, there is always also something that scares me. My friends can blackmail me. My parents can hit me. Strangers can do terrible things to me.

I can't ignore those concerns.

With him I don't have them??

Whattt???

I don't get it, it doesn't make any sense??

I want to hug him. I want to hold him in my arms and make him feel better too...

I don't know how to comfort people. I don't know how to make him feel safe and loved.

I feel all these emotions but I can't express them, they are stuck in my throat and in my hands.

I'm too tired.

Okay, I texted him.

He is still alive.

:))

I'm okay again. Pretty funny how much I worry about him...

He played guitar today, I love when he plays guitar, it makes me happy.

He is really good at it, and his voice is beautiful too.

He looks so right when he is making music. He seems to be doing better and feeling stuff.

I like him, hehe.

I really do :)

I texted him and it was okay :)

I thought he had been angry at me, but apparently he actually wasn't. I should stop interpretating everything.

I like himmmm.

Ahhhhhhh

I want to spend a lazy day with someone.

And when I day someone I mean him.

Getting up late, I'll cook breakfast and wash the dishes while he watches YouTube or even better plays guitar and we are just lazy together.

Bathing together. Rubbing his back and braiding his hair while watching some stupid movie.

Baking together and telling each other off for eating thr dough. Little top of the head kisses and then I'll cook us a good dinner and when I clean he is there hugging me from behind.

We go to bed, maybe reading a boon to one another and just existing together.

Cuddling and living.

When I'm crying but he texts me and now I'm giggling and he makes me so happy that I'm crying again but it's good crying.