Tw: Ed

Tw: ed

I don't know if I'm getting sick or if it's the lack of food troubling my body.

I really gotta star to think about what I want to do.

Because like, someone telling me to do what I want is really overwhelming.

Like, how should I know?? What do I want?

And also, do you want it? How should I know? Yell me yes or no please?? Because I can't read minds and it's hard to decide if I don't know of you want it or not.

I really have to work on that.

But hey, at least my poetry book is going really well. I am sorting through all my poems rn and decide which will actually stay in the book and I already have 23 :)

We are on our challenge of don't text him again, wahoo!

Yeah, no, I feel like shit when I text him and bother him and I even mixed up two days and that was terrible I felt so bad.

But I also feel like shit when I am not checking in with him. I have no idea how he is doing?? He could have been kidnapped or be dying right now and I wouldn't know.

I talked to people form dbt (a type of group therapy) and they knew exactly what I was talking about which was really nice.

But I'm just gonna not text him because that seems less annoying?

Tw: mention of sh, drugs, overdose, sexualization

I had a dream and it was so weird.

Like, at first at was more of a nightmare, everyone left me, I was self harming in the dream and I looked like shit.

Anyway, when I got to my room in the camp where the dream was playing, there were two men and that is awesome.

Because I asked if I could have a cigarette and one of them made me one and there were drugs everywhere and the man just gave me the drugs for free when I asked.

And they were like really nice and told me I looked pretty (even tho my face was all red and swollen from crying) and explained how to take the drugs that I haven't taken before.

And they were like also really big on concent, since one of the drugs was a love drug and they were like, you both gotta consent!

And I think they also kissed once and laughed and than I think I died because of an overdoses and woke up??

It was so weird, anyway, I really want to actually meet two people like those two, I just wanna be held and comforted...

Maybe I'll just go back to sexualizing myself for attention, it's easier and I really want to feel wanted rn.

But I also know that it's a terrible choice...

What should I actually do? I don't know, I just don't know.

Painnnnnnn

Someone please knock me out so I don't have to feel this anymore

Tw: ed

I think I'm doing not good.

I am feeling nauseous and dizzy and everything is spinning and there are black spots everywhere.

But I've missed this. I've missed it so much...