10/10/2024

10/10/2024

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Guess who just dropped out of intensive outpatient therapy!! /sarc

Okay but in all seriousness though, i fucking HATE intensive outpatient, why the fuck did I even agree to go?

OH WAIT! Because I can't see my main therapist everyday and I wanted to get the help I needed to not only try and be a better person in general, but to also learn how to cope with certain situations because everything's so damn overwhelming and the coping mechanisms I did try made me feel worse.

But instead I just got a bunch of condescending assholes who have no mental health experience whatsoever.

So, in intensive outpatient, we get to do this thing called "processing time", which is basically where you vent about your trauma to the whole group and the therapist can give advice for how to deal with it (eg: tips for dealing with boundary issues), and patients are allowed to give their own advice that they believe can be helpful in that moment.

The problem? I didn't get to do process time at all. Instead this kid named Skyler just hogged up all the processing time by talking about their family issues and ignoring any and all advice given to them (fuck you skyler btw, nobody fucking cares about how your sister is a violent little asshole.)

Also, the staff were so fucking condescending and rude to everyone in the group I was in, especially that one psych ed teacher we had today. She was complaining nonstop about "oh, i'm so tired of this job, this is all stupid bullshit" all while she was reading out the lesson for today, AND THEN SHE DISMISSED US EARLY BECAUSE "I'm done with this shit".

Literally the whole time all I could think was "shut up you annoying ass bitch I'm going to stab you if you don't shut the fuck up." and I was even contemplating dumping my *freshly made* hot cocoa all over her because she wouldn't shut her mouth.

If you're so sick of your job, then why not just find another one??? You're a fucking psych ed teacher for a pretty high level therapy program and you probably get paid a lot to do this shit and therefore have the privilege of finding another job.

OH! did forgot to mention that there also a lot of ableist jokes against autism being thrown around in process time today and everyday it was really loud and overstimulating and I wasn't allowed to have my headphones at all the whole time despite them knowing I'm autistic and deal with overstimulation.

And also someone got the whole group to gang up on another patient over some drama that happened between them, and he couldn't even speak up about it because "oh, she was just processing! you're invalidating her!" (and fyi, this was during the transition period between psych ed and processing, so no she was not processing). Man do I feel so bad for him, because he did not deserve that..

And just in general I was being completely ignored by everyone, getting interrupted and being told to be quiet because "they need to process and you're interrupting them." BITCH FUCK YOU, YOU'RE THE ONE INTERRUPTING THEM WITH STUPID AND OFF-TOPIC CONVERSATIONS, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME TO SHUT UP???

So yeah, I dropped out after all that shit happened.

I fucking hate therapy so much, I had literally tried EVERYTHING and yet nothing got better. If anything, I actually feel so much worse and I became more toxic to the people around me as the years went by.

What's the point in even trying anymore if I'm never gonna get better in the first place??

I'm contemplating just quitting therapy in general and sticking to just mindlessly scrolling on the internet for the rest of my life, I'm fucking worthless anyway.

Fuck this, fuck therapy, fuck mental health, fuck it all. These fucking bitch asses do not know ANYTHING.

Oh, unrelated, but it's tony crynight's birthday, but I'm not gonna celebrate this year because I'm still in a split with him.

God I hate being mentally ill...

it feels like everyone has their own friend groups and im just a dog that trails behind

10/16/2024

I wanna save up some money for something, but idk what to save up for.

I don't have a job, but my mom pays me for doing chores around the house, and so far, I have $21.84 in physical money (dollar bills and coins)

Here are some of the things I'm wanting to get (including amount I want to save up and why I want it):

* A new computer and a capture card - so I can start doing live streams on youtube and make money off of that (since the computers I do have are actual dog shit for streaming and i wanna make money off of that). I already have a switch so I can stream minecraft if I wanted. (around $100-$500 depending on the quality, brand and any features I want. I am wanting a windows 10 computer btw, fuck windows 11)

Some makeup stuff - yes, I wear makeup sometimes lol (about $20-$30 depending on what I decide to get, including a vanity mirror with lights so I can see wtf i'm doing)

Some new clothes - specifically from hot topic because I don't have a lot of alt clothes at home T-T (about $200 since hot topic is expensive as fuck, at least here in colorado)

* some anime figurines - I'm wanting to start a collection since I think a lot of the anime figurines are really cool and also I got nothing better to do with my life lmao (check out my intro post on @nozomi-anime if you wanna see my current collection) (about $100 since at the place I want to get mine at, they're really expensive due to the quality and value, and this doesn't include shelving btw since my dad can help out with that since he's a carpenter and works with wood shit)

* Some tony crynight merchandise - I know I'm in a split with him atm but honestly fuck it. (about $50 since I only want the "in my heart" mug to display on my shelf and maybe the red wolf skull shirt so I can style it with my other clothes lmao)

An aromantic and nonbinary flag - I'm pansexual, aromantic and nonbinary, and the only flags I have are the pansexual and trans flag (and a small paper aromantic flag I made myself), so it'd be nice to have the other flags :> (about $20-$50 depending on the quality and brand)

Either a bike or a skateboard - just so that I can get around my neighborhood more easily (I hate walking ;-;) ($50-$100 depending on what I decide to get, the accessories I want and the quality)

A canopy bed frame - The sun's so fucking bright when I wake up in the mornings and I hate it, and my sister won't let me have my old bed frame (fucking asshole...) ($200 since I found one I liked)

Other bedroom stuff - I was gonna buy some while I was redecorating my room but never went through with it, and some of my furniture in my room is... not in the greatest condition, let's just say. (about $1k since furniture is SUPER expensive)

The ones with a * on them are the ones I REALLY wanna save up for, but I don't really know which on out of all of these would be a good investment.

"It's no big surprise you turned out this way, When they closed their eyes and prayed you would change, And they cut your hair and sent you away, You stopped by my house the night you escaped, With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay, You said, 'Hey, man, I love you, but no fucking way' " ~Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms

Still find it hard to believe that people forget I had to deal with a lot of long term trauma and it's manifested into this disorder that completely distorts my perceptions of relationships and self image and will display shitty behavior because of said disorder impacting me in some way.

10/9/2024

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Quick update on the tony crynight situation:

he saw my message and didn't respond. He left me on read.

He knows I'm trying to get his attention and he fucking ignored me. 

Welp, I guess I know now why he won't respond to me.

I want to fucking kill myself so bad rn, he wouldn't even care if I did anyway.

He's too busy giving those pathetic assholes he calls "fans" a lot more attention than me, when I was the one who made several discord servers dedicated to him, made countless pieces of fan art for him, HELL, I EVEN MADE A GOD DAMN SLIDESHOW PRESENTATION AND SHOWED IT TO MY SPEECH AND DEBATE CLASS BACK IN 2023.

And yet.. Despite all of my efforts, nothing...

He doesn't care about me at all, so what's the point in idolizing him anymore..?

I just hope I get groomed so that I can find someone else to get attached to instead...

I wish he actually liked me...

you ignore me because you hate me. admit it. now. go. vamos