You Ignore Me Because You Hate Me. Admit It. Now. Go. Vamos

you ignore me because you hate me. admit it. now. go. vamos

10/10/2024

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Guess who just dropped out of intensive outpatient therapy!! /sarc

Okay but in all seriousness though, i fucking HATE intensive outpatient, why the fuck did I even agree to go?

OH WAIT! Because I can't see my main therapist everyday and I wanted to get the help I needed to not only try and be a better person in general, but to also learn how to cope with certain situations because everything's so damn overwhelming and the coping mechanisms I did try made me feel worse.

But instead I just got a bunch of condescending assholes who have no mental health experience whatsoever.

So, in intensive outpatient, we get to do this thing called "processing time", which is basically where you vent about your trauma to the whole group and the therapist can give advice for how to deal with it (eg: tips for dealing with boundary issues), and patients are allowed to give their own advice that they believe can be helpful in that moment.

The problem? I didn't get to do process time at all. Instead this kid named Skyler just hogged up all the processing time by talking about their family issues and ignoring any and all advice given to them (fuck you skyler btw, nobody fucking cares about how your sister is a violent little asshole.)

Also, the staff were so fucking condescending and rude to everyone in the group I was in, especially that one psych ed teacher we had today. She was complaining nonstop about "oh, i'm so tired of this job, this is all stupid bullshit" all while she was reading out the lesson for today, AND THEN SHE DISMISSED US EARLY BECAUSE "I'm done with this shit".

Literally the whole time all I could think was "shut up you annoying ass bitch I'm going to stab you if you don't shut the fuck up." and I was even contemplating dumping my *freshly made* hot cocoa all over her because she wouldn't shut her mouth.

If you're so sick of your job, then why not just find another one??? You're a fucking psych ed teacher for a pretty high level therapy program and you probably get paid a lot to do this shit and therefore have the privilege of finding another job.

OH! did forgot to mention that there also a lot of ableist jokes against autism being thrown around in process time today and everyday it was really loud and overstimulating and I wasn't allowed to have my headphones at all the whole time despite them knowing I'm autistic and deal with overstimulation.

And also someone got the whole group to gang up on another patient over some drama that happened between them, and he couldn't even speak up about it because "oh, she was just processing! you're invalidating her!" (and fyi, this was during the transition period between psych ed and processing, so no she was not processing). Man do I feel so bad for him, because he did not deserve that..

And just in general I was being completely ignored by everyone, getting interrupted and being told to be quiet because "they need to process and you're interrupting them." BITCH FUCK YOU, YOU'RE THE ONE INTERRUPTING THEM WITH STUPID AND OFF-TOPIC CONVERSATIONS, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME TO SHUT UP???

So yeah, I dropped out after all that shit happened.

I fucking hate therapy so much, I had literally tried EVERYTHING and yet nothing got better. If anything, I actually feel so much worse and I became more toxic to the people around me as the years went by.

What's the point in even trying anymore if I'm never gonna get better in the first place??

I'm contemplating just quitting therapy in general and sticking to just mindlessly scrolling on the internet for the rest of my life, I'm fucking worthless anyway.

Fuck this, fuck therapy, fuck mental health, fuck it all. These fucking bitch asses do not know ANYTHING.

Oh, unrelated, but it's tony crynight's birthday, but I'm not gonna celebrate this year because I'm still in a split with him.

God I hate being mentally ill...

haha real (I just remembered how fucked up our society is and now i wanna kms)

I feel like shit

"It's no big surprise you turned out this way, When they closed their eyes and prayed you would change, And they cut your hair and sent you away, You stopped by my house the night you escaped, With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay, You said, 'Hey, man, I love you, but no fucking way' " ~Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms

Still find it hard to believe that people forget I had to deal with a lot of long term trauma and it's manifested into this disorder that completely distorts my perceptions of relationships and self image and will display shitty behavior because of said disorder impacting me in some way.

REAL, and it gets worse when they actually confirm your beliefs by getting mad at you for having that belief in the first place.

i hate that BPD gives me such a lack of emotional permanence.

you can spend hours describing the ways in which you care about me, yet the moment you stop my brain will immediately decide you hate me and are destined to leave me.

Looking for a partner

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Please read all the way for my boundaries, criteria, and who I have picked as candidates. Thank you.

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So, we all know at how there's been a ton of grooming allegations being thrown against people right?

And we all know how when you point out any flaws in the accusations people will send an entire hate mob against you right?

Honestly, fuck it and fuck you society.

atp, I'm already mentally fucked anyway, so let's find me a partner! I'm sick of being an incel anyway.

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Here is some of my criteria:

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must be around 18 to 39 years old (NO OLDER OR YOUNGER THAN THAT)

Can be any gender (though i'd prefer anyone that's AMAB since I don't know if AFAB to AFAB sex is gonna work out for me)

Must be able to give me as much attention as they can (with the exception of work, school, or any important things that will deter me from being able to speak with you)

Must have knowledge about BPD and how it works (because I don't want to deal with someone getting mad at me over showing a BPD trait. If you don't already know much I recommend researching it before coming to me.)

Is comfortable with sex or sexual topics (bonus points if you talk about sexual topics a lot)

Must have similar interests (I like five nights at freddy's and minecraft :> Tony crynight is my special interest)

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Here are some of the candidates I chose based off this criteria (though someone else can always ask me out if they meet this criteria too :>):

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Tony Crynight (30) (to make up for all the time he's been ignoring me)

YandereDev (36)

Synnibear03 (21) (she seems nice :3)

PumpkinTheGentleman (19) (I love his art and he's funny)

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If you're one of the lucky people who are on this list or meet the criteria above that list, please DM me!

Discord: Nozomi Kaizoku #0644 (though you can DM me from any of my other socials as well)

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My boundaries:

[Note: when I split from someone, my views on a person turn negative when they were originally positive, and I have a tendency to block the person in question and refuse to unblock them until after I have gone out of a split. Either I love someone or hate them.]

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Please use he/they/it pronouns for me (most basic boundary)

If I'm discussing something opinion based (like online drama), don't switch up on me mid-discussion, it will cause me to split from you. It will come off as invalidation, which is extremely triggering to me.

If you need to criticize my behavior, please be gentle about it. I struggle with handling criticism due to trauma (though I am working on it in therapy), and it can be triggering for me sometimes.

PLEASE let me know of any boundaries you want me to follow IN ADVANCE, and if I break a boundary on accident, correct me. I had an issue with this regarding an ex-friend in the past and it (alongside the witch up) resulted in me going into a crisis (and losing that friend of course).

Please use tone tags when discussing anything with me. I won't immediately know your tone, and I will think you're mad at me if I perceive it that way, which can be distressing for me.

Please don't actively ignore me or refuse to acknowledge my existence until I go into a crisis or if I start to display harmful behaviors. This will cause me to believe that you don't care about how I actually feel and will cause me to split.

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That's about it! hope you're interested!