"It's No Big Surprise You Turned Out This Way,When They Closed Their Eyes And Prayed You Would Change,And

"It's no big surprise you turned out this way, When they closed their eyes and prayed you would change, And they cut your hair and sent you away, You stopped by my house the night you escaped, With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay, You said, 'Hey, man, I love you, but no fucking way' " ~Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms

Still find it hard to believe that people forget I had to deal with a lot of long term trauma and it's manifested into this disorder that completely distorts my perceptions of relationships and self image and will display shitty behavior because of said disorder impacting me in some way.

this but instead of just my parents it's also the american school system (and school had a greater impact on me btw)

Also my ex friends manipulated me for years and are pissed that I know the truth about them.

How come parents just casually neglect you in your childhood, purposefully get you addicted to your device and are now crying because of how their child turned out, as if it wasn’t completely their fault

10/16/2024

I wanna save up some money for something, but idk what to save up for.

I don't have a job, but my mom pays me for doing chores around the house, and so far, I have $21.84 in physical money (dollar bills and coins)

Here are some of the things I'm wanting to get (including amount I want to save up and why I want it):

* A new computer and a capture card - so I can start doing live streams on youtube and make money off of that (since the computers I do have are actual dog shit for streaming and i wanna make money off of that). I already have a switch so I can stream minecraft if I wanted. (around $100-$500 depending on the quality, brand and any features I want. I am wanting a windows 10 computer btw, fuck windows 11)

Some makeup stuff - yes, I wear makeup sometimes lol (about $20-$30 depending on what I decide to get, including a vanity mirror with lights so I can see wtf i'm doing)

Some new clothes - specifically from hot topic because I don't have a lot of alt clothes at home T-T (about $200 since hot topic is expensive as fuck, at least here in colorado)

* some anime figurines - I'm wanting to start a collection since I think a lot of the anime figurines are really cool and also I got nothing better to do with my life lmao (check out my intro post on @nozomi-anime if you wanna see my current collection) (about $100 since at the place I want to get mine at, they're really expensive due to the quality and value, and this doesn't include shelving btw since my dad can help out with that since he's a carpenter and works with wood shit)

* Some tony crynight merchandise - I know I'm in a split with him atm but honestly fuck it. (about $50 since I only want the "in my heart" mug to display on my shelf and maybe the red wolf skull shirt so I can style it with my other clothes lmao)

An aromantic and nonbinary flag - I'm pansexual, aromantic and nonbinary, and the only flags I have are the pansexual and trans flag (and a small paper aromantic flag I made myself), so it'd be nice to have the other flags :> (about $20-$50 depending on the quality and brand)

Either a bike or a skateboard - just so that I can get around my neighborhood more easily (I hate walking ;-;) ($50-$100 depending on what I decide to get, the accessories I want and the quality)

A canopy bed frame - The sun's so fucking bright when I wake up in the mornings and I hate it, and my sister won't let me have my old bed frame (fucking asshole...) ($200 since I found one I liked)

Other bedroom stuff - I was gonna buy some while I was redecorating my room but never went through with it, and some of my furniture in my room is... not in the greatest condition, let's just say. (about $1k since furniture is SUPER expensive)

The ones with a * on them are the ones I REALLY wanna save up for, but I don't really know which on out of all of these would be a good investment.

10/9/2024

--

Quick update on the tony crynight situation:

he saw my message and didn't respond. He left me on read.

He knows I'm trying to get his attention and he fucking ignored me. 

Welp, I guess I know now why he won't respond to me.

I want to fucking kill myself so bad rn, he wouldn't even care if I did anyway.

He's too busy giving those pathetic assholes he calls "fans" a lot more attention than me, when I was the one who made several discord servers dedicated to him, made countless pieces of fan art for him, HELL, I EVEN MADE A GOD DAMN SLIDESHOW PRESENTATION AND SHOWED IT TO MY SPEECH AND DEBATE CLASS BACK IN 2023.

And yet.. Despite all of my efforts, nothing...

He doesn't care about me at all, so what's the point in idolizing him anymore..?

I just hope I get groomed so that I can find someone else to get attached to instead...

I wish he actually liked me...