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I gotta

So one of those batfam interferes with a cult ritual where the cult is offering/sacrificing a bride to the King of the Dead to gain his favor but something happens and a batkid ends up in the ritual circle instead stories BUT make it funny

BATFAM AFTER A TIRELESS WEEK OF FIGURING OUT HOW TO GET JASON (Jason? idk we'll go with Jason for this blub) BACK

THE ROOM FLOODS WITH LIGHT AND JASON IS REVEALED IN THE CIRCLE

Jason: ah! What the hell guys?!

Nightwing: we brought you home- what are you wearing

Jason, in beach clothes holding a ectoplasm icee in one hand and his sunglasses in the other while being noticeably tanner and with a giant gemstone ring on his finger: clothes. Why the hell did you guys bring me back?! I was enjoying my vacation

Robin: vacation? You were abducted by a supernatural force for the purposes of a forced marriage to a monstrous entity.

Red Robin: who was it by the way? Hades? Satan?

Jason: Danny.

Jason: *takes loud sip of icee*

Jason: my fiancé's name is Danny but his "ruling name" or whatever is High King Phantom. He's the ghost king.

Batman: that is a more obscure diety than we expected. Did you discover how to break the marriage contract?

Jason: break the marriage contract? Why would I want to do that?!

Robin: because you were abducted.

Jason: yeah but then he cured my pit rage and he's a absolute sweetheart and funny. Now send me back. This is why none of you were invited to my bachelor party which you so rudely kidnapped me from

Batman: no.

Jason: no? Im getting married in two days and none of you are blowing this for me. Send me back or I wont give you any favors once I become queen or consort or whatever I'll be. Let me live out my shitty romance novel dreams

The list of people who know that Robin 2 is now Red Hood is small but the Riddler is one of them and I’ll explain why

12 year old Jason as Robin: Hey Riddler! How do you confuse an idiot?

Riddler: How?

Jason: Bicycle

Riddler: That doesn’t make any sense

Jason: I guess we found the idiot then

Riddler: …

Riddler: When you die, I won’t send flowers to the funeral

Jason: You better check my grave yourself to make sure I’m really gone

~years later~

Red Hood: Hey Riddler

Red Hood: Looks like someone forgot to check my grave

So one of those batfam interferes with a cult ritual where the cult is offering/sacrificing a bride to the King of the Dead to gain his favor but something happens and a batkid ends up in the ritual circle instead stories BUT make it funny

BATFAM AFTER A TIRELESS WEEK OF FIGURING OUT HOW TO GET JASON (Jason? idk we'll go with Jason for this blub) BACK

THE ROOM FLOODS WITH LIGHT AND JASON IS REVEALED IN THE CIRCLE

Jason: ah! What the hell guys?!

Nightwing: we brought you home- what are you wearing

Jason, in beach clothes holding a ectoplasm icee in one hand and his sunglasses in the other while being noticeably tanner and with a giant gemstone ring on his finger: clothes. Why the hell did you guys bring me back?! I was enjoying my vacation

Robin: vacation? You were abducted by a supernatural force for the purposes of a forced marriage to a monstrous entity.

Red Robin: who was it by the way? Hades? Satan?

Jason: Danny.

Jason: *takes loud sip of icee*

Jason: my fiancé's name is Danny but his "ruling name" or whatever is High King Phantom. He's the ghost king.

Batman: that is a more obscure diety than we expected. Did you discover how to break the marriage contract?

Jason: break the marriage contract? Why would I want to do that?!

Robin: because you were abducted.

Jason: yeah but then he cured my pit rage and he's a absolute sweetheart and funny. Now send me back. This is why none of you were invited to my bachelor party which you so rudely kidnapped me from

Batman: no.

Jason: no? Im getting married in two days and none of you are blowing this for me. Send me back or I wont give you any favors once I become queen or consort or whatever I'll be. Let me live out my shitty romance novel dreams

So my brain has been trying to cha cha slide out of my skull for the past two days. I’ve also been playing My Time at Sandrock. For some reason, I contently forget that the Blue Moon has a second floor even though I visit the Blue Moon almost daily. Weird blind spot to pop up because of the migraines. So, this whole time I was stuck on the Bronco the Kid scenes, because I forgot that the Blue Moon has a second floor(i also forgot about Bronco’s letter). I replayed that month thinking it was a bug.

Anyway, the wonderful people on the Pathea bug reporting team, informed me of the second floor and were just great.

Hello new headcanon. Can we add Pen crashing Owen’s story telling nights and be like, “BROTHER! WILL YOU NOT TELL TALES OF MY MANY HEROIC ACCOMPLISHMENTS?” And Owen can’t like go anywhere because he’s in the middle of a story and there’s no place to hide.

No Pathea really, why the hell aren’t Pen and Owen fraternal siblings with polarizing personalities and Owen speed walking away when he sees Pen in town or ducking behind counters and Pen greeting him with a swish of his cape and a “brOTHER, I REQUEST NOURISHMENT AND REFRESHMENTS” like why don’t we have that?

I’m getting real tired of the Hoe-bots

My ADHD is out of control, I just spent the past three hours hyperfixated on making two or maybe three pounds of mac and cheese from scratch at my equivalent of 1 am. I did this instead of sleeping. I also used no measurements, just used feeling, I ended up cooking 1.5 pounds of elbows, two pounds+ of extra sharp cheddar cheese, random cheese I had in my fridge, some butter and some milk.

Hey, can y’all rb this if it’s okay to send you messages asking about your ocs, cause on god I wanna interact with y’all but I am terrified of being annoying lol

@evandarya How did I not notice this gem? It’s fantastic, I love it, please tell me you have a Ao3 and you’re going to continue this wonderful thing you’ve made! If not that’s fine, just know I love it!

I had a fever induced thought and I need to make it everyone else's problem too. Jazz beating the ever loving shit out of someone from Gotham(random mugger, the Joker, whoever), to the song Uptown Girl by Billy Joel. Extra funny if the batfam is watching especially if she's beating Joker and Jason is watching.

Short DPXDC Prompts #387

Whenever Danny’s body dies he dissolves and rises from the nearest source of ectoplasm fully formed in a phoenix like fashion. How could this ability cause him to have interesting encounters with heroes?

I have no idea if anyone has pointed this out, and I wouldn’t have the balls to post this if my brain wasn’t trying to cha cha slide out of my skull, but how is anyone shocked that Bruce ‘I can’t kill even once or I become a spree killer and maybe an edge lord clown’ Wayne produced the stab happy Damian Wayne. I mean, yeah he was raised by the League, but whenever Bruce kills someone he seems to loose all control and it’s just a blood bath after that. Bruce himself admits that if he killed once he wouldn’t be able to stop. How is it a shock that Damian turned out the way he did. Actually if you think of it, Damian is better in this than Bruce. Damian has killed before and in comics and/or movies where Damian stays with Bruce, he stops killing. Damian has the self control and will where his father doesn’t.

Christ on a bike it’s been so long. I think I was like 10 and I think it was Inuyasha or Yu-Gi-Oh. I’m 31, oh holy hell, I’ve been in this hole for 21 years, my fanfiction hole can drink alcohol in the US.

so.

i guess fanfiction wasn’t a phase….

I had a fever induced thought and I need to make it everyone else's problem too. Jazz beating the ever loving shit out of someone from Gotham(random mugger, the Joker, whoever), to the song Uptown Girl by Billy Joel. Extra funny if the batfam is watching especially if she's beating Joker and Jason is watching.

I watched a video on Furries

My Tiktok’s FYP gave me a video of a person explaining how they act as a furry, I think it was a stitch or something, and within the first like ten second I was suddenly hit with the realization that sooooo many people probably thought I was a furry when I was in high school and not an undiagnosed autistic kid that had a hyperfixation on cats and thus copied their behavior instead of humans. This is both horrifying and hilarious. More hilarious cause I have accepted that I live on chaos vibes and that I was just a super weird child/teenager... Oh my stars, I’m ace and that makes it funnier!

My brain is trying to cha cha slide out of my skull.

Story Time!

So my brother is a weird dude that just finds himself in weird situations while I am the agent of chaos that either helps him get into those situations or just cackles at his misfortune. Here is a story where I just cackled and it’s from my brother’s perspective and words.

So, I'm driving and I take a wrong turn. I pull off into a dead end quick to check the map on my phone. This... unmarked car follows behind me and stops. This is a very unpolice looking car. So like a Saturn. Three guys get out, walking towards me, and I just get the feeling they're cops. Now, my first reaction is "oh no! They saw me on my phone!" So I put it away and start fiddling with my water bottle, acting like I don't see them. When they approached my window, they surrounded me. I look at guy 1 through the drivers side window, guy 2 in the back drivers side window, guy 3 through the passengers window, then back to guy 1. These men are wearing tan combat gear, thick, bullet PROOF vests, ammo pouches, a damn sub-machine gun, shiny police badges, and the look of a man that has given CPR to a dying child and failed. Guy 1, presumably done with my glassy eyed stare, tells me to get out of the car. I do, because whatever the hell this is, I know I stand not a snowballs chance in hell at making a difference. So they start rooting through my car. Didn't ask if they could, but I wasn't about to tell Thing #2 "No, you can't look through my empty backseat." I'm standing off to the side, getting padded for weapons by Thing #1 while Thing #2 brings a baggie of white pills to me, asking if I know what these are. I never saw that bag of pills before in my life, so I tell him something he's never heard before. "I've never seen that before in my life." I'm pretty sure he believed me, but he went and tested the pills anyway. Came back 5 minutes later saying "It's Tylenol." Then I remember having a mild headache months ago, and my mother insisting I carry a loose bag of pills in the car. Thanks mom.... Finally they pop my trunk and they pull out a copy of The Anarchist Cookbook. You know, the book that teaches you how to make bombs, napalm, drugs, chlorine gas, and counter government surveillance. That book. They turn to me, asking why I have this and without an ounce of self awareness, I say "You know, I've been meaning to page through that lately". As if they had asked me if I considered reading Catcher in the Rye. The three just look at each other with genuine confusion and tell me "You're a weird dude." I have to wonder what this experience was like from their perspective. Young kid parked in the wrong part of town, staring dumbly at both of your mates, acting shifty as fuck with a concealed bag of headache pills, telling you he finds to topic of illegal shit interesting. Wtf can you arrest him for? They let me go, and I finally sighed in relief as I drove away. So happy that they didn't find the baggie of weed I stuffed in my boot.

Back To Work Karen

Karen: I didn’t have to do this before.

Me:*not yet murderous and smiling* well it’s become part of our new protocols

Karen: Why?

Me: *still not quite murderous* The powers that be said so.

Karen: But why?

Me:*Now irritated and grateful for my mask* The higher ups made the rule

Karen: I just don’t understand why.

Coworker: It’s become part of our new protocols.

*Cue back and forth Karen going ‘why’ at my brick wall of a coworker as I grow murderous.*

Me: Because the signs says so! *points at the sign right next to her*

Karen: Oh okay *finishes transaction and goes on her way*

Me: Because the fucking sign says so Karen! Just do what your told and fuck off! fuck!

Coworker: I thought you were going to jump the counter, your voice was getting a little high there.

Me: I’m going to murder someone, maybe that basic white bitch with the Pinterest knitted mask. We’re not payed enough to be thrown face first into natural selection like this.

Last Christmas I was shopping and I called my aunt to see if she preferred dark or milk chocolate. I can’t remember how exactly the conversation went but she ended up telling me how she was going to help someone less fortunate that year for Christmas. I of course had already started to plan on how to help her with that when she told me it was the kid my bible thumper aunt had adopted and kinda just left to fend for himself after he grew up gay. Now I knew this kid had it rough, he had medical issues, physical and mental, and the only job he could really keep was cleaning my good aunt’s house every once in a while. Other than that he lived off whatever the government gave him, which I knew was not a lot.

My aunt told me he needed shoes and a coat. I tried to get her to tell me what else he needed but she couldn’t tell me cause she didn’t know. I thought to myself “Well screw this, I’m taking him shopping.”

On one of my days off, the three of us got together, went to BJs and wallmart to go shopping. First of all, I nearly started stimming in stress when I saw what condition his boots were in, it only served to put me in a particular no nonsense giving mood. We got to the store, and I laid out the ground rules, “You need a thing into the basket, you want a thing, into the basket”. A few minutes in and I was throwing things into the basket. He quickly learned I was going to buy him the things he needed and wanted whether he wanted me to or not and eventually gave in. At one point he did try to only get one bed/sheet set thing, but after I stared him down he said, “I’m not just getting one am I?” “No, you think candles can distract me forever? Get another set.”

I got him a jacket, boots, sweaters, undershirts, socks, a couple bed sets (he was sleeping on a bare mattress I swear I nearly threw something when I found out), soap, deodorant, guy shampoo/conditioner, and a new wax melter thing with wax because nice smelly smells can make you feel better. I probably got him other things, while there that I’m forgetting. Then for Christmas i got him a fuzzy blanket, a microwavable stuffed cat that smells like lavender, a wireless speaker for music, and a gift card for coffee.

I tried to cover all the bases for not just his physical needs, but also his mental health. We’re not the same, but I can understand anxiety and how the world is just too much to handle so I tried to make sure he had things to help comfort him when he can’t be around people. My aunt told me how grateful and happy he was with everything I did for him. I’m glad I could help him and I’ll probably do it again if I can meet up with him this year.

Do Good Recklessly

I was in line at Aldi and this girl with two toddlers in front of me had her card declined and she looked so fucking sad and said “let me call my husband real quick” and it was only 18 dollars, so I just paid for it, and she was very sweet and then as she walked off, the lady behind me said `”You know that was probably a scam, right?” and like, even if it was, like what a sad fucking scam, right? 18 dollars at the Aldi. If you’re “scamming” me for some Tyson chicken and apple juice and cauliflower, then just take my fucking money. 

“A scam” people are fucking wild.  

Mom: So my first date is in {town ten minutes away} at a Denny’s.

Me: Ma Denny’s isn’t a place you just go to for a date, it’s a place you end up at three in the morning either questioning your life choices, hungover, or having no idea how you ended up there.

My brother: Well she’s not wrong

Amazing Things Happen - by Alexander Amelines. I just found this gem and I felt the need to spread it around.

More Stories from Work

Me: *counts out money* and is there anything else I can do for you?

Creepy Guest: The way you count money is sexy.

Me: *does’t even flinch or break from my costumer service mode* Thank you! Now if there is nothing I can do for you, you have a lovely day!

Creepy Guest: *gets sheepish and flees in embarrassment*

Me: *watches and waits until the guest is out of hearing distance before I start cackling*

Ben: *pokes his head up from behind the half wall that hides his desk* You know it’s not normal to take that kind of harassment and then cackle like a super villain?

Me: But it was funny to see him get so thrown and embarrassed, before fleeing. It serves him right for being a creeper.

~

Me: Ben! yesterday Coworker S scared the shit out of me and I made a sound I never had before!

Coworker S: *starts laughing*

Bed: *to Cowoker S* I love how she says that with such cheerful voice.

Me: But it was funny, i never knew I could make such a sound.

~

Manager D: *not paying any attention to where he’s going and is about to collide with me*

Me: Meyah!

Manager D: *stops* What was that?

Me: My early collision warning system