I Want To Be Lost

I want to be lost

In my ocean of thoughts

Linger in the depth

Of my rambling chaos

//

Perhaps to be lost is better

Than have me stand

Infront of you

But never seen

For you seek

The comfort

Of winding lies

Not the beautiful fiasco

Of black stormy hair

Freckled facial skin

A pair of clear brown eyes

Dancing about your face

Once in a while they stop

To stare

A little deeper

Like they're trying to probe

Into your soul

Completely shrouded

In an exquisite smile

A perfect masquerade

//

I try to know you

Like a sacred creed

But you hide beneath

Layers of cemented lies

You refuse to speak

To my exposed soul

Cast away the truth

Back to the grave

Where it spent

Eons of incarceration

//

Why wouldn't you look at me

As I bare it all

I stand in stark nudity

Before you

But you turn away

//

Are you afraid

To discover what's engraved

In my bones

For so long

Your name

Tattooed in me

In my soul

A beautiful calligraphy

Of pain

An anguished scream

Swallowed by the wind

A tale

Of love and lost

Spilled carelessly

In ancient Baybayin

-Tattooed in me,

Katie, 20:00

(Baybayin is an ancient pre-colonial Philippine writing system.The term Baybay literally means "to spell" in Tagalog.)

Ours is not a romance. It is a tragedy. History made it so. Not to tell a lesson. But to make people feel...feel something. Love is not always good for the heart. It is not always butterflies in the stomach, or a bouquet of freshly picked roses. It is a game that we have to play sometimes. Even though the rules are not always fair and you have to die a death you don't deserve to give life to the other. You can't complain. Nor file an appeal. That's not how it works. For the jury, it doesn't always give its verdict in favor of the hopeless romantic. The judge passes your sentence with the pound of his gavel. And the next thing you know, you're being thrown in a faraway dungeon. No, it is not a romance at all. History has its own messy twists, don't you think? And love...it is not always blissful. So if you have to drink from that cup, make sure you are capable of enduring unspeakable things. For that's the essense of everything love has ever put forth for the sake of its own godly name.

-Love isn't always good for the hopeless romantic,

Katie, 20:00

When hurt

I may break

Like a figurine

May scream

Like a banshee

In gritted teeth

Curse fiercely

Like there's no tomorrow

When it's too much

And I am shaking

All my resolves

Crumble within

I may shed

Niagara of tears

May plead the gods

To send me

A little thunder

To match

The pouring rain

It's given

For my heart,

It is fragile

May shatter a bit

Like a glass

Scattered

On the floor

But what it won't do

Is knock

On your door

Beg for affection

Yes, when hurt

I may roll

But you will never

See me crawl

While I force

Together pieces

That don't fit

If I am not wanted

I will leave

It's that simple

-Simple

(Soon enough, I will learn to love the sound of my footsteps as I walk away from everything that hurts...)

Katie, 19:00

Where do midnight tears go?

After they cleanse the heart

Where do they run to?

Do they flow with the river

Or against the current

Of a raging sea

Fight their own sorrow

Bury themselves in the burrow

Clawed in the ocean floor

Where do they run to?

After taking all the bitterness

Where do they hide

Do they run to reveal

What lips screamed

In the depth of despair

A moment of helplessness

Lungs gasping for air

After they fall

Where do they go?

Somewhere dark

A forest of snow

Where do they rest

After calming hysteria

Do they linger beneath the pillows

And wait for tomorrow

As I wait for you

After your footsteps are gone

Their echo disappeared

Into the long corridor of time

I sit by my bed

Watching the candlestick

Consume itself with its fire

The chilled wind of dawn

Comes to greet me

I shiver against its gust

And remember your touch

And how warm it has felt

Against my skin

Too warm that it hid

The truth that you are leaving

So I wept like a child

Gone insane for a while

For a little while

Then my own tears

Flodded my world

Drowned me

But in the end, taught me

How to swim to the surface

And now my eyes are dry

Where do the tears go?

After cleansing me

For another sullen midnight

Where do they hide?

Do they roll on my pillow

Linger longer than I do?

Or are they somewhere tracing

The steps back to you?

-Tracing the steps back to you,

Katie, 13:00

When you gaze,the skin that covers me detaches itself like a silk falling off, revealing my throbbing fury, my secret longings, my sins...

(Falling)

Katie, 01:15

If all the words constantly storming in my head could be imprinted on my skin, then I would be a walking proof of how often does your name cross even the farthest reaches of my brain. All thoughts I run when I am alone. My unsupressed yearnings. The gleam in your eyes. Your face popping irrevocably in my memory even when I don't summon it. All the love bursting from my chest, an ocean of tenderness that could drown you if I have the courage to spill it.

The good morning wishes. A proof that even in a hazy state of waking, I remember you. And I take every bit of you, inhale you like the scent of Sampaguita mixing with the morning breeze. The long talks during coffee break. The crazy jests that open a secret pathway to my heart. All these sweet nothings. I would gladly wear them as a badge. A moving poetry of untold emotions swirling me about.

I wish there's a way for all of these to be imprinted on my skin. So I can wear you. Even if it means undergoing the pain of being inked. I would willingly bare my skin for the prick of the needle, endure the feeling of being wounded in the name of art. So I can have you. In this sense, even if you choose to walk away one day, a part of you will remain. A part that I will carry for the rest of my days. A reminder that once, in my youth, I fell in love with someone like you. And in retrospect, nothing could have made life sweeter.

-Wear you like a badge,

Katie, 11:00