Actually Schizophrenic - Tumblr Posts

why are you still trying to get better

Because I simply cannot let go of such a perfect dream

does anyone have any advice for calming down during an episode (hallucinations/delusion/phsycosis)

I'm having a really hard time

things people have done to help me during a psychosis episode

i was on the buss and i hallucinated bugs crawling all over my hands, so my friend pulled my hoodie sleeves over them with permission and held my hands through the sleeves to "keep them off". they used the logic you would in a real bug situation.

i went nonverbal in a bad one in class, so my friend wrote me a note to give to the nurse since the teacher wouldn't let her go with me.

i often am very paranoid about the delusion that meat is actually rotten, so my dad will sometimes eat a bit of it before me

instead of telling me my delusions arent real, they help me through it using logic like it was real. they dont tell me that nothings going to hurt me in my sleep, they stay with me to keep me safe. then when it passes i can realize its not real

edit: feb 18 2024

ty so much to everyone resharing this, i would also like to encourage everyone who sees this in the next week to just queue it as many Tumblr users are trying to only post information about Gaza for a while. also if you can, pls protest and boycot what you can.

In delusions we trust

In delusions we trust

In delusions we trust

don't mind this too much, just ranting about my psychosis

I have hit myself on the head so hard that I've give myself a headache

I have been getting more and more distressed at the other person looking into my head and nit picking my every thought

I hate the invisible person touch and kissing me, it's been making me disgusted and I cannot ignore it and I don't know how to cope

Stims that bother others, what is acceptable and what is not?

Lately I have experienced that when I rock back and forth or flap my hands or can't control my volume or talk about my special interests a lot people around me get quite annoyed. I do not want to hurt anyone and I value community a lot but I am unsure of whether it's ableist or not. Can rocking back and forth be a harmful stim if it annoys or stresses out the people around you? If so does anyone have an idea of how to redirect it? Does anyone have any idea of how control the volume of your voice when people around you are tired and want quiet? And I don't know how I can stop talking about my special interest.

I don't know if what I am experiencing is ableism or not, I just don't want to annoy or hurt anyone, but no matter how hard I try I still do, it's like I have to keep myself under a microscope all of the time and it's making me psychotic (I have schizophrenia and autism) it's like no matter what I do it's not right, I seem to annoy people just by existing.

Yeah there's no hot take in this post merely a question I want answered by other autistic and/or schizophrenic people. What do yall think?

Schizophrenia: too many connections

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist or a professional, I am simply describing my experience and how I view my schizophrenia

Tw: description of the process of psychosis

I am open to discussing this and if I say anything wrong you are welcome to correct me, remember to be kind.

I have noticed that it seems as though to me schizophrenia is that there are too many connections, and I have noticed that through looking closely at the "prodromal stage" to my psychosis, because my psychosis doesn't just usually come out of nowhere, there is a buildup and it goes like this:

Trigger: this is where a trigger to a psychotic thought comes in, it may be that someone says something along the lines of: "what if psychotic people see the actual reality" or "I am in your walls" (be so kind as to not say that to a psychotic person). To me it is that I think that people are hinting at the fact that they hate me, usually through critique of something that is an inner part of my core.

Anxiety: this is starting to worry about something that is tangential to what your psychosis usually revolves around. For me it is social anxiety, where I start worrying that I do everything wrong or miss the social cues or I say something wrong or offend someone or do something embarrassing etc. This is where you start connecting things.

Confusion: this is where the psychosis starts to kick in, this is the worsening of cognitive symptoms. You start forgetting things and you get distracted and it starts getting harder to talk and make sense in general. You start getting a whole bunch of epiphanies and aha moments, where things feel like they suddenly make sense and you might start getting quite philosophical and get good ideas and become creative. But I think the confusion is due to the fact that your reality starts swaying from the common reality and you keep thinking about this one thing that your psychosis revolves around and you're really distracted by it, the common reality is suddenly unimportant.

Paranoia: suddenly everything makes sense, you've figured it out, and you are quite sure that the connection you've made is the right one and you're going with it.

The thing is though that that connection isn't even there. I think that schizophrenic people make too many connections and have a hard time prioritising which connection makes the most sense. There is too much information but also a lack of ability to prioritise what makes sense.

Do you relate? Does this make sense? Please add your input.

A world not made for me: on masking

It is perfectly understandable that neurodivergent people mask, however they can, however much they can. It is greatly encouraged by most neurotypicals and one would think that medical professionals would be exempt from it, that they would understand and read the latest research, but no they also encourage masking. And it is horrible honestly, because masking is bad for the neurodivergent persons health, autistic masking can lead to stress, loss of self and even depression and anxiety, yet even medical professionals encourage it. I think that the need to mask stems from ableism, if we lived in a world where neurodivergent communication and expression was accepted or even cherished we wouldn't need ro harm ourselves to mask. Society would rather have people be "normal" rather than happy and thriving.

I am hyperverbal and good at abstract concepts and I don't have an intellectual disability and can articulate myself quite well but only verbally, I also am sensory seeking, I need vestibular and auditory stimulation which makes me flap my hands, rock back and forth and make noises and sing a lot and I have a quite strong need for it, and I can't mask it. I am although lucky that I can advocate for myself, but that means I have to argue against a team of 8 professionals just so I am allowed to be myself and literally not hurt myself. And I can imagine how hard it must be for nonverbal autistic people or intellectually disabled autistic people. Why must I study rhetoric and argumentation to just be allowed to express myself in the way that comes naturally to me? I find it very unfair.

And the worst part may be, that no matter how hard I argue or disagree with this approach I am not immune to the influence, the society I live in, has on me. Constantly being told that the way one exists is wrong has its toll. Because one really internalises this message. For me it led to the theme of my delusion and paranoia.

Tw: description of delusion and paranoia starts

___________________________________________

For me I experience that I am a glitch in the universe, that I, quite mechanically and physically, should not have existed. This is not said in a metaphorical way, and that the universe is trying to get rid of me however possible, including what my paranoia revolves around, which Is that people are trying to manipulate me into suicide by isolating me and driving me crazy.

___________________________________________

End tw

And this is how my autism and schizophrenia are connected.

I hope one day we'll live in a non ableist world, but meanwhile I will fight for my right to be myself, because I think it's worth it. Neurodivergent expression is beautiful and worth it.

why are non psychotics so obsessed with "schizocore" and then always use it to be racist or triggering shit is so exhausting

man i hate the internet people be normal for once

those fucking "delulu" mfs too SHUT UUUUUP

LET'S GET HARMFUL STIGMATIZING POSTS DOWN !!

tags in mind are stuff like schizocore, schizoposting delulu is the solulu and the fog is coming. shit like that and just anything that is harmful to psychotics & schizospec

the post this is referring to: https://www.tumblr.com/johnnyiscaged/746385499137179648/why-are-non-psychotics-so-obsessed-with

actually hate delusions so much?!?

⚠️ tw: spiders (+eggs) and teeth!! ⚠️

like i was just... sitting there.. and then my brain goes oh shit theres spiders in your gums theyve laid eggs in your gums get them out. and so im sitting there trying to pull my teeth out and it hurts so badly now but i was genuinely convinced that there were spiders there and it was so bad.

like actually wtf can my brain just.. not for a second??

this! pls stop comparing my very real disorder to people being stupid on the internet.

calling endos and DID fakers delusional or schizophrenic is ableist btw and if you do this and refuse to change you're ableist!!

(this post is not defending endos it's defending psychotic and schizospec people)