Kaer Morons - Tumblr Posts

I imagine, how Jaskier trying to show what Christmas is to the Kaer Morons, they say that they understand everything.

But the end result is something in the style of The Nightmare Before Christmas

This concludes that Jaskier and Roach are the real criminals of the family. And they are partners in those crimes

Also I love that Coën got 0%. Yes he's an angel.

The more Petty the crime the better.

Geralt: Would you dip your balls in ghost pepper sauce for 100,000 crowns?

Lambert: YES.

Lambert: Wait no.

Lambert: Maybe.

Geralt: why did you say yes so quickly

Eskel: do you like sandwiches or do you think they're meticulous and evil

Geralt: ???????? Meticulous and evil???????

Eskel: yeah. That's what I said.

Geralt: ????????????

Training Eskel and Geralt was a fun time for all of the instructors at Kaer Morhen!

I was scrolling through Pinterest for some poses and came across some funny images that reminded me of the wolves!

Do y'all think the witchers would have huskies? I wanna say they'd be more likely to have Malamutes or even Norwegian Elkhounds or a mixture of all three. But I cannot get the image of Lambert riling up the huskies into a howling frenzy. Little shit 16 year old Lambert directly after Kaer Morhen falls and Vesemir is like "yeah sure let's get dogs to make sure the boys don't become emotionally detached from themselves too much", carousing the little pack of 2 huskies and a malamute into screaming their heads off in the middle of the woods. Geralt is laying with his head in Eskel's lap glaring at Lambert because 1) yes it's funny but 2) he's trying to sleep for once dammit. Eskel is thinking "man we should get Great Pyrenees like my family used to have" (he does for the safety of the goats and chickens they eventually get). Vesemir is regretting all of his choices as his headache gets worse. But if it makes Lambert happy the three of them are willing to suffer.

Eskel: do I look like Shrek?

Lambert:

Eskel: don't answer that

Lambert: quick save

Eskel: eat a dick.

Lambert: IM TRYING

Whenever vegetables went bad at Kaer Morhen the pups would end up pelting each other with rotted potatoes and other various food items. Of course they got yelled at. Of course they were punished. But they did it without fail every time the chance arose

Prompt 36

THE WIFI WENT OUT LAST NIGHT AND I COULDN'T POST MY PROMPT! AAAAA No fear... You will feast today with TWO prompts! The Wolves are the most notorious and feared gunman gang to ever cross the wild west. They've known to frequent a certain bar recently, purely for the man the bar hires to perform there near-nightly. The entire gang loves him and his music, but all of them know damn well that Geralt likes the man a little extra. The singer's music seems to soothe him more than it soothes his brothers. His dumb jokes make Geralt snort or dryly chuckle more than the others. The best part about this performer (aside from giving them all something to tease Geralt about) is that he either has no idea who they all are, or he doesn't care. He winks over at them, he'll raise a glass to cheers them, one night he even danced directly on their table, evidently loving the gang's uproarious cheering as he did so. One night, Lambert comes to them from wherever he rides off to every few weeks and comes back with wagonloads of information, and tells them that he's just learned that The Cats were coming here to fulfil a contract to kill the singer, and given how long it took him to get back, they could be trying to do it as they speak. So the gang ride into town, find the singer, grab him, and ride him back to their camp to protect him from the rival gang that wants to kill him. They just forget to tell him the "we're protecting you" part. Jaskier is really enjoying this gig he's had at this shitty bar for the past few months. This group of burly grumpy men seem to hate everyone and everything but him. It's quite an ego boost, really. Especially the handsome one with white hair. He's sure they liked him. I mean, there were a few times they tipped him enough money for him to rent a room for another month! That's why he's so confused when one night they snatch him right before he goes on to perform and they ride him away from civilization. Oh fuck- Is this how he dies?!

Prompt 47

Geralt doesn't like how cold his bard gets in the winter. Geralt decides to warm him up. But he can't cuddle him and keep him warm when they part, the years he heads to Oxenfurt to teach. So Geralt scours the library for a book explaining and sits down one day to try and learn how to knit.

when the fic writer makes the human villain (who hurt the witcher's love interest) get killed with the silver sword because they're a "monster"

Prompt 52

Jaskier is running away from his abusive home, cutting them all off without a word, and disappearing into the night to move to somewhere with a better future for himself. Only issue? He has no car, or money. So he sucks it up and tries hitchhiking, regardless of all the horror stories everyone tells you about. He was expecting some awkward drive with some old random trucker or something, like what always happens in the movies. What he wasn't expecting was for three brothers on a yearly family bonding road trip to agree to take him with them across multiple states (or uk equivalent) What he REALLY wasn't expecting was to fall in love with one of the men, who has long white hair, piercing golden eyes, an awkward-shaped smile, a ridiculously named pet horse, and a stupid sense of humor.

Prompt 63

After The Mountain™, Jaskier is desperate to prove himself a Worthy Travel Companion™ to Geralt, so he decides to take up alchemy. Perhaps if he gets very good at brewing Geralt's potions, Geralt will find him worthy of keeping around. When Geralt takes Jaskier to Kaer Morhen, he can't help but notice that Jaskier is suddenly spending every possible second with Lambert. LAMBERT. I mean, he loves his brother, don't get him wrong! But Lambert? Geralt's words were cruel, and he was still working out the full apology he wanted to give Jaskier (He deserved better than just an "I'm sorry") but he's worried that he's already lost his chance, as Jaskier is seemingly finding himself a new witcher.

Prompt 71

The other witchers at Kaer Morhen have always grown tired of Geralt's random moodswings and bouts of gloom and grumpiness during the winter. He'd be happy and carefree, safe in his home, and then some dark thought would crest in his mind, and for a few days straight, he'd be in a horrible mood. When one year he brings his bard with him, they realize the moodswings have disappeared completely. That is, until Jaskier starts trying to "bond" with them all and spends less time with Geralt. Then all of a sudden the snarls and snaps from Geralt are back. One day, Lambert gets tired of Geralt's sass, and shoves Jaskier at him, and they're all amazed when Geralt loses his bad mood and instead chooses to carry his bard off to cuddle in front of the fireplace. Nuzzling him and purring the whole time. Thus commences a new rule of Kaer Morhen. If you spot Geralt being pissy, you chuck the bard at him. Jaskier has been taken away from a meal, a game of gwent, his chores, his bed while asleep, and one especially embarrassing time he was taken from a bath. Jaskier is quite alright with the new rule, as it always ends in deligthtful Geralt cuddles, but sometimes he wishes Geralt would just find Jaskier instead of moping when he misses him.

Prompt 106

Geralt has a hobby he only allows himself to partake in during the winter, alone in his room. Everyone knows Geralt sketches and scribbles monsters, beasts, and relics alike in his journal, but his secret is he also sketches down Jaskier. Jaskier's best poses, and outfits, and the best scenery he stood in front of. When winter comes, Geralt goes through and picks the very best one to turn into a full-fledged painting, of which he'll hang in his room with the others from all the years before. When he's lonely and sad, he simply turns to the evidence that the world is worth it all. Happy, sunny, sweet Jaskier. Stupid, reckless, loud, noisy, annoying, slutty Jaskier. He wouldn't have him any other way. He always paints him smiling, surrounded by flowers and lush foliage. Scenic views and beautiful lighting, all the better to compliment the bard's beauties. All is well until Lambert comes in one day and laughs. "Whoa. When you said you doodled, I didn't know it was to make a shrine for your bard!" "Lambert, he's not my bard." "You have like a dozen paintings of him smiling at you with half-lidded eyes! Is this how you get off at night?" "LAMBERT" "Sorry, you're right, don't tell me, I don't wanna know. Even though I can guess pretty easily-" "Just fuck off!" "Fine! Jeez.. So twitchy." This small event means nothing to Geralt. It's meaningless. Or at least it was. Until he and Jaskier bump into Lambert in the summer, and Lambert playfully elbows Jaskier in the side, and says to "Ask loverboy about his art collection!" Jaskier cocks an eyebrow and turns to Geralt with confusion, and if Geralt wasn't currently thinking about how to put his brother's head on a pike, he might've been tempted to draw the bard's lovely expression.

My favorite headcanon / trope in fics will FOREVER be every single witcher being like "And this is our Jaskier, You can look but we don't trust you to touch him yet, he's our special Jaskier, we only have one of him, and we LIKE him, so be NICE and don't even THINK of harming him or we will all EAT YOU"

Prompt 71

The other witchers at Kaer Morhen have always grown tired of Geralt's random moodswings and bouts of gloom and grumpiness during the winter. He'd be happy and carefree, safe in his home, and then some dark thought would crest in his mind, and for a few days straight, he'd be in a horrible mood. When one year he brings his bard with him, they realize the moodswings have disappeared completely. That is, until Jaskier starts trying to "bond" with them all and spends less time with Geralt. Then all of a sudden the snarls and snaps from Geralt are back. One day, Lambert gets tired of Geralt's sass, and shoves Jaskier at him, and they're all amazed when Geralt loses his bad mood and instead chooses to carry his bard off to cuddle in front of the fireplace. Nuzzling him and purring the whole time. Thus commences a new rule of Kaer Morhen. If you spot Geralt being pissy, you chuck the bard at him. Jaskier has been taken away from a meal, a game of gwent, his chores, his bed while asleep, and one especially embarrassing time he was taken from a bath. Jaskier is quite alright with the new rule, as it always ends in deligthtful Geralt cuddles, but sometimes he wishes Geralt would just find Jaskier instead of moping when he misses him.

Geralt was nervous to bring Jaskier to his home. He was sure the bard would get along with Eskel—their shared love of poetry and talking about emotions should smooth the way. Lambert would just be thrilled to have a new way to tease Geralt, and Jaskier being a bit of an asshole himself would help them bond.

But what of Vesemir? His mentor was not one to tolerate fools. What if he didn’t see past Jaskier’s foppish ways to his golden soul? What if he wasn’t understanding about the bard’s human limits? What if he scared Jaskier away for good?

All of these thoughts passed through Geralt’s mind outside the gates of Kaer Morhen. The gates opened for them, Geralt’s mentor was waiting for them on the other side, and as he came into view—

“PAPAMIR?!?”

Geralt winced at Jaskier’s loud shriek from beside him, and then the horror dawned because what did Jaskier just call Vesemir?!?

However, Vesemir didn’t look angry. He looked just as flabbergasted. “Julian?”

It turns out that Vesemir had once fallen for a widower Count, and he continued visiting the family even after the Count died 100 years ago. That Count was Jaskier’s great grandfather.

Geralt watched, dazed, as Vesemir doted on Jaskier while gently scolding him for not visiting his mother more often.

This is so funny, I love this WPGHWAPGHPAWGHPAW