My Therapist Insists That Throughout The Dark Months I Must Go Outside For At Leat 10 Mins A Day. On

My therapist insists that throughout the dark months I must go outside for at leat 10 mins a day. On top of everything else wrong with my noggin, SAD is a pretty real thing for me.

I am on the verge of throwing a temper tantrum about it, but I'm going to do it.

When does the bubble baths and chocolate mousse portion of self care begin?

Me, in November: What do you want for xmas this year?

Him: You don't make enough money to get me anything I'd want this year. Don't get me anything, seriously. Just do me a favour and save money.

Him, on December 24th: ... I don't see any presents with my name on them... Typical.

Me: ... But you said...

Him: You're so selfish. I really can't believe you. You don't deserve any of the things I got you. You're literally the worst.

Humiliation in parts:  Part Four

So in my early thirties I came out as Pan - this does best describe my attractions.  However owing to several things I can say with certainty that I will never be with a cishet man ever again.

This has posed a bit of a dilemma for me as I have very very limited experience with women or (lets speak plainly here under the cut - tw named body parts and vague reference to sex act.  Not tagging)

  with vulvas.  Most of us want to be ‘good’ and to please our partners;  I’m extremely concerned with my lack of experience, because I would be devastated if I left my person unsatisfied.

I’ve had this discussion with people and I kind of feel fluffed off - “Just do what you like!” they say.

Ha ha ha.  About that.

I was with him since I was 18.  I had a significant amount of experience prior to that - but it was never focused on me, and lots of it was straight up horrible/traumatic.  The rest was, well... not exactly satisfying. 

What I’m trying to say is, because he did it so infrequently and I had very little quality experience prior to him (and with him), I don’t actually know what I like.  Which is humiliating on its own as an Adult(TM).

Another layer to that humiliation is wondering IF I like it.

I hated it with him:  Try lying on your back with your legs open for someone who isn’t really “into this” and stressing about if you’d shaved sufficiently, when the last time you checked for razor bumps and moisturized, what he’s going to say about how you smell, not to mention worrying that you’ve forgotten something on the grocery list and he might flip shit again and choke you out when he realizes you’ll have to go back to the store.  Don’t actually try it; just note it’s not exactly recipe for enjoyment.

I don’t know if I like oral.  Because of that I don’t know how to give oral. I also don’t know if I’m going to be able to try either without having embarrassing and debilitating flashbacks or panic attacks. 

He is just the gift that keeps on giving.

I bet she was asking for it.

I mean, you can totally tell it's what she actually wanted. Her mouth was saying no, but the bruises on her skin where he grabbed her and held her against her will were saying yes.

Seriously @staff - why do i have to keep doing this?

I am a survivor of domestic violence. I am a survivor of sexual violence. I have said " let go of me" and been ignored. Stop showing me abuse and calling it sexy.

To be fair, she opened the door for this conversation...

I'm currently calling out that woman I was doing a thing with in May for hurting me.

Who the fuck am I and what have I done with me?!

Two years ago I was pregnant. I screamed at my dash and punched my steering wheel and melted down hard after taking the second one. I was stoic and unfeeling most of the time, but this... This was too much.

I don't know why I can't bring myself to throw these things out.