Bianca Sparacino: Instagram @ Rainbowsalt

Bianca Sparacino: Instagram @ rainbowsalt

If you usually see the bad side of things and don't look for the good, you need to make an effort to change your thinking. If you don't, you'll end up making your life harder, both in your mind and in the real world.

33 -

I don’t regret it. I took them and I did have a fun little buzzy afternoon. I took them because I had to make a decision otherwise it would have weighed heavily on my mind. But I knew that this was how it was going to play out, even before getting them. Like I said, I made plans instead of taking precautions.

I’m so indecisive because I think very deeply about outcomes, that often I make a big decision impulsively and just live with the consequences. In a way, I’m afraid to commit.

The difference from the past, is that I was aware and consciously made this choice.

To be honest - I wanted more in the moment. It wasn’t enough. I wanted to go higher, summit the peak. To dance on the line between life and not life. The exhilaration of standing at the precipice. But that’s the thing right? It’s never enough. It will never be enough.

I woke up the next morning & had no desire to do that again.

I’m still sober from alcohol and other drugs. I don’t count it as a relapse. Some might say otherwise, but this is MY recovery. Real, raw and authentic. No hiding here. I own my decision. I am still committed to the bigger picture.

I’m not sure it was worth it. I guess I knew deep down it wouldn’t be, but I still had to do it to prove it. I couldn’t let it go (it would be a waste!). Unfortunately, I am the learn-by-experience type. And sometimes, a few experiences before it really sinks in (lol).

And so we continue on, same as before.

I have more to live for these days. I enjoy my life and I feel excited at what’s to come. I love the people I have, fiercely and selflessly. I have faith in something greater than me. Most importantly, I have faith in myself. I know I have changed. I know I will continue to change. I have humility and an open mind. Those parts of me that were a collection of tiny fragments…well, they aren’t so broken anymore.

Drugs and alcohol will not bring me the validation I seek. They will not give me purpose or increase my value. I know that. I am not that version of myself any longer.

Each day, a little better and brighter.

E. Russell

31 -

Something I’ve been thinking about lately: we really aren’t in control of anything. Life is going to happen, people are going to people. I think having a false sense of control, a false sense of ego - this is our ultimate hubris.

Why do we care so much about the opinions of others? They never have the full story.

I recognize I speak from a place of privilege and not everyone has the same opportunities or freedom to choose.

If you think about it, we are all so wrapped up in our own heads. No one, NO ONE, is thinking about me as much or in the same way I think about myself. It’s a double-edged sword: we don’t really matter to anyone else as much as we matter to ourselves. It’s a lonely thought. At the same time, it’s so freeing. Those humiliating moments, those mistakes & regret we hang onto and let color everything we think about ourselves moving forward - people aren’t thinking about them the way we do. In fact, I’d venture to say that most of the time, they may not even remember.

Example: I went to a meeting with my good friend while I was visiting my mom. He’s in recovery and he brought up this time that he was being irresponsible & drove over my foot with his car and I was so angry at him. I can’t even recall that happening. Same thing - I brought up this time that he was telling me how broken he felt and I condescendingly told him “well if you know there’s a problem, then go fix it - maybe you just don’t care enough to”. Lol not my most empathetic moment. He barely remembers that conversation.

Everyone is living their own reality. I’m coming to realize truth and fact are not the same - truth is actually incredibly subjective. It’s dependent on the individual and their perception/their beliefs can skew it. It’s like when two people look at the same picture and feel something different. Or when two people are asked to recreate a work of art and their creations are different from each other, in addition to being different from the original. Similar, but not exactly the same.

Wealth, status, power - these are all social constructs. These are ideas. Who came up with them? Certainly not a higher being, but another human before our time. I won’t delve into this too much, but none of it really matters in the long run. That fancy car, being a CEO, being with someone “out of your league” - it won’t give you the validation you seek. It won’t add or take away from who you are, what your intrinsic values are.

So what to do with all of this? Still trying to figure it out but I think it boils down to - do whatever the fuck you want. No one cares, no one’s looking at you (if they are, they’re looking at themselves in you - projecting). This is life, we all get one shot, so don’t be afraid. Acknowledge your past but don’t let it consume you. Every day is a new day, a new opportunity, to: do what you love, say what you feel, start again, change the future.

I’m sitting on a plane to go back home & I’ve had a bit of caffeine lol.