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This is for all the unsung fic writers; the ones who don’t make the must-read lists, the ones who don’t get recced, the ones who don’t get hundreds of kudos, the rarepair writers out on the peripheries of fandom, the ones who toil away quietly for the handful of people who read and love them. You matter - you’re a writer too, and don’t you ever forget it. :)

❀ Pansy n°7 = I'm "over"-everything.

To begin, yes, it is tiring. It’s impossibly tiring to be this prone to overwhelming. 

It never was a secret that I am an overthinker. Like my brain literally never f*cking stops, always fuming and reeling. It caused me too many insomnias - the images, sounds, memories and information in my head running and distorting without break. It’s insufferable.

Yet, that's not all. Sadly it is also difficult to survive overthinking on a daily basis. Especially in a social environment. My brain is just… dying. The world feels and seems constantly against me. I always think that everyone around me is watching and judging my every move. Looking out for the small moments when I’ll mess up and be cringe.

So it’s difficult to allow myself to act as I want because I feel like I will be judged and hated either way, never belonging to the unity. Like I am bound to stand out, to be left out by the social group. To try and avoid that, my brain analyzes everything and everyone but often is irrational. Because I over analyze how people see me, what they might think or feel; but in the end I am just projecting my fears onto them way too much. Yet, I end up stuck, struggling to fit in, alone up in my head thinking I’m not interesting, weird, not worth anyone’s time and hated by everyone.

Nice right ? :) 

My mind just tricks me to believe that I am the worst and cringiest person in the world. I have been told before that I question myself too much. In fact, I prefer to - and cannot help but - analyze every situation in which I could be the source of a problem before blaming the other party. I also try to find many excuses for others. Maybe I am too gullible and try too much to see the good in people, or that I’ve been used to caring for others before myself. The problem with this is that unconsciously I expect the same train of thought from others when most times it is not the case. Sadly, it ended up hurting me as it is easy for people to take advantage of my overthinking.

→ Toxic people (narcissistic perverts…) like to make you feel guilty - often through gaslighting - and overthinkers are the pros for that… :/

However, my cousin has been teaching me to find the positive side of those habits that I don’t like. And I came to the conclusion that this habit made me more observant and that when my worries are communicated it makes for good and deep conversations. Apparently it also makes people question themselves more - or so I’ve been told :/.

Therefore I try to be more kind to myself and calm my overthinking by communicating. It’s not easy everyday… But it is so important. As important as speaking about your feelings.

I’m still learning how good it is for oversensitive people like me. I’ve always struggled to speak up about my emotions because I always thought they didn’t have value or importance or even that I was being overdramatic, faking it. it was like I never had a good enough reason to express myself and make people lose time on me, like I’m not worth it.

So I always second guess myself and think about the true worth of communicating what’s bothering me. Because if it’s little and I’m just blowing it or that in the end it turns out I was tricking myself and faking it unconsciously, I’ll just feel ultra guilty of wasting someone’s time and energy. Especially as I strive to make people around me feel good, safe, heard and comfortable (with me). And I know I tend to blow things out of proportion. Like I feel horrible when someone makes a tiny and precise criticism about my work even though I did all the rest well. Because it’s like I disappoint them by not doing good enough. 

The problem with me is that “good enough” has to be as close to “perfect” as possible. Simply because if I put energy in it I should go 100% and nail it. If it’s not the case then why waste time and embarrass myself ? Though I’ve been trying to understand - more to assimilate - that everyone’s 100% is different and even that every day’s 100% is different. And that’s completely okay and normal.

I’ve just been taught at school that you have to keep a high constant of activity even though it’s obviously not possible. 

Disappointing people is one of my greatest fears. I think that might be why I take things too personally all the time. So many times I tear up when someone makes a remark to a group I belong to, and even if I shouldn’t feel concerned I question myself and feel horrible. “I should’ve thought of it.”“I should’ve done it.”“I didn’t do good.” I hardly let myself fail as I haven’t failed much. So I pressure myself to keep my high average by being the most excellent. Yet I can hardly hold on anymore… It’s logical that I end up burned out. I overdid it and now I'm over it.

I am over with life.

At least that is what I think a lot but I’m working on it. I am trying to be done with being over-pessimistic. It’s not over for me, and if it’s not for you either, dear reader… Then,...

Let’s get over it together <3. 

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🔺Original work please do not steal or copy, Thanks.🔺

Please reblog this if fanfiction has been beneficial to your mental health.

as a girl who is literally just a girl i am always yearning. always longing always missing always wearing my heart on my sleeve. always feeling like my heart is on the verge of exploding. the sight of the sun makes me cry. anyway

x

Men with curly hair and big brown eyes. You agree, reblog

🌸🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃

May your January be filled with love and healing. 

🌸🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃🌸🍃

Girls That Never Die: Poems, Safia Elhillo

𝓑𝓪𝓫𝔂 𝓗𝓸𝓽𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓮

- by 𝘗𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘺

- - -

9 to 5 - 5 to 9

Repeat.

Work, eat, sleep

Repeat,

Work from 9 to 5

Stare at the ceiling from 5 to 9

Repeat.

Work more, push food down your throat and feel guilty as you sleep.

Well as you wait for your brain to finally shut down,

- would it fucking finally shut down ?

Fake it till you make it they say

So you make it as you fake it.

But is it really fake if it comes so naturally ?

Does it make your smile true if you do it without thinking ?

Are you happy ?

You surely don’t feel like it but people say you seem fine.

Are you though ?

You don’t know anymore.

What do you feel ?

What is happiness anyway ? Isn’t it feeling idly calm, not being bothered by anything…

You feel like that, unbothered, plain… Empty.

All the things plaguing your mind are just too much so it’s better to lock them away, they would ruin your happiness, this idleness.

You widely prefer feeling nothing than be overwhelmed.

Surely you aren’t overwhelmed if everything seem worthless.

If it’s worthless than it is not important and not worth any attention.

- like you

Change, you needed change.

That’s why you hair is different.

Longer, shorter, greener, blonder, bluer…

You needed to feel different,

To see another thing stand out in the mirror,

To see another person in the mirror.

Because you are sick of this plain face staring right back at you, trying to expose all of this ugly truth.

Change, you wanted change.

Because when things change, then time passes

and if time passes the past passes away

You want that.

Yes, you need that.

For the past to leave, for those events to be no more in your mind.

You forget.

But that look in the mirror — those bored eyes in the glass staring right back — they reveal your soul.

It reminds you.

Yes you remember where you are, who you are, what you feel.

The reflection in the mirror, is it your true self ?

Because you definitely don’t like what it shows.

How old even are you ?

You feel like your life has the rhythm of a broken record,

Your body the energy of a corpse,

Your mind the torment of a martyr,

But you just started living.

Why are you doing this ?

Why would you do that to yourself ?

Fucking breath, stop crying and smile a bit,

Come on it’s not that hard,

Stop fucking dwelling on things.

But that’s all you can think about at night when your ceiling seems to be your only friend.

When your bed has been calling your name from the moment you woke up but now seems to want you anywhere else.

When you find yourself once again in this position, an unrequited love for sleep.

You need him but it would not hear your calls.

So its arch nemesis takes its place .

Running.

Again and again.

Without stopping.

Fusing with thoughts, ideas, images, sounds, memories, emotions…

Everything distorted, keeping your attention and your eyes wide open.

Silence.

You need silence.

- will your brain fucking shut up !?

Stop.

It has to stop.

Your erratic breathing being a useless source of concentration.

Something.

You need something to make it stop.

*sigh*

You listen.

You concentrate on it.

A strangers’ voice, laugh, humming, singing, breathing, heart beating…

It’s as if the warmth missing beside you is filled by the noise coming in your ears.

Shushing the havoc in your mind.

A sweet and warm melody lulling you into a slumber.

But your eyes are forced open by the ringing of the alarm.

How could you ? Flee reality ?

Stop fucking hoping.

- You hate hoping

Why should you get up ?

You really don’t want to.

Why does the simple thought of stepping foot out of the cover makes your eyes water ?

People wouldn’t mind anyway.

You wouldn’t mind either way.

You are still tired, you should go back to sleep then, right ?

Nothing is holding you back.

Except for the impossibly high expectations you set for yourself, the idea that every lasting moment might be decisive for your future, that you might miss something, the idea that every eye is on you and people constantly eavesdrop on your life criticizing every single one of your movement and choice…

You have to get up then.

You force yourself to.

It feels like it often, like you have to force yourself to live.

So you are tired.

You are tired as you get dressed,

You are tired as you brush your teeth,

You are tired as you wash your face

- that fucking ugly face looking at you in the mirror

You are tired as you skip breakfast,

You are tired as you tie your shoes, as you put on your coat,

You are tired as you step out of the door.

Just an empty bag on your shoulder as you drown your mind in the sound coming out of your headphones.

You weave through a faceless crowd, walking without watching because everything is a routine by now.

You are tired as you walk.

Your eyes staring into nothingness, a blank stare plastered on your face.

You must fix this before arriving, before seeing people you know, before disappointing people by letting them in on the ugly truth.

It’s only when you see that your shoelace has come undone that you realise where you are.

Your gaze is now fixated on the landscape.

Cars passing by, joggers running on the side, teenagers walking to school.

People seem so little from up here.

You feel so little here, in this world.

The air is cold, biting at your skin and making your eyes water as you can’t seem to will them closed.

Your mind is blank, your heart feels calm.

It is as if the numbness at the tips of your fingers took hold of your entire body and soul.

You stare at the sky, your mind reeling with dreams of flying — yes — of feeling free.

Maybe you should call.

It would be a good idea to call.

But if you do, wouldn’t it mean you’ve passed a point of no return ?

You don’t want to realise that, no you prefer denial, you prefer nothingness, emptiness, numbness.

But your fingers have typed the numbers and it is dialing.

The ringing filling your ears.

You have always wondered how it felt to fly.

How the wind flowing through your clothes, against your skin would make you feel free.

Yet you’ve always been the type to bury yourself in a hole hoping to see one day the blue of the sky.

And as the line seems to get cold.

- you feel numb, you’ve been burning with haste

- And you realise it now what a terrible waste

You dream that you would be an angel, with beautiful wings, able to touch the clouds.

But in the end, you know you were never meant to soar high in the sky.

As Icarus you brunt your wings down and everything came crashing down…

Finally, your mind stops reeling as another phone is ringing.

- - -

Inspired by @jackstauber ’s song “Baby Hotline”

+ ringing sounds from the song as well

Credit to @adhimuff_ and @avogado6_jp for the piece of arts I used to illustrate my words.

+ montage on CapCut.

Be aware that this piece tackles dark subjects surrounding mental health.

If you find yourself in a position as such, you should seek help (even though it is easier said than done I know) but talk to a parent or close person. Aside from that you can always reach out to a su*c*de hotline. It is very important to get help, hope is not lost. ❤️

Moreover I am conscious my prononciation isn’t perfect in this audio so I apologize for that, I’ll do better in the future 🫶🏻

- Beaucoup d’amour, Poppy ❤️

🔺Original work, please do not steal or copy. Thanks. 🔺

I feel really startlingly lonely lately but also maybe a bit unhappy, not as intensely as I have in the past but some, and I think I am aware of my being kind of a downer to be around sometimes and then I feel a little worse, do you guys get that? like the loop of wanting to see or speak to the people you love more but also knowing you're not in the best place to begin with?

Babe, listen

Your fic isn’t a flop, it’s a cult classic. Only the coolest freaks like it, don’t worry about it, it’s great.

come get ya juice

every time i start to feel cringe for being too deep in the hyperfixation i remember the intense depression i have waded through and have to remind myself that enjoyment is fleeting (so grab it with both hands), and life is for loving (so hold that love close), and if anyone thinks i’m cringe they must not be having a very good time (and i hope they can find a good time soon).

❀ Pansy n°8 = Who are my / our Husbandos ?

*sigh*

You know how therapists say - at least tiktok ones :/ - that to be ready for a relationship you have to break off your imaginary ones first ? Well for me - and many people I’m sure - it is complicated to say goodbye to thousand that much fictive lives and lovers… Especially when it’s the only way I get to fall asleep, making up fake scenarios.

I dream so much about love, I’ve got to have it in some way, no ? Be it with fictional characters, celebrities, voice actors or even made up characters, I have to dream about a significant other loving up on me. Am I exposing myself too much ? Yes, yes I am … :/ But, f*ck it.

It is really easy to imagine a life with a celebrity as they are public personalities and we know so much about their lives. Too much… Moreover, your brain - and heart - does not make the difference between real people and fictional ones. That’s why you can feel truly heartbroken when a character you’ve grown attached to is sad or dies. Real or not, it makes no difference when emotions are thrown into the mix…

→ The way I realized this was true is pretty embarrassing but I’ll tell you anyway… I was young - around 17 - and in a big as well as deep spiderman / Tom Holland period. So much that it was concerning… :/ Then, pictures of Zendaya and Tom kissing came out and their relationship was outed. And… *sigh* My first reaction was crying. I felt heartbroken but mostly pathetic and embarrassed to be affected so much by it. I was disgusted by myself, because I was crying over something - someone - that had nothing to do with me. Yet it was a true awakening. After that I stopped - or at least I think I did :/ - to get THIS attached to my dumb celebrity crushes.

It also made me realize something really important.

We don’t know who our celebrity crushes are, not really. What we see of them is only through media, dramas, speculations… Their images are controlled and a source of income for many - *cough cough* paparazzis :/. Sadly, they don’t have the chance to live freely, away from camera lenses…

And we, their fandom, play a part in their objectification. It’s important to know that the person we have a crush on, write fictions about and obsess over is a made up version of them. It’s only how we picture them, how we’d like them to be. Not how they are, because we don’t know. We can’t know. And we shouldn’t, because they have a right to privacy.

We don’t know them, exactly how they don’t know each one of us.

So now, I see it more like having a crush on a fictional character. Because that’s what they become. They have made up lives and personalities. It’s fake, it’s fictional. And it’s okay. I think it’s better than knowing every detail and overstepping boundaries in their busy and stressful lives. It might be okay to admire and be attracted to them, but it definitely isn’t if we don’t respect that they stay humans and that in their place we wouldn’t want our lives to be invaded by strangers.

Nevertheless, drawing this conclusion makes me feel even more lonely. Plus, all these imagination filled scenarios definitely don’t help to have a realistic idea of love. I feel bound to be disappointed by life and love - especially by men :/. That’s the problem with overthinking, dreaming and projecting too much… You always end up falling from the high cloud you set yourself on.

Maybe one day I’ll find “the one” - whoever it may be or if they even exist. Only time will tell, for now I’ll try and deal with the loneliness.

✿❀✿

🔺Original work please do not steal or copy, Thanks.🔺

❀ Pansy n°7 = My mind's safe space.

safe space - noun → a place or environment in which a person or category of people can feel confident that they will not be exposed to discrimination, criticism, harassment, or any other emotional or physical harm.

It’s quite easy to understand what a safe space is, but I would like to add to this definition that it can also be a person - since you’re with someone it could go into “environment” I guess. Personally, my safe spaces are my room and bed, my sisters, my family circle and my mom’s embrace. Those are things that can make me feel instantly better.

I know about these, how they affect me and especially how I struggle to live without them. Getting out of my comfort zone really isn’t my forte… :/ Though there is one place where I can always go when I need a break, a breath… It’s a safe space I created on my own to fit my fantasies and needs to help me calm down and stay serene.

I can literally go there whenever, as I carry it in my mind. Firstly, I created this mind safe space in PE in Highschool  when we were doing yoga with my favorite teacher. She helped us a lot to manage our stress and so we did a lot of meditation at the end of her classes. And for this time of peaceful concentration, she asked us to find a memory of a cherished place or even a made up one where we can feel good, calm down and fully relax.

Loving to be in imaginary headplaces, I thought of creating one - it eventually became my waiting room when I tried to shift. The place I’m about to describe truly became a safe space for me.

✿❀✿

This safe haven basically consists of an opening in the middle of trees. The grass has the perfect height and is a warm tone of green. In the middle of the clearing, there is a huge and beautiful lake - that I often struggle to visualize. I’d love for it to have some sort of littler waterfalls and big rocks all around as if it was more of a natural pool you might find in mountains. But my brain keeps it simple, often picturing it just as a simple body of water - but I’ll work on that :). As the soft wind blows in the trees and the grass, occasionally making the water ripple, you can find under the shade of a tree, an outdoor bed. Its wooden structure sits directly on the ground. Its soft and pristine white sheets are the perfect depiction of comfort. Its size makes it more than able to hold two people and allowing the best naps of the world - well, imaginary world.

✿❀✿

This is most of what I visualize when meditating, laying down in this bed to release and concentrate on myself. I also do it when I try to fall asleep, sometimes - if not most of the time - I listen to quiet and soothing music with slight rain sounds, it really calms my running mind. Yet this place is bigger than expected. In fact, I expanded it for my dream purposes.

✿❀✿

Behind the bed - which faces the lake - the clearing extends itself towards a small meadow made of hills. Not too far from the outdoor bed, sits a medium size cottage. I don’t really know how it looks because it’s mostly in the background but I know it’s beautiful and cozy - probably with a stone façade. I love this place dearly. Many times have I pictured myself dancing with comfort characters in the tall grass in the white outdoor bed safely tucked in someone’s strong embrace. I just can’t help but feel calm and secure there.

✿❀✿

I think I’d advise everyone to have a place like this, to be able to retreat somewhere when things get too much and you need to focus on yourself. As I said, it’s also good for meditation times, though it’s important to know to not picture yourself with someone at that moment as it’s a time to pay attention to yourself and it’s really important to have those times. Taking care of yourself is detrimental.

I’ll leave you to that dear reader, but not without asking you what is your mind’s safe space ! Don’t be shy to comment or DM me, I’m very curious :).

✿❀✿

🔺Original work please do not steal or copy, Thanks.🔺