I Confess, Doubt Has Been Restraining Me From The Beginning. I Didn't Really Think We Can Make It. But

I confess, doubt has been restraining me from the beginning. I didn't really think we can make it. But look at us, we made it this far.

We made it this far to say goodbye.

(Surprisingly, we made it farther than I thought)

Katie, 21:00

All I ever want is to see your eyes light up again;

Even if it means breaking into million pieces.

-Katie, 12:30

I want to be lost

In my ocean of thoughts

Linger in the depth

Of my rambling chaos

//

Perhaps to be lost is better

Than have me stand

Infront of you

But never seen

For you seek

The comfort

Of winding lies

Not the beautiful fiasco

Of black stormy hair

Freckled facial skin

A pair of clear brown eyes

Dancing about your face

Once in a while they stop

To stare

A little deeper

Like they're trying to probe

Into your soul

Completely shrouded

In an exquisite smile

A perfect masquerade

//

I try to know you

Like a sacred creed

But you hide beneath

Layers of cemented lies

You refuse to speak

To my exposed soul

Cast away the truth

Back to the grave

Where it spent

Eons of incarceration

//

Why wouldn't you look at me

As I bare it all

I stand in stark nudity

Before you

But you turn away

//

Are you afraid

To discover what's engraved

In my bones

For so long

Your name

Tattooed in me

In my soul

A beautiful calligraphy

Of pain

An anguished scream

Swallowed by the wind

A tale

Of love and lost

Spilled carelessly

In ancient Baybayin

-Tattooed in me,

Katie, 20:00

(Baybayin is an ancient pre-colonial Philippine writing system.The term Baybay literally means "to spell" in Tagalog.)

All of a sudden I've become numb. I can't feel my heart. I can't feel you. And it drives me insane thinking how this inability to feel is both daunting and consoling.

Katie, 12:55

If I swing the sword

While I cannot see

Will my judgment be

An epitome

Of what this world perceives

Justice would be?

I give good counsel

But I cannot see

Someone blindfolded me

With a cloth

So I can decide

With fairness

But I can hear

Voices urging me

To swing the sword

If I hit someone

I would not know

Because I am blinded

But they say it's just

So I thread thorny paths

I falter, get wounded

For I cannot see

I just follow the voices

Telling me

This way, Themis!

But which way?

I can only hear

And I don't trust the voices

Sometimes they shout

Sometimes they mumble

So now I am lost

The voices stopped

I am engulfed in silence

Where should I go?

Which way should

I swing the sword?

Do I have to

Swing the sword?

Please tell me so

If I have to...

-Swing the sword,

Katie, 18:30

Image: Pinterest

I loved you long before

I knew the color of your eyes

How your lips curve into a smile

How your heart beat rhymes with mine

So when you asked me to gamble with time

Oh I followed blindly

Walked with you

Without thinking twice

//

For your voice roared

Over the hubbub

In my head

Like a song

Taking me home

A resonating echo

In my dreams

Oh you called

I heard you every time

Whispering promises

More intoxicating

Than wine

//

But somehow everything felt unreal

Like the man that you are is just a work of fiction

Making me believe in false prophecies

As I leaned against rapidly collapsing walls

Cringed from the coldness that crawls

On my skin

Reminding me of every sin

We ever committed in the name of selfish whims

//

How we braved the storms

Expunged all uncertainties tangling

Our straight path

Like we knew where we're heading

Perhaps it was love

That kept us going

We didn't care if it lasts

Or if it costs us so much

More than we can afford

A golden penny or a drop of blood

We gambled every dream

We ever caught

Coupled with the hopes

We bottled

//

Our impetousity took us farther

Than everything we have put into plan

Threaded desert of snow

Swam oceans of unknowable sorrow

Fear has crept in me one of those moments

But when I looked at you

I defied gravity

Floated in cloud nine

Suddenly

There's no doubt in my mind

That we can make it

That we will make it

//

But did we?

Did we make it?

We could have made it

If you held tighter

I got you

But you chose to let go

Of everything

We ever built

I held on to you

To every word

You ever said

I honestly believed

You wanted me with you too

That you won't cast me out

After letting me get used

To your presence

To your warmth

But what have you done?

Of all the things

You could have done

You broke me

Like I mean nothing to you

//

I mean nothing to you! Nothing!

-Nothing,

Katie, 19:45