Schizoaffective - Tumblr Posts

Here’s to hoping that every single person with schizophrenia or a schizoaffective disorder or DID or NPD or any other ridiculously demonized mental illnesses has a wonderful day

people with ‘scary’ and ‘weird’ mental issues i love you.

i love schizophrenics. i love psychotic people, i love people on the schizospectrum, i love people with DID and OSDD, i love people with NPD, i love people with PPD, i love people with SPD, i love people with ASPD, i love people with personality disorders, i love people who hallucinate, people who have delusions, and people who have paranoia. i love people who are mentally ill in ways that are viewed as strange and scary by society. 

it is not your fault that you struggle. you are valid. you are deserving of care and you are deserving of love. your issues do not negate any of that.

I LIVED BITCH

(cw: noncon/rape, guns, disregard for gun safety, family abuse, forced isolation, medical neglect)

wanted to save this post for until i got to a safe place, but now that i am, i can give y'all a reason why i didn't post much if at all.

its mostly because of my family.

on a scale from 1-10 (10 being the worst, 1 being the best) my mom and dad are 10, most of my dad's side of the family is like, 9.5 outside of grandma n pa. they are like an 8 or 7 depending on how pissy/petty i feel about them. my brother is like, 4. and my sister is the only one whose normal about everything so she's a 1.

the reason my mom n dad are so highly rated is because my mom would lowkey ghost me for the entire summer when school stopped, and my dad is, well, according to mom- "he never takes no as an answer."

makes me think about why i always gravitated towards noncon fanfics for wilson/maxwell. Im still working on that.

grandma n pa are 8 because my grandma defends my dad (and pretty much any violent male member of the family) and my grandpa WAVED A FUCKING LOADED GUN IN MY FACE on the day of the move. if his hand was NOT on the trigger, he could've shot me in any part of my body including my head

my brother is a 4 because he hasn't apologized for beating the shit out of me almost every day until i was 16, but he's gotten a lot better at controlling his anger.

my sister was the only one who realized that the only way she was going to stay in my life was being cautious, but also realizing why i wanted out so bad, since she went through most of this herself.

outside of that, i hid most of my art from my family because i could NOT handle the disappointment that my family would show if that their "adorable daughter" drew a guy ripping his face off, or drawing porn (tho that wasnt until years later, obviously.) thats why most of my art is violent or violent in nature. its what i grew up in. constant fights all the time. cps was called a few times but they didnt do anything outside of adding to the trauma pile

im tired and finally in a safe environment where i wont be threatened to be shipped off my dad's place, which, if that was to happen... I'd lose all of my support network, including doctors and psychiatrists. I'd be completely shut off from the outside world, including my boyfriend and friends on discord. in his mind, the internet is the reason i have such high needs, instead of, y'know, THE 'TISM.

as for my past, i have gone by "noonfish" or some variation of that on tumblr, but that was while i was stuck somewhere in the alt-right rabbit hole on yt since most of my family loves trump, which is why i nuked all of them. I am deeply ashamed of my past and i'm still working on it, i know i can be better tomorrow than i was today. If i had a nickel for every time my grandma defended a rapist, I'd have three nickels, which isnt a lot but its weird it happened with three people.

i understand if people also stop following for my previous "ties" to the alt right (i was pretty surface level, mainly memes), however i was like, what, 16? and extremely isolated to boot. Thank fuck i got anti-psychotics. i was losing my mind for YEARS due to undiagnosed schizo-affective disorder, which was in play since i was 8. I still remember the time i missed my bus going home from school in elementary school, and when my mom had me in the car, she drove into a parking space and proceeded to yell at me to stop telling the teachers because "i was scaring them" because i kept seeing shadow people in the hallways. all the doctors just assumed I was being racist or something? im not sure about that but the only thing that came out of that was me getting glasses (which, tbh i did in fact, need)

after that, it went lowkey until middle/high school, where it resurfaced again and will continue until i fucking die, so thats fun. if I didn't have schizo-affective disorder, i probably still would've fallen for the alt-right pipeline on yt when i was a child (because of unsupervised access to the internet), but at least i'd be able to make a coherent statement about it. i still hate all those people that helped make my mental illness worse to the point i thought only ohio existed for like, 6 months. shit was awful.

so yeah, thats why i've been so on n off. hope to get some art soon since its about time i should do a full render. maybe it will be two girls kissing.

Can you explain or list the symptoms of the disabilities you are suffering from?

A. It will help us All get to know you better.

B. It may help other neurodivergents suffering to.

The most common and persistant symptoms i have for my schizoaffective disorder is

1.) Textile hallucinations (you can hallucinate with all 5 senses btw!)

2.) Depression episodes

3.) Manic episodes (more rare)

The medicine i take mostly helps the delusions from setting in, as well as stopping the feeling of bugs crawling all over me.

Some of my older art from deviantart and my art thread on the klei fourms feature me struggling with the depression and delusions that i struggled with during childhood.

Not sure how to explain the 'tism tho since it can be dratically different from one another.

Also did i mention i have childhood verbal apraxia?

Childhood verbal apraxia is where my brain doesnt quite get the memo for controling the muscles responsible for speech, making it easy for me to trip up words that do not correlate to each other, and the best part is its lifelong and does not resolve on its own. I should always be in speech therapy to combat the verbal apraxia as it makes it hard to deal with... everything else.

I feel like theres more but i cant really remember them rn so

Yeah

Random (pop culture) psychology headcanon #2

ENA(from Joel G on YouTube) has Schizoaffective disorder

I wanna change my life so bad and the only person stopping me from doing that is me.

I need to get back in the gym and cut down my intake. I need to get off this shitty medication that makes me a zombie. I need to get on better medication for my sleep (or stay up all night to try to fix it).

I'm done struggling. I want to be happy so bad and antipsychotics are making me feel SHITE

why are non psychotics so obsessed with "schizocore" and then always use it to be racist or triggering shit is so exhausting

man i hate the internet people be normal for once

those fucking "delulu" mfs too SHUT UUUUUP

LET'S GET HARMFUL STIGMATIZING POSTS DOWN !!

tags in mind are stuff like schizocore, schizoposting delulu is the solulu and the fog is coming. shit like that and just anything that is harmful to psychotics & schizospec

the post this is referring to: https://www.tumblr.com/johnnyiscaged/746385499137179648/why-are-non-psychotics-so-obsessed-with

Fully resonate with this!!!! I have very limited access to my memories of anything that happened in 2019.

Sometimes, I blame it on my meds for limiting my brain capacity/functionality to remember things and sometimes I really hate myself for thinking that I can't remember things especially when it comes with memories of my loved ones.

some pages about living with schizophrenia

read the full thing here

I have two new paintings available for grabs!

if you’d like to snag one please shoot me a message.

Please reblog to support a schizophrenic artist 💚

i am stuck in a perpetual cycle of making myself worse for i do not believe i can be better