Friendship Problems - Tumblr Posts
Me: I want a friend, I'm so alone... ;-;
Also me: I don't want any friends, what if they just befriended me out of empathy? What if I did something which would make them hate me? I'd rather be alone in my own universe with my para friends.
have you ever overthink a situation and months later you accidentally find something that actually proves that your overthinking was right all along? It's crazy...
sometimes I'm having this feeling like they were just waiting for me to leave...
Why I Can’t Bring Myself to Tell My Friends I Love Them
I used to tell my friends that I loved them all the time. If I saw them doing something I thought was cute, or if they made an awesome joke, or if they tried their hardest on something, or when I would get the occasional rush of gratitude for them, I would tell them. Love was meant to be expressed when they were still there to receive it, and love was meant for everyone. I wanted everyone to know that love was meant to be given liberally.
Back when my ex best friend cared about me, she was so supportive. She would tell me that there was good in the world and there were things to be living for, and she would always be so happy and in love with life. She was a small person, with a round face and the warmest hugs, and she would tell me that I was worth it. That I was worth loving, that I was amazing, that I made her life better. My second new best friend does that too. She does all of that. They’re different people, but in terms of what they provide me they’re nearly the same, and in terms of appearance, they look similar. And that scares me because there’s a reason my ex best friend is no longer my friend, and to see the same feelings start for someone similar is terrifying.
When I finally acknowledged my first best friend after moving on from the last one, I noticed she was giving me everything my ex best friend couldn’t, but I was resigned to the idea that she wasn’t as verbally or physically affectionate. I still love that best friend, but those are my love languages, and I don’t usually get them from other people. And then my second best friend came into my life and gave me exactly what I wanted and needed that was missing from my first best friend. But now there’s a problem. Because my first best friend isn’t very verbally affectionate, she probably wouldn’t like it if I told her I love her, and even if she did, I would be opening up to her too much and that might push her away. My second best friend would absolutely love it if I told her I loved her, but I’m too worried that I’ll put all my energy into that friendship only to slowly realise that I’m not getting anything back.
I want to love them. I do love them. And I always thought it was a cliché motivation when a character was like “I’ve been hurt before and I don’t want to be hurt again”, but that is exactly how I feel and I couldn’t even trust my second best friend when she told me that she would always care about me because that’s what I told my ex best friend and now I hate her with a burning passion. I hate songs like “Night Changes” or “The One That Got Away” because they remind me that something you think will be infinite could end within a moment, and I hate reading fanfics where characters end up far away from each other with no possible way of regaining the relationship they had before and/or in canon because that’s the truth of life. People will come and go and you can’t do anything about it. Love is never going to be enough if it’s only going one way. Life isn’t a show where everything comes full circle; there are going to be loose ends and regrets and there will be no consolation or closure and everyone leaves eventually no matter how much you or they care. I love my best friends now but if I admit it to them then it solidifies the idea that there’s something to lose, and I can’t stand that. I don’t want to be hurt again. Despite how genuine my best friends may be right now, there will be a day where they don’t care. I don’t want to reach that day. I don’t want it to continue to that point. I don’t want to tell them I love them.
Friends are hard. Like, making friends is nerve racking and all, but also just keeping friends. I'm kind of like an obsessive person, but if i havent seen you in a hot second, i just kinda forget you exist?
But also, its so hard to maintain friendships, even ones that are inportant to you. I have a firend i've known sience like 3rd grade, and we've been friends sience then. They used to be homeschooled, and we hung out so often. We introduced eachother to a lot of our fandoms, and have just been friends for so long. But recently, they got really into dance, and just started going to a private school. It seems like they are doing really well there, and im sooo happy for them, but they also like stopped talking to me.
To be fair, its not all on them. there were a solid couple of months i didnt reach out, but seince then i reach out and ask if we can hangout, and they always say they have dance, which i get, because i play volleyball, and im gone a lot of weekends, but they never follow up? And recently i asked what weekends they are availible, and they never even responded. And i mean, its been a little wierd the last couple times we hung out, but their friendship really means a lot to me.
Out of all the friends ive made in the last like 8 years, i thought they were the one that was gonna last. the friendship just had that vibe, you know? And it just sucks, because i really like them, and I like talking with them, and hanging out. I love their family, their pets, everything. but like, i do think its over. And it just sucks, because im so glad they have a better social life, im so glad their dance is going well, but I wish we could still hang out.
ok, so this might sound dumb, but it midnight, and once again im lonely.
How the hell do people have "best friends"? like actual ride-or-die friends. Because I have friends, but like, casual friends. I dont even know how to make good friends. But even my casual friends arent like good friends.
And, a lot of this is on me. I have trouble reaching out, so when I switched schools, i stopped interacting with my friends as much, because thats just normal for me. They are still my good friends, thats just kinda how I opperate? I get busy with school, or volleyball, and forget I have actual human friends for a while.
Like, I'm moving back to my old school, so I have been trying to reach out to my friends from that school. And, ngl, this is mostly my fault, because I have not talked to them much, but they wont respond. And its not like they are doing anything malicious, its just that they hve other things to do. when we stopped talking, they found someone else, and now im left kinda waiting? Like, they dont even respond? They just leave me on read. And like, I get that people have lives, but i am reaching out, and they arent responding. So I text them again, maybe they respond, maybe not.
And heres the thing. I may be busy, but I will ALWAYS respond, and I am always there. So like, when I have to send double or triple texts? It kind of hurts.
Like even the people that i was REALLY good friends with, they just have better things to do, and It kind of sucks.
And I need some friends right now. It would just be nice to have people to talk to, but most of the people I know are basicaly casual acquaintances. Which kind of sucks. I just feel like I have no meaningful relationships.
anyways, if you need a friend, hit me up. I can be dry, but I will respond, and I can sometimes be fun.