Tw Childhood Trauma - Tumblr Posts

Popping in for a sec to vent because it's 6 am n I keep having flashbacks and thoughts.

LONG RANT/VENT AHEAD!!!!

My first relationship screwed me up more than I thought, id try to confide in him about my trauma n things but he down played mine and practically said his was worse...

So without fully realizing I constantly felt the need this urge to defend my cpstd with anyone even family.

I never feel validated for what I've been through and I have been through a lot...

From the age of 16-18 I'd let anyone take advantage of me, use me I did not care about myself I still don't really but it was worse back then..

The things I let myself go through the things I'd do to myself I regret it I'm ashamed of myself for it...

I was in such a dark place and no one cared no one.

I did not protect myself from anyone I'd let guys just do whatever they wanted to me...

Now realizing the gravity of what happened to me n what I did to myself I'm glad I'm somewhat out of being that person that I was..

But it still haunts me the memories haunt me the people around me disgust me because they just let it happen no one stopped to help me to give me support or love now I have to that to myself which is incredibly hard to do..

I constantly downplay my own emotions and stuff I can't trust anyone or let anyone completely in because of all this crap weighing in on me n I think people are full of shit when they say they care about me..

Because most of the time they are no one sticks around people talk to me for a while then drop me n don't talk to me anymore.

I honestly feel validated by it like yeah leave just get away from me already I don't need you I don't need anyone.

But I crave connection only to find it then destroy it eventually.

I can't keep up with talking to people texting is hard n draining so I can tend to be a dry texter or an awkward one honestly I don't know what kind of texter I am to people but eh...

This is a long babble so I'm going to just leave this now.

YOU ARE VALID YOUR TRAUMA IS VALID DONT LET ANYONE TELL YOU IT ISNT TRAUMA IS TRAUMA!!!!!!!!!

goodnight or good morning to anyone who reads this I'm going to go to try to sleep now...

I'd never want to go back to being a child I encountered way too much back then,

Lived through too much trauma I don't want to encounter it again.

Y'know sometimes it takes some tik toks to make you really think..

I don't think I've really thought about or realized how much my childhood really shaped me into the person I am..

How instead of male yelling voices it's female yelling voices that trigger me the most I feel like a lil kid again scared and afraid and I hate feeling like that.

Same old thing no one notices it I tell them but they ignore me.

My mother says are triggers are our own and need to deal with them on our own..

But how when you've never learned how too?

I have audhd and she knows this she's been told since my childhood in school and out of school that things will be harder for me to learn...

Idk I think she thinks I make excuses for why I can't do certain things..

She makes things ten times harder on me "oh it's not that hard" " you can do it it's not that hard" but it is and I don't have the ability to really explain why I can't do it...

It seems like this is just me complaining about the same ol things I already have...

I know I'm pathetic I'm 25 n still living with my mom but I don't have anywhere else to go..

Sending so, so much love out there for self-shippers with strained relationships with their fathers this Father’s Day. It’s an incredibly hard thing when someone whose job is to nurture and help you grow ends up hurting you, may it be verbally, emotionally, or even physically at times.

If you have fatherly familial F/Os, know that they are there for you and they always will be. They’ll be there for any messy panic attacks/flashbacks/crying spells, and will lend you a close ear if you need someone to vent or rant to. They’ll be sure to remind that whatever happened between you and your father is not your fault at all and that sometimes, bad things just happen to good kids for no reason.

With all their heart, they’ll promise to always be there to protect you and make you feel safe and happy and cared for, no matter what. You’re their child, their baby, and it's only fair that you should be treated with the respect and care you deserve.

The road to healing from traumatic abuse is not linear, but your fatherly F/Os will be there for you, one step at a time as you heal. They love and treasure you, forever and always.

TW: past abuse. trauma theme.

—- + -—

Whatever happened in the past, it robbed you of something. Choices were so fickle, people were so hard to please, and it took a great toll on you blindly walking on eggshells everyday.

You should’ve seen the look in your F/O’s eyes when they learnt of this. It wasn’t a crazy or disgusted look, never. It was just… hollow and lost. A labyrinth of feelings spearing through them: rage at the person(s) who did this, painful vulnerability that they weren’t there to shield their beloved, utter confusion at why anybody would even dare to think such things of you— much less act them out… and determination. The determination to show you that you can and have proved your abuser wrong.

Your F/O is there to commemorate the good days. They’ll greet each beautiful morning and send off each graceful night with your stunning smile in mind. Even when the moment comes that you doubt your past, they make sure to come close — whether literally or figuratively — and list off all of the amazing things you were able to do despite the pain brought by people who were supposed to cherish you (even if you think the only remarkable thing you did was getting out of bed for two seconds.) The past tried to destroy you, and you endured even when it seemed hopeless. It’s okay to rest now, your F/O loves each and every “broken” part of you.

Your F/O is there to remind you you’re not alone when the world has chosen you to play Atlas. No matter how much you could try to convince them otherwise, they’ll always reply with a gentle (yet pointed) look, because “Even if this is you being a burden, I’d still carry something ten times heavier just to spend a few moments with you.” They’ll encourage you to allow yourself soft moments… coax you to let down your walls around them— as far as you’re comfortable, of course… happily give you small reasons to greet each day alongside them… ease in each and every awe-inspiring thing about you so you can at least see a fraction of yourself the way they see you…

Your F/O is simply, endlessly, lovingly there.

love me

So true and I wholeheartedly agree with this.

Every conversation that they had had a potential for violence. It was almost like a physical weight bearing down. Han Gihwan did everything to break Joowon on a psychological level.

And if I could, I would beat that man to a pulp. But I think the realization that he had when he saw Joowon side with Dongsik was enough to send him spiraling.

While I'm on the topic of the effects of abuse, there is a popular headcanon that Han Gihwan might have raised a hand on Han Joowon as a child. Which is fair enough, there are signs, it could have indeed happened. But personally, I like that the show never explicitly tells us that.

Because whatever the hell Han Gihwan is doing on-screen is enough to call him an abusive father. Abuse doesn't have to show itself in physical violence directed towards a victim. Even if it turns out that Han Gihwan has never ever raised a finger at his son, what he canonically does to him is enough to give Joowon the trauma that he has. We really don't need more violence to explain what is going on with Joowon.

There is also something to be said about the media and pop culture diminishing the abuse of children who don't get directly hit. "It wasn't that bad, some people have it worse," I hate sentiments like that. Which is why I love that we have Joowon—a good representation of abuse that isn't hitting and that is still devastatingly damaging.

2 in the morning…

Sirius (answering the phone): Hello?

Hope: Sirius?

Sirius: Hope? What are you doing up?

Hope: Today when I told you to stop licking the batter from the whisk you looked sort of like a kicked puppy.

Sirius: What

Hope: I don’t mean to pry but…

Sirius: Yeah?

Hope: Sirius, dear, did you get traumatized in some way as a child?

Sirius: WHAT

Hope: Was it your parents?

Sirius: …yes

Hope: Do you want to talk about it?

Sirius: …

Sirius (voice breaking): YeAh that’d be reALy nice aCTually-