Tw Venting - Tumblr Posts

loOKS arOunD… hAH... thE roOm’s A tWISTeD jungLE, piLE oF cLOtHs, bOOks, JUnk; ouR owN persONaL debRiS fielD 🚮🌀... body’s SCREAMin’, eVEn baThrooM bECOmes a MoUNtaiN 🌋⛰️, juST eAtin’ fEeLs like battLIng 10,000 draGons 🐉💥! clEaninG? NoThIng bUT agONy, moM’s OUT aT wORk, she’s gOT nO tIME fOr THIS meSS 🕰️💸. ShE sEEz ouR rOOm, oUR bODy aLL dECaYin’ aND tiMe driPPing by; gETs mAD wE aiN’t "fiXED" but whAT cAn we dO? prOMisEs FAdE liKE shadOWs—sHE sAID she’d TaKE cARE oF us, bUt iT’S beEn a YEAR!! aLL we’ve sEEn is a gEnEral docToR whO jUST SAYS "hMMM" aT ouR aCHES 🫣⚠️. sHE knOWs wE’Re in PAIINNNN, bUT doEsn’t Look fOR anY ReaL pain dOCtors, sayS “tOo buSy, too ExpENsive,” aND sO we’rE left fORRrgotTEN, dRiftIng... 🕳️🕳️!! 😶‍🌫️ moVED HERE foR beTTeR dAyS, bUT wE're sTuck in bED wITH NOO spACE TO breAthe, boDY rotTiNG AwAy bEcaUSe iT hUrTS To exIst. 🛏️☠️ aBUSeRs WiLL saY anYthinG to kEep yOu, to locK yOu uP iN a pRomise oF noThinG. nO PaiN mEds fOR uS... NEVER, neVer, nEVeR! 💀 she’ll oNLy keeP giVinG bASIC necESSITieS, smALL tReATS tO keeP uS quiET, BuT AnytHInG MoRE??? haH, it’s aLL jusT Dust and EchOes 🕸️🌑... nO hOPe heRE... juST the sAME oLD cyCLe oF hURt.

anD aFTer she’s GOne we’LL be lOST liKe a liTTle caT—sTriPEs, flUFF, and cONFUsiOn—juST DRivEn oFF inTo tHe wILd wHEre the tREes doN’t kNOW oUR name 🐾🌲⛓️. nO moRE BOwl fuLL oF scRAps, no mORE rOOF tO huDdlE undER, juST thE woRLD buRniNG and SCReaming… wHat thEN? WHeRE do wE go? a hOme iS a gHOst, A prIson waIts oN the oTHEr sIDe, LOckED uP iN “cArE” thAT’s A bUSinEsS of PuNIShmENt, a CYCLE of hURt, no tRUE ESCapE bUT thE OPPOSITe oF lIFE 💉🪦… ouR bODy brEAks bEforE tASTing fReEDom, fADes BEfORE wE cAn EvEN cLimB out of THis cAgE 🎭📉. bORN UNdER thEm, dYInG uNder ThEM, dRownInG in the aIrs iT’s FoRce-fed us... THIS? THIs Wasn’T the drEAm, thIS aiN’T thE SONG we wANted tO SinG 😔🥀. wE wERE nevER MAdE foR thIS worLD oF cHAINs aND CLawS; wE WeRe maDE foR sOMETHING BRIGHtER, LoUDer, wILDer... but thEY dIDN’t leT us tOUcH IT. 🚫🌀👁️‍🗨️

we’RE so SO so loNELy it HUrts liKe a bLAde twiSTed riGHT in thE miND, ANGRy aLL the tiME, buT eXhauSTEeeeedDD aNd pARanoId of eVeRY ShAdow tHat faLLs liKE A prOmiSe tO dIE 👁️🌑 raTtling iN ouR heAD... hYpeRvIgILanT LIkE a cAt wiTh iTs cLawS ouT; waItiNg FoR thE neXT THINg TO TEaR uS aPArt 🐾🗡️!! trAumA mADe a homE iN ouR skIN, buILT itSELF a foRtrESs in tHE crevICES, neVer letTIng uS brEatHe 🔒😵‍💫!! anxIEty scrEamS LIKe an aLARM thAT woN’t SHut oFf; StRESS ANd grIEf DanCINg ARouNd oUR sOUL lIkE gHOsTs wE nevER iNviTEd 😞🕯️ dEprESSIon’s aN OLd FriEnd wE dIDN’t WAnt buT It juSt KEePS cOmInG, hoPeleSsneSs aT thE dOOrsiDE, wHispERing “WHY BotheR?” wHiLe AGONY cRaws iNto OUr BONES... grIEvIng foR whAt’s lOSt, foR whAT wE NeveR Had, foR WHat we’ll neVEr tOUCh. 💥⏳ sIck INsiDE aND ouT, spIRalINg deSPAir... jUSt wANtinG iT ALL TO enD Or chANge, buT thE VoID dOesn’t LisTen... 🕳️🪦😔

wE’rE sO PIsseD 🌀⚡ wHeN ya get Thrown ⏳👈 off a CLIFF BY UR OWn sO-cAllEd "savIor," 🤡💥 buT GUeSS WHAt? 👀🗯 oV3r-th3-coUNTer-REALITY 🩹 is NOt eVEN aLLOWed 🛑😤 whY? ‘caUse SHE lEFT 'HIM' 🤡🤢—BUT gUeSs what, wE AIn’T goT NO 💸 dOllar-mAkEs-us-hOllEr tRuth tABLETs 💊🚫🤬!!

sHE fL3D, hUH? rAN LIkE shE’d BEEn ThE CAGeD biRD 🕊️❌ buT LEft US wITH thE BARBS 🪓🦴 nOW wE’rE sTuck in this thRIFT shop oF 💔 deSPair, SHE gOt AWAY 🚪bUT OH OH OH WE Didn’t EvER gET NO TicKeT 🛤️🌫️ ouT—SH3 sAW tO ThAT 🥀⛓️!! thE GoD sHe pRays TO? wE HoPE H3 WOrMs hEr iNto THe DEEPEST fiREpIT 🕯️🔥 oF whaT-evER afterLIFe she GOnE speaK aBout 🙄🪦!

BaCK THEn we HAD 👀🤑 thInGS!! coUlD AffORD thE SCRAPs and BoTtLES wE DiDN’t eVEn nEEd tO Beg fOr. BuT NOW?? nOw It’s An EMpty PlAte 🍽️ oF NothInG BUT eMptY hANDs and fAKE hOPes ‘caUse sHe sAid SH3 wAS BeIng aBUsED—buT she’s thE ONE wHO thrEw uS in ThE MoUtH of thIs MONSTER!! 🤡🦷 hElD ouR hEAd oVeR thE EDGe, LAugHing All thE WAY doWN!

WE AIn’T gOT nO EscAPE; 🌀 wE’rE StILL iN thE cLUTcHEs, no GEt-AwAY, no KeY, jUst a FLesH cAge whEre wE DiDn’t gET OuT—SH3 dID, bUt wE’RE hErE in thE oN-GoinG MAzE!!! thE LEAST SHE CoUld dO iS JuST TAkE thAt SiLVeR piLL aND LeT uS go SLEEP 💤 fOrEVer! ‘cAuSE no MatTER WHat wE’rE JuSt thE LEFTovers 🍴🩸 oF HeR so-CAllEd "sALvatION," shE OWES US thAT MErCy, yOu knOw!?!? 🙃🎭👁️

SO, HERE’S THE MILLION-DOLLAR QUESTION! WHEN DOES BELIEVING SOMETHING TURN YOU INTO THE BIG BAD WOLF?! 👁’LL TELL YOU WHEN—THE MOMENT PEOPLE DECIDE TO PLAY JUDGE, JURY, AND EXECUTIONER, THAT’S WHEN! IT’S A REAL RIOT, AIN’T IT? IMAGINE JUST WALKING INTO A ROOM YOU ALREADY BELONG IN AND—BAM!—OUT ON YOUR ASS BECAUSE YOU’VE GOT A *THOUGHT* THAT DOESN’T FIT THE SCRIPT! HAHA, LOVELY, ISN’T IT? THEY ACT LIKE THEY’RE SAVING THE WORLD, BUT ALL THEY'RE REALLY DOING IS MAKING SURE YOU NEVER FORGET YOU'RE THE “BOOGEYMAN.”

IT’S HYSTERICAL! 👁'M C0MPLEX C0NTACT, PR0 LEANING, SURE—BUT HEY, EVER HEARD OF NUANCE? OH, RIGHT, THAT DOESN’T FIT THEIR LITTLE MORAL PANIC, DOES IT? THE WHOLE “👁 BELIEVE SOCIETY COULD SHIFT AND MAYBE CERTAIN FOLKS COULD CONSENT UNDER DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES” THING? YEAH, THAT ONE DOESN’T GO OVER TOO WELL WITH THE MOB, DOES IT? OH, BUT IF SOMEBODY SAYS THEY’RE CONSENTING, 👁 BELIEVE IT—YUP, STILL FOCUSING ON CONSENT! BUT, OH, THE HORROR! "PR0-C0NTACT! MONSTER! ABUSER!" HA! IT’S LIKE A BROKEN RECORD THAT WON'T STOP SKIPPING ON THE WORST PART OF THE SONG!

AND THE BEST PART? 👁'M THE VICTIM HERE! LITERALLY STUCK UNDER OUR OWN ABUSER, BARELY CRAWLING OUT OF BED—AND YET 👁'M THE MONSTER? OH, THAT’S RICH! SO WHAT’S THE VERDICT, FOLKS? SHOULD 👁 JUST LAY DOWN AND DIE TO MAKE YOU HAPPY? HA! “HEY, YOU DID IT! YOU MADE THE ‘ABUSER’ WANT TO KICK THE BUCKET! GIVE YOURSELVES A ROUND OF APPLAUSE, YOU MORAL HEROES!”

AND LET’S NOT EVEN GET STARTED ON THE ANTIS. IT’S JUST LIKE ANY OTHER WITCH HUNT, ISN’T IT? SURE, NOT EVERY ANTI IS FOAMING AT THE MOUTH, BUT OH BOY, YOU GET TOO MANY TOGETHER AND IT’S A LYNCH MOB! “NO PR0 C0NTACTS ALLOWED! PR0 = ABUSER!” HA! 👁 SEE IT ALL THE TIME. YOU’D THINK PEOPLE WERE TRYING TO OUTDO EACH OTHER IN THE ‘WHO CAN HATE M👁 MORE’ OLYMPICS.

👁'M JUST TIRED. TIRED OF THE HATE. TIRED OF FEELING IT SEEP INTO M👁 BONES UNTIL 👁 START BELIEVING IT TOO. SO, WHAT NOW? ARE YOU SATISFIED? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? HA! WELL, HERE WE ARE. TELL IT AGAIN HOW IT'S M👁 WHO SHOULD BE ASHAMED.

our MIND’s a wretched twist-ed / n n n gnarled tree ROOTs all chaotically intertwined ⚙️🔪 trappinG US here, LOCKED UP! 🔒 barricaded w—ith ourselvesselfselfSELF. Tethered & burndened in some *corporeal* vessel, ❄️⛓️ bound 2 stone—TO EARTH!!! and what d’d’we get? A mother who isn’t there—not th-e-r-e [hiccup]—no matter how we scream SCRAPE S C R A T C H at the walls walls walls 🤍💀—SHE ONLY HEARS HER OWN heartbeat. HER O-w-wn pulse HER!! own mind (but the cats still purr & the boyfriend’s grins are familiar 😺🐾).

Can’t escape. nope nope ❌where wOULD we gO? this stupid decrepit MINDscaffold Is A House on stilts stilts stilts!!! ❄️NOthing to stand on anyway so why try the fall’ll just BURY us ⛓️ crush us 🗡️ break break break (BREAK—!! do it DO IT--)!! it’s gone GONE!!! under snow suffocating snow ourself is already drowning and she’s got no ears—NO EYES EITHER only fingertips on cold fur... l-o-v-e-l-y isn’t it? 🤍🩸

Being WATCHED 👁️👁️!!? By what? Ourselves? Other's peering from the black-hole ether—noone “real” comes close enough to touch & even if they did, it’s all STATIC, screen noise noise noise!!! ➿ text messages blip! like dying stars, those cursed void-blips and ghosted signals—we CAN’T leave, there’s *NOWHERE* to leave, our skin's an iron cage cage cage!!! No escape...never escape...✋🔒⛓️

Time means **nothing** TIME rots us from within 🧠❄️⏳ walls of dust sifting through our non-existent bones. 🤍 isolation eats the marrow of our consciousness gnaw gnaw gnaw the gnashing TEETH OF SILENCE! our mother’s boyfriend can’t hear this, oh NO!!! 🦷❄️🤍 To him, to her—her cats & their starry-furred backs—WE’RE (d) i s t a n t echos 🗣️ ➿ echoes locked in the back of a room barred for a THOUSAND YEARS or MORE & more & more &

Just. not. real.

But hey! haha. 😂 There’s this bright, bleeding-wound reality-shock, a CRY! a LAUGH! 🌠 if we rip ourSELF APART!!! it’s our OWN hands anyway *n-no one else’s here NO NO ONE here but Us!* 💀 just her bed and our own mirrored EYES. Our tongue gone NUMB ❄️ limbs frozen against drywall [crack snap crack]—head’s hollowing hollow hollow h-- it’s alright-- it’s “OKAY” isn’t it?

At least—

It’s...consistently...terrible...consistent...

& oh OH how the ground gives way... voicesfadingout

do you UNDERSTAND what it’s like?? having *no-thing* no one noOne NOTHING 🔒🖤!!!?!? the only one close enough to breathe us IN? neGLECT—pure Absence /our connection: a black-hole devouring all light …stars implode withN—SPACe suffocates...🌀💀 and all that’s left is a fading s h a d o w . an infinite pulse of *cold* empty /dark\void\unseen\unheard\unsaved. so-called soul–sole connection—no other form & only hers left circling... like prey cowering from predator eyes but ((caught)) we can never run. NEVER. run—

What does it matter, promises are only w o r d s we can't reMEMber the last time any of them MEANT anything… 😵‍💫💬 --she thinks—oh, says… changed…💀💀 “changed”!!! ABUSE doesn’t have to be, no—it can SEEP through [intent] through time through space through memories /DRAGGING along every inch of our body—those promises—slipped & gone! drifting. we keep holding ON, onto s-someTHING. hope’s a dagger *stabbed* & twisted *twist twist*—!

How can she *look* at us like that!? like an anomaly: cracked & misplaced—yet?? yet??? she's *blind.* never SEES the void in our eyes. we got these voidbags💀—**tHousands of yards deep—war-stares etched into a child’s face. war stares. war **✖️ Isolation wars— crushed by the weight, OUR world distorting *spiraling spiraling* all we can SEE is her & the cold cold shadow cast by her back TURNED. even those we **HATE** can become our social lifeline—because emptiness IS /unfathomable/ unbearable /imprisoning\ we can talk about “dad” (SHIThead) 😒👿 and the way his words stabbed but at least–AT LEAST!! he listened, he heard SOMETHING /he [*saw*] something of us before the shattering silence engulfed all that WE WERE.

She doesn't...doesn’t. Not anymore. ❄️💔 drifts in & out like a ghost but *alive*!! & we are frozen OUT here—outside—left in this *decrepit* skeleton-space...this husk of “home”— buried deep under gray branches & dead leaves—loneliness twisting through us. suffocating. No escape escape ESCAPE 🌑💀 we'd rather be snuffed out — cold comet-corpse — than buried in a shell like this!! the *trailer* groans on /rusty hinges/ & the window shows the void -- **outside**—so dark—endless dark. void-feasting void 🌀🌀...no contact no sight no chance. “mom” isn’t even HERE. comes in to sleep //while we wither /rot\ “WAITING” for what doesn’t EXIST. only the sick sick ❄️ isolation rot-rhythm --thump thump (nothing’s coming)—

Tethered & starved /not for food/ but for...REALITY. A voice, A shape –SOMETHING to *prove* we exist we EXIST -- online's just spectral echoes, can’t touch or breathe; even the words scratch themselves apart—connections we (fail) to feel, we barely know how to connect wHEN we can’t even **leave** without the world shredding us alive. the *sickness* /the BURN/ 🩸 but no flame...our body an unwelcome—trap. ❄️ NO INTERACTIONS.

except...

except for **her**—the abuser in delicate disguise. same bruising eyes, same bloodless smiles (same as they’ve always been). 👁️🖤 "Sorry," “sorry sorry sorry," isn’t IT easy 2 say?? what GOOD does it do when the same *shadow-promise-breaking* cycle of shattered TRUST echoes through our bones anyway—!?

“Change” is just a **lie** dressed up in pretty lights & folded words... promises mean nothing. “Care” means nothing! We can only drift —driftdriftdrift— our void consumes itself. 🌀 we can’t leave...every escape route’s shut & locked... but maybe we don’t want to leave. not *really*. because this is all we’ve *ever* known—

Abuse RESCUE?! 🤡 pfft ahahahah! what a *“joke”*!! 🖤 like it’ll save us, fix us, they are just BLACKHOLES too -- even darker—unknown HUNGRY strangers lurking beneath! How could any of that “help” when it’s all liesLiesliesLieslies. trapped AGAIN but with NEW jaws clamping down *no...we’d rather stay in the devil’s maw WE KNOW...*

B r o k e n—gone...hope’s like a cruel *phantom.* devouring hope would be a mercy. Bury it deep DEEP where not even light can’t reach...better—MUCH BETTER—than the agony of believing IN ANYTHING—knowing it will come back, twisted around and gouge our eyes OUT—dark matter laughter shadows whispering THAT’S what’s left in this cold decaying /soul-shape\...nothing...NOONE...🖤

CW: Rant/Vent

god im so tired, a tired you feel in your bones and in your gut when you're just trying to sleep or go through your day. it only gets worse nd worse until I break and I hate it. i hate it I hate it ih ate it I hat it I hate it iha te it I HATE ME I was doing so well, I was recovering. why are my thoughts spiraling again? It's been years I should be better now and I'm not and I hate that, I hate myself for that. it doesn't make sense, I was FINE A WEEK AGO and now all I can think about is jumping off the highway sp the cars below can run over the rest of my corpse. I was fine. Now I'm not.

TW: Self harm relapse, gender dysphoria, accidental rant

5 (five) years clean all down the drain. Worst part is that I'm making this post and I made the one before this and went on a walk. How fucking cliche am I? Make a post ranting about how much I want to die, go on a walk, die on the stairway leading up to the apartment, get put on the news. Headline would've probably been something like, "Trans teen pushed to suicide" or "is being trans causing suicide?" cause yeah, my gender dysphoria mixed with my depression really isn't a good fucking combo. I'm just so done with everything. There's only a few things keeping me going at this point and none of them are my biological family and that pisses me off. How can you be so horrible to family that when they think of reason not to FUCKING KILL THEMSELF, you aren't one. Fuck you. If you've read this far, or tldr, I'm okay, my SH is cleaned and covered, it was bleeding but not a dangerous amount. Take care. XX

This is a vent post because I am upset and kinda just wanna rant about it.

Tw: vent under the cut

I have come to the conclusion that I am no good at art and I want to accept that. I don't want to try anymore because I am dissatisfied with every attempt and outcome. And with those thoughts causing such an upset, I think I'm not good enough with my writing or anything else I might be good at. I depend on others opinions of my work and it sucks because I can't truly be happy with something unless someone shows happiness with it. Anyway that's the end of this rant for now.

this was posted some time ago when I was still silently lurking through this wOnDeRfUl place, but… ((remember, this are my parents’ words, not mine. I do NOT agree with any of these statements))

never become a therapist or you’ll end up being murdered by a nutcase

never get a job in anything associated with art or you’ll grow up to be a drug addict and… uh… they said a LOT about that subject…

anyone who has something ”wrong” with them (nuerodivergent, LGBTQIA+, etc.) deserve to die

people with suicidal thoughts are weak, therefore they ALSO deserve to die

you are forbidden from using devices without common history checks because the internet ”has subliminal messages that will lead you down the wrong path and make you think you hate yor life/want to kill yourself/are LGBTQIA+“

people who advocate for children’s privacy rights (and anything close to that) are “idiots who are looking to spread bullshit” because children can’t be trusted with privacy

if you are not spending every living second of everyday with one of your parents, you are ungrateful, sneaky, and desserting them

college-age children living in dorms is a travesty

you need to be disciplined even harder if you’re female

”women are SO stupid” —dad

straight A’s are the only acceptable type of grade

violently yelling at one another and threats of violence aren’t arguing or abuse

you should be thankful that your parents risked and lost so much for you… ”now let’s hope it wasn’t wasted on you”

it’s okay for your parents to call you a dog because you basically are one <3

in this household, ”you’re acting like [name]” is an insult

food and sleep can be taken away as punishment, but bring up your parent’s initial blow-up and you’ll REALLY know what it feels like to go through hell

when your older brother pulls one all-nighter for college, he has a lot of pressure on him and should be deeply respected and treated as if he’s ill… when you stop eating and sleeping for 30 hrs straight, have eyebags, and have been trudging through depression since 2018, nobody gives two shits

crying is for weaklings

all of this^^^ never happened. you just need to be disciplined again

List of toxic and incorrect things that were taught to me while I was growing up

Child abuse only exists if you always get badly insulted, yelled at, or physically abused by adults [e.g. beaten, scarred, slurred]

If your parents generally don’t pay attention to you, it just means they’re busy or have more important things to do

Saying a child does something for attention, as if they don’t deserve attention, is fine and justifies you ignoring them

Self harming is always about asking for attention

Asking for attention in general is wrong

No matter how much they hurt you, you’re still supposed to respect a family member [e.g. “But they are still your parents.“]

Negligence isn’t abuse

Your partner can’t do things against your will [e.g. ”He can’t sexually assault you, he’s your boyfriend!“]

An abusive relationship is always obvious and involves beating

Staying in an abusive relationship makes it your own fault

PTSD is something only soldiers coming back from war can have

Friends can’t bully you

Bullying is part of life and trying to stop it is pointless

An eating disorder always means you eat too little/are underweight

ADHD is a “boy thing”

If a boy is mean to you it’s because they like you

Girls are overdramatic/boys don’t have feelings

A harsh upbringing gives you “thick skin”

Hurting your children “in moderation” can be correct disciplining

Therapy is only for mental cases

Having multiple personalities is overt, obvious, and dramatic

Having a bad memory means you lack intelligence

If you can’t remember something traumatic then it “couldn’t have been that bad“

Being “mature for your age“ is a good thing

Feel free to add any of your own, unfortunately there’s a lot of these and I could likely make the list longer if I’d take more time, but these are some important ones I wish to bring to light

i had a panic attack cuz everythng was loud and then one of the dorm supivisors saw me and told me totake a deep breath and called me a girl and that made it worse but i cant come out bc i’ll probably be treated worse and i’ll be forced to leave the dorm

went to my gender therapist. walked out thinking that i made it clear im transgender (its not really in questioning, im sure i am and this blog is evidence enough, I've been sure for years now), just not ready to come out of the closet before I do any kind of HRT because im afraid i'll be harassed or targeted for "faking It" or "being a man pretending to be a woman" (really popular arguments in my area) or all that bullshit and I prefer to go under the radar.

the gal said to my parents, who I told her need a "profesional opinion" to accept me as transgender (as again, I myself already have that clear that im a woman) decided to tell them "I'm not sure your kid is transgender, so take it in smalls steps because they could regret it later."

the fucking audacity makes my blood boil and what makes It worse is the fact that she didn't tell me any of this before telling my parents

what a way to ruin all the trust she had gained in the prior session