To Love Him Is To Hurt.

To love him is to hurt.

The way I ache for him is unbearable and goes through time and space.

Am I still in love with him or do I just love him now?

I don't know...

It still hurts to think of what we had and how it all ended.

But I still for sure love him, as a person, as a friend, as someone who I trust.

But am I still in love with him??

I don't know, I don't think so. Not like I was.

I am a little bit in love with everyone who I ever was in love with.

They stay a part of me, but I think that's all. I think I'm not in love with him anymore.

I want things to be normal between us again. To be friends, joke around, tell secrets, drink and laugh and cry and cuddle.

Just that.

I really really want him back, as a friend.

He had a wild night and slept with someone. I shouldn't feel bad, because we are in an open relationship, and I'm not angry or jealous, but...

But like, I want to be enough for him.

Honestly, even when if he leaves me I'm still so grateful to have met him.

Like, he showed me new music, motivated me to start being creative again, helped me accept my scars, went to concerts with me and showed me what I can have.

I was so down when I met him, and I'm really doing better now. Thanks to his influence.

So even if he leaves me, I'll still have a friend and a life.

I miss him.

But not because I still love him, but because I could trust him. Because he made me feel safe.

He is the first and only person I ever told everything to.

And today when I had flashbacks and a panic attack, all I wanted was him to hold me.

Because to me he means safety and trust.

Still.

Even if he is not here anymore.

I can't so this anymore.

I just want it all to end.

Why does existing hurt so much? Why do I always lose?

I am trying my best but still nothing comes of it.

Nothing ever does.