I Can't So This Anymore.

I can't so this anymore.

I just want it all to end.

Why does existing hurt so much? Why do I always lose?

I am trying my best but still nothing comes of it.

Nothing ever does.

I'm still lost in the way his arms made me feel safe.

I wish he would hold me like that again and not let go this time.

Remembering doesn't bring comfort, it only brings confusion.

I'm falling in love with the way it hurts again.

I don't know if I ever am going to get better again.

So much fucked up shit happend to me and I just

CAN'T.

STOP.

REMEMBERING.

I am trying to start living again and it just doesn't work.

I was once a star.

He made me burn.

Now I wanna burn down his house <3

Not actually.

I want to keep on burning.

Am I still in love with him or do I just love him now?

I don't know...

It still hurts to think of what we had and how it all ended.

But I still for sure love him, as a person, as a friend, as someone who I trust.

But am I still in love with him??

I don't know, I don't think so. Not like I was.

I am a little bit in love with everyone who I ever was in love with.

They stay a part of me, but I think that's all. I think I'm not in love with him anymore.

I want things to be normal between us again. To be friends, joke around, tell secrets, drink and laugh and cry and cuddle.

Just that.

I really really want him back, as a friend.

I miss him.

But not because I still love him, but because I could trust him. Because he made me feel safe.

He is the first and only person I ever told everything to.

And today when I had flashbacks and a panic attack, all I wanted was him to hold me.

Because to me he means safety and trust.

Still.

Even if he is not here anymore.