Aspd Thoughts - Tumblr Posts

God I feel empty.......

One day my hateful heart will find rest. The child in me will find love and safety and the adult that i am will find hope.

But until then I will struggle and fight for my place.

Welcome to my Ted Talk about AsPD, or Antisocial Personality Disorder, which the internet likes to coin as sociopath 👌🏻 if you don’t like long infodumps about stigmatized mental disorders from someone who is diagnosed, move on.

Quick toxic rundown: People with AsPD are generally characterized as emotionless, violent, manipulative abusers who kill animals and like to make other people their bitches. The biggest pet peeve we have is the emotionless, sadistic and abusive generalization.

Personally, we are highly neurotic, with highs and lows of: depression, frantic drive, self abuse tactics, chronic fear, lapses of rejection, overwhelming over-analyzation, grey area thinking, false goods and false bads, ultimatums, obsessive compulsive behavior, harsh self demands, and irritability.

AsPD is a disorder that is caused primarily (according to current research) by trauma and abuse in childhood; most notably being emotional neglect and absent caregivers that cause a child to have emotional shutdowns and repression episodes in an attempt to self soothe. Primary caregivers who do not bond with their children are also a factor. Children learn how to behave from those around them. If a primary caregiver is emotionally distant and unavailable, children will learn that is normal behavior and that’s how people are. If a primary caregiver does not provide empathy and sympathy during moments of distress and fear, children will learn that aloofness and disregard of others feelings is normal behavior. If a primary caregiver does not keep a child safe, children will learn that they should not prioritize their own safety or the safety of others. You can find my follow up post regarding this here.

Neglected and abused children often act out trying to get attention and help, often acting out in bad ways because they lack the ability to articulate what they’re feeling and what is happening to them. The pipeline for AsPD typically is: Oppositional Defiance Disorder as a child, Conduct Disorder as a teen, AsPD as an adult. There are a lot of warning signs cueing that AsPD is becoming a risk for development, but often kids do not have a support system to help negate it as it’s their support system that is usually a factor in its creation.

Being AsPD is like being an emotional La Croix 70% of the time. If you’re depressed, then it’s like someone in the other room has depression and is telling you about it. The other 30% of the time, if you’re depressed, your brain doesn’t understand how to handle it so it’s an ultimatum between doing something drastic to remove the Trigger or ignoring and dissociating for days on end.

People with AsPD are very good at ignoring things. Honestly it’s problematic as fuck but it’s not hard to ignore major issues when you just, don’t care. It’s not in the terms of being cruel or making ourselves not care, but the fact that finding the emotional willpower is so far out of our feasible reach we don’t do it. This causes us to piss people off because we don’t have the capacity to care as much as they want us to, even if we can and do to an extent.

Think of it this way: empathy/sympathy is a deep tub of water that everyone has. They can easily fill their measuring cup for the needed amount of empathy without any issues and it’s easy for them. People with AsPD don’t have a tub of water. We have shallow skillet. When we try to dip our cup to fill it, we can’t, it always comes up short and it is difficult to get any water in it as there is no room for the cup to dive. Our ability to care is limited because we do not have the same emotional resources everyone else does.

❌ False Positives & False Negatives ❌

I operate on what I’ve learned are called false positives and false negatives. These are things that are trained into the brain from an early age based off of childhood trauma and other factors. False positives are a distorted version of why we do something to help ourself and for our own good, meanwhile a false negative is something we do because it’s a threat, or based out of fear.

❌ Some of my false positives:

- It is good to be afraid of nothing

- It is good to adapt to someone’s personality if they are stronger than you

- It is good to isolate yourself

- It is good to be a silver tongue because you can get into any place you want

- It is good to become a social chameleon and shape yourself to whatever those around you need/want most, because then you have no chance of being abandoned

❌ Some of my false negatives, which can explain the false positives as well as core beliefs:

- it is bad to be afraid, if I am afraid then I am vulnerable and it can be used against me

- It is bad to be emotional or show concern for others emotions because they do not care for mine

- It is bad to be able to be exploited, because I believe it is everywhere

- It is bad to allow myself to be bored, because boredom begets bad thoughts and no one can or wants to help me when I spiral

- It is bad to not shape yourself to the social circle, because people quickly grow tired of those who do not match them perfectly and being discarded means I failed

My core beliefs can be viewed as the root for the false positives and negatives, because they are based on the core of trauma, abuse and neglect. They come from patterns and instances that make someone with AsPD become the opposite of what they experienced:

- eat or be eaten

- If I don’t show that my bite is worse than my bark, I will be taken advantage of and I must remain on top because the ones on top are safe

- I must look out for myself because nobody will do it for me

- It doesn’t matter what happens to me, therefore it doesn’t matter what people think of me

- If I cannot do something well, then I should not do it at all

- If you are dependent on others for emotional and mental well being, you are weak, therefore I must isolate myself to avoid becoming codependent and a burden and useless

- If I can handle the stress of a situation better than everyone else, therefore I will keep the problem (financial, emotional, mental, etc) to myself to reduce chances of being abandoned due to failure of perfection

People with AsPD are hard to get along with. We often:

- are always anticipating a fight

- lack respect for authority

- ignore social structures to an extent

- tendency to lie if it’ll lessen punishment or if we feel the lie is more acceptable than our actions

- limit social support because it’s wrong to be dependent on others

- have an inflated view of our own importance — which turns into a self ridicule for believing someome like me could be found important to others —

- can be rude and inconsiderate of others feelings somewhat unintentionally

- are unable to read the correct social cues in relation to empathy towards people and animals

- am constantly confused by others dependence upon empathy and inability to make desicions from logic based standpoints

We can’t speak for everyone who has AsPD, nor are we saying that no one with AsPD is capable of being a murderer/abuser etc. but we are saying that y’all need to stop automatically classifying someone as a certain “type” as soon as you know about their disorder.

One last thing I do want to point out is that it is not uncommon for people with AsPD to derive some sort of enjoyment in causing harm, doing something illegal, hurting someone or animals, etc. This entirely stems from lack of environmental control as a child. Being able to control what happens to others or being able to control the things you say or do that hurts someone else is a hefty high to get addicted to; it soothes the underlying itch of not being able to control your own trauma and abuse, so in turn you push these behaviors onto others and enjoy it because it gives you a sense of power and control. Some people with AsPD do genuinely love hurting others, and some enjoy hurting others when they believe it’s deserved or their ire has been stoked. Some enjoy causing pain to those they think deserve it, and others don’t care who they hurt as long as they feel like they’re in control of the situation.

Hope this have some insight into AsPD 🤙🏻 if y’all have any questions, shoot.

My default state is apathy. When I get under-stimulated, I will do anything to feel anything.

Best case scenario is having a personally interesting conversation to feel intrigued. Worst case scenario is deliberately putting myself in a dangerous situation to feel angry or amused.

Understanding that now makes me so frustrated with the adults, who I asked to entertain me, who I told I was bored, and who dismissed me.

I hurt myself and others because the adults in my life couldn’t be bothered to entertain a young kid. It’s my duty to accept responsibility (and more so the older I get) but I wasn’t given a chance.

I'm in one of my moods again.

Everything is fucking annoying, some posts I see on here piss me off a lil...

Everything is annoying me rn

I've always known I don't like talking to other people outside of my family (even them too)

Someone that lives in the same area as me my mom and sister was talking with us a lot today n took a lot of interest in me for some unforsaken reason..

I don't like it truthfully I don't, let me be invisible please don't acknowledge me leave me alone.

Their are reasons I keep to myself n have no friends irl but online friends I wouldn't mind because it's stressful but less stressful at the same time.

My little sister is a bit h a stupid one at that

She's so fucking annoying she ain't sh t she tries to act like me be like me and it infuriates me she can fuk off

Trying to act like a fighter or violent person pssh fucking hilarious she's a pussy if she actually got into a fight she'd piss herself scared

I've fought since I was a child my mom literally had to put a lock on her bedroom door (not proud /just for reference)

I've fought a grown ass man when I was just a teen and won the fight granted I spent

a whole whopping month in juvenile jail but whatever (my fault)

I'd at this point i'd love to fight her and put her in her rightful place (bloody n on the ground)

I've done it with one sister I'll do it again

If she doesn't stop disrespecting our mother and being a cvnt I will definitely do so gladly

no nuance version of a fandom take i hav bc i honestly don't hav the energy 2 explain this in depth rn but if u think Jax is an inherently bad person just bc he's being an asshole in a video game but that gangle who has real person anime figurines of her friends who don't know that she has those is an inherently good person bc she's a shy uwu bean then u actually need 2 shut up, Jax is a guy who very clearly displays multiple ASPD symptoms and is dealing with his chronic boredom by being violent 2 npcs in a video game and also just kinda passively a bit of an asshole verbally Gangle social anxiety-ed her way into being an actual stalker they are not the same

anyway as some1 who has ASPD it rly fucks me up how the fandom has reacted 2 Jax, like when it was the pilot y'all were more than happy 2 fetishise his ASPD symptoms but then as soon as his symptoms r showing slightly more when again, i cannot stress this enough, HE IS LITERALLY IN A VR GAME IN EPISODE 2! then y'all r like "omg he's terrible, what an inherently horrible person, he literally is the worst person here" actually shut up, i hate this fandom so much

something that has helped me disconnect from codependancy is realizing that married couples arent always together. they live together and spent time together but a lot of the time they just arent together but they still love eachother. they dont need to sleep in the same bed they dont need to constantly show eachother affection they can just coexist and still love eachother unconditionally. love isnt sacrificing every moment for someone, its having your life made better by their existence while you live

Another thing is that people tend to accept the label of ASPD, but not the behaviour.

Do you fear being called ableist? Do you find it easier to accept a word rather than the person?

I understand completely that an antisocial person isn’t easy to swallow. We can be very harsh, blunt, mean, uncaring, yada yada, but I can assure you that we’d much prefer you just say you don’t like pwASPD rather than pretending you accept it but turn around and hate on people who exhibit antisocial behaviour.

And I’m talking about people who are in and out of treatment. Don’t exclude people who aren’t being treated from your ASPD positivity. Even if you aren’t on the road to recovery, you deserve support.

People who don’t care about others. People who don’t care about others suffering. People who only look out for themselves. People who have different morals and opinions. People who don’t care about political issues because it doesn’t effect them. People who are argumentative. People who have a bad temper. People who are brutally honest. People who view relationships as transactional. People who view the world as a warzone.

If you’re going to accept people with ASPD, accept people with ASPD. Don’t hide behind this faux layer of positivity when you immediately make fun of, ostracize and hate on people who actually show with these behavioural issues.