Boys Will Be Boys - Tumblr Posts
This is what boys will be boys should mean: entirely wholesome nonsense that only straight guy brains could possibly think up.
Lads
Chris couldn’t tell so he snapped a selfie.
Brad replied, “Well. That’s the right arm right? So you must be driving. You look like a woodchuck Chris.”
Chris: “Yeah you like that?”
Brad: “How much wood, would a woodchuck chuck?”
Chris: “A lot of wood.”
Brad: “Like how much wood?”
Brad: “How much wood Chris?”
Brad: “Wood.”
(Two minutes of garble from Chris’ phone)
Brad: “Chris?”
Jim on Chris’ Phone: “Hi Brad? This is Jim. I’m a medic at Ceaders. Chris has been in an accident.”
Brad: “Was he driving?”
Jim on Chris’ Phone: “Chris was in the passenger seat. No one was behind the wheel. We’re trying to figure that out.
Brad: “Us too. Hey can you put Chris on the phone? I need to finish off this wood business.”
Turns out woodchucks really DO chuck A LOT of wood. Well, that made Chris happy. “Come on Brad!”
Gosh. That was a good idea.
Fine. Whatever. Brad could play skins. Chris would play shirts but GOOD LUCK with getting him to wear PANTS!!!
Bruh.
Brad put on his outfit for the next cam show. Brad: “Is this gay?!” Chris: “Maybe the cutout units. Really, it’s the cocky boy in it. Pretty ballsy. The prick of body hair more unnatural than anything.” Brad: “A bunch of malarkey. Your eyes NEVER left my crotch. Chris. CHRIS?!? Look AWAY from my balls. OMG. Ur sic Chris. SIC!!! Chris: “Wha??….Yeah. Good idea. I WILL take a picture. (Click Click) Hold on. Let’s make it 2. It will last TWICE as long. (Click. Click.) Oh… I know. Let’s do a warm up video. Ok. Yep. HERE we go. WOW. Just look at that bulge. Now, shake it a little. Want 2 c what happens…”
Brad and Chris were SOOOO over the reflective lighting. 8 PA’s holding those silvery things seemed excessive.
Chris said even Slim Shady didn’t stand a chance here. Brad had two M&M’s melt in his hand. That’s when Brad asked Chris if M&M’s came in black and white.
The director, Shirley, cut in immediately. “Brad. They DON’T. Why don’t u go wash your hands OK?”
(Talking to herself) GOOD LORD.
“Ok. Take five people. Brad’s washing his hands…. With soap. You hear me Brad?!? One solid minute WITH SOAP. Will someone ensure he gets Siri on the timer…. Please.”
Shirley would ask for a raise that afternoon.
Brad said if Chris wished hard enough and long enough in a soft clean patch of grass, a leaf blower might appear. It could be at any moment or more specifically whenever Luke gave the signal he figured out the HD upgrade on his phone.
Until then, Brad needed to confirm that if Chris was Lief then that made him the LB right? Chris also wanted to know if anyone else had Joan Baez stuck in their head. He couldn’t shake it.
That’s when Chris offered to shake it if Brad needed a distraction. Before Brad could respond, Luke interrupted with a stern ‘Abso-f-ing-lutely’. He just needed two more seconds… and ‘Action!’
Then, just like magic, the garden fairy appeared.
Chris looked in the mirror. Gosh. He needed to front more.
Maybe what he needed was no fly. Maybe he needed a neoprene ring. Maybe it needed to be latex instead. You know what, now he was thinking about it, maybe it was Maybelline after all. If we could just get a final answer there, we could all move on.
With that jingle still lingering in his ear, Chris decided he would check in with their Euro pal, Gustavio to gain some clarity around the otherwise questionable brand of makeup. As Maybelline’s first male Cover Girl, that smoking charmer could easily do an inside job.
Chris paused to think.
That dreamboat Gustavio was a really good in, like a really good in. Now that he was really thinking, Gustavio got in Chris and Brad every time they saw him. Like every time. Was there anyone that man didn’t do twice?
Chris and his bf were always the first to tell anyone it really was that good with Gustavio. The first time was truly biblical, but the second… Well, let’s just say you stop waiting for Jesus after that second coming!
After a smiled chuckle followed by a low and long ‘hmmmmmm,’ Chris caught himself in the mirror once again. He was fronting BIG time.
“Sweet!" His boyfriend Brad would be all over this. The awesome part was that he was gay just like Chris so such gifts never went to waste.
Where was that man anyway? They needed to be gay together for this inside job w/Gustavio…
Chris paused to take another hard look in the mirror. You know, these affirmation sessions were really cranking out some good sh*t.
Brad, Chris, Sebastian, and Luke got their plant-based swimmers wholesale from Speedo's plant print plant. It's near that mall you pass on the way to Laguna Beach. You know, the one where they filmed 'Back to the Future'.
We're surprised it's still there. Not Speedo's plant print plant, but rather the mall. Boys will always be in need of cheap showcase swimwear direct from the manufacturer for the beach.
Ugh. There's that word again. 'Manufacturer'. Seriously, can anyone say it in a remotely sexy way? It's easier to sing than it is to speak.
Ahem.
🎶'MAN-UUUUUUU-FACT- ERERRRRRRRRR!!!'🎶
See?
😁
Chris spotted gold. It would be solid in about 20 seconds as his bf Brad was wearing the exact same design but in a thong and on his first set of squats.
Well, that was that then. Brad had himself a New Years Resolution. His resolution was to not have a resolution for the year that was new in the moment where he was. That was on the beach in Santa Monica at the end of 2023.
While he was there staring into 2024, he was also giving up lent for lent, and trading in Columbus Day for an Akron knight. He would just need to convince Elton John to take a holiday to Ohio in October. It was a good thing leaves died pretty. He could use that to his advantage.
If that didn’t work out, Brad would try a different time of day. Akron Dawn for example could score an obvious sponsorship assuming people in Ohio did their dishes upon waking up. It sounded like something people in sensibly sized Midwest cities might do.
The notion never crossed his mind in Brad’s 22 years living in Los Angeles. Why would anyone born and bred in Southern California ground themselves where it could crack open and swallow you whole at any second? Midwestern sensibility just didn’t stack up here.
Akron was in Ohio right? Brad could never be sure even with a smart phone in his hand. Miss Information was everywhere and there were no places to hide. How would you know where to go anyway?
All the cities in Ohio looked exactly the same to Brad. You could be in Toledo or Cincinnati, and it wouldn’t make a lick of difference even if you were at the local library checking out books. As long as ‘Ohio’ was somewhere on your library card or drivers license, you were golden.
At least that’s what Brad imagined. The locals likely didn’t feel the same way.
On the eve of a change in one of many calendars used across the globe, Brad took a minute reflect upon what had yet to happen by asking questions in the present tense.
Did all the oceans in California look the same to people from Ohio? Those from the two bucks an eye state (post inflation), were human beings dealing with a relative relative spendy reality. That part was clear. The rest of it got fuzzy as he didn’t know anyone from Ohio he could ask.
Brad wasn’t sure how many oceans he was looking at in the first place. They all kinda mixed together with few if any official boundaries. To call the water in front of him by one name took it from Will Rogers in Cali all the way to Bondi in Australia, but it was hardly the same water. The whole thing read as a gross over generalization as everything Pacific.
Each day it was less and less surprising to Brad that more than 90% of the sea floor failed to be mapped. We as a species held not a clue as to what was down there yet some of us were already taking tours of outer space which was technically nothing itself. Was that not why we called it space?
Whatever.
Brad didn’t want to put too much into space tourism or an overrated holiday like NYE, or even Christmas for that matter…
Brad stopped himself there. If he took that thought any further he could start getting answers. That could take him into resolution territory where he resolved to not go yet already was.
The annual practice never played out well for Brad despite being out himself. While others made money Brad beat himself up. By the President’s Day circuit party he was always in a downward spiral. If Brad ever OD’d it would likely be there smack dab in the depths of the Southern California rainy season swallowed whole by the first round of judgement preliminaries for White Party in Palm Springs.
Seeing where he was, Brad pulled himself off the bitter party of one path to that of personal responsibility. No one besides himself stuck around any NYE resolution to ensure he followed through. It may be paid for but did it matter where the money came from? While the commitment was squarely his, it often turned out the enthusiasm was not.
Brad paused to fix the back of his swimmers. They began riding his youthful 22 year old butt muscles while doing all this thinking. Did he really workout every day just so his clothes could malfunction?
Maybe. He could def take the notion somewhere sexy. Too bad there wasn’t a pen and paper around. Was this why people wrote their name in the sand? That whole notion read downright silly standing so close to the world’s biggest eraser.
When all was said and done, the greatest part about having a perky butt wasn’t sex or attention. It was having a place to set things down where no pockets were available. Brad always offered the space to others where he could think enough to do so. Ironically, the last thing he wanted to be was an ass.
The notion spurred another thought. Brad would ask Chris to look for a date on his butt when he came back from the concession stand with lunch. All this male beauty comes with a shelf life apparently so his boyfriend should probably know when to stop eating it. To that, and out of respect for himself, he should probably check Chris’ butt too. Brad needed some action and the whole notion just brought forth was good enough to jumpstart a very fun afternoon.
These things only needed to be paper thin with two men in the equation. An impromptu hamster inspection of the men’s locker room at the local gay watering hole instigated a wild three way with Brad and Chris’s neighbor Luke just a few hours earlier. Unsurprisingly, not a single hamster turned up at the gym, but the whole debacle did put a new spin on wood shavings.
A rouge wave reached high enough to grab Brad’s attention and bring him back to the present tense. Brad looked at his phone but he didn’t have any gauge as to when he and his thinking drifted off. Well, at least he came around this time with his swimmers still on. He lost two pair just in the last 24 hours.
Now where was Chris with the food? Brad was craving curly fries and a big fat dill pickle.
Small Town Grocery Store Stories: LGBTQ+ friendly edition
Me: minding my own damn business in the grocery store
One of my students and a few of his teammates enter the dairy aisle.
My student is holding hands with one of his teammates.
My student: Oh hey, Professor X!
Me, who has both my student and his girlfriend in my class: …Hello
My student, looking at his hand-holding partner: Oh! Don’t worry. My girlfriend knows. Not that I’m cheating! I’m not cheating. I’m not gay.
Hand Holding boy: Not that being gay is a bad thing! It’s a good thing!
My student: Right! But no, listen. We aren’t together, we just hold hands in public sometimes.
Hand Holding Boy: Especially on Friday nights. And weekends. And at away games.
My student: Because sometimes people will say shit and then we can punch them! And if the fight started because someone was being homophobic, coach won’t get mad at us.
Hand Holding Boy: Always nice to punch a homophobe. And [gesturing to another boy in the group] maybe they’ll think twice about saying something to [other boy’s name] if he ever gets a boyfriend and wants to hold his hand for real. The Gay One, resigned but smiling: I’ve decided it’s sweet and not really fucking weird.
Me, seeing a lad dragging something along the floor in town in a plastic packet on a dog leash : what's that
Me getting closer to see the dog leash is attached to a dog collar around a fish : OH
him to his friends : I'm telling you, it's dead vicious
group chat of boy friends platonically sharing nudes please