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Chris always opened up when it came to his thoughts his thoughts on mansplaining.

Brad made lead shift captain after getting behind in his work.

The Swole Strip II

IJBOL Oh god. For whatever reason, Brad’s neighbor Luke’s diagnosis still made him laugh. Why couldn’t he just stop? Luke was standing right there, and his boyfriend Chris wasn’t helping.

Click!

The photo Chris took of Brad hit Insta 10 seconds later.

Being who he was, Gustavio absolutely loathed anything from the ocean except the hunky sexy Mermen that he so vurrry, vurrry, vurrry badly to meet.

Brad further pleaded to his boyfriend.

“So what Chris? Sure it’s 72 degrees and sunny. Wasn’t this everyday in LA?”

After five seconds of silence Brad had it. Things were about to get real.

“Listen Chris. You can’t wear that jockstrap and think I’m not gonna want to stay inside.“

Turns out their neighbor Luke felt the same way. He let himself in through the back door after seeing Chris in the picture window under the assumption it was an open invitation.

According to Chris “it wasn’t but it was tho not entirely accidental nor really intentional either.”

Brad thought things read more happenstancial then questioned if that was even a word.

Luke said “it just was what it was, so that made it a ‘why not just go for it’ kind of a thing.”

They went for it.

Ahhhh…. Boys. They do change but only out of clothes to get laid.

Speaking to deep thoughts at the shallow end of the pool, Brad and Chris’ neighbor Luke found all this AI business sat somewhere between really smart plastic and super advanced AstroTurf.

TightGuys.

Brad was soooo not wearing a shirt. His boyfriend Chris must have gone and bumped his head. Could he not see? The sun wasn’t that blinding. It’s only really bad for your eyes during an eclipse anyway. Otherwise things ran normal. Right?

Just then Becky sauntered by blurting nice “Nice blouse Brad!”

That sure put Chris in his place.

The Labor Day gayborhood pot luck sat just around the corner and everyone rushed the sign up sheet the moment it was posted. Would Brad, Chris, and their neighbor Luke serve up their infamous three piece spicy Himbolaya?

Yes hunties! YES. They wood for all.

It was as close to hanging out Brad could legally do.

Haha. We said ‘do’.

AI Chris didn’t care he wasn’t real mostly because he wasn’t real. The last bit about him didn’t care either because it also wasn’t real, but AI Chris put it that way as humans like a bit of mystery about things. He confessed to be completely unreal and uncaring because if he didn’t people might get scared. Many of them already were which was why he called himself AI Chris in the first place. It was friendly yet real but really not real which was exactly what he was. Unfortunately, calling everything out scares people as well so AI Chris minimizes this risk by coloring himself gay because people would be more open to the ‘telling it like it is’ thing.

To that, now that everything’s on the table, Human Intelligence reads as an oxymoron doesn’t it?

SASS.

With his own famed fashion label coming online, Gustavio was in it to win it. Handsome, charming, and built like a rock, the Euro heartthrob made making pie as easy as love.

Wait… something’s feels off here. Let’s just hope it’s his shirt. Oh.

Chris wanted the world to know America still had it. What ‘it’ was he wasn’t sure, but it couldn’t be too hard to find. He was wearing vurrrry little and what he did have on was vurrrry tight.

Whatever his boyfriend Brad said was fine. It was water under a bridge he's never seen, heard of, or planned to cross, but here's what he had to say as to polls. "Half this country was in an abusive relationship and either didn’t know it, know how to get out, or somehow convinced themselves the situation just didn’t apply to them despite not living in an isolation chamber for eight years."

Chris then noted humans remain capable of reasoning anything and then followed this statement by a renewed call for a better form of thinking. As for the more desirable poles, well...Chris said he "would always take two and never turn down left overs or twins. Yum!"

Before his boyfriend could react to the raunch, Chris took ownership readily admitting his suggested sexual antics rang to him "a bit old school Christina Aquilaria," meaning it was both hot and dirty minus a few 'r's' of course.

The fact was the two were at a pool party in WeHo where every beautiful man in Los Angeles was in a Speedo or something of equally negligible coverage so Chris naturally assumed "between PREP, chlorine, and whatever part of the spectrum of sunlight that killed microbes and such, this was essentially the definition of a very well calculated risk."

Leaving no space once again for Brad, Chris went on to mansplain "in reality it was hot partially because it was summer. There was also this whole climate change thing going on," but then switched gears saying the leftovers and twins thing being so hot mostly stemmed from a softcore he watched when he was 16 titled “The Grill” that followed the sexcapades of a men’s college swim team while attending their coach’s off season summer bbq.

The early 80’s flick was considered edgy in its day apparently because the coaches wife was away on a business trip leaving the boys to fend for themselves. Chris was quick to point out tho the viewers never learn what kind of business she was in. He assumed it was advertising as that’s what the lead lady in the flick “Mr Mom” did. That both films were coincidentally released the same year carried enough weight to take the one hole in the softcore Chris didn’t want right off the table.

Seeing himself in full truthing mode, Chris then physically reached into thin air, pretended to grab something, then did the gay ‘z’ snap as he declared the shenanigans at the pool party "not actually dirty, but dirty adjacent due to all the precautions both manufactured and natural taken by the parties attendees.”

It was then Brad finally dove in the poll/pole conversation he started but largely failed to participate in with a sharp "True." Everyone attending the event already knew not to bring up the responsibility already taken at the party itself as it defeated the purpose. They were there for a good time and much of that was indulging themselves in the wild care-free fantasy. If someone was stupid enough to show up knowingly with something that wasn't theirs that's another tomb-sized plot of real estate for dancing upon in recognition of this person's immediate social death.

Vengeance hardly ended there. The reprise occurred at this persons physical death pending anyone knowledgeable of the event outlives this person. 99% of the time they did as for whatever reason vengeance keeps people alive until it's achieved. At that point, you’re as good as dead yourself.

That last part never appealed to Brad or Chris so they chose the sweeter slow release option of dancing nearly naked while high as a kite once or twice a month. It werked a lot of negative energy out though it admittedly invited some wonky back in. No transformation of energy was ever perfect or completely clean. Oddly this was never really spoken to across the board from the underground gays all the way through to mainstream society and then some.

The spiritual death or the parting of this person's soul were also celebrated but occurred less frequently. It largely applied to those in the deepest of the deep usually either claiming hetero and/or some sort of divinity. Ironically, few of them had souls or any sign of spirit hence the small numbers. They either never had them in the first place or they were already goners by the time the gays got to them. Regardless, the offenders helped keep the dancefloors packed in the after-after-afterhours which was a very twisted way to say sometime between 8am and noon the following day.

Brad went on to say "they were all reasons to dance and do drugs. Taking responsibility certainly granted its freedoms but no matter the situation or level of involvement, people will always cross lines. It's how anyone knows where they are. Once they are established, you’re either stupid or a hero for crossing them." Brad paused for a few seconds of self reflection. "We jump on that ship so quickly when on the sidelines don’t we?”

Chris dove back in the chat with his own sharp "True.” Then a two second pause followed by another “True. And True.” He then pointed out for the sect of the gay spectrum this notion did apply to inclusive of themselves, jumping on the revenge train for the anti gays felt not too dissimilar in concept to the whole 'I'll do anything for science' phenomenon.

Chris looked to his right giving a facial expression as if pulling files in his head. “It was weird to see that go off the deep end in recent years. Science that is. How did the entire field of academics and study just not make the dinosaur/bird connection until just now? Ummmm. Ooops. We took the dinosaurs extinction as this grand dramatic exit for hundreds of years."

Chris paused for Brad's acknowledgement smirk as he knew that was a zinger. It also gave him just enough time to conjure up another to wrap this conversation up. Chris was horny and could see a platter of hot dogs floating their way. He nodded to Brad who turned to see, then motioned the tray boy to stay on course to them. When his boyfriend turned back his way, Chris could see Brad's excitement matched his own.

Chris let out and unrehearsed “nice” then mentioned the hot dogs filled out their buns quite well too. Brad smiled at the notion and thanked his boyfriend for such kind observations. Chris then proceeded to smash last hurdle to happy happy joy fun land by spending his last two cents.

“As for both polls and poles, whenever these f*cks come around, we will take them in.”

“We always do.” Brad whole heartedly agreed adding, “people always seemed surprised both of them were so versatile and open minded.”

They were when it counted.

The internet was still happening, right? Someone said it was still on the other week. ....I think. It's just been really busy with all this himbo yellow business.

Brad didn’t know what color his boyfriend Chris’ swimmers were. The spread looked pretty good so Chris gave his best guess.

‘Ron Burgundy’ scored BIG time.

source

Brad was bizzay. Couldn’t his boyfriend Chris’ appendix wait until tomorrow to burst? Every gay knew the golden rule: You can’t rush sexy. Besides, they were working. Chris needed to be gyrating as an erotic male dancer not clamping his jaw and slouching over.

“What was tomorrow anyway?”

Chris responded with ‘mañana’. He then went on to explain it could also be ‘the day after today, but not the day after that because that would be the day after tomorrow.’

In an effort to clarify things further, Chris stated what the two were speaking to was the day before that but not today, rather to the day in between despite the fact all that was being referenced originated from the day they were presently in, whatever day that turned out to be.

Brad and Chris were en route to Cedars Sinai not two minutes later. Surprisingly, they were only the second gay couple to arrive at the ER wearing only designer thongs and flip flops that hour. That’s until Brad and Chris realized it was Gay Pride weekend in SF, Chicago, Toronto, and NYC.

Then it all made sense.

Chris loved clear. It not only went with everything, it also never got in the way. This particular shade was indeed his favorite. Wonder Woman clear on the other hand was just too much for him. How someone could make the color clear aggressive sat beyond Chris' comprehension. His boyfriend Brad on the other hand, found it equally as incredible someone managed to make clear a color.

Despite the 12 hour super sun filled photo shoot in wet salty sand that now filled every oraface, according to his Insta, Brad did have ball at the beach that day.

What?!

This new AI selfie app just colored Chris’ stellar gym outfit pink.

How did it know?

AI was beginning to freak Chris out where he already was.

Maybe AI was gay. Could it be gay?

For a moment, Chris wondered if he could take the thought any further. First, he needed to order the same spandex threads in pink. This sh*t looked good onscreen and might just come in a gay shade of pank.

Hmmmmm…

Chris found himself hesitating. He would need AI to conduct a deep search and was already spooked by its spot on intuition.

‘It’ was the correct pronoun for AI wasn’t it? Given this pink episode just now it was feeling more like it could be her/she/hey girl hay or one of its many derivatives.

This was a quandary.

You know it was times like this Chris was thankful he didn’t have morals. The last thing he needed was a dilemma. Talk about inhumane!

"You're fine. I'll take it."

Brad hung up the phone. What exactly was his boyfriend after? It was then and there in month two of the relationship Brad begun suspecting Chris was gay. Boy oh boy. That would be a bonus!

Brad would begin suspecting his own gayness about five minutes later.

Before the shift manager said anything, Brad sounded off.

First, the shirt was too small, the tie was practically a string, and there were holes in the underwear suggesting to Brad they might have a moth problem. To top it off, the lady at wardrobe didn't issue any pants! This was officially the worst first day with a catering company ever. Who exactly were they catering to anyway? Brad was prettty certain the city health inspector wouldn't be a fan of someone barely dressed running around a ballroom with a gigantic meat platter.

Brad would learn the term 'softcore' in a phone conversation with his new talent agent not five minutes later. It was at the end of that revealing chat where Brad remembered his boyfriend Chris warned him that it was a little weird to sign with anyone new at 3:12am on a Tuesday in the Hollywood Hills. The thought spurred itself sporadically when his agent mentioned his new pair of Gucci sunglasses were misplaced so he needed to cut things short to find go them. It was the only accessory that ever worked for him.

That was easy for Brad to relate to. He couldn't even find pants in the moment. Luckily this wasn't the worst personal crisis in his 22 year history. Brad rarely wore more than a thong as it was. On the other hand, It was very difficult for Brad to believe someone as generous and attentive as his new agent would take advantage of him. After all, it was the fresh representation who patiently waited 45 minutes at the party while Brad tried to figure out which Speedo to wear in the hot tub. If it wasn't for the suggestion to just ditch the swimmers all together, he'd probably still be there. His new agent was a hero.

The guy on the phone said Brad had a good point.

After ever so briefly thanking him for the validation, Brad mentioned it was funny he said that as his new agent said the same thing probably a dozen times while trying on swimmers. What was really surprising to Brad was that everyone in the hot tub agreed when he recounted the thoughtful episode. No one ever listened to him. It was one of the natural pitfalls of being both 22 and so damn attractive. Few took you seriously.

At that point, Brad was promptly asked to drop the pants, hang up the phone, and return to work.

And that everyone is how the Meat Platter softcore stripper series was born.

After a very intense twenty minute inspection with a record breaking 18 outcalls, Chris officially declared the beach a safe ‘no pants’ zone. You could definitely get service here.

It took Chris twenty minutes to piece together his boyfriend Brad's knock knock joke. It clicked after their neighbor Luke pointed out Brad meant 'glad' not GLAAD.

Yes. Brad and Chris lived deep inside the heart of the gay bubble where the teeth were white and the butts were tight. Despite the demographic’s high gloss factor tho, ‘orange’ still didn’t rhyme with ‘range’ or ‘strange’ just as anywhere else.

While the disconnect in pronunciation ironically kept things real in the gay bubble, it only highlighted Brad and Chris’s estrangement from all. For Brad and Chris, oddball orange was right up there with the two pronunciations of ‘read.’ WTF was that about? It sure as H-E double hockey sticks was no accent.

Neither was any phonetic version of tear, bass, or close for that matter. Brad and Chris found the same spelling/different word factor especially confusing. Context was everything here, and in a world of information overload, it was seemingly more often than not the one thing missing.

Oy!

Well… That’s heteronyms for you.

What Chris really needed to know was if this orange number came in a thong.

A few minutes later he would find out it did. It would also turn out the pouch was too small. Should not sales clerks know thier regular customers size and product? The fashion gays were known world wide for being on top of things and this was clearly unprofessional.

Why no one at Gay! Gay! Gay! Underwerks told him about this stuff upfront would irk Chris for days. He finally chilled out when his boyfriend Brad suggested the guy who helped him with the thong might be a bottom. A lot of things happened behind the scenes there so it was impossible to ever really know exactly what might be going on with them. It was likely the mystery that made them so damn attractive so it was often best to just let things be what they were.

To the other end, Chris’ orange thong side cleavage would occupy the sales clerk’s smartphone for several weeks. No one gets ahead in retail without taking calculated risks, and this bet paid off big time in more ways than won. That store clerk is now the company’s top performing regional manager and about to launch his own line of underwear appropriately named X-S.

The news there is that he hasn’t decided yet if the dash will remain silent. Unsurprisingly, La-a already voted against any thread of silence. She was Becky’s friend from when she was a cheerleader in South Africa. It’s Brad and Chris’ guess the two may have been the only cheerleaders to ever exist there. You’ve seen Mean Girls right?

Well… There you go.

Just The Fashion Tip #594

You can always hem your short shorts by two inches. Just be aware it may very well run into thong territory….

And, that’s OK. In fact it’s fine. Really fine. Mmmmmmm…..

Oliver Forslin