Queer Life - Tumblr Posts

Chris’ was getting upset. He just bought those swimmers too.

UGH! They weren’t easy to find the first time. If it weren’t for the sale sign, Chris never would have never seen them at the Speedo Plant Print Plant Factory Store.

The weirdest part was his unit was also missing. How the hell did that fall off? And, how did he not feel something like that?!?

Mystery abounded.

Chris tried to remain calm. What he needed to do was come up with a plan.

After taking two deep breaths Chris decided to give himself two more minutes of searching. If his suit or his balls didn’t show up then he’d call in his boyfriend Brad for help.

Chris then looked up at the sky, crossed his fingers, and hoped to Cher. Sure enough, Chris’ swimmers showed up less than a minute later when he stood up in the shallows and put his hands on his hips.

Ta-da!!!

Screw organic! These up and down horizontal stripes really made Brad feel skinny.

Chris was one juicy fruit

Just the Fashion Tip #482: It’s gay to be gay.

That’s funny.

Chris didn’t remember putting on a yellow Speedo this morning…

Chris wasn’t from South Africa but he was pretty sure you wanted to go there. (Wink wink)

Chris was cool with it just so long as there was one red flag. Things got messy when that became plural.

That’s when Chris asked his boyfriend Brad if he was speaking in tongues. He was pretty sure he still had one. Maybe Brad could count for him.

Just The Fashion Tip #39: Use minimum fabric for maximum vibes.

Brad knew he was pretty. No news there.

…but was he AI pretty?

He didn’t feel real real. While there, Brad didn’t know how to feel real real in the first place. Did anyone know?

In the spirit of keeping it real Brad’s boyfriend Chris answered with a stark “No.” Chris then went on to explain not a single soul had a clue as to why we were all on this tiny planet hurtling through interstellar space at ungodly speeds.

After three seconds of pouted silence, Brad demanded to know once again if he was not pretty but AI pretty.

Chris said Brad was ‘as plastic as they come’ not after pointing out plastic was as real as anything else. “You want to get real real Brad? Just look at our oceans. Even sea salt was loaded with microplastics now. Nothing out of the ocean was safe. It was pink Himalayan or bust.”

Before Chris could go any further, Brad announced that he decided he’d ask their friend Becky when she got back from the taco stand. She was straight so could hypothetically give a straight answer. It wasn’t ideal but his boyfriend’s roundabout just wasn’t cutting it.

Brad then paused to look around. “Where was Becky anyway?

Chris replied, “Really Brad? Really?!?”

That’s when Becky sauntered up from behind Chris with a basket of fresh steamy tacos. She asked the boys for the last time if they were really down for eating all this given they were both out.

It was quite a spread and the meat had the same consistency as cottage cheese but it wasn’t Taco Bell nor its knock off Taco Bueno. It was some local man from Pennsylvania who made them. His name was Hanz Bergenstein. That stuck out to Becky for some reason.

Brad and Chris were very quick to respond. They were not up or down with the taco scene. Becky thought this might be the case.

Pulling her sunglasses down to the tip of her nose so she could make eye contact with Brad and Chris, Becky mentioned it was a good thing it was a Saturday. There was no way they’d be sitting next to a group of stuntmen from the Monster Truck Show tomorrow. It was one night only and always on a Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.

No one knew why the day of the show needed to be repeated three times when it actually occurred in the evening but that’s what presented itself. The Monster Truck Show never started before 5-5:30pm so the organizers wouldn’t be inclined to extend the truck rally and inadvertently cause a mass suffocation in an unsuspecting domed stadium.

As it was, everyone would get light headed just one hour in. The show of course was without a story line and absolutely terrible, but the fumes more than made up for it. Mix in the local beer, busty girls as well as some good ol’ fashioned Red Bull, and let’s be honest. It really didn’t matter what was going on. That’s a good time despite any controversy!

To that, Becky asked Brad and Chris if 5pm was technically still daytime. Brad pointed out it was a slightly delicate yes and no situation that included the whole daylight savings mess. That seemed like a lot to him for a casual day at the pool.

Chris agreed and then threw in a memo stating that spring forward/fall back thing just needed to die already. Becky said it was one of many horrifying things that would die naturally with the Boomers as they finally made their way out to which Brad and Chris replied a nearly automated “Here. Here.”

With that, the controversy tabled itself for another time. Becky then announced she needed to take advantage of the situation so she could get the stuntmen to take advantage of her. Flipping her hair in a tizzy Becky then spun a perfect 180 to showcase her taco basket to the heterosexuals. The three men let out a faint gasp.

Becky was real real real and felt real real real too. Before fully launching herself gaily forward into the world of straights, she paused to give Brad an answer to a question he had yet to ask of her.

“Brad, you’re not AI pretty. You’re REAL pretty! P.S. you’re REAL pretty too Chris.”

Awe! Becky was the real real deal!!!

And just like that, Becky was off like like her swimsuit in 45 minutes. It would take Brad and Chris a good ten to get theirs off mostly because both felt slightly bloated from smelling the tacos. It took four of those minutes just to realize the taco stand was only ten feet away. Madonna saved the world in that amount of time.

Obviously, tacos were evil.

What Brad and Chris needed was a tall cool glass or two of cucumber water. To Brad and Chris’ delight they gulped down three that day. Why don’t we say it was a vurrrry hot afternoon to every degree and leave it at that.

Mmmmm… cucumber.

Gustavio liked his meat pink.

It was wild! The grass was yey high not an hour ago. What could have happened?

Brad and Chris’ exposure due lack of clothing was usually assumed to be unconsciously on purpose by most. Super attractive people did this sort of thing, at least according to the masses. Outside of sleeping, Brad and Chris in reality were always conscious of their generous exposure because they never bothered to cover up.

At 19 am the two were wide awake and the cutting and removal of the grass was clearly not their doing. Jose tended to Brad and Chris’ garden on Tuesdays, and it was… well, not that day of the week.

It was at that moment Brad’s smart phone went off in the distance. Not a moment after, their neighbor Luke appeared with Brad’s phone in hand. Luke informed the two he got a new pair of specs from the Binoculars Club of The Month Club in the mail. Apparently, he cut the grass as a favor for himself. It was the only time Luke was happy to see the mailman come early.

Luke pointed out that the mailman dropped packages off at Brad and Chris’s just before his ruining any chance of coming over fully loaded. The two were always rocking their morning workout on the front porch in thongs and Luke felt like he was left hanging.

To help rectify the situation, Luke thought it may be a fun idea if Brad and Chris could make their t-backs reversible. It might drop a hint for the mailman to switch up his route. Their neighbor then invited Brad and Chris’s thoughts.

It wasn’t the worst idea and not exactly the best. Brad and Chris tentatively agreed to give it a go once Brad had his phone back. It was weird how it jumped from the front porch into Luke’s hands all by itself. How they missed Luke machete his way through the side lawn, no one could fully understand either.

After a bit of back and forth Brad, had his phone and questions outnumber answers. Chris wondered if there was ever really a question to begin with. Brad couldn’t figure out how Luke got his phone to ring, and Luke forgot why he came over.

Well despite all the mystery that morning, one thing was always certain. Whenever things were off for Brad and Chris, like a bad neighbor, perv Luke was there.

And that he was.

Chris wondered if it was possible to face just part of the music.

Brad took another look in the mirror.

Geez. Should he just let it all hang out?

The red contraption was a gift but pretty little things like this always came with questionable obligation as an erotic dancer. This was especially true for all things pleather or ketchup red.

This was obviously a double doozy. Who does a person do in this situation? It was always a race to the finish with his big tippers. That never actually bothered Brad as a speedy coming to head meant a higher turnover.

Well, no matter who stood behind Chris or how much behind he got himself, one thing was for sure. The silky silver lining in this new t-back was about to give him a raging head start.

Brad snapped the selfie just in time.

Wow. That was a hot shot.

You know, if there ever was a big fat wiener here, it might just be his!

Just the Fashion Tip #1436

When doing curls at the gym never underestimate the importance of form-fitting.

Yes. That’s form followed by fitting with both words working in tandem. Got that? Most people forget the ‘fitting.’ It is such an amateur move.

Ok. Let’s concentrate now.

Hey …Is that Slater from Saved By The Bell?

Tight look

Brad looooved volunteering as candy stripper at Cedars-Sinai!

Wait a second. Was his butt hot or chili?

Oh. Brad could tell this could get real sticky real fast like his boyfriend Chris’ homemade flapjacks. What Brad needed to do was to get a reading from him before his hand got stuck.

Click!

Well, it was a good thing the elevator was headed to the first floor. The ER would know how to unstuck him.

Chris’ favorite color was RAINBOW!! …Obviously, his boyfriend Brad’s favorite color was clear.

We don’t see him. Do you?

Well… That was yet another post that inexplicably disappeared from Tumblr. There have been so many we lost count over here at BradandChris.com.

Thanks a lot censor bots!!!

PS - Our differentiator as the gays is SEX! Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. SEX!!!!

Stop it already.

No really. Stop. Sex is our thing.

I’m telling you people jealousy is nothing to sneeze at. This kinda stuff doesn’t happen bi-accident.

BTW - have you seen that one? No real accidents there as it’s scripted. Filled to the brim with bad acting. Bi-accident 2 tho... well, there’s a huge difference. We do mean HUGE.

To ensure his dominance and a score each day, European heart throb and first male Cover Girl Gustavio liked to say technically true but silly things like, he was ‘only into twinks when he was banging them.’

Oh. That Gustavio. You think he’s bad? You should meet his straight French cousin Gaston! He’s a real bell ringer.

During aftercare, Chris would ask his boyfriend Brad if the real Ben Dover ever stood up.

He did at least once.

Just The Fashion Tip #594

You can always hem your short shorts by two inches. Just be aware it may very well run into thong territory….

And, that’s OK. In fact it’s fine. Really fine. Mmmmmmm…..

Oliver Forslin

It took Chris twenty minutes to piece together his boyfriend Brad's knock knock joke. It clicked after their neighbor Luke pointed out Brad meant 'glad' not GLAAD.

Yes. Brad and Chris lived deep inside the heart of the gay bubble where the teeth were white and the butts were tight. Despite the demographic’s high gloss factor tho, ‘orange’ still didn’t rhyme with ‘range’ or ‘strange’ just as anywhere else.

While the disconnect in pronunciation ironically kept things real in the gay bubble, it only highlighted Brad and Chris’s estrangement from all. For Brad and Chris, oddball orange was right up there with the two pronunciations of ‘read.’ WTF was that about? It sure as H-E double hockey sticks was no accent.

Neither was any phonetic version of tear, bass, or close for that matter. Brad and Chris found the same spelling/different word factor especially confusing. Context was everything here, and in a world of information overload, it was seemingly more often than not the one thing missing.

Oy!

Well… That’s heteronyms for you.

What Chris really needed to know was if this orange number came in a thong.

A few minutes later he would find out it did. It would also turn out the pouch was too small. Should not sales clerks know thier regular customers size and product? The fashion gays were known world wide for being on top of things and this was clearly unprofessional.

Why no one at Gay! Gay! Gay! Underwerks told him about this stuff upfront would irk Chris for days. He finally chilled out when his boyfriend Brad suggested the guy who helped him with the thong might be a bottom. A lot of things happened behind the scenes there so it was impossible to ever really know exactly what might be going on with them. It was likely the mystery that made them so damn attractive so it was often best to just let things be what they were.

To the other end, Chris’ orange thong side cleavage would occupy the sales clerk’s smartphone for several weeks. No one gets ahead in retail without taking calculated risks, and this bet paid off big time in more ways than won. That store clerk is now the company’s top performing regional manager and about to launch his own line of underwear appropriately named X-S.

The news there is that he hasn’t decided yet if the dash will remain silent. Unsurprisingly, La-a already voted against any thread of silence. She was Becky’s friend from when she was a cheerleader in South Africa. It’s Brad and Chris’ guess the two may have been the only cheerleaders to ever exist there. You’ve seen Mean Girls right?

Well… There you go.

Before the shift manager said anything, Brad sounded off.

First, the shirt was too small, the tie was practically a string, and there were holes in the underwear suggesting to Brad they might have a moth problem. To top it off, the lady at wardrobe didn't issue any pants! This was officially the worst first day with a catering company ever. Who exactly were they catering to anyway? Brad was prettty certain the city health inspector wouldn't be a fan of someone barely dressed running around a ballroom with a gigantic meat platter.

Brad would learn the term 'softcore' in a phone conversation with his new talent agent not five minutes later. It was at the end of that revealing chat where Brad remembered his boyfriend Chris warned him that it was a little weird to sign with anyone new at 3:12am on a Tuesday in the Hollywood Hills. The thought spurred itself sporadically when his agent mentioned his new pair of Gucci sunglasses were misplaced so he needed to cut things short to find go them. It was the only accessory that ever worked for him.

That was easy for Brad to relate to. He couldn't even find pants in the moment. Luckily this wasn't the worst personal crisis in his 22 year history. Brad rarely wore more than a thong as it was. On the other hand, It was very difficult for Brad to believe someone as generous and attentive as his new agent would take advantage of him. After all, it was the fresh representation who patiently waited 45 minutes at the party while Brad tried to figure out which Speedo to wear in the hot tub. If it wasn't for the suggestion to just ditch the swimmers all together, he'd probably still be there. His new agent was a hero.

The guy on the phone said Brad had a good point.

After ever so briefly thanking him for the validation, Brad mentioned it was funny he said that as his new agent said the same thing probably a dozen times while trying on swimmers. What was really surprising to Brad was that everyone in the hot tub agreed when he recounted the thoughtful episode. No one ever listened to him. It was one of the natural pitfalls of being both 22 and so damn attractive. Few took you seriously.

At that point, Brad was promptly asked to drop the pants, hang up the phone, and return to work.

And that everyone is how the Meat Platter softcore stripper series was born.

Chris loved clear. It not only went with everything, it also never got in the way. This particular shade was indeed his favorite. Wonder Woman clear on the other hand was just too much for him. How someone could make the color clear aggressive sat beyond Chris' comprehension. His boyfriend Brad on the other hand, found it equally as incredible someone managed to make clear a color.