Excerpts From My Life - Tumblr Posts - Page 3

"You love her, don't you? I'm not mad, just disappointed and hurt. But I'm healing, don't worry. It's taking a while but I'll heal. I'll move on. Don't let me stop you from being happy with her. Be happy. That's all I ever wanted."

— Day 9 of being hopelessly in love with him

"I don't think there's been a day where I've ever not loved you as something more than just a friend. I just wish you could say the same as well but hey — what am I to do about it? You were never mine to begin with."

— Day 10 of hating myself for falling for him

"Trust me, hun. I know how it feels."

— Madelaine Ross (OC) to her little sister when said sister cried out that she (Madelaine) didn't know how it felt to be heartbroken

Teacher: Okay class! The next word is Dizzard! Go!

My classmates: *writes down what they think the spelling of the word is*

Me: *does the same*

Me:

My classmates:

Teacher:

Me: You're a dizzard, Harry

The person who I sat next to, the one everyone says looks like Harry: *dies of silent laughter*

My friends: *shaking their head, totally done with my Potterhead-edness*

"Did you just... Avada Kedavra me, you ho?"

— Me to my friends after they said one of the Unforgivable curses to me

My family and I: *in the car, going home*

My parents: *talking about what to eat when we get home*

My brothers and I: *trying not to fall asleep*

My mom: *turns around to us* Do you want your bread with butter or not?

Me: with butter!!!!!

My brothers: *nods in agreement*

My father: *scoffs and goes on a short rant about how butter takes away the glory of bread*

My mom: That's how it is for millennials, dear

My siblings and I: We're Generation Z, mother!!!!!!!

My father: *goes on a slight rant about millennials*

My brothers:

Me:

My mother:

One of my brothers: OK, boomer

Me: *starts laughing uncontrollably*

My parents: *doesn't know what to do*

My other brother: *shakes his head at the two of us*

"I'm not crying because of what happened. I'm crying because no one cared."

— Me at the moment

"I'm better because I've been worse."

— Life Quote of mine

"I wish I could say 'Thank you' to all the characters I've read about this decade because they were more than just characters to me. They were my heroes. And they still are."

— End of the Decade feelings

Things that happened this decade Part 1

Cousin: Dammit! I'm not tall enough to ride the Viking! Curse my height...

Me: *looks up from book* oh, what a pity. I mean, it's not like there's things called heels that make you taller than you really are and all that but you know, such a pity. *goes back to book*

Cousin: *squeals* Thank you, cuz! That's a wonderful idea!

Me: *flicks the page to the next one* Whatever are you talking about?

Things that Happened this decade Part 2

Me: *reads book, comes across a cute part, makes inhumane noises cuz OTP*

My siblings: *turns to look at me with a weird look* What...?

Me: *not looking up* Don't. Just don't question it.

My siblings: *turns to look at each other before shrugging and ignoring me*

~

Me: *casually walks around the swimming pool to go to the other one*

Cousin: *pushes me into the pool*

Me: Fu —!! *falls into someone's arm*

Me: Who the-? *looks up to see my old Crush*

Old Crush: So... You fell for me, Huh?

Me: *dying inside* I — uh, excuse me for a second...

Me: *gets out of Crush's hold, awkwardly smiles before turning around and glaring at my laughing cousins*

Cousins: Oh fuc...

Me: *cracks knuckles* Oh, you're going down.

Cousins: *runs*

Me: Get back here!

~

Me: *stares disdainfully at Pastel dress* I hate this...

Me: *wears it and goes to Christmas Party wearing it*

My friends: *points at my dress* What?

Me: *glares* Don't.

My friends: Alright *goes back to whatever they were doing*

Me: *pulls on dress* I hate this. It makes me look soft...

One of my friends: That's because you are soft. *fixes my dress*

Me: *gay panics*

~

My mother: So, what do you want for Christmas?

Me: My Hogwarts Letter

My mother: Dear, we already talked about this. There is no such —

Me: HoGwArTs LeTtEr

My mother: *sighs* Alright!

Me: *lights up* Really?!

My mother: No.

Me: *deadpans*

~

Me: *brings home Bisexual Pride flag that a friend made for me*

My family: What's that?

Me: Uhhhhh... Nothing... *panics cuz I ain't out of the closet yet*

One of my brothers: I don't know, that looks pReTtY gAy tO mE

Me: *sweats and panics more* UHMM-

My brother: Wait... Don't tell me—

Me: *panics* IM ON MY PERIOD.

My family: *blinks* okay... *leaves because it was awkward*

Me: *looks at my dog who was staring at me* I panicked, I'm sorry.

"I don't want a New Year's kiss this New Year's Eve — what I want is to be better than I was last year. That's my New Year's Eve wish."

— New Year feels

"It feels weird to know that a decade has passed, that we're saying goodbye to 10 years of our life just like that. But it isn't really goodbye, isn't it? I like to think so. But maybe that's just the child in me that's talking. The child in me that's not yet ready to let go of her childhood so easily..."

— New Decade feels

"Are you stupid?!"

She flinched at the condescending tone her mother used when she yelled at her. Her eyes lost it's life and the twinkle that she always seemed to have as she bowed her head in shame, not even bothering to speak up for herself. Tears that she blamed on the fact she was holding back a sneeze even though she knew it was for so much more threatened to fall in her eyes yet she refused to let them fall. She wasn't going to look weak, not when her mother yelled at her for her stupidity. You see, her mother tasked her with the chore to water the plants in their garden and though she managed to do the job correctly, she failed to do one thing. One of their carpets was on the garden drying off after her mother washed it and instead of grabbing the heavy carpet and putting it somewhere else before watering the plants, she chose to merely continue watering the plants and ignoring the carpet, doing her best to not wet it but of course, her attempt was futile as she managed to wet the carpet which then leads to why her mother was yelling at her now.

"You could have at least moved the carpet away or asked one of your brothers to! You stupid child!"

She bit her tongue to stop herself from talking back to her mother knowing that it will only lead to her getting punished. It wasn't as if she didn't try to move the carpet because she did, try that is. She just didn't manage to move the carpet because she was sick and her thighs hurt from the dance practice her class had two days ago plus she wasn't that strong to lift the heavy carpet easily. And she did want to ask one of her brothers to move the carpet for her but she didn't because of two reasons. One, both of them were busy and she knew they would get mad if she interrupted them and two, she feared that they would mock her for not being able to lift the carpet easily as they could. It was stupid, she knew that. No one could have expected her to lift the carpet easily when she was sick and her thigh hurt. But her brother always had the tendency to mock her for every little mistake she did, comparing her to themselves when they were her age. Didn't get ace an exam? They'd have called her stupid and said that when they were her age, they aced their tests easily. Even though she knew some of what they said were false as acing a test isn't a walk in the park, it still hurt because despite not acting like it, she looks up to her brother's a lot and to hear them mock her hurts. Speaking of her brothers, she glanced at them to find them ignoring what was happening as if it was a normal thing which it kinda was but that didn't mean it hurt less. In fact, it seemed to hurt more.

"Why don't you just think for once in your life?"

Her eyes glanced back at her yelling mother before looking back down at the floor in shame, wishing someone would stand up for her the way she was too cowardly to do so. She took a shaky breath as she tried to calm down her nerves, not wanting to break down in front of her mother. It was always like that for her. She always seemed to hide her true feelings from her family. Never protesting against them or trying to fight back. She didn't show them her tears or her pain. She didn't tell them how she felt about the way her parents always seemed to expect her to be perfect even though she wasn't. She didn't utter a protest against them when they forced her to study nor when they took her phone to make her focus on her study more. There are times, though. Times that she would protest but it was only ever uttered in a quiet whisper. Even then, her mother would hear her and scold her for talking back to her even though she only just uttered a small apology. This was one of those times.

"I'm sorry —"

"I don't want to hear it. I expected better from you."

There it was again. The expectation placed on her shoulders — on her thirteen year old shoulders. She bowed her head further feeling more ashamed than she had ever been. She didn't tell her mother how she can screw off because how can she expect a thirteen year old teenage highschool girl to be a perfect girl? She also didn't utter a word about how unfair her mother was being to her. After all, her brothers had no expectations placed on them when they were her age. Was it because she was a girl? If so, she can screw off. Yet she did not say any of these opting to stay silent and endure the verbal abuse. She wanted to ignore it. Ignore the name calling and the mean words. Ignore how her brothers stayed quiet and not do anything to help her. Ignore how her father wasn't here to calm her mother down since he was in the other side of the world. Ignore the pain. Ignore the hurt. Just everything. Yet she knew that she couldn't. Her mind refused to let her have the bliss of tuning out the harsh words yelled at her by the very same woman who bore her.

"Get out of my face. I don't want to see you."

And just like that, she maneuvered around her mother and left the room walking like she normally did. Her head looking straight ahead, her back straight, and no emotion on her face.

Don't show them how your hurting. Stay strong. Have no emotion. Stand straight. Don't let them know their words hurt you. Those were her rules and she'd be damned if she broke one of them, especially after a verbal attack from mother dearest.

She went up the stairs of her house and to the upstairs living room. She turned the fan on before staring straight ahead of her — she could see their neighborhood from the window in front of her — knowing what was about to happen. She wasn't able to close her eyes when it happened. When the tears started to fall. Even though she knew it was going to happen, she still cursed herself before going to one of the two bathrooms upstairs not bothering to off the fan as she knew one of her brothers would go upstairs any minute now. She turned on the lights and locked the bathroom door before she stood in front of the bathroom mirror taking in the view in front of her. As expected, she looked horrible. Her eyes were red as was her nose. Her normally olive pale skin had a red tint on them. Tears continued to fall from her face as she wiped then off rapidly. Her breathing was visible yet she still did her best to be quiet not wanting anyone to hear her. Not wanting anyone to know that she was crying. Her hands gripped the sides of the sink, her tears ceasing to fall for the time being, as she chuckled to herself in a self-deprecating way.

Look at you, she thought to herself as she stared back at her reflection with her tears falling yet again. So pathetic, she belittled herself. Why are you crying over such a little thing? She asked herself even though she knew that it wasn't a little thing. Being yelled at by your mother over a mistake you did isn't a little thing, not for her. Being called stupid and moronic isn't a little thing. Watching your brothers ignore you and not stand up for you when you're being yelled at isn't a little thing. Being verbally attacked isn't a little thing. Having big expectations placed on you and being yelled at for not being able to live up to it isn't a little thing. Yet she still thought it was. Why? Because she knew that someone out there had it rougher than her even though she knew it wasn't a good enough reason for her to belittle herself and deprive herself from the bliss of loving herself. It seemed that nothing that she did or thought was good enough. Not to her and especially not to her family.

She recalled how her friends encouraged her to stand up for herself against her parents the way she stands up for herself and for her friends against anyone who dared hurt them yet she couldn't bring herself to. She wasn't courageous enough and every time she did try to, she would either manage to get yelled at or talk herself out of it saying things such as her parents were hurt, they didn't mean it, they loved her for herself, they were just disappointed and didn't mean to yell at her. She always gave excuses for their actions even when their actions had gone too far. She never went against her family and maybe it wasn't for the best. After all, would it really be the best to simply opting to stay silent and not stand up for herself when she always somehow managed to cry herself to sleep or fool herself of a life she knew was far out of her reach? It wasn't yet she couldn't bring herself to go against them. Maybe one day they'd realize and things would change. It was unlikely yet she let her thirteen year old self to believe that. She let herself have hope even though she knew that she would hurt herself deeply when — if she finds out her hope of a better life wasn't going to happen.

She took a shaky breath before staring at her no longer crying self at the mirror. "You got this..." She whispered to herself as quiet as she could with a shaky voice. Her eyes blinked a few times before she nodded at her reflection as if approving the way her tears were no longer falling even though it was still quite obvious that she had. "Be strong..." She couldn't afford to have herself be in a weak state, especially in front of her family. She was always like that. She always took everything with a calm yet empty look on her face and never showed any of her pain. She wasn't a fan of crying in front of her family and/or her classmates. They knew her as the smart, kind, polite, hardworking, understanding, helpful yet also funny, goofy, not afraid of causing trouble, always in her own little world, and geeky girl who has a lot of memes in her disposal, likes to read books a lot, and a teacher's pet. They knew her as the facade she built in order to hide her pain and so, letting them see her cry would have ruined the image she built up. It was normal for a girl to cry but for them, for the people that knew her, it would be weird for them to see her openly sob her eyes out. "Don't let them see your tears..." She stared before opening the tap and washing her face in hopes to make the fact that she had been crying not so noticeable. It worked but only just slightly. It was still noticeable but it wouldn't be for long, she'd make sure of that. She then continued to stare at her reflection. Staring at the girl who had obviously been crying and whose eyes screamed for help despite the lack of life in them.

Walk out and act like nothing happened.

And that she did as she finally opened the door of the bathroom and walked out to see one of her brother on the living room sitting like she had expected. His eyes found hers as they continued to stare at each other even when she started to move towards his direction. They didn't say anything. They never did. It was a silent agreement between the three siblings that none of them would mess with each others affairs lest it be necessary. Despite the fact her brothers mocked her all the chance they get, she knew that some of their words were lies and just jokes. She just didn't know how much of it were just that. Lies and jokes. She was sure that he took notice of her still red eyes and slightly red nose but said nothing. He hadn't before so why start now? She was the first to break eye contact as she neared him and grabbed her phone that was charging before leaving the room and into her own.

She was tempted to close the door yet she didn't as she had a feeling that one of them would go into her room and out into the terrace her room was connected to. She glanced at her bed and contemplated laying down and resting after what happened but decided against it. Her feet carried her to her study desk that had her current project in display and a bunch of materials as well as one book and a monitor, mouse, and printer. She sat down on the chair before opening the drawer of her study desk to find the keyboard. She played with the keys for a bit before she closed the drawer and opted to place her feet on the space on her desk, feeling grateful that her mother was too busy cooking downstairs to go to her room and scold her for her choice of sitting.

For a few moments, she just simply stated at nothing as she pondered on what would happen next. She knew that after a few minutes her mother would have already calmed down enough for her to not be berated during dinner which she was grateful for but she also knew that her mother wouldn't apologize and it hurt. Knowing that her mother wouldn't apologize to her after all that she said — nay yelled at her hurt. It hurt but she'll get over it. She had to. She also knew that it would be just like before her mother's outburst. Pretending that nothing's wrong, pretending that their latest argument — or really her mother's latest outburst didn't happen, pretending that she was alright when she really wasn't, and putting back the same old facade she built years ago when her mother finally decided to put a huge amount of expectations on her daughter's shoulders — on her shoulders. The facade that everyone seemed to fall for. Even her friends and family. Sure, her friends knew that she wasn't alright but that was only because she told them about it. She doubted that they would have found out about her situation if she hadn't told them but that might just have been the doubt in her mind that her friends actually cared for her. Her mind reminded her of their little get together yesterday. One of her friends who was a year below her and her two best friends decided to ask all of them — all of her friends including her — to go hang out with her, the birthday celebrant, in the mall to celebrate her birthday. Most of them agreed, she had too. The few that weren't allowed to go were one of her two best friends and their friend who really couldn't go because her parents were strict on her in a protective way. After all, they had planned on going to a far place so it would take an hour or so for them to go home which would then mean that they would be going home at night. Her best friend that wasn't allowed to go said that she had to go to a funeral that day and wouldn't be able to go to their get together / hangout party and that was alright for them. She, on the other hand, didn't even need to ask her parents to know that she would probably not even allowed to go even though she promised she would. Even though she wanted to. Days before their planned hangout, she told her friends that she wouldn't be able to go as her mother was slightly angry at her. She apologized to the birthday celebrant and after a while, she and her best friend that wasn't coming continued to joke that they would have a get together of their own because they weren't coming. But then, the day of the get together came and that was when she realized that her best friend who said she wouldn't be able to go had lied. Their group chat that day was silent and when she asked where they were they revealed that they met some of their friends at school — one of which were her old crush — and that her best friend that said she wouldn't go was there and to say that she was hurt was an understatement. It was petty and she didn't really know why she was hurt or angry but she supposed it was because her best friend had lied to her. Fooled her into believing that she wouldn't be alone in feeling left out because it was obvious that they had a lot of fun and had many funny moments that she wouldn't be able to relate to. Maybe it was because she felt like she was growing apart from her friends? Maybe. After all, her two best friends were together and they had a hangout of their own — it was before they got together — so she felt left out. Her other friends? She wasn't really close to them and she never really knew what they felt about her.

After that, she told everyone not to text her because she was being petty and she was beginning to regret that now. She didn't have anyone to talk to. Sure, she could just talk to her friends and apologize but she felt so ashamed because she knew that her friends would ask her why she told them to not text her or communicate with her in any way and she didn't know what she would say. Sure, she had her online friends but it wouldn't be the same as they don't know her the same personal way her friends did. Her eyes looked up at the ceiling of her room as she wondered where it all went wrong. Where her simple life became so...so... so complicated. Where her life changed, for better or for worse? She didn't know. Her eyes flickered to her phone and then to her earphones before smiling softly. If there was one thing that never change though was the fact that music always seemed to cheer her up. And so, with that, she opened her phone and plugged in her earphones before going to her musics and pressing shuffle play.

Her eyes closed as the music she knew all to well started to blast in her ears in a way that calmed her down. In a way that made her forget of all the problems she had. Of all the drama. In a way that made her feel like she wasn't alone. That there's an end to this rough road that she took.

"It feels like they're coming at me, from all sides

It feels like I've got nowhere to run, nowhere to hide

It feels like I'm never good enough

It feels like I'm always just trying

Sometimes I feel like I should give up

And sometimes I feel like I'm dying."

Her eyes fluttered open as she smiled a bittersweet smile at just how the song was so relatable. She opened her mouth and started to quietly sing the chorus of the song to herself.

"I'm falling to pieces but nobody knows

I'm falling to pieces but won't let it show

I'm hanging from Parasails that are wearing out

I'm crashing down as my dreams fade out

I've been falling to pieces for what feels like forever

Can somebody put me back together?"

Before she could continue however, her other brother came in her room and as she expected, went outside to the terrace. She stared at his form before quieting down and putting back her calm, apathetic facade. She exited her music app and saw that she received a message from their class group chat. Curious, she opened the bubble and read the message in the photo messaged to them by their class secretary.

The message was clear. There are no classes tomorrow and for that, she was grateful. Even though it meant she'd have to endure her mother longer than usual, it meant that she'd be given the time to sort out her feelings for her friends — more specifically, for her best friend who had the nerve to lie to them. Confrontations weren't her strong suit and she knew that if there had been school tomorrow, she would have been confronted and wasn't quite fond of the idea. Her mother barely confronts her with anything and her brothers didn't really care about what she does so she knew that there would be no confrontations from her family. They would all just pretend nothing is wrong. It wasn't right and it hurt but she was used to it and if she hadn't, she would have gotten used to it.

She heard her mother calling for them for supper and stood up immediately. She paused her music and put down her phone before leaving the room, feeling better than when she has entered. Sure, she wasn't in the best of moods as she didn't really feel anything when she left — she wasn't happy, she wasn't upset, she wasn't angry, she was just neutral — but it was better than being upset and showing her mother that her words affected her.

So long as she didn't do anything stupid tomorrow, things will be just fine. She knew that she'd have to face the issue of her friends sooner rather than later but after her mother's outburst, she wasn't really in the mood for being confronted by her friends so soon after said outburst. She also knew that she can't just keep on delaying herself from confronting her problems but right now, she was worn out from crying and being yelled out. Right now she'll let herself have the bliss of time. She'll let herself pick herself up before she does anything else. For now, she'll heal and she'll be better. She had to be. It was what her family expected from her and despite their harsh words and their indifference, they were still her family and she'd be damned if she failed them. Maybe one day things will be better. Maybe one day she won't have to live with the fear of failing her family. Maybe one day she'll no longer feel left out and forgotten by her friends. Maybe one day she'll be able to show her true emotions. Maybe one day she'll be able to think back to this as something that was so long ago. Maybe one day she'll be a better person. Maybe one day she'll see her worth. Maybe one day she'll be able to love herself for herself. But those were only maybes and might not happen. Even then, she'll let herself have hope. After all, losing hope will be the moment she gave up and she doesn't plan on giving up so soon. Not when she can help it.

—

"You're stronger than you think you are. Don't sell yourself short. I'll get through this and so will you..."

— From one broken warrior to another

"I can't say that I understand you completely because I don't know what you've been through but I can say that I know pain because of what I've been through as well and if I can get through this, so will you."

— From one hurt(ing) person to another

"I can't fight your own battles for you but I promise that I'll fight it with you. After all, what are friends for?"

— To a friend who needs to know that I'll be there for them, always

"Don't ever think that you're not good enough because you are good enough. You just don't see it yet."

— To a person who needs to realize that they're more than enough

"Things will get better sooner rather than later."

— From someone who's talking from experience

The way he looked at her so tenderly it was cute and revolting at the same time. She was laughing at something his friend said. She was beautiful. She was practically perfect. With her cute short hair and small yet fit stature, who wouldn't like her? Not only that but she was smart and kind too — popular as well. What more can anyone ask for? He was beautiful as well. The perfect boy, they called him. Smart, athletic, good-looking, nice, funny — they were both perfect. They had their flaws, yes, but to everyone, they were perfect. To everyone, they were meant to be. To everyone, they were star crossed lovers. To everyone, they were the "It" couple. To everyone...but me.

To me, they were just another one of my friends. To me, they were just one of the few people I trust my life with. To me, they were one of they few who understood me. To me, they were the people who helped shape me to become who I am today. To me...they were just that one meant to be couple that I have the unfortunate luck of liking one them, maybe a bit too much for it to be platonic.

That's right, I like one of them. I like one of my friends — not just any of my friends but the one half of the ultimate "couple". Amazing, no? |

She stared at the screen in front of her as she wondered how she would continue her story. Bags were under her tired eyes as she had once again stayed up late to continue writing. A yawn threatened to escape from her lips but she held it down, fearing that even just the slightest of sounds would wake her darling mother up and now that wouldn't be such a pretty sight. Her eyes flickered tiredly to the bottom left corner of her laptop and mentally cursed herself at the time that stared back at her.

3:27 AM

She was running out of time and she knew it. It was her fault though. She could have started sooner and this wouldn't have to happen yet here she was again procrastinating till the last second before jumping to stay awake to finish her project. This time though it wasn't for school. No, it was for her own personal problems. Valentine's was nearing — or rather, Valentine's had come and she has yet to post a Valetine's special in her story. It wasn't needed, she knew that. She could have just typed out "Happy Valentine's" or write a short poem but no — her overachieving mind won't stand for it. She has to do something big and writing a Valentine's special was her plan. Problem is though — it's already Valentine's and she's barely started. Don't get her wrong, she had started before but every one of her drabbles just seems too cheesy or too sad for her and she wouldn't stand for it, removing and deleting paragraphs over paragraphs before re-writing or writing a whole 'nother idea than the last. Her hand reached up and ran through her messy hair before slowly going down to her face and rubbing it. She was tired. She had class tomorrow and she barely slept a wink — sure she's done it before, by that she means going to school with little to none sleep, but that doesn't mean it sucks any less. She's used to it, even got a schedule on what to do when it happens, but the idea of having to fight to stay asleep in class and keep her grades up while worrying about her Valetine's special and her upcoming seatworks and projects isn't really appealing to her. Or at all.

Small padded footsteps can be heard a few ways behind her making her turn and smile tiredly at the sight of her sleepy dog who stared at her before merely going to her feet and laying down. She sighed and bent down to ruffle her fur before sitting back straight again and staring at her laptop and the words typed in it, wondering just how she should continue. After a while of staring, she reached a hand out and promptly erased her drabble and hovering a hand over the keyboard, a new idea already in the making.

Valentine's day — A. K. A. The day couples use as an excuse to be more PDA than usual and spoil their partners. I hate it |

Nope. Too bitter. She erased it again before drinking from her cup, frowning when barely any coffee reached her lips, and hovering her hands on top of the keyboard yet again.

A cheer can be heard from a few ways behind her as yet another person confessed to their crush and got a yes. Her eyes rolled at the thought. How the hell do people even find the courage to confess when she could barely ask a classmate for a pencil without panicking? But then again, that was only her — maybe it was different for other people? Maybe. |

A sigh escaped her lips as she found her hands hovering above the keyboard, not knowing where to go next. She was never going to finish this on time. She closed her tired eyes before snapping them open at the small whisper of a notification, though she flinched at the sudden sound. Her eyes skimmed across the words before shaking her head with a small smile. They knew her too well.

New message from 'Fami-REE'

Sleep.

She looked at her dog before sighing. She'd have to finish this later today. With that, she closed her laptop not without saving her draft and grabbed her dog before going to bed to at least have some sleep before she goes to school.

==

That's it. She's going to die. If not by the hands of her friends then by her very own. A small groan escaped her lips as she laid her head on the wall beside her, staring with tired eyes at her teacher who droned on and on about something — Was it Linear Equations? Or was it Probability? Honestly, she didn't care anymore. All she wanted was sleep yet she can't have that. She's one of the honor students meaning she has to keep her grades up. Just great. Her eyes flickered to the empty seat next to her as her stomach churned at the thought of her sick friend before flickering to the girl in front of her and surpressing a wince. The girl in front was her friend. A very, very concerned friend who had smacked her the moment she saw her eyebags. Her eyes then tiredly swept across the classroom before settling at the front of the class and on her teacher. She must have looked dead right now. With her eye bags and her somewhat messy hair but what she didn't know is that she didn't look dead. Honestly, she just looked as if she was in a bad mood — her glasses covered her eye bags pretty well apparently. She watched as her teacher's eyes swept around the classroom obviously thinking of which student they should torture with questions next. Their eyes was about to settle on her but she had flickered her own to one of her friends which made her teacher call on her friend and not her. Oops. She flinched a bit. Sorry.

Time seemed to both drag and pass by within a blink of an eye as even though she felt as though the day would last forever, it was already their break. It was only half day for them meaning that they can leave before lunch but they still had recess — most commonly known as free period. Her friend — the one who had smacked her — pulled her to her feet and had her go downstairs to buy food for her stomach. Damn woman. Still, she let her friend drag her downstairs and buy her food to eat. Once the food was given, she slowly but surely began to eat, listening half heartedly to her friend's conversation with one of their younger schoolmates — a student who was a year below them she believed? — and putting in her input here and there. It seemed as if her friend had decided to tell a random stranger — to her knowledge that is — that she was Pansexual and began teaching said stranger about the LGBTQ+ community with vigor like no other. The thought made her smile, half fondly and half teasingly.

"So you can come out to a random stranger but not come out to your parents? Okay," She teased knowing full well how hard it is to come out to your parents before laughing lightly as her friend turned her head at her and started spluttering reasons why then laughing along with her. She was starting to wake up now. That's good. Her eyes flickered to the sudden movement a few ways to her left and she furrowed her eyes slightly at the sight of people she hadn't seen before. What were they doing at her school? Seeing her confused face, her friend sighed and reminded her. "Our sister school is practicing their concert in our school, remember? That's why we have a half day today. To give way to their practice."

"Oh."

That was all she could say as she went back to eating. Her friend, used to this, simply went back to her conversation with the stranger not realizing how deep in thought she had actually been. Her mind tried to find reasons why she was so disappointed all of a sudden. Was she disappointed that they weren't new students? Not likely. Was she disappointed that their sister school's practice had been the reason why they had half day? She wasn't complaining but maybe she thought it was for something else? Maybe she thought her school decided to be nice and give them more time to spend tine with their family instead of spending Valentine's day at school? Maybe.

But as her eyes swept around the area she sat in the cafeteria, she was suddenly reminded why she hated Valentine's so much as she saw the multiple roses and gifts other students, mostly girls, carried. For her, Valentine's was just a day to rub it in her face that no one loved her like that and no one probably will at the lack of gifts given to her. Her eyes looked back at her still conversing friend and frowned a bit when she remembered that her said friend had gotten chocolate from one of their other friends — one from the year below them — yet she had received none from that friend. She was being selfish though and she knew it. They all had been busy and of course they wouldn't be able to give gifts to each other that much. Plus the friend in the year below them knew her friend — the one who smacked her arm and forced her to eat — longer as she had been a transferee last school year while her friend had been in the school since 5th grade. Of course people knew about her friend. Still she couldn't help but feel a bit bitter at the thought yet didn't complain, mostly because she feared the answer. Maybe the friend in the year below them hated her and this was how they decuded to show it. A bit dramatic for her to think about but drama was in her veins so you can't blame her. She feared the thought of not being enough.

A cough broke her off from her thoughts as she looked at her friend who'd apparently been calling for her for the past minute. She smiled a sheepish smile before slowly standing up and throwing her trash in the bin, her friend following her lead. She waited for said friend to fall into step with her before the two walked together upstairs, conversing about nothing yet anything at the same time. Mindless chatter, one would say. The two reached the third floor — the floor their class was held in — before the two slowed at the sight before them. Yet another one of their friends from the year below was blocking their way to class. The two friends shared a look before approaching the younger student. The two barely reached them when the younger student began ushering her away. Ouch. She tried not to let her hurt show and succeeded for the most part — anyone who paid attention would have seen but luckily for her, no one was paying attention to her, at least not to her knowledge. Before she could even make a joke or a smart remark to cover her hurt, the younger student promptly told her that one of her classmates — another one of their friends — was inside their classroom which is why the whole class from the year below was screeching. Understanding and knowing that it was only a way to make her go away, she relented and went inside, immediately asking her other classmate friends what was up. One of them simply told her that the friend — the one who was in the year below them and inside — was being forced to hug one of her classmates — A.k.a. said friend's crush. Her still a bit sleeping mind struggled to process the information as suddenly one of her other friends began talking to said classmate — the crush of the younger student — and asking if he could hug her friend instead. Her body and mind worked on autopilot as she suddenly went to her classmate and her friend before asking her classmate as well to hug her friend with her hands in a prayer position as if begging. Her classmate took one look at her and her friend before promptly agreeing. He went to her year younger friend before looking back at her.

"What do I have to do?"

"Hug her."

Her words were immediate and without a thought. Her classmate nodded his head and turned around before giving her year younger friend a hug that barely lasted a few seconds — it was short yet enough for people, including her, to start cheering. But as her mind suddenly caught up with her actions, she stopped midway to her cheer and merely smiled a small, happy looking smile as she realized just who exactly the classmate had been. It had been her crush. Her crush that was silent and suffering. No one except a select few knew and even then, they didn't know that it was back or that she still liked him seeing as that she'd only told them once about it and barely brought it up ever again. The hug ended a few moments ago yet people were still cheering and she was still smiling, her eyes hollow in thought. Her eyes flickered to her classmate — her crush — no, her friend who caught her gaze and smiled a small tiny smile of greeting before she suddenly turned around and walked away. No one noticing the sudden slight shift in her mood. After all, no one cared about her enough to notice.

She saw her friend — the one who'd smacked her — still with her friend who had been the one to send her away and went to them before uttering two small words and smiling as if she was happy for them — as if she wasn't slowly dying at the ingrained picture of the two.

"They hugged."

But of course, her friends took no notice of the pained undertone in her voice and merely said their pride for their friend before going back to their previous conversation. Knowing with a heavy heart that she was not needed, she went away and walked towards her other friends noting how the friend he had hugged was in the group before sharing her happiness because yes, she was happy for her friend, she truly was —she just didn't wish she had to suffer for it because there was no way she would tell them she liked the same guy. No way. She had to be a good friend and she couldn't do that by liking the same guy as said friend — even though in this case it's admitting seeing as that she already liked him, she just didn't admit it to everyone yet.

"Ay! He hugged you huh? How does that feel?"

She briefly thought of the countless times she'd hid her pain with jokes and almost laughed bitterly at the thought yet held herself back.

"It was really nice."

The way she'd said it with a blush told her she enjoyed it really and smiled a small smile — one that many thought was of fondness but was really of sadness as if she'd realized something that made her give up.

"You really like him, don't you?"

"I do."

The fact that there wasn't any hesitance in her friend's voice made her heart ache yet she still smiled as if nothing was wrong.

"Well then, I wouldn't know what that feels like."

Lies.

"I've never really really liked anyone before."

Lies. Why do you do this?

"No one really caught my eye yet."

Lies again. Why do you hide?

"I've never experienced having butterflies in my stomach yet or anything like that..."

Again, lies. Why can't you just tell them?

"But — I wonder, if I do like someone, would it make me as happy as you are around him?"

Yet another lie. Her eyes saddened at the thought of her pain for merely liking the one guy she shouldn't have liked but of course, they interpreted it as sadness at the thought of not liking someone ever and being alone. They never did interpret her sadness correctly.

"It will."

She had to resist the urge to scoff at that and merely just smiled and nodded her head slowly.

"It will huh?"

It won't. It didn't now. It won't the next time.

With that she rushed to say her congratulations for the hug and before noting how all her friends were busy and simply, silently, walked away and to the restroom praying that no one would be there.

Fate was on her side that day as no one was in the restroom making her sigh in relief. She went to one of the many unoccupied stalls and locked it before closing the lid of the toilet and slowly sitting down. She clasped both her hands together and bowed her head down as she stared hollowly at the floor beneath her, knowing that she was too tired to cry but was awake enough to feel hurt. She put her head on her hands as she closed her eyes wanting to just wake up and find out it's all a dream but it isn't. She knows that and plus there's this part of her — the kind soul in her — that knows that if it was true, if it's all a dream then her friend wouldn't have actually hugged him and as much as that would have made her okay, it didn't sit well with her, remembering just how happy her friend had been. She was mean but she wasn't mean enough to wish to remove someone's happiness for her own. But even then, she allowed herself to be selfish in her short moment of privacy. She allowed herself to think of what would have been if she had been the one hugged and what would have been if she had confessed to him once upon a time instead of chickening out. Different possibilities surged through her mind as she allowed her tears to form yet refused to let them fall.

After composing herself, she walked outside the stall and splashed water to her face, happily noting how she didn't look like she was about to cry, before walking outside and back to her friends who didn't seem to notice a thing. She took a deep breath before she reached them. This was it. Time for the act. With that, she continued walking towards them with a happy smile, immediately joking around with them and hiding her pain behind her mask like always. She'd be damned if she let them knew what was really happening in her mind.

==

Stressed and tired. That's what she was right now as she laid on her bed with an exasperated look on her tired face, her phone a few ways away from her hand. At the sound of a ping, she turned around and looked at the notification before opening her phone and immediately going online. She scrolled down and checked who pinged her before suppressing a groan. Yet another person had complained to her about something. You see, she was a staff of a server and lately a lot of people have been complaining to her about something and now she had both Online and IRL problems to deal with. She closed her phone before rolling back to her previous position. It's been four or five hours since she got home from school and she has yet to receive a gift of any sort from any people she knew and the fact made her heart ache in pain.

She was about to cry or at least whine like a child when she received a notification. She suppressed a groan, thinking it was another person complaining, but rolled over to her phone nonetheless. Her hands wrapped around her phone as she opened it. Her eyes scanned the words of the message and immediately she was smiling.

New message from 'Bunch of Dumbos'

Wholesome Dumbo

HAPPY SINGLE'S DAY MOTHERNOTFUCKERS!

The fact that 'Wholesome Dumbo' refused to call them MOFOs was enough to make her laugh. She opened the groupchat between her and her fellow server staffs which became her online friends and immediately responded.

Awkward Dumbo

It's nearly night for me but Happy Valentine's to you too

Not even a second later he responded saying that she was too far ahead in time and she laughed. Each and every staff lived in different parts of the wrold and therefore, they had different time zones making it hard for them to communicate yet they without fail manage to talk to each other every day. It was somethine she's always looked forward to everyday. They were her anchors when life isn't the best to her. She smiled as she replied to his text saying that he should blame time zones and all that. A laugh escaped her lips when another staff member chatted back and said that they were being loud but still said Happy Valentine's day or rather, they said "Happy Single day" because they all just didn't have Valentine's that day. It was like the domino — or was it buttefly? — effect took it's place as one by one each and every staff woke up or checked their phones and suddenly, they were all chatting and joking around as usual. It was when she was laughing at something another staff said that yet another staff member decided to speak up but this time in a more serious note.

Wholesome Dumbo

I cherish you guys, you know that right?

The words were enough to make her world stop as 'Wholesome Dumbo' continued his speech about cherishing her and the other staff. Her heart felt light and her eyes stung as he continued with his words. A smile graced her lips as he ended his speech with a small note.

Wholesome Dumbo

Happy Valentine's day. I love y'all.

She felt like crying then and there because no one had ever said that they loved her. Not straight up anyway. Her heart was hammering with love yet it wasn't romantic. It was pure platonic, familial love that was running her heart. And suddenly, her mind woke up and she remembered that Valentine's wasnt just a day for couples but a day for people to show their love. After all, it's not the day of love for nothing and there are so many more kinds of love other than romantic. Just because Valentine's is usually associated with couples and all that doesn't mean it's all about that. No, it's a day to show people how much you love them. Sure, you should do that everyday — you should show your loved ones how much you love them everyday — but Valentine's is just a day to remind us about that. Or at least, that's how she interpreted it. And so, with her mind that barely got any sleep last night finally up and running, ideas swirled around her brain and she smiled. Time to write.

Awkward Dumbo

I love y'all too. I gotta go now though — I have an idea to write. Thanks for the wake up call!

With that, she closed her phone not without reading the replies of goodlucks and supportive notes they gave her. Adrenaline pumped her veins as she grabbed her laptop and started to write with vigor like no other. Her mind ran so fast that ideas — both previous and new ones — merged together to make a story that satisfied the young writer's mind.

A few hours that felt like minutes to her later, she was nearing the epilouge. She typed in the last few paragraphs in mind and as she finally clicked on the last period, she took a deep breath and leaned back on her pillow before reading her creation. It was based on her. It was of a girl who wondered what will happen on her Valentine's day when she suddenly saw something heartbreaking for the gal. She had then ran and her friends saw her before rushing to comfort her. They managed to do so after a few moments and suddenly, they were all joking around and having a moment. And in that moment, the main character realized that just because she was single and it was Valentine's and yes, her crush apparently liked another girl, doesn't mean that her Valentine's was ruined. After all, Valentine's wasn't just about romantic love. It can be of purely familial love or any other kinds of love there are. With that, she saved her draft and published it, sending the link to her friends afterwards.

And in that moment — while I laid there on Sarah's lap as she continuously patted my head and surrounded by all of my friends, all of us joking around and laughing like the maniacs we are — I realized something. Valentine's isn't just about loving someone romantically, it's also for something else — for other kinds of love like familial love. And as I watch all my friends laugh at a joke after they've comforted me, I realized that I don't need any man to make my Valentine's day a special day. I have my friends for that and that's what matters. Katelyn, who was grinning proudly as she had been the one to crack the joke that sent everyone laughing, noticed how deep in thought I was. "You still with us?" She asked jokingly but all of us could hear the concerned tone in her voice, no matter how much she tried to hide it. Knowing that I won't be able to lie like last time nor was I going to in the first place, I smiled my usual charismatic smile that made everyone of my friends physically sag in relief and smile back.

"Not going anywhere, anytime soon."

"You sure bout that? You're not going to run away again and hide to cry your hearts out?"

All of us knew the silent message behind Charlie's words. 'Are you sure everything will be just fine?'

"Yep, I won't. I'm sure of it."

Everything's just fine. And for once, I actually meant it. After weeks of dreading and moping around because of Valentine's, I'm finally content and happy. Maybe not fully happy but I suspect it's because of Brian's confession to Lea but happy nonetheless. I watched as they deciphered the meaning of my words before smiling both fondly and happily. It's been a while since I was fine and so I suspect they were all glad for the change. The dark side of my mind came up and made me briefly wonder if they were all mad at me for being so difficult to handle but I had suppressed the thought and forced myself to cone back to the real world and be content because I definitely needed a break.

"You okay?" was the first words greeted to me as I zoned back in the conversation which made me look up at Sarah who had been the one to silently whisper the question to me. I watched her for a bit in silence and noticed the worry in her eyes which made me smile softly. She'd always been a worrywart. I nodded at her and squeezed her hand.

"I'm alright."

I mean it.

"I just realized something important is all."

I just realized how much all of you mean to me

"No need to worry."

So don't worry about my silence.

"Everything will be alright."

I'll be fine.

"I promise."

I'll make sure of it.

I stared at her eyes and watched as she tried to decipher if I was lying or not. Finding that I was telling the truth, Sarah allowed herself to relax and squeezed my hand back.

"Everything will be just fine," She repeated my words making me smile. "It will be," I said to her before sitting up from my position on her lap and joining the conversation my other friends were having.

"I agree, Mason does seem gay to me."

My words caused all of them to laugh even as said person spluttered a retort before giving up and laughing along, knowing I meant no harm. Laughing along with them, I stood up and gestured for all of them to follow me, which they did even though they were all noticeably confused.

"Come on. Let's go ruin a random couple's day on Valentine's."

That certainly got them grinning before following me as I ran back to the school and out of the school fields, all of us laughing as we all thought of ways to prank our other friends who were couples and ruin their day before making it up to them. This is what Valentine's was supposed to be about. No, I don't mean ruining other people's life — It's fun, yeah, but that isn't what it's about, we just did that because of a joke and since we were all pranking couples that we knew so it was no harm. I meant so say that Valentine's isn't about finding a guy or girl to spend time with and be your Valentine. Sure, maybe it kinda is about that but it's also about spending time with your loved ones and reminding them how much you love them. Who knew it would take me seeing my crush confess to another girl to realize that Valentine's is so much more than a day for couples? |

Publish Draft?

Yes | No

Draft Published

02 / 14 /20

"I joke around not because I don't take seriously but because I'm scared of admitting that it's real and it's serious and that we could all die. I don't want that, so I laugh and I joke but never think that I don't care, because I do. I always have."

— Behind my jokes