Tw Sh Mention - Tumblr Posts
you guys aren’t ready for the John’s S/H scars conversation
Hate it when my coworkers ask me how I’m doing. Like, fuck off. You don’t want an answer. You want an “I’m doing alright, how are you?” which is a fucking lie and makes me feel bad for being a liar. But you don’t want the truth. And when I tell you, you look at me like I’m the crazy one here for… *checks notes* being honest? If you didn’t want me to say, “I can’t tell if I wanna die, cut myself, try to get high off my meds, quit this job and disappear, or just go to sleep,” then you shouldn’t have fucking asked.
Also, loving how whenever my mood gets bad, my pain gets worse, and the other way around. It’s a cycle that I can’t escape from and all I wanna do is sleep all day. But I have fucking insomnia.
I really never had a chance, huh? Born a month early, low muscle tone, barely ate anything for the first eight months of my life. Chemical imbalance in my brain. Always in pain. Hurting myself since before I could remember. Tried to end it at seven years old. Funny. Most kids learn to read at seven. I was learning want drowning felt like. My first memory. Never had any friends. Ignored because my brother was the loud one. Abused in every way there is. Victim of medical malpractice, but there’s no evidence I could use to make a case. Abandoned time and time again. Made to think that it’s my fault. More scars on my skin than days in my life, if I had to guess.
I try to tell myself that it’s all just a dream. That any moment now, I’ll wake up, I’ll be that innocent kid again. Free. Happy. Not in pain. But I never was, was I? This has always been my life.
I guess all I can do is try to convince myself that there’s a reason for it all, right? That there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. That my years of silent agony are for something. Because if I can’t believe that, I’ll go mad, won’t I?
But let me tell you a secret. I don’t believe a word I say. Maybe I am insane. Whatever that means.
I call myself Roadkill because of my past life. Oath because I promised myself I would stop letting other people tell me who I am. And Carrion because of my constant pain making me feel already gone.
Guide to Recovery
Below is a link to a google doc I made on my experience with dealing with self-harm and how I work every day to recover. It is in no way a complete guide, nor am I a professional in any way. It's just my experience. If you have anything you believe should be added, feel free to tell me.
I did not include any images in the document, and will not put in any. This is for two reasons. One, because I don't want to trigger anyone. That's the opposite of my goal here. And two, because I'm not good at writing image ID's, and I want to make it easy for those who use screen readers. If you have suggestions regarding the formatting, font size, and other aspects, tell me and I will do what I can to improve this guide.
I always forget about dazais ability do every now and then I have a nice thought like "Kunikida hurts dazai so much so he has to get his injuries healed by yosano and therefore gets his self inflicted injuries healed too" but then I realize that that wouldn't work and I'm sad :(
People who refuse to understand that cvtting for attention is valid make me so, so angry. Because i'm not talking about someone who does it because they want to hurt someone else/do it as "revenge" against someone to make them feel bad, I'm talking about someone who cvts to get attention because they know something is wrong, but they don't know what that something is and they can't articulate it.
If someone is resorting to cvtting themselves to get you to look at them and pay attention to them and you brush it off as just being dramatic and attention seeking, you're not helping. And usually, a lot of us hide our sh for a reason! Even if we've been clean for a while! I hid my scars for nearly a year because I didn't want anyone to know, but even if I didn't even if I showed someone to ask for help in the only way I knew how, that would've been valid.
I haven’t have sh urges in a while, but today isn’t going well and I just feel like shit. I want to hurt myself so bad but I’m for once really trying not too
Reminds me that the thoughts will never go awey no matter how much I try
tw s/h
please let me know how to do aftercare for deep cuts (styro and beans) i already have too many cuts that got infected
"PSYCHOSIS" IS MY TRUE MIND
Positive and Negative is a limited mindset
Fuck sex
Fuck love
Omg! Twinning!!!!
