Tw Substance Abuse - Tumblr Posts

Redraw of a little something I did on my birthday two years ago!

I have half a bottle of limoncello in my room and I was contemplating drinking it because oh boy I have had a day

Then I remembered where the other half of the bottle went: when my now removed from my household cousin was living with me and some bad shit happened to her and she ended up literally spinning in fucking circles whilst also sitting in like w position and knocking her head off my floor

Like I’m remembering the consequences of limoncello but I’m still also considering it

Hate it when my coworkers ask me how I’m doing. Like, fuck off. You don’t want an answer. You want an “I’m doing alright, how are you?” which is a fucking lie and makes me feel bad for being a liar. But you don’t want the truth. And when I tell you, you look at me like I’m the crazy one here for… *checks notes* being honest? If you didn’t want me to say, “I can’t tell if I wanna die, cut myself, try to get high off my meds, quit this job and disappear, or just go to sleep,” then you shouldn’t have fucking asked.

Also, loving how whenever my mood gets bad, my pain gets worse, and the other way around. It’s a cycle that I can’t escape from and all I wanna do is sleep all day. But I have fucking insomnia.

CW// non detailed discussion of suicidal ideation and addiction *in the context of recovery*

Clancy is my "met me exactly where I was" album. This is all my personal interpretation ofc, and i excluded lore, but regardless, I still find it. so. deeply relatable.

I'm at a place in my life where I'm far enough away from my Rock Bottom to know I do not have --or maybe do not give myself--the option to go back. And I know (personally and from the people ive met while in treatment) being met with the path your past self carved for you now while in the pits of misery is disheartening, to say the least.

When you're in that kind of dark place, I think a lot of people just settle there. There's a cognitive dissonance that sets in. You KNOW you're doing nothing for (if not actively sabotaging) your future but when you're finally out of it. It's. Scary.

The way I've always described it is "When I'm not at rock bottom I can see how far the fall is"

A lot of people joke about "I wasn't supposed to live this long," but there really is a lot of terror and frustration that implies. Life in recovery from mental illness and/or substance abuse sometimes it feels like you're detective, victim, and suspect all at once. Trying to frantically piece together a life you didn't even WANT to be living. But you have to keep going, you don't know why but you just have to.

God I don’t want to go to this volunteering. I should have backed out last week and yet I stayed for some insane reason and now I have to get up at FIVE AM WHEN I HAVEN’T FUCKING SLEPT AT ALL.

For context: its 4:53 am.

All I want to do is get so drunk I don’t remember anything at all. Is that so bad??

Is it just me who literally cANNOT DRINK SOCIALLY??

Like. If I’m drinking it’s to the point where the hangover is the worst, and that I’m numb to the world. I don’t know how to have ‘just one drink’. It’s either I can’t feel anything but blissful numbness or nothing at all.

And at the moment, it’s becoming more obvious that I’d literally rather starve than not drink.

So we just had the housing guy come round bc of something, and then the staff basically asked him to ask me to go into my room because I haven’t let them in today —which, okay, my bad but also, I’m AUTISTIC?! I need a fucking warning, and they didn’t give me one and they said oh we didn’t think you needed one and then I proceeded to cry in front of the guy because I got overwhelmed and I just. GAH.

Like yes my room is a mess. I know that. I can fucking see that! But I am working on it for fucks sake. I am currently in one of my lows and it’s making me want to fucking die and he doesn’t understand that and neither do they and I just. I am crying as I type and I hate it. I want to die or get drunk to the point of being hospitalised because at least then they’d see how bad I’ve gotten because if they have seen they sure as shit haven’t SAID ANYTHING.

And I just. I’m 23 and I hate being alive. I have hated being alive since I was a child. I literally spent most of my life wanting to be dead. I thought I’d be dead by now. And so here I am, no fucking clue on how to live, and unfortunately still alive. And I don’t need bullshit people told me about ‘oh it gets better’ IVE BEEN LIKE THIS SINCE I WAS FUCKING FIVE. I WANTED TO DIE AT FIVE.

And I’m 23 now. That’s 18 years of wanting to die. Nearly two decades and yet people go ‘oh it’ll get better’. Fuck that bullshit. It hasn’t in nearly two decades. It hasn’t since the day I felt like I died when I was a child and it probably never fucking will. So don’t give me some bullshit platitude that doesn’t mean shit.

You know that TikTok that goes ‘I do this bullshit like eight times a week’? Yeah that’s my mood swings and it’s in a ✨d a y✨

12: 25 am thought:

I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. Im not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored. I’m not hungry, I’m just bored.