Dontwannabealive - Fat Cow - Tumblr Blog

It’s been a bit more than a month, I’m back with my sh and ana bullshit on tumblr guys

I am in a constant state of mourning

I just need a month

A month to just fucking lose myself

A month of not being able to get out of bed

A month of not taking care of myself

A month of barely eating

A month of no responsibilities

A month of SH

A month of substance abuse

A month please

And then I’ll get my shit together

I promise

I bought new razors and the guilt of hiding them from my roommate is getting to me

it’s like I know they’re there but they don’t

and that somehow makes me feel worse

they think that I’m doing better

how do I tell them that I’m not?

does anyone else hold off their bodily functions until they accomplish something?

like earlier I held my pee in for almost 2 hours until I finished my math homework

you’d think I’d run out of tears by now

I like when I feel empty

I'm a failure

👀👀👀

<3

okay ik I said I hate eating but I literally just took the FATTEST shit for the first time in like a week😳 I feel sm better now lmao

why can't you take the fucking hint that I don't wanna be here any longer?

I don't know what more to say or do to make you worry.

Hey, whatever drove you to your eating disorder, I just wanted to say I’m sorry.

Weather it was a fatphobic comment overheard during class, or bullying, or a “health” obsessed parent, or a society saturated in diet culture, or trauma, or anything else; I’m sorry.

You were wronged. You may never hear it from the people or things that influenced it, so hear it from me.

You deserve better.

I’m sorry.

maybe my ed isnt about getting skinnier, maybe it’s about looking as sick as possible so people around me would get worried and start caring about me

I genuinely believe that no one can ever love me for me and that really hurts

I just want to be loved as deeply as I love others

Don't ever hesitate. Reblog this. TUMBLR RULE. When you see it, REBLOG IT.

Depression Hotline:1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline:1-800-784-8433

LifeLine:1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project:1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support:1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline:1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault:1-800-656-4673

Grief Support:1-650-321-5272

Runaway:1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale:After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

Child Abuse:1-800-422-4453

UK Helplines:

Samaritans (for any problem):08457909090 e-mail jo@samaritans.org

Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem):08001111

Mind infoline (mental health information):0300 123 3393 e-mail: info@mind.org.uk

Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice):0300 466 6463 legal@mind.org.uk

b-eat eating disorder support:0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: help@b-eat.co.uk

b-eat youthline (for under 25’s with eating disorders):08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)

Cruse Bereavement Care:08444779400 e-mail: helpline@cruse.org.uk

Frank (information and advice on drugs):0800776600

Drinkline:0800 9178282

Rape Crisis England & Wales:0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail info@rapecrisis.org.uk

Rape Crisis Scotland:08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight

India Self Harm Hotline:00 08001006614

India Suicide Helpline:022-27546669

Kids Help Phone (Canada):1-800-668-6868, Free and available 24/7

suicide hotlines;

Argentina:54-0223-493-0430

Australia:13-11-14

Austria:01-713-3374

Barbados:429-9999

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(Hong Kong:2389-2222)

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Czech Republic:222-580-697, 476-701-908

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Finland:040-5032199

France:01-45-39-4000

Germany:0800-181-0721

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Holland:0900-0767

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(Singapore:1-800-221-4444)

Mexico:525-510-2550

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Trinidad and Tobago:868-645-2800

Ukraine:0487-327715

Deathless by Catherynne M. Valente

it hurts a lot

I don't know why I'm crying

Help me choose what to eat tomorrow!

Option 1🍏:

Gerber apple cinnamon puffs ( 150)

1 cup unsweetened almond milk (30)

*I would eat this like cereal for a total of 180 calories

Option 2🐟:

3 packets of lemon pepper tuna (210)

pickles (0)

* I would mix together for a total of 210 cal

Option 3🍄:

mushrooms (~15)

1/4 cup of Jasmine rice ( 160)

2 tbsps of low sodium soy sauce (20)

* I would stir it all together to make a mushroom rice for a total of 195 calories

Option 4🥣:

2/3 cup of Greek nonfat plain yogurt (130)

1 green apple (95)

1 tbsp of cinnamon (19)

*I would stir it all together for a delicious apple cinnamon yogurt for a total of 244 calories

every now and again I can't help but think that I'm the problem, that I deserve everything that's ever happened to me just because of who I am

I'll never be good enough and I think I'm starting to accept that

I hate every part of me

my face

my back

my arms

my legs

my stomach

my feet

I look in the mirror nowadays and can't even recognize who I used to be

I'm a stranger in my own body

I'm literally so tired all the time

I can feel it seeping into my bones

it's cold outside and I just want to sleep

it's weird I went for binging like crazy to actually being able to starve myself with having the urge to eat everything in site

it's been about a week and I've only eaten 470 in total these past 7 days

I keep alternating between starving myself one day and then eating very low cal foods the next and so on

I thought I would feel a lot more hungrier but I don't?

weird.