Empty Inside - Tumblr Posts
Well scratch that last post about my 1st real date nonsense. Considering the fact the guy finally told me the truth this evening. He actually already has a girlfriend. But he's being indecisive about her. And its showing too. Because he doesn't want to let me go now that we've met, yet he flips his words and basically friend zones me and says we wouldn't last long. Makes assumptions in regards to my son and him and his real dad, if something were to happen to me. Says one day he wants kids of his own, but with me being in my late 30s that won't be possible by the time he feels he's finally ready for a kid. I knew deep down inside this was just yet another big fat joke. A big fat waste of time. My life journey/path dangles a good prospect right in front of me only to yank it away forever. This is what I get for enjoying myself and opening up. Back to shutting down again.
I keep losing the people closest to me and I can’t keep doing it anymore
I feel so alone
I have no reason to live but no energy to kill myself
I’m late
running
I feel the perspiration
like a looming deadline
Here I am
I’ve been preached
eleven years
I’m finally here
waves flow
through one ear and out the other
drifting In ‘n Out
they stand
I’m gone
Picked and Prodded
like the little kids
Poking a dead animal
They’re on the playground
I’m under the tree
Throwing fairy dust
It’s in my eyes
I open them
i’m back
In the pile of boxes
With boxes inside
and boxes in those
Finally circles
But besides those
The lost illusion
Of magic
Comes back now
In the present
The waves are now a tsunami of noise
And after
A united appreciation
In sync they applaud
Mirrors
reflections of not-quite what I’ve been taught
The city is not the glossy book I read
With the preacher
Over my shoulder
Telling me what to see
But I’m here now
Or back
On my own
And my prescription is changing
And my eyes have opened
And it’s over
The rooms and gritty brown carpet
Patched with tape
The thin walls with hidden doors
With gaps i passed through
The Times were good It all carefree lest you remember
but I remember now
And I’ll never forget
New goal : weigh 110 lbs by thanksgiving
I think it will be really easy so I’ll probably be lower by then and I’ve already lost some weight and I’m so happy abt it!