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Peter: Uh, Charles?

Peter: Are we allowed to have sleepovers?

Charles: . . .

Charles: Peter, you’re twenty six. 

Peter: Is that a no?

Charles: You’re a grown man, you can make your own decisions.

Peter: Team sleepover!

Scott: Yas!

Jean: Yas!

Jubilee: Yas!

Ororo: Yas!

Jean: Scott, you have to plan, think, and be patient.

Scott: Pietro is in danger.

Jean: Don’t kill yourself.

Scott: Pietro! Danger! I have to go! Now!

Jean: SCOTT, THINK.

Scott: PIETRO MY BELOVED I WILL GIVE MY LIFE TO SAVE YOU!!!

Jean: SCOTT!

Peter: You tryna get a kiss, dude?

Scott: . . .

Peter: A little kissy kiss, dude?

Scott: . . .

Peter: Dude? A smooch on the lips, dude? A smooch, dude?

Scott: Yes! Oh my god! Why do you always have to make this so difficult?!?!

Pietro: Don’t be mean to your father!

Jubilee: You’re mean to your father!

Pietro: My father can take it.

Raven: I have an amazing memory. Name one time I forgot something.

Kurt: You left me in a Walmart parking lot just last week!

Raven: That was on purpose, try again.

Jubilee: Where were you? We were worried!

Scott: Don’t worry, Jubes. I was meeting someone who may have changed my life!

Kurt: You met a girl!

Jubilee: What’s her name?! Emma?! Madelyn?! Joanna?!

Scott: Pietro . . .

Kurt: Terrific!!

Scott: No! He’s a member of the brotherhood.

Jubilee: Wonderful!

Scott: No! He’s a thief!

Kurt: Oh.

Jubilee: Scott, you do not have my permission to fuck a thief.

Scott: Oh my god.

Cyclops: Thanks, Cap. This meeting was fun.

Captain America: Summers, just take you twink and go.

Quicksilver:

Cyclops:

Quicksilver: That’s just unfair.

Part 1

Alex: I can’t take this! I’ve hit my limit!

Hank: It’s literally just broccoli . . .

Scott: Okay, now that you have a girlfriend I feel comfortable talking about my own love life!

Jean: Go on?

Scott: Quicksilver’s hot!

Jean: . . .

Jean: Get out.

Scott: You’ve never once done jury duty or paid your taxes!

Pietro: Not until gay marriage is legalized everywhere.

Scott: . . . what?

Pietro: I stand by that.

Scott: What the fuck?

Pietro: Reporters always ask us how we manage three kids with such different mutations so easily.

Scott: The secret is, we don’t. We have no control of them whatsoever.

Pietro: Earlier, Nate called my name and when I went to see what was going on, John shot me in the throat with a nerf gun before Luna tackled me to the floor.

Scott: You have got to stop breaking into my house.

Pietro: I wouldn’t have to if you just gave me the key!

Pietro: I don’t think I can mansplain, manipulate, manwhore our way out of this situation.

Scott: Manslaughter it is.

Scott: Did I get anything out of this experience? No. It was completely and totally uneventful.

Jubilee: He kissed a guy!!!

Scott: No, I didn’t!

Ororo: Yes, you did!

Scott: Didn’t!

Jubilee: Diiiiiiiiiiid!!!

Scott: Did! Not!

Ororo: Did!

Jubilee: Did, did, did, did, did! Di di di did di di di did!!!

Jean: Babe, I can break this tie.

Jean: *holds up a photo of Pietro kissing Scott*

Ororo: He totally did!

John: Luna’s at Olympic and Twentieth? That’s the old salvage yard where kids go to get high.

Scott: What?! We’re going there right now!

Pietro: Wait. Are you sure, John?

John: Ocko, I’m going to answer and then I’m gonna walk away. Deal?

Pietro: Deal.

John: I’m 420% sure.

Pietro: . . .

Scott: Wow, he’s bad at math!

Pietro: Scott was late to family dinner for the third time in a row so I changed my phone’s background into a picture of one of my exes.

Jean: You guys have been married for a decade, do you really think Scott is that insecure?

Scott: *yelling from the other room* PIETRO! WHY THE FUCK IS CRYSTAL YOUR LOCK SCREEN?!

Jubilee: Do you notice something different about Peter?

Scott: Well, Peter’s his own thing. We’ve had sex in like three different houses and I’m not totally sure any of them were his.

Pietro: You can’t just lie here in the dark while listening to eighties music!

Scott: I could have, if you hadn’t turned on my lights and shut off my speakers.

Nate: Any chance that’s for me?

John: It’s for Ocko. I’m planning on making some bad choices tonight and I need him on my side.

Luna: I never realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.

Scott: Are you single?

Pietro: I’m an Avenger, in your eyes a criminal, and you have arrested me multiple times for stealing and collaborating with my father.

Scott: But do you like guys?

Pietro: “Get married and have kids,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said.

Nate: PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!

John: IT’S TOO BIG TO SMOTHER!! GET THE ANTI-FLAMETHROWER!

Luna: It’s called a fire extinguisher. FIRE. EXTINGUISHER.

Scott: JOHN LITERALLY HAS A FIRE MUTATION! JUST CONTROL IT!

Pietro: Don’t. Don’t if you value your sanity.

Jubilee: Scott and Pietro seem to be playing their own separate game, and it’s called Let’s see how uncomfortable we can make our teammates by flirting at fights.

Jean: And they’re both winning.

Blob: I can’t believe you live nearby and you won't let anyone crash at your place.

Pietro: You people already know too much about me.

Toad: I know exactly three facts about you and one of them is that you don’t let any of us crash at your place.