Incorrect Batman Quotes - Tumblr Posts

Tim, whispered in a super creepy voice: Am I insane…probably…*gasp* yay

Jason, on the phone: Hello, is this arkham asylum? I have a patient for you

My favourite thing ever is when Jason is drawn to resemble Bruce because I KNOWW his ass would HATE it😭😭

Dick: hey Jason you haven’t forgotten our meet u— oh my god are you ok?? What happened?

Jason *rocking back and forth on the floor with a traumatised look in his eyes, whispering in horror* someone mistook me for Bruce in the grocery store today.

Random kid at a charity event pointing at Jason standing grumpily in a corner: who’s that?

Bruce (smiling fondly): that’s my son Jason!

Random kid: he looks like you! :D

Jason: *leaves the room*

Bruce (running after him): jason, Jason they didn’t mean anything by it, Jason, you’re going to jump off a balcony just because of a child’s observation Jason?

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.

Jason: Dick, stop repressing your trauma!

Dick: I’m not repressing my trauma, I’m repressing my murderous instincts.

Jason: Yeah, and your trauma.

Dick: I don’t have trauma.

Tim: You’re proving his point. You do realize that, right?

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.

Duke: I love how unproblematic firefighters are. They just want to put out the fires.

Dick, gazing darkly into the distance: I used to think that.

Duke: That was so ominous? What the fuck did firefighters do to you?

Bruce Wayne, trying to go over the case of a murder victim but very confused: Tim, why are you wearing sunglasses in the Cave?

Tim Drake, wearing sunglasses to cover up his black eye that he got last night because there was no patrol but he and his siblings went for a joyride in the Batmobile and events led to his head slamming into the steering wheel: uhhhh

Dick Grayson, very desperately trying to hide this fact from Bruce because he's supposed to be the responsible elder sibling: B, if I may. Tim spoke to us all about a week ago about wearing sunglasses to all murder briefings moving forward to show respect for the dead. I simply forgot. And Jason refused because he has no value for human life.

Jason Todd, very much enjoying watching his brothers squirm but playing along because it's definitely his fault Tim's head slammed into the steering wheel: It's true, I don't.

Batman: You brought a date to a crime scene?

Nightwing, holding Kid Flash's hand: It was either this or ice skating.

Did... Is that-

Huh. I do that, dont I?

I have been told before what my actions do to other people, yes I'm short, no I will not ask for your assistance FUCK OFF-

tim: What’s it like being tall?

dick: Is it nice?

duke: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?

jason, glancing at damian: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb four chairs, two boxes, a small coffee table, and six oddly placed stools to get what they want.

damian: I’ve never been in a snowball fight before. I don’t know the rules.

tim : What?

damian: Is there a point system, or is it to the death?

dick:

tim:

jason: to the death

Tim: Can we stay with you tonight?

Dick: Both of you? What happened?

Damian: Someone was playing with an ouija board and cursed the whole Manor.

Tim: Jason wasn’t any help. He doesn’t know how to banish spirits, so he’s just throwing salt at them yelling “does this look like a hotel to you!?”

Bruce: who are you? A new crime lord?

Jason: *takes off his helmet*

Bruce: *squints suspiciously* a new crime lord who looks like a grown up version of my dead son?

Jason: *sighs in annoyance and forces a bright smile*

Bruce: JASON THE NEW CRIME LORD???

Half of his employee's are now just people who have tried to kidnap him/low-scale villains or teenagers off the street that he enrolls in a youth program at W.E.

At Wayne Tower

Bruce: [congenially] So, Miguel, why do you want to work for Wayne Enterprises?

Miguel: My name isn't-

"Miguel":

"Miguel": Mr. Wayne, I'm not here for an interview, I'm kidnapping you. This is a hostage situation.

Bruce: [leading "Miguel" away with his arm over his shoulders] ahaha, what a splendid sense of humor! You'll fit right in.

"Miguel": [adjusting his ski-mask] Mr Wayne-

Bruce: You know, Bertha told me you were funny. I should know by now; Bertha is always right!

"Miguel": [tries to unholster his gun, but Bruce's grip is too tight] I'm not here to work for you-

Bruce: [smiling sunnily] So, tell me, which department do you want to work in? Anywhere but the robotics lab, ok chum? Oh and don't take my job haha

"Miguel": I- But-

-Later that Night-

A Gotham Crook called Beanie: Wait, did you say you work for W.E. now?!

"Miguel": [head in his hands] I work in design

Beanie: I thought you went there to kidnap Bruce Wayne?

"Miguel": [looks up] I TRIED! He's just- Beanie, I swear that man is dumber than rocks

Beanie: He didn't know you were kidnapping him?

"Miguel": [pulling his hair] He took me to meet my new co-workers! Three-Toed Trevor was there!

Beanie: From over by the Narrows? I thought he disappeared

"Miguel": He did! He tried to rob Bruce Wayne and now he's a corporate stooge!

Beanie:

"Miguel": [sobbing] I have to wear a tie

words are really, really, really fucking annoying sometimes okay?

for full discretion: yes, those nudes are from the sims, why did you ask?

Clark: Bruce, this is an intervention.

Bruce: ...

Diana: It's about the adoptions.

Bruce: [scoffs]

Oliver: You have too many fucking kids Brucie. How do you even tell them apart?

Bruce: [glaring] Oh really? Why don't we ask my children if they think I have a "problem"? Surely their opinion should be considered?

---At the Manor---

Bruce: [to Tim] Do you think I adopt too many children?

Tim: Oh please tell me you didn't. What's this one? Assassin? Alien? Vengeful ghost?

Steph: Vengeful Alien Assassin Ghost?

Bruce: [to Jason] do you-

Jason: I'm here because Alfred made cupcakes. Don't presume that means you can talk to me.

Bruce: Dick! Do you think I adopt too many children?

Dick: You're an adult B. Just remember that if you take in another kid YOU have to take care of it, I've got my hands full with the last one.

Bruce: [to Cass] what about you?

Cass: [signs] I also will not take care of it

Bruce: [to Damian] do I adopt too many-

Damian: Yes. To rectify it, you should disown Drake.

Tim: [from the other side of the room] HEY- FUCK YOU TOO

Bruce: [to Billy Batson] do you think I adopt too many children?

Clark: Bruce, that's not one of yours

Bruce: [confused] what?

Billy: [to Damian] am I adopted now?

Jason: yes

Oliver: See, this proves-

Bruce: [to Jon Kent] do you-

Clark: HEY! That one's mine!

Steph: [from behind him, in a creepy voice] Not anymore

Jason, Tim, Cass, and Duke: [chanting] One of us! One of us! One of us!

Clark: [genuinely distraught] Diana! Make them stop! Jon you're not allowed to visit here anymore!

dick: i love sleepovers

bruce: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the infirmary

dick: then what is this sweet party drink?

bruce: that’s a blood transfusion. I’m giving it to you so you don’t die.

dick: truth or dare

bruce:

dick:

bruce: dare

*Bruce, after having some kind of oral surgery, high asf on the drugs*

The league: *casually hanging out at the watchtower*

Bruce: *gasp*

Everyone: *startled and worried* what's wrong???

Bruce: im a dilf

Teen Bruce (actually just me projecting lol sorry y'all)

Bruce: *gets thrown a condom in the middle of class by a classmate* wtf do you expect me to do with this???? Like I have a gf??? Or a dick?

--

Bruce, *internally*: Maybe if I sit really still the teacher will forget I'm here and I won't have to take the exam

--

Barbara: what kind of music are ya listening to?

Jason: radio static, because it's the only thing that accurately portrays my thoughts and feelings about this prison of a reality

Bruce: amen kiddo ill drink to that

--

Bruce: this literally tastes like ass

Ollie: how would you know what ass tastes like lol?

Bruce: you've SEEN my snapchat Oliver, figure it out.

--

Bruce, *texting*: alfie pls come pick me up before I eat a fourth orange

the batfam as things my friends have said

bruce: how many pets does everyone have?

jason: none… but technically one because tim’s my bitch

dick: wHAT

jason: oops that was a bit loud

tim: i’ve had thirty minutes of hallucinated sleep and four shots of espresso— oh hi damian

damian: i literally said hi to you ten minutes ago you’ve been ranting about computer science

bruce: these are my children

selina: hi children

dick: nods mom

jason: sup mommyyy

steph: im hungry

jason: hi hungry, im—

steph: homicidal? yeah, we know

dick: im glad nobody knows what you talk about because you’d probably go to jail

cass: dick you’re such a hater you know that?

a platonic!dick x platonic!jason for jaybird’s birthday

bc this is real and actually them?? (they showed me themselves)