Affair - Tumblr Posts

The Anatomy of Jealousy

If I could stretch my fingers into tendrils across this table

interlaced intertwined the way I want to be with you burrowing seeking the source

through dermis and tissue at your throat till you swallow me as I have you uncounted times I will penetrate your heart so deeply embedded in your ventricles that you cannot live without the presence of me

and then no other can have you.

Monday 1955

We touch on it from time to time, and I tell you the same always: you've never given me false hope.

Except

you have.

Every time you tell me you're in love with me. Every time you tell me it's fading for her. Every time you tell me about the conflict in your soul, every time you claim me as yours;

hope flickers.

Sunday 1120

I dreamed of you last night, dreamed that you were ready to leave her and come to me.

Dear God, my dreams are cruel.

Monday 1332

I do not ever pray for you to leave her, oh no, I am too righteous for that; or superstitious, what have you.

I pray that you are happy. I pray that you find peace.

Most of all I pray that there is a resolution to this mess, sooner please, than later.

Saturday 1945

I can't breath without you.

Sunday 0726

I dreamed about you last night.

Just like I prayed to.

Tuesday 2208

I would give anything to dream of you tonight.

Friday 1140

I dreamed of you last night, startled arms captured, you leaned in for a kiss

and I was yours.

It's always her for you;

and always you for me.

The Color of Irony

Does it even register with you who you are talking to

When you sob about her ignoring you all the time?

Saturday 2325

So it was another day where I was alone yet in this stranglehold and I think I think I think again as always I can't take this much more will you make up your mind damn you decide what you want because

I deserve to walk down the street hand in hand with someone who's not ashamed of me and you won't give me that but you won't give me the freedom to find it elsewhere and

I'm trapped in this half life, half existence and you are slowly suffocating me why won't you just choose just choose and love but

Reality is that you already did.

By The Fingertips

It is to my dad that I finally say it out loud, the confession hatched like an ugly egg from deep in my throat:

I wish we would just get caught, and let the chips fall where they may.

I wish that one way or another this could finally be over.

54 Grit

"But it would be nice you know? If I was coming home to someone who cares, someone who is proud of the work I do"

Your lips are abrading my skin, excoriating while you hold my hand, sanding me open into a bleeding wound. And I am mute as always, eyes flicking away before you can see the damage done so thoughtlessly, throat clenching because because because because it's only like this

by

your

choice.

Monday 1735

I finally realized it today, you are never going to leave her.

No matter how much I love you. No matter who I walk away from.

You are never, ever going to be mine.

Thursday 2204

You told me we would still be friends.

You told me we would still be friends.

You told me we would still be friends.

You told me we would still be friends.

You told me we would still be friends.

You told me we would still be friends.

You told me we would still be friends.

You told me we would still be friends.

You told me we would still be friends.

You told me we would still be friends.

You told me we would still be friends.

You told me we would still be friends.

You told me we would still be friends.

You told me we would still be friends.

You told me we would still be friends.

You told me we would still be friends.

No Rules

I try with everything I have to remain passionless against the words falling from your mouth, poison deadly belladonna words, words from a language we both speak, words that are safer somehow in their clinical distance.

And then I am holding you, our fingers interlaced, your lips on my neck, and we are human, merely mortals seeking comfort in the only way we know, we touch, we touch, we touch, because if we touch enough, somehow it will all be ok.

I prayed for you tonight. I don't know if my prayers mean much these days, but I'll grasp at anything.

I have to believe everything will be ok.

Wednesday 2155

I hurt myself today

Because she's with you right now

And it's the only way I can cope with it

Saturday 2158

I dreamed of you last night; that your wife died on Christmas day, and that I hovered around you like some sort of compassionate vulture.

I disgust myself.

Monday 2110

You play slow and I wonder if you are drinking tonight

If you have drank enough to kiss her the way you kissed me

If you have drank enough to tell me you love me one more time

Christmas, 2019

You are there, and I am here, and everything has changed forever. Nothing matters but that.

Tuesday 1923

Christmas, 2017:

You are gone you are gone it is over and I eat uncounted tranquilizers to blunt the broken shards of my soul. I lie mindless on my bed willing my heart to stop beating, vessels to stop pulsing, if I could stop breathing by sheer force of will I would, because you are gone; nothing matters but that.

Christmas, 2018:

I have lost count of the times you have told me you love me today, I need nothing else. You love me; nothing matters but that.