Struggles - Tumblr Posts
the urge to trash my current wip just so i can have an adult character with kids as a love interest. literally that’s the only thing ik about this story-
why do people feel the need to deadname you when talking about the past
i didn't get replaced by some trans guy, you don't gotta pretend like I wasn't trans back then
UGH i have to come out to an old friend, cause he doesn't even know I've changed myt name
fuck being trnas man i wanna skip all this nervous stuff
Idk how any trans person could exist to the age of getting medicien
Im almost 17 and i avoid reflective surfaces like the plague. Feel like shit every day 😃😃😃😃
I just thought that this was important for people to see and forget about their ideas that there’s only one way of being strong. Cinderella helped me go through bullies for the longest time. To have courage and be kind thought me you don’t have to be bad because bad things happens to you, there’s still hope and you should never kill who you truly are because of bad people.
I just thought this set of tweets was really important.
honsetly, if I had someone remind me every day that I'm doing great and that they love me then I think that would solve a lot of problems
going from an all girls school to a coed school is a serious culture shock. like why are all the boys mysoginistic assholes and why are all the girls trying to change themselves for the boys???
why can’t I meet a nice boy, who will treat me good and bring me flowers and chocolate and always support me and everyone.
why can’t I meet a girl who isn’t a pick me lesbian or a loud bisexual. a girl who is okay with being quiet with me and walking with me and talking about books i like.
why can’t I meet someone who likes me for me and not for the attention?
I’m worried that I’m not #actuallyautistic because no, I’ve never been diagnosed. And I worry because... I don’t show as many traits as other people do. Or maybe I just have ADHD that’s undiagnosed. Or maybe it’s the depression and anxiety that IS diagnosed that’s causing things because of a lack of coping skills. And I’m worried because... what if I’m just thinking these things and starting to voice them for attention even though I don’t like attention? What if I just can’t make it in a neurotypical world, but I don’t have anything that would “justify” it? How can my few problems in my little life that I could solve “if I just tried harder” really be a good image for autism when so many other people need more support? When I’ve seen so many other families ripped apart over their child’s needs or so many kids without friends because they’re too “different” or “weird?”
So I don’t know if I’m actually autistic. I don’t know if I have ADHD. I don’t know if I “absorb too much” when I read posts about autism. I don’t know if the more I read about these things, the more I see things that aren’t there. Some of them are so right on the mark that I almost cry that there’s a post of someone else’s experience that’s just like mine. Some are relatable but not a perfect fit. I see myself in traits here or there, but others not as much. And then I worry again. I wonder if I really experience these things or if I’m faking. I wonder if it’s the masking that they mention that’s just become so embedded in my psyche, or if that’s how neurotypical people “grow up” and act “as adults.”
And I wonder why I struggle so much in this world.
The hardest part is just accepting that I may never have a definite answer. I may never get a diagnosis, or I may be misdiagnosed or completely missed especially since I am born and raised female. And I ask myself if I can really allow myself into the autistic community because... do I really belong? I don’t have any issues being viewed as autistic, but I don’t want to steal the spotlight for people that actually need it on social media. If I don’t have autism, I don’t want to misrepresent it.
So all I can do is write about how I feel and what I do know. I know I’ve been wondering if I am autistic since I was younger, but my parents dismissed it quickly. Only in recent years when I brought it up again has my mother relented and hinted that I may. Almost all of my friends are neurodivergent (I can’t actually think of any friends I have that are neurotypical). Many times I see myself in someone else’s post about their experiences with autism. Sometimes I recognize myself in mentioned traits. Sometimes I feel like I have traits that are missing from the lists. I’ve felt a stronger connection to children and adults in the adaptive room at my parents’ volunteer ski work than most random groups I’ve been put into, and even among other neurodivergent groups, there usually seems to be disconnect between me and the other members that they don’t experience with each other. I’ve never had a problem staying around the children in school that most kids were “put off” by, and I could always adapt quickly to people that other classmates or people my age have side eyes to. I just... didn’t and still don’t understand why those people couldn’t understand the ones they ostracized. It’s always been crystal clear. I usually wonder why I said a thing, why I repeated something when I didn’t need to, why why why did I say unnecessary but so, so important to me things at the most random times, and why do I like these temperatures, these types of air, my stuffed animals that are more than just toys but individuals that may not have names but most certainly have thoughts and feelings, and why can a single noise bring me panic and almost tears, why do certain sustained noises make me so angry and sick but I love my metal and emo and rock, and why is it that when my parents get mad at me that I go into a monotone voice that I can’t change and makes me sound insincere, and why did I learn most of my expressions and inflections from cartoons and anime and crime shows, all borrowed faces, borrowed voices, and now I have none to call my own except the way my face would suddenly twist and distort when I was happy or sad or nothing at all that did not match what I was feeling that I haven’t had in a while because I keep my face so busy now, and why can I focus so much better when I don’t look at the face of the person I’m talking to except a glance here or there to gauge their feelings outside of their voice and body, and why just why do I feel these things and not know if these are neurotypical things or because the depression or the anxiety or maybe, just maybe, because of autism with a side of ADHD.
What do I do? Perhaps I’ll never know.
Had to make a meme to describe me currently
I'm sorry that things are very hard for you, its very hard being neurodivergent and having to work jobs. I hope you are a bit easier on yourself, its okay to mess up. I think you're cool and I understand being trapped in such situation. I can't help or do anything about your situation but I wish you have some good time or free time for yourself sometime soon
Hi and thank you. I'm trying to be a little easier on myself, but it's kind of hard when you feel like a failure. On top of being abysmally inept in terms of anything social, I have the problem of being a young adult and steadily falling behind my peers. Every job I can get without a degree is terrible, especially where I live. The main problem is that I need one of these jobs to go to college and get a better one. I would kill to be able to do what I love for a living instead, but the way the world is going, it seems like I might just have to keep suffering. Maybe one day, I'll get to where I hope to be. I just hate to mess up, partially because of how I was raised. Nothing ever seemed to be quite enough. That, and anxiety, depressive tendencies, embarrassment, etc. Every little failure and setback will shatter me like an expensive vase, and it takes forever for me to gather all the peices and put them back together. That's another reason I can't go too easy on myself. It takes so long to recover. Maybe I'll get stronger though. Maybe one day I'll learn to be more resilient and life will be better.
All in all, things like this ask tend to give me a little more hope, no matter how small it is. Again, thank you for your kind words. I wish nothing but the best for you as well. I hope your life is good, fulfilling, warm, comfortable, and prosperous.
My firend snatched a WIG
Currently making fashion fears list. I'm slowly falling in love with wigs, but I'm so scared of the people reaction. I asked my friends about it and one of them was like "oh but you want some natural color wigs, because any other colors don't suit you" And my mind was like "I. WANT. A. FUCKING. MINT. COLORED. WIG. AND. WHAT. THE. HELL. YOU. MEAN. THAT. DOESN'T. SUIT. ME." So yeah, I'm actually struggling right now...
So, I was playing wwe 2k17 yesterday and I decided to create Boris from life of Boris and I kinda succeeded. I am not fully happy though. But yesterday was stressful and my phone also decided to go to 1%.
Soooo, I just have one picture atm. And it's not a full body one. I'll update at some point. But be sure that he wears original two stripe adibas because game and stuff.
Yes, his ushanka had to be closed, don't add me. Also, here a little special which I found cute while creating:
This is my style of writing. I call it "Missing Bits". I don't know why.
Had to make a meme to describe me currently
I sleep on my stomach (crazy, I know) but I struggle for way too long to get comfy because my boobs keep getting in the way!!!!
minsan sinasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko na strong akong tao at malalampasan ko ito. kaya lang minsan di na umeepekto eh. ganun ata talaga.
walang taong strong pag dating sa taong pinakakamahal mo lalo na kung siya ang mundo mo and he/she means everything to you.
Quote from Brene Brown about the church.
so did you do the rakugo thing for ijichi or...
Well, I tried my best. Glad he enjoyed it, but I was very embarassed for fumbling my words in the middle of it.
𝕊𝕙𝕖 𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪 𝕤𝕥𝕣𝕦𝕘𝕘𝕝𝕖 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕔𝕖𝕣𝕥𝕒𝕚𝕟 𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕕𝕤 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕁𝕒𝕡𝕒𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕖 𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕕𝕡𝕝𝕒𝕪.
Also glad that this wasn't the only thing we did for this day. It was overall a wonderful weekend together.
Do you ever wish there was a shazam app where instead of scanning for the song that’s playing you could recite everything you know about a forgotten fanfiction and it would find it for you