Loneliness - Tumblr Posts - Page 2
Truth
34 Excuses for Why We Failed at Love
by Warsan Shire
1. I’m lonely so I do lonely things 2. Loving you was like going to war; I never came back the same. 3. You hate women, just like your father and his father, so it runs in your blood. 4. I was wandering the derelict car park of your heart looking for a ride home. 5. You’re a ghost town I’m too patriotic to leave. 6. I stay because you’re the beginning of the dream I want to remember. 7. I didn’t call him back because he likes his girls voiceless. 8. It’s not that he wants to be a liar; it’s just that he doesn’t know the truth. 9. I couldn’t love you, you were a small war. 10. We covered the smell of loss with jokes. 11. I didn’t want to fail at love like our parents. 12. You made the nomad in me build a house and stay. 13. I’m not a dog. 14. We were trying to prove our blood wrong. 15. I was still lonely so I did even lonelier things. 16. Yes, I’m insecure, but so was my mother and her mother. 17. No, he loves me he just makes me cry a lot. 18. He knows all of my secrets and still wants to kiss me. 19. You were too cruel to love for a long time. 20. It just didn’t work out. 21. My dad walked out one afternoon and never came back. 22. I can’t sleep because I can still taste him in my mouth. 23. I cut him out at the root, he was my favorite tree, rotting, threatening the foundations of my home. 24. The women in my family die waiting. 25. Because I didn’t want to die waiting for you. 26. I had to leave, I felt lonely when he held me. 27. You’re the song I rewind until I know all the words and I feel sick. 28. He sent me a text that said “I love you so bad.” 29. His heart wasn’t as beautiful as his smile 30. We emotionally manipulated one another until we thought it was love. 31. Forgive me, I was lonely so I chose you. 32. I’m a lover without a lover. 33. I’m lovely and lonely. 34. I belong deeply to myself .
Why can’t I just fall in love?
Why does it feel so hard
to trust someone and
love them for who they are?
I tend to look at their flaws
so that I’ll avoid catching feelings
for them.
I hate being this way,
it feels like I’m the only one
thinking and trying to be safe like that.
if I get high, could I see the starts that once I dreamt off?
emotion that I will never get to experiencie
not because I'm not willing to
but because although I tried
all I see is an empty skyline
reminder of my solitude
❀ Pansy n°8 = Who are my / our Husbandos ?
*sigh*
You know how therapists say - at least tiktok ones :/ - that to be ready for a relationship you have to break off your imaginary ones first ? Well for me - and many people I’m sure - it is complicated to say goodbye to thousand that much fictive lives and lovers… Especially when it’s the only way I get to fall asleep, making up fake scenarios.
I dream so much about love, I’ve got to have it in some way, no ? Be it with fictional characters, celebrities, voice actors or even made up characters, I have to dream about a significant other loving up on me. Am I exposing myself too much ? Yes, yes I am … :/ But, f*ck it.
It is really easy to imagine a life with a celebrity as they are public personalities and we know so much about their lives. Too much… Moreover, your brain - and heart - does not make the difference between real people and fictional ones. That’s why you can feel truly heartbroken when a character you’ve grown attached to is sad or dies. Real or not, it makes no difference when emotions are thrown into the mix…
→ The way I realized this was true is pretty embarrassing but I’ll tell you anyway… I was young - around 17 - and in a big as well as deep spiderman / Tom Holland period. So much that it was concerning… :/ Then, pictures of Zendaya and Tom kissing came out and their relationship was outed. And… *sigh* My first reaction was crying. I felt heartbroken but mostly pathetic and embarrassed to be affected so much by it. I was disgusted by myself, because I was crying over something - someone - that had nothing to do with me. Yet it was a true awakening. After that I stopped - or at least I think I did :/ - to get THIS attached to my dumb celebrity crushes.
It also made me realize something really important.
We don’t know who our celebrity crushes are, not really. What we see of them is only through media, dramas, speculations… Their images are controlled and a source of income for many - *cough cough* paparazzis :/. Sadly, they don’t have the chance to live freely, away from camera lenses…
And we, their fandom, play a part in their objectification. It’s important to know that the person we have a crush on, write fictions about and obsess over is a made up version of them. It’s only how we picture them, how we’d like them to be. Not how they are, because we don’t know. We can’t know. And we shouldn’t, because they have a right to privacy.
We don’t know them, exactly how they don’t know each one of us.
So now, I see it more like having a crush on a fictional character. Because that’s what they become. They have made up lives and personalities. It’s fake, it’s fictional. And it’s okay. I think it’s better than knowing every detail and overstepping boundaries in their busy and stressful lives. It might be okay to admire and be attracted to them, but it definitely isn’t if we don’t respect that they stay humans and that in their place we wouldn’t want our lives to be invaded by strangers.
Nevertheless, drawing this conclusion makes me feel even more lonely. Plus, all these imagination filled scenarios definitely don’t help to have a realistic idea of love. I feel bound to be disappointed by life and love - especially by men :/. That’s the problem with overthinking, dreaming and projecting too much… You always end up falling from the high cloud you set yourself on.
Maybe one day I’ll find “the one” - whoever it may be or if they even exist. Only time will tell, for now I’ll try and deal with the loneliness.
✿❀✿
🔺Original work please do not steal or copy, Thanks.🔺
Maladaptive daydreaming really does get you down; like one moment parame is living their best life, in a happy, safe and loving relationship away from all stress and pain. Then all of a sudden I've been pulled away from that world and into this one, kept focused on the moment by words of hatred and discontent at my very existence, desperate to go back to daydreaming.
LATE NIGHT POST
Been feeling this way since high school. During elementary, I was in my own world and only felt sad that some classmates misunderstood or laugh (or smirk) on my cluelessness about films, shows, and trends. But in high school, there was a pull between reading books or hanging out and talking with friends or classmates about people in showbiz, or shows, films, or just be with them doing fun shizz. FOMO is strong mostly during DMs which friends chose to ignore constantly if they're busy (esp if they're with other "more fun" people).
When birthday wishes are reduced to "happy birthday" from those short yet well meaning personal messages I adore. When you finall6 able to go with people but you got so much to catch on from exes, drunken stories, and jokes which makes it awkward for both you and the people you are with.
So over the years, I gradually rewired my brain to forgo any expectations I used to have. Still, I feel all the emotions from heaviness, the emptiness, and the feeling of being forgotten. I expect people to misjudge, misunderstood, overlook, ignore, and be disappointed in me.
It is so ingrained within me that I have a hard time considering calling people as friends or to even think about the idea of being committed in a romantic relationship with someone. This is not all that bad tho coz it introduced me to be more loving on myself by myself. To not expect anything from people. To learn things I could learn so when they refuse or ignore my plea for assistance (or they abandon me) I can do it on my own. Coz you will come to a point of getting tired of making excuses for people who did not even bother to offer you one for themselves.
I miss people and moments even if they don't miss me (or remember me) at all. It's okay coz this is life and I could be forgetting others as well. We will all die one day and when it is time we should reflect if we are proud of the life we've lived up to the very last breath.
Επιθυμία
I’m bound to your touch…the first time that you kissed me. Eternal days of our time, I build up a castle to secure the lost. Music notes played around the room. What sweet sounds, bounding me to sway to the tune. I feel my feet go above the ground. The wings of Daedalus carries me up the sky. Will the mysteries ever cease or will it stay as of eternity? The mysteries of Agape and Eros. For I no longer believe. Building up walls of uncertainty. Drowning in whispers deep beneath the depths of water. Curse to whom I’ve become. Farewell to the ones that have gone. The endless tears have dried away. Thanks to my lover. I longed for one to stay forever. Years of yearning, prone to its misery. The words you say reminds me… You’re my own Achilles heel. I’m bound to your touch…the way you kissed me. Soon the time will come when the tide has gone down. Hold me along your side ‘till I breathe my last breath. I’m bound to you, for the last time that you kissed me.
by: Elai Azores
this was inspired by the song “Mystery of Love” by Sufjan Stevens
Do you have a problem you can tell to no one irl because you fear their judgement?
I do.
(And it kinda makes me crazy because I do need advice and emotional support
...but I'm just keeping it to myself for the moment to try and wait it out)
But truly, it IS a lonely feeling.
To be surrounded but to have no one to go to.
But sometimes,
It can also be because of your own sense of insecurity
That you don't talk to them
Or out of shamefulness
Because you know you are the source of the problem.