He Cut Me Off A Year Ago Today.

He cut me off a year ago today.

Best thing he probably ever did for me.

Mother of the Year

His sister really struggled with depression and suicidal ideation in her early teens.  It was very inconvenient for his parents.

His mother made him check on his sister sometimes “to make sure she hadn’t killed herself” because she just “couldn’t stomach it” anymore.

I .. just... what?  

I am embarrassed to admit that I let him put one of those parental control apps on my last phone. It was after it all came out, and I did it as a sign of good faith. I had changed. I wasn't a cheater. I was actively building him up and saying good things about him.

He saw every text and every email. He knew exactly where I was at all times. I found some ways around it - he couldn't see whatsapp for example - but would see my useage of that app and then read all of my messages the next time we were together.

I had to navigate conversations with friends and my parents very carefully during that time. if he saw something that even remotely resembled a negative word or feeling about him from someone I was in for it.

I was constantly analysing all of my conversations, anticipating any possible interpretation. I would stategically delete parts of whatsapp convos with friends I didn't want him to see, and then agonize if the parts I had left made sense as part of a conversation.

He flipped shit a handful of times over spam I received despite that it clearly came from a shady source (sjxudnssjxu@fkzkakdn.bn.sk.ho.... Looks legit...)

When I got the phone I currently have in January of 2017 he told me he didn't want the app anymore. I took it as a sign that he was giving up on me and was devastated. But I always had the suspicion that he added it on somehow without me knowing it. At the time, I found that satisfying.

After waking up that fear terrorized me. He's calmed down trying to get ahold of me, so I have relaxed some in my paranoia. But occasionally i still rethink my word choice just in case *someone* is reading.

It can difficult at times for me to regulate my emotions. They often come in these rushing, overwhelming surges that are impossible to guage.

So I have been in situations like today, where I'm waiting to see the dentist, and I am struggling to hold back tears because I'm feeling unworthy, incapable and unloved. There have been plenty of times where I have lost the battle and full out sobbed in public.

This is embarrassing, but it's not the worst thing that has ever happened. Occasionally my stress-and-agony-exhausted body decides to release tension in other ways.

Have you ever sort of lost it and had a full out uncontrollable evil-scientist laugh attack in public?

When my phone rings, i get tense. If it's a number I don't recognize, I panic.

Another one of those things people think I should just be 'over.'

Amazing

Tw - sexual assault

I had a fling with a boy who lived two doors over when i was in highschool. We met up for sex once and a while. I usually snuck in his bedroom window.

Once when we were 16, he tried to fist me despite me being adament and vocal that this was not something I wanted or was enjoying. He failed and I squirmed away.

He just moved back in with his parents too. Meaning we, once again, live two doors away from one another.

Amazing.