Humiliation In Parts - Part Two

Humiliation in parts - Part Two

TW - named body parts, and, again, way too much information about me.  Lots of things not tagged again.

He told me that my vulva had a very strong odour, and he made reference to it frequently.  He told me he could smell me sometimes when I was fully clothed.  I was shocked as no one had ever said it to me before.  He guessed they (my previous lovers) didn’t tell me because they still wanted a piece, but they probably told their friends about it and laughed.

This was so humiliating and I became obsessive.  I’ll spare you some of the silly things I did, but I spent hundreds on products.

Eventually I consulted my doctor while I was getting a pap.  I apologized and asked if I could do anything about it.  He looked puzzled for half a second and said “Your ‘odour’ isn’t strong at all.  It’s pretty mild actually.  So, no, I wouldn’t do anything about it.”

I don’t entirely trust my doctor, so while at another clinic some time later I told the doctor there that my partner said I was “pungent.”  “Do they have a really sensitive sense of smell?  You fall on the milder end of the spectrum...”

I decided that the day he made me ask my doctors to smell my vulva was the day to start taking his criticisms with a grain of salt.   

Coming to this conclusion filled me with a bit of relief, but also immeasurable sadness.

I haven't felt this lonely in a while.

This is a boring post. You’ve been warned.

I think I’ve decided not to pursue a romantic relationship with the girl I was considering recently.

I like her as a person and i would (genuinely) like to be her friend. I am having dinner with her and two mutual friends this week, and I’m looking forward to it .

I just…. Really need a more confident partner. Someone more sure of themselves. Someone who can give me assurance and encouragement when I’m trying to be brave. I feel like between the two of us, I am the bolder one, and that does not give me confidence is a good ‘us.’

Let’s be honest, I can fake it pretty decent, and the genuine stuff does come sporadically, but I can’t maintain confidence sufficiently for myself let alone for two of us.

We didn’t even get far enough for us to have to have conversation about 'not pursuing’. We were leagues away from that. I don’t know how that could possibly feel more awkward than if we were both more invested. But I’m feeling weird about it.

Anyways - being choosy about my other half and identifying ’ must have’ qualities is progress enough for tonight.

I try to explain this to people. They say they understand, but they don't really get it.

It's difficult for me to discern if this anxiety and social panic was a part of me prior to and exacerbated by him, or if this is purely a symptom of him.

Having met him as a teenager I really can't tell what problems were mine to begin with and what he caused.

He has been too much a part of the creation of me.

Tossed out a group invite, included the woman I’m into right now. It’s been 6 minutes and no one’s responded ( or read the message).

My brain is telling me it’s because they hate me and are rolling their eyes at the message preview.

To be fair, she opened the door for this conversation...

I'm currently calling out that woman I was doing a thing with in May for hurting me.

Who the fuck am I and what have I done with me?!

Dirt.

There are still secrets of his I keep under lock and key.  Not abuse stuff.  Health things.  Quirk things.  Embarrassing things.  The type of stuff you only discover when you live with a person and you see them at their most vulnerable.

I’ll take these things to my grave because I respect that bond we had.  I am not sure he’s offering me the same courtesy.

Part of my healing has been coming to terms with that.