Bad Memories - Tumblr Posts
My breath. He used to tell me it smelled bad purely for the satisfaction of knowing that it made me feel uncomfortable. He'd say it right after I brushed my teeth to make me feel as though my rotten insides couldn't be masked. I'm certain he'd give himself points if he could do it when we were in public.
Building a Basement
I found a way to read measuring tapes, find tools and square up boards through eyes overflowing with tears.
I held boards steady and straight while shaking for fear of my safety.
The last two years
He found out two years ago.
He told me that he uncovered my indiscretions by looking for the best way to propose to me. A clearer head tells me that his reason for snooping might not be true, but there was evidence everywhere, really. Facebook, phone, my journals, everywhere. A friend of my theorizes that this was my subconscious’ attempt to get myself out: a bread trail of evidence.
The jury is still out, but regardless - he found out and it all came to a head in January 2016. He kicked me out, and I was so ashamed. For what I had done, for hurting him so profoundly, and for disrespecting myself so. I would do anything to make amends for what I had done. I would do anything for the chance of having him back.
So he used this to his advantage.
Since that time, my reality before was simply amplified. I was now fully prohibited from expressing any sort of dissent or disagreement. The things that I thought were logical and sane were clearly not in line with how “normal people” and specifically “normal women” did. He was to be able to insult and shame me without rebuttal at any opportunity he felt appropriate. After all, I was now deserving of every slur and insult he wielded, unlike before where he’d feel obliged to buy dinner after being abominable.
I was to drop everything and cater to his every whim, which was what he stated I should have been doing from the beginning. He didn’t like that the activities that I enjoyed took me away from him, and made me neglect the duties he believed were mine. The sleep that I required to maintain sanity was disregarded. He continually told me “Oh, but you function really well without much sleep” as if living on 2 - 3 hours a night for months on end wouldn’t ultimately take a toll on any human being. I was not permitted to make mistakes - no dropping things, getting injured involuntarily, putting things away somewhere other than where he explicitly wanted them (without actually providing that direction - I should have just “known things”) or completing tasks in a sequence other than how he gave them to me.
Usually consequences ranged from being reamed out, to some sort of humiliation, to sending me home with the threat of replacing me with someone more “dedicated” as I was unworthy. Often there was a physical threat, or some milder physical violence. Other times it got scary.
And this has been my life for nearly two years. Existing for him and only for him. Compromising my health, safety and mental state for the glimmer of a hope that he might take me, unworthy as I am, back. Trapped by my own guilt and used by a man who has hurt me more than I am yet willing to admit.
#1 on the list
At this very moment one year ago, I was in labour.
On the evening of November 8 -9, 2016 he came in me without my permission. In his defense I believe it was an accident. I had, at that time, miscalculated my cycle, and thought I was not in a red zone. I was incorrect. Weeks later I felt a flutter, did the usual stuff to confirm, and found out for sure. Pregnant.
I already had the appointment booked when I told him; most of me knew this was the right decision, but a little part of me hoped he’d try to talk me out of it. In retrospect it was absolutely the right decision for several reasons and if I hadn’t had that appointment booked when I told him, I’m confident he would have punched me in the stomach.
He didn’t talk me out of it, and it was made clear to me that this was something I had to handle alone. He came to the hospital with me for the preliminary appointment and thought he had done me a great service. He advised that I was not welcome at his (once our) home despite the fact that he had put me in the predicament. If I wanted him to join me, I would have to pay for a hotel. As I was spending every dime I had at the time on him - feeding him, clothing him, entertaining him, I had my cards maxed and couldn’t afford it. He was very charitable with his next option - he’d go to sleep, but he’d unblock me so I could call him and keep his phone on.
So I did it alone.
What I endured was a trauma I may never get over. Some women have unpleasant period sensations. I went through 16 hours of labour mixed with a bad reaction to the medication. Vomit, diarrhea, sweating, chills, shakes and delirium, all alone in my parents basement, trying to be quiet to not wake them in the very early morning of Christmas Eve.
I have plenty of terrible options to choose from, but this was hands down, the absolute worst, horrible thing that has ever happened to me.
And he made me do it alone. What kind of man would abandon a woman like that?
This was the first time the veil got pulled back for me and I saw a glimpse of clarity through the fog. This was the first time I thought about my life critically in years. I thought about what I wanted in life and what I needed to get there. I felt strong - such an unusual feeling - like I could endure anything.
And then I thought about what I didn’t want to endure anymore, and what I no longer needed in my life. A whole bunch of uncomfortable questions emerged.
This was the first step back.
I still get reclusive during this time of year. I’m trying, but I’m not there yet. At least I didn’t cower in the basement for hours.
My partner and I watch this channel together. The guy who runs the channel now plays games as incorrectly as he can which is usually good for a laugh.
We watched this one (an old one) last night where they played "It's You: A Breakup Story". The conversation in game was... so unbelievably real.
It was just strange to watch the player's indignant responses to remarks that I used to endure regularly.
If you decide to watch it, it may be uncomfortable if you've been abused. The guys playing are funny and appropriately appalled, so I was ok. However if you are still in early days of healing you may want to consider not watching.
Watch "It's You: A Breakup Story - CLICK! OOPS THE CALL "DROPPED" - Let's Game It Out" on YouTube
To those who celebrate, I hope you enjoyed your holiday today🖤🖤🖤
But to those, like me, who don't... hiding in your house and trying to forget what day it is... choking on the trauma... I know there's no sympathy for how tortured you are right now. No one appreciates how difficult it is, having bucketfuls of triggers dumped on you over and over and over every day for two whole months. And God forbid you don't smile about it. Don't mask. Don't pretend. Don't participate. Don't shout "Merry Christmas!" until you're dizzy and nauseous.
But it will get easier. I promise. Take advantage of the good food this time of year and stay in your house as much as you can.
It's almost over. Breathe, friend.
In my AU, Orca was kidnapped From his real family at the age of 5 And Abused by a woman that murdered her husband in the past, Orca couldn't take her abusing him but 13 Years later, Authorities found out of her Kidnapping Orca from his home and Abusing him, They got her Arrested and found Orca. He was Was diagnosed with PTSD to abuse, Abandonment, and Violence. He still has nightmares from what he saw from his past, Crab still comforts him, calms him down, or even sleeps with him to work it out. He still remembers her from his past, but he would always try to forget her everyday but he's with gang now......
These weeks of the wildfires are bad chapters and make my cry costantly, let it pass and become a bad memory please, my country is at its limits
Cold Girl ❄️ (my behind the scenes vlog and bad girlhood movie)
losing your best friend is a feeling you just can't even explain. It breaks you so much that you're just not the same after that...
My ex best friend literally thought it was “cute” that her boyfriend got jealous when she talked to her guy friends, and when she first told me that, I immediately told her that was a red flag. Well guess why they broke up? Because of his jealousy. And then they decided to get back together three days later even though he was moving away in a month and they wouldn’t be trying long distance. Her whole identity and self-confidence hinged on that relationship and I honestly found it all so pathetic.
This is why I don’t trust straight relationships.