HALLO :D

HALLO :D

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10/10/2024

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Guess who just dropped out of intensive outpatient therapy!! /sarc

Okay but in all seriousness though, i fucking HATE intensive outpatient, why the fuck did I even agree to go?

OH WAIT! Because I can't see my main therapist everyday and I wanted to get the help I needed to not only try and be a better person in general, but to also learn how to cope with certain situations because everything's so damn overwhelming and the coping mechanisms I did try made me feel worse.

But instead I just got a bunch of condescending assholes who have no mental health experience whatsoever.

So, in intensive outpatient, we get to do this thing called "processing time", which is basically where you vent about your trauma to the whole group and the therapist can give advice for how to deal with it (eg: tips for dealing with boundary issues), and patients are allowed to give their own advice that they believe can be helpful in that moment.

The problem? I didn't get to do process time at all. Instead this kid named Skyler just hogged up all the processing time by talking about their family issues and ignoring any and all advice given to them (fuck you skyler btw, nobody fucking cares about how your sister is a violent little asshole.)

Also, the staff were so fucking condescending and rude to everyone in the group I was in, especially that one psych ed teacher we had today. She was complaining nonstop about "oh, i'm so tired of this job, this is all stupid bullshit" all while she was reading out the lesson for today, AND THEN SHE DISMISSED US EARLY BECAUSE "I'm done with this shit".

Literally the whole time all I could think was "shut up you annoying ass bitch I'm going to stab you if you don't shut the fuck up." and I was even contemplating dumping my *freshly made* hot cocoa all over her because she wouldn't shut her mouth.

If you're so sick of your job, then why not just find another one??? You're a fucking psych ed teacher for a pretty high level therapy program and you probably get paid a lot to do this shit and therefore have the privilege of finding another job.

OH! did forgot to mention that there also a lot of ableist jokes against autism being thrown around in process time today and everyday it was really loud and overstimulating and I wasn't allowed to have my headphones at all the whole time despite them knowing I'm autistic and deal with overstimulation.

And also someone got the whole group to gang up on another patient over some drama that happened between them, and he couldn't even speak up about it because "oh, she was just processing! you're invalidating her!" (and fyi, this was during the transition period between psych ed and processing, so no she was not processing). Man do I feel so bad for him, because he did not deserve that..

And just in general I was being completely ignored by everyone, getting interrupted and being told to be quiet because "they need to process and you're interrupting them." BITCH FUCK YOU, YOU'RE THE ONE INTERRUPTING THEM WITH STUPID AND OFF-TOPIC CONVERSATIONS, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME TO SHUT UP???

So yeah, I dropped out after all that shit happened.

I fucking hate therapy so much, I had literally tried EVERYTHING and yet nothing got better. If anything, I actually feel so much worse and I became more toxic to the people around me as the years went by.

What's the point in even trying anymore if I'm never gonna get better in the first place??

I'm contemplating just quitting therapy in general and sticking to just mindlessly scrolling on the internet for the rest of my life, I'm fucking worthless anyway.

Fuck this, fuck therapy, fuck mental health, fuck it all. These fucking bitch asses do not know ANYTHING.

Oh, unrelated, but it's tony crynight's birthday, but I'm not gonna celebrate this year because I'm still in a split with him.

God I hate being mentally ill...

10/9/2024

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Quick update on the tony crynight situation:

he saw my message and didn't respond. He left me on read.

He knows I'm trying to get his attention and he fucking ignored me. 

Welp, I guess I know now why he won't respond to me.

I want to fucking kill myself so bad rn, he wouldn't even care if I did anyway.

He's too busy giving those pathetic assholes he calls "fans" a lot more attention than me, when I was the one who made several discord servers dedicated to him, made countless pieces of fan art for him, HELL, I EVEN MADE A GOD DAMN SLIDESHOW PRESENTATION AND SHOWED IT TO MY SPEECH AND DEBATE CLASS BACK IN 2023.

And yet.. Despite all of my efforts, nothing...

He doesn't care about me at all, so what's the point in idolizing him anymore..?

I just hope I get groomed so that I can find someone else to get attached to instead...

I wish he actually liked me...

I get how you feel. It's kinda scary having to wonder if someone's okay or not, and it can be pretty triggering for some people to have to hear about those things.

However, the main reason (as far as I am aware) why suicidal people or those with self harm struggles interact with NSO content is because NSO contains themes of self harm and other mental health struggles, and it can be relatable for people with similar struggles or find the game comforting.

W can assure you that most of us are okay, and if you are concerned about our wellbeing's, feel free to ask us about it.

Again, we apologize for the concern. /gen

PS, please don't report our accounts. We understand the concern, but there are a few reasons why we need to have our accounts.

A lot of us use our blogs as a coping mechanism since a lot of us don't have other coping mechanisms, and sadly there is a lot of stigma surrounding mental health which can make it difficult to find healthier coping mechanisms (it's not easy being mentally ill, i'll tell you that.).

In addition, some of our accounts (including mine for example) are reviewed by or recognized by professionals as a way to get our emotions out of our system (kind of like a diary), so if our account gets terminated, we lose that coping mechanism.

I don't mean to be rude when I say this btw, but just letting you know.

I might stop posting NSO content. My last few posts have been reblogged by multiple accounts that are centred on self harm and suicidal thoughts. I’ve had to report a few people because I legitimately thought they were in danger.

REAL, and it gets worse when they actually confirm your beliefs by getting mad at you for having that belief in the first place.

i hate that BPD gives me such a lack of emotional permanence.

you can spend hours describing the ways in which you care about me, yet the moment you stop my brain will immediately decide you hate me and are destined to leave me.

"It's no big surprise you turned out this way, When they closed their eyes and prayed you would change, And they cut your hair and sent you away, You stopped by my house the night you escaped, With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay, You said, 'Hey, man, I love you, but no fucking way' " ~Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms

Still find it hard to believe that people forget I had to deal with a lot of long term trauma and it's manifested into this disorder that completely distorts my perceptions of relationships and self image and will display shitty behavior because of said disorder impacting me in some way.