Funny Story - Tumblr Posts
I recently found out why my mom would never sleep around me when I was a kid. Like she’d never let herself take naps or sleep if I was awake, ever. Or if she did, she would lock her bedroom door. So when I was 6, I was asleep in my bed in the middle of the night when I hear a loud bang, like a pot being dropped and come out to the living room to see my mom standing by the window, with just a huge pile of spaghetti all over the sill, and a pot on the ground, and I ’m like “Are you gonna eat all that?” And ya’ll she get’s BIG MAD and yells at me and chases me to my room but then a little while later a bunch of cops show up and ask me a bunch of random ass questions about my art? Like this one cop lady keeps asking me to draw dragons for her?! And they seem mad as hell
I didn’t want to get arrested so I just never asked my mom for spaghettis after that. Lesson, learned. Don’t ask mom for spaghettis or she’ll call the damn police on you.
So I have this memory in my head, and it goes unquestioned until I say it outload for the first time a few months back and as soon as I say the words “When I was six, my mom called the cops on me for asking for spaghettis” My adult logic slams into place and is like “Hang on. Your mother definatly did not call the police on a 6 year old for asking for spaghetti.”
So obviously that’s not what really went down. I call up my mom to tell her how I remember it and on top of her figuring out why her kid has always been really cagey around spaghettis for the last 3 decades she tells me what really happened.
So on that night, a man tried to break into our house through the front window. It was just my mom, and her kids so she did what she felt she had too and shot him in the head. He’d been wearing a helmet, which landed on the floor under the window.
Now I just want ya’ll to put yourselves in my moms shoes for a minute here. This woman has just taken a human life. The trauma of that- the instant agony, the panic, the guilt, the fear- all of it hitting her at once, her only solace the knowledge that her children are safe. She protected her daughters. No matter the cost to her soul- her children are safe.
Then she looks up and sees her six year old staring at the inside of this mans head before saying “Are you gonna eat all that?”
Suga Prince vs Princess 🤣
I had the most serial experience today.
Individual slides:
Laughing gas is weird. To sum up the experience, it felt like a dream. I would forget everything that was happening every ten seconds and literally every thought I had that day was playing in my head at once. I also think I saw my guardian angel begging to actual God to not take care of me anymore. I heard her say, "Please don't make me take care of this PUTRID HUMAN anymore!!". It was weird.
This isn't bait, and this isn't a kink question. Anon has found no consensus on what people are actually picturing when they talk about (cis) mpreg, and this problem is haunting them. Please help.
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We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.
I used to have a comedic account on TikTok until one day I couldn't log in and I sent an email to the support team and they told me I was permanently banned.
I asked why and they said it was because I violated the guideline
"Users must be 13 years of age or older"
I was 19.
What I'm about to share with yall is funny but
When I was younger. I wished I never got older (like never age). I wanted to be a vampire ......birthday wishes never come true. So I'm a bit sulky about it 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
However, I'm happy to be born in the same Era as Chan, so I guess I can't be picky about it
I actually hate this one guy called Gary who's a weatherman on a channel I watch every evening, and the reason I hate him is because one time, when I was 8, I saw him waiting to go on air. I pointed him out to my Mum and Grandma, and he looked down on us (he was on a bridge above us) and gave us this nasty look. Now, even though I'll probably never meet him again, I'm still holding a grudge since that day.
Sorry Gary, it could've worked out between us if you didn't give me that look.
Okay but this one time I went to Canada with a friend for her mom’s wedding. We were in the hotel, heading down to the ceremony and faced the back of the elevator because it was reflective. We were fixing hair and cloths and stuff. A big Chinese family steps into the elevator with us. They kind of whispered among each other in Chinese, and then turned back around with us! We didn’t know what to do, so we kept facing the back.
They got out on a different floor. As soon as they were gone and the doors closed we burst into laughter. Poor people were probably so confused.
Where is your four legged missile, then? Better adopt one quick!
Jack Russel terroriors terror. Terrier.
Good small dog breed.
Chihuahua's? No.
Sorry if it’s a little cramped- had to make this all fit in ten photos. Hope you guys like it….. and again…. sorry Andrew
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so I like geography but I was never taught the basics in school, which led to an awkward moment a few years back when I did a “wonders of the world” quiz on GeoGuessr with my brother. The first wonder was the Coliseum, which went something like
Me: “oh that’s in Rome… which is in…. ”
Me: *looks to brother*
Bro: “Italy. How do you not know that Rome is in Italy??”
Which like, yeah fair question, but then the next location is an ancient temple and I immediately go
“oh that’s a Wat! We’re in Cambodia”
And the best description I can give you of my brothers face at that moment was “emotional whiplash”
My mom just told my seven year old sister a story from her childhood.
She had two pet mice. One of them was mean and one was sweet.
The sweet mouse would sit on her shoulder and was super nice and stuff.
Then one day, the mean one killed the sweet one.
The end.
SHE TOLD THIS TO A SEVEN YEAR OLD CHILD WHO SAID THAT THEY WANTED A PET MOUSE BECUASE SOMEONE ON TV HAD ONE.
This is the kind of parent I want to be.
I have to share this story!!
My senior year of Highschool, I directed our Theatre Comp. play. It was called He's Having A Baby (can't remember the author)
Basically, the reproductive organs in this world were switched, meaning that men gave birth while women got to pass out in the delivery room and get their hands crushed.
Anyway, for the three months before Comp., we were wondering how the men would give birth. We took up a few rehearsals discussing this, but my 4 cast mates were in agreement that the reproductive organs were switched and that was that.
That wasn't funny enough for me.
I did a bit of research about how different creatures give birth. Specifically seahorses and clownfish. Somehow, I got from seahorses to hyenas. That is where I found my answer.
Did you know that hyenas give birth through pseudo penises? Female hyenas give birth to their young via pseudo penises. The pain is so unbearable that most don't live through the process. And sometimes, the young suffocate before they fully exit their mother's body. It's really sad, actually. (Don't look at the pics)
I presented my theory about the men giving birth in this world, using my newfound knowledge on hyenas as reasoning. All four found it funny, but cringed back in sympathy. They didn't like it. We brought on one of the guys for comically timed screams in the back, and he looked to be in pain for a solid five minutes. My teacher, when I told him, walked right out of the room.
I put it in my notes even though it didn't hold any significance to the play
This isn't bait, and this isn't a kink question. Anon has found no consensus on what people are actually picturing when they talk about (cis) mpreg, and this problem is haunting them. Please help.
–
We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.
so today in class
we were reviewing the age of exploration and the teacher told this kid to draw the triangular trade passage on the map on the board
and i know some of y'all won't even know that is but THIS BITCH REALLY JUST CIRCLED THE ENTIRE CONTINENT OF AFRICA LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN NEED MORE THAN TWO BRAIN CELLS TO KNOW THAT A TRIANGULAR TRADE PASSAGE ISN'T THE AFRICAN CONTINENT JFC
say ayo if pt. 1
you used to think cinnamon was super sweet as a kid because of snickerdoodle cookies but instead got betrayed when you chucked a tablespoon of cinnamon into the back of your throat and proceeded to cough for two minutes straight while your family looked on in resignation
I actually have a funny story.
This past Friday right? My school did spirit week and Friday was a Halloween dance, and costume day! So me being me, I wore my miles morales Spider-Man suit, (with a jacket, shoes, and some shorts so I wouldn’t get dress coded) but I also was experiencing like TERRIBLE BACK PAIN.
So my 6th pd teacher (bless his soul) was like, “yeah no, you can barely walk. How will you make it through the day? And take that big ass back pack off and sit down.” (His words not mine)
So he calls the nurse, the nurse comes down w a wheelchair, and wheels ms miles morales to her office. I had a temperature of 101.3°. So the nurse was like, “yeah no, go home.” And she called my mom. Then my mom was like, “yeah no, we’re going to the ER.”
so basically, I spent 4 HOURS IN THE HOSPITAL LOBBY IN A MILES MORALES COSTUME BECAUSE I HAD THE FLU-
I forgot to add, while my teacher was going to get the nurse, my grade level was going to get lunch…… EVERYONE SAW SPIDER-MAN CRYING ON A TABLE BECAUSE HER BACK HURTS.
Favorite genre of post
Another funny story. I work at the local church to bring in some extra money.(I get payed to sing at funerals,weddings,and masses) it was Ash Wednesday this week so I sang at mass. Half way through, this old lady faints and the EMS was called. All that ran through my head was,”that’s a $3,000 car ride.” The whole thing was quiet and mass was carrying on like nothing happened. Idk how the old lady is doing
Too funny not to repost 😂😂😂
Every sales job I’ve worked has that one item. The white whale. The biggest ticket you can sell. The sale you brag about when you’re chatting with other industry people.
When I sold mattresses it was a split king adjustable base. That’s two twin extra long mattresses next to each other to make a king, but each side can move independently. They’re insanely expensive and honestly kind’ve impractical but it was the biggest ticket thing to sell.
When I sold sex toys though our white whale was the 20lb ass. It was a female pelvis, a cut out from the waist to the tops of the thighs. It was hyper realistic material and cost about $500. I definitely had bigger tickets but not in one item typically.
In my time at the sex shop, I sold three. Each time was completely different in terms of how the guy acted about buying it. The first man was a little embarrassed and shy about it. I was professional and supportive as I rang it up. Once I handed him the receipt he looked at the box. Then he looked at me.
If you’ve ever wondered how big a box has to be to fit a 20lb ass let me just tell you: it’s pretty damn big. It’s an uncomfortably large armful of box and every side has a picture of the sex toy inside on it. It’s not subtle.
“Could I get a bag….?”
There was no bag that existed that could possibly contain all that ass. “Hang on,” I told him.
I got scissors and tape and covered the box in cut up black bags. Looking relieved he picked up his purchase and left.
The next man to buy one carried it proudly to the counter; self assured and not embarrassed in the least. When I said I didn’t have a bag, but I could wrap it for him he gave a hearty shrug and hefted it into his arms, marching out the door with the butt on full display.
The last man to get one was just kind’ve an odd guy. Not creepy, but eccentric. We got along great, and as I rang him up I said, “Well one guy wanted his taped over, and one guy carried it out. What would you prefer?”
“There’s no bags?”
“No store bags. I think our jumbo trash bags in the back might fit it….?” It seemed rude to suggest putting a $500 item into a trash bag, but he wasn’t bothered.
He considered this then said, “Bring me the trash bag.”
When I delivered it to him he still managed to surprise me. Instead of shoving the huge box into it he opened the box. He took out his new $500 sex toy, and all the little things it came with, tipping them unceremoniously into the trash bag.
“There! Now I don’t have to deal with the box later!”
I was slightly stunned but agreed that I could easily deal with the trash. Then in a move I still think about with delight he flung the trash bag over his shoulder like a Santa with a sack full of ass and sauntered out the door.
I wanna see this as a story, yandere styled or not.
Here’s an idea:
A person (the reader/y/n) an artsy person, having drawn/painted her boys (the bonten members) and hung it up on their wall.
It’s a split type art (with one side it’s their younger self and the other their older/bonten self)
One day they wake up to just discover that their living room (or bedroom since that’s where the paintings/drawings are at) is holding the Bonten crew.
And the reader is like: ‘omg omg oh my gosh, what the heck my guy?!’
While the gang is wondering: what is going on, what happened, why they’re here, and how they got there.
After a VERY confusing and borderline dangerous clear up on what’s happened (the reader explaining that they’re a story/show they watched and that they are no longer in their “world” but the readers) they try to get hooked/synced into their new life they’ve been stuck in.
Later to find out that reader is a little artsy freak who’s got them hanging on their wall, next thing you know Ran is being a tease on the matter, and the cast is just like: wth O.o.
How the story would end I have no idea lol maybe they settle Into their new life and reader ends up with one of them 🤔 maybe a little bit of lemon/smut/NSFW content to add to the mix 🧐
Seems like a good story/oneshot to meeeeee😂😍
