Maybe Adhd?? - Tumblr Posts
I know everything would be easier if I just pretend to not see their eyes looking at me on their faces with disgust but I'm not going to make myself easier to swallow 'cause I actually wanna make them choke
I feel like no matter how much I'm good at everything I do, my value is still seen as nonexistent 'cause I'm not good-looking, I have lots of struggles with social interactions and my few "defects" are exactly what scare and push away anybody from me which doesn't happen with anybody else and it's really hard to not feel like a waste
I never had any issues about knowing myself 'cause my whole family and every kind of environment crushed me by being myself, which means I was forced into knowing every inch of myself to recognize what exactly about me was seen as "wrong" by them
my pain is valid
my anger is valid
my anxiety is valid
my traumas are valid
my tears are valid, including the ones I didn't let fall and had to repress
and no one who hasn't been on my place has any right to say otherwise
As an autistic male, I just don't see how a person would be able to truly love me romantically and the more I study about blackpill, the more I understand this is impossible to happen.
I'm unable of behaving like the male provider that women look for, I can't read all the lines they expect me to, I'm not visually attractive enough for a woman to feel genuine attraction for me and it's not enough to hold any of them even if I'd had anyone interested I'm being very carefully in this " attractive enough" 'cause even though I'm a normie-ish, I'm still stuck in this uncanny valley , I'm not even mentioning my most personal problems, let alone that
It's not a question of self development or improvement, I'm biologically UNABLE to be any of this or do any of this because I'm made this way, saying I'm not trying to improve pisses me off 'cause I've already tried my best for so long and it never gave me anything other than pain
cptsd+ADHD+autism is like having the urge to always be in "fuck it we ball" mode except I'm afraid of the results until I suddenly do it anyway
Forgettin wtf I posted and being surprise also confused af whenever I see people commenting is simultaneously hilarious and terrifying
I don't even know how to chat anymore, I just act like a psychologist trying to understand people and make questions about every single fucking thing they say
I saw one of my abusers today and yeah, you might say I'm currently triggered and it fueled me again to do another Metal Sonic edit
this is just non-effort but honestly I just needed to relieve me
Honestly I can't see a future where I'm able to stand the fact I didn't got any help with any of my problems and still got blamed of being victimist while I saw people getting for free the same exact help I needed
I'm used to people not understanding me, unfortunately
There's a certain pain when people say I should work harder even if this is my absolute maximum. Am I essentially insufficient then?
‘am i Having A Brain Problem or Being a Shithead’: a short procrastination checklist
aka why tf am i procrastinating on The Thing (more like a flowchart, actually)
lots of people who have executive function difficulties worry about whether they’re procrastinating on a task out of laziness/simply wanting to be a jerk or mental struggles. this checklist might help you figure out which it is at any given time! (hint: it’s almost never laziness or being a jerk.) (obligatory disclaimer: this is just what works for me! something different might work better for you.)
1) do I honestly intend to start the task despite my lack of success?
yes: it’s a Brain Problem. next question
no: it’s shitty to say one thing & do another. better be honest with myself & anyone expecting me to do the task.
2) am I fed, watered, well-rested, medicated properly, etc?
yes: next question
no: guess what? this is the real next task
3) does the idea of starting the task make me feel scared or anxious?
yes: Anxiety Brain. identify what’s scaring me first.
no: next question
4) do I know how to start the task?
yes: next question
no: ADHD Brain. time to make an order of operations list.
5) do I have everything I need to start the task?
yes: next question
no: ADHD Brain lying to me about the steps again, dangit. first task is ‘gather the materials’.
6) why am i having a hard time switching from my current task to this new task?
i’m having fun doing what i’m doing: it’s okay to have fun doing a thing! if task is time-sensitive, go to next question.
i have to finish doing what i’m doing: might be ADHD brain. can I actually finish the current task or will I get trapped in a cycle? does this task really need to be finished?
the next task will be boring/boring-er than the current task: ADHD brain. re-think the next task. what would make it exciting? what am I looking forward to?
I might not have enough time to complete the task: ADHD brain wants to finish everything it starts. (if task is time-sensitive, go to next question)
i just want to make the person who asked me to do it angry: sounds like anxiety brain trying to punish itself, because I know I’ll be miserable if someone is angry at me. why do i think I deserve punishment?
no, I seriously want to piss them off: okay, i’m being a shithead
7) have I already procrastinated so badly that I now cannot finish the task in time?
yes: ADHD brain is probably caught in a guilt-perfection cycle. since I can’t have the task done on time, i don’t even want to start.
reality check: having part of a thing done is almost always better than none of a thing done. if I can get an extension, having part of it done will help me keep from stalling out until the extension deadline. i’ll feel better if I at least try to finish it.
no, there’s still a chance to finish on time: ADHD brain thinks that I have all the time in the world, but the truth is I don’t.
reality check: if i’m having fun doing what I’m doing, I can keep doing it, but I should probably set a timer & ask someone to check on me to make sure I start doing the task later today.
8) I’ve completed the checklist and still don’t know what’s wrong!
probably wasn’t honest enough with myself. take one more look.
if I’m still mystified, ask a friend to help me talk it out.
hope this helps some of you! YOU’RE DOING GREAT SWEETIE DON’T GIVE UP ON YOU
A handful of animations I've done over the month!
I HAVE THINGS TO SAY PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR HEAD THUNKS.
Okay so recently i've come to the realization that i might be autistic or have adhd. Or both. Maybe. IDK.
But the thing is i'm not very sure. Like at all really!
When i read about the symptoms about the tism or adhd i feel like some of both apply to me. And its confusing me really really really badly. Because any attempts to answer questions raise more and more.
Like i'm the type of person who hates loud noises so much to the point where i run to the bathroom and cry but when its quiet i yell and talk loudly and it doesnt bother me. Some loud noise i'm used to but i still hate. And when it comes to things i can control like music or tv shows i can put them on full volume and not give any flying shits. I havr no volume control :/
And i never really noticed stimming till up until recently. I used to jump and do a weird "SQEEERK" sound whenever i was excited or i would flap my hands. It was only after one too many weird looks that i kept it to myself. Table tapping and also leg bounce everytime i was overwhelmed.
Never had much problem with eye contact really. The opposite actually! If u talk to me i stare the secrets out of your souls and it makes both me and the other person uncomfortable when i realize it.
And hyperfixations. BOY ITS A WILD RIDE WHEN IT COMES TO MY HYPERFIXATIONS. I've always been fixated on art. Ever since i was like, two. And thats the longest running fixation i have i THINK. But lately its just been animated tv. (Rottmnt. You all know it.)
AND AND AND AND AND I HAVE NO SENSE OF ANYTHING. i genuinely forgot the word for it. But its like "oh i'm hungry i'll go eat!" But then i'll see my sketchbook on the way to the kitchen and realize that i'm almost out of pages and now my brain is telling me to get a new one and THENNN i'll see that the table is dirty so i wipe it down and i forget what i'm doing. Go back to my room, and realize. (Truly a pain)
I understand that if you boil some tomato in a pan you aren't automatically making sauce. But i think i have the ingerdients to say that i MIGHT be making sauce.
I can't tell my parents because they're abelist as fuck and think all autistic people are stupid and the devils spawn or whatever. No professional help either theres literally none because i'm a MINOR and i can't get any without my parents knowing.