Just Cptsd Things - Tumblr Posts

My thoughts exactly

sometimes i wonder what must it be like

to have a father you can talk to

without your breath getting stuck in your throat

or your heart pounding so hard like it'd burst

i wonder what it's like to have a father

you are not afraid of.

sometimes i wish i had a normal relationship

with the one man I'm supposed to trust in my life

instead, I'm afraid of him as am I

of any other man who comes my way

maybe this is what my life is going to be

always running away from every man I've known.

"My child is fine-"

Your child is so lonely and emotionally numb that they cope by living in a dream world to the point where they are terrified of living in reality itself

As a person who struggles with this specific intrusive thought to the point of having panic attacks, I needed this.

here's a little reminder that no one can read your mind or see your "weird" or "bad" thoughts and daydreams! mind readers are not real, and your inner world is entirely private. your thoughts and daydreams are not embarrassing or bad, and they do not define your morality!

everyone who keeps saying shit like "sounds like something a mind reader would say" or "mind readers are real actually" i will eat you to death and enjoy every minute of it. not the time or place

I'd make your life hell just like you did mine without any sliver of remorse

Yknow the "fight of flight" instinct?

Let's just say I never had any opportunity to flight before which means my response to anything is to just fight

Nobody's gonna make justice or give support for us besides ourselves and I'm tired of pretending tired of pretending otherwise

I never had any issues about knowing myself 'cause my whole family and every kind of environment crushed me by being myself, which means I was forced into knowing every inch of myself to recognize what exactly about me was seen as "wrong" by them

my pain is valid

my anger is valid

my anxiety is valid

my traumas are valid

my tears are valid, including the ones I didn't let fall and had to repress

and no one who hasn't been on my place has any right to say otherwise

I didn't had a hand to feed me, in fact the hands who were supposed to do it actually were the ones that made me starve and made sure I didn't felt worth of any shit

There's a certain pain when people say I should work harder even if this is my absolute maximum. Am I essentially insufficient then?

I've never been good with love. Never knowing how to accept it, or properly give it. Younger me would force it on others that also couldn't properly accept it. All my love would spill through like water in a broken vase, never letting me feel complete.

My love still wants to be put into bold letters, announcing its appearance at every step. But I use the bold letters for myself and italics for others. So that those that wish to be loved by me can see it and those that are not ready won't react harshly to it.

All I can do now is re-learn how to love like everything else in my life. Slowly but surely.

I think one of the worst things that I have experienced whether because of my Autism, ADHD, or CPTSD is derealization.

It genuinely feels like my surroundings are fake and that they are just a prop there to make everything look real. I have to touch different objects to be able to ground myself into remembering that this is real life. I am not in a movie or tv shows. And that my actions do have truly real consequences.

Plus, when the derealization is at its highest, my time blindness is so rapid that it can causes hours to go by without me noticing. Sometimes even days can go past without me noticing if I am not careful.

So, in light of my realization that I am in derealization (lol it rhymes), here are some tips that I do to help manage when it gets bad and to help bring myself out of it.

~ Firstly, I try to find what is causing me stress. The top cause of my derealization is stress, so I try to find the cause and see if it is something that I can control or something that is out of my control. If it is something that I can control, I will try to make a plan to fix the problem. If it isn't something that I can control, I will say affirmations that it will be okay and that I am valid in my feelings. If it is really bad, I will journal my feelings and my concerns.

~ Secondly, I amp up on my self-care. I will change my clothes from sleep clothes to day clothes if I am off of work. I will eat my safe foods and do things that feel safe. I will also wear soft and comfy socks to really bring forward the grounding part. Making sure I am taking my vitamins (I usually keep my medications and vitamins next to my bed so that if I don't feel good, I can take them without having to move around)

~Thirdly, especially for people that study or work, even chores, I will set timers. For studying, I love to watch those 'study with me' YouTube videos as they help with the time blindness and not allow me to run ramped. When working, I try to wear my Fitbit to help have something that has the time on it keep my focused. I notice when I only have my phone, time goes by so fast because I forget that it's there and the Fitbit helps ground me as well.

~Finally, I try to keep a fidget toy with me. I personally do not have a fidget toy, but I will generally use a quarter to have in my hand or I will use my keys to fidget with.

Hopefully some of my personal tips help out! And of course, experiment with things that could help you. I am a strong advocate for personal introspection and being an observer to your actions and behaviors to help! I don't believe in changing myself but giving myself the tools to properly live day to day.

Have a great day

Working through the traumas my family keeps trying to erase by drawing them UwU

It's wild how abusers will normalize things and use different language to make it sound okay.

"spanking" instead of "hitting" or "beating" unless they're threatening you. Once it's over, you got *spanked" and not "beaten."

I've known for a while that my parents were physically abusive when I was growing up, but I was afraid to call what they did "beating" until recently. I had a conversation with someone I grew up with, and that's what she called it. I was dumbfounded for a second before I stopped and thought about it. Then, I felt validated and heard.

she’s a 10 but doesn’t know how to regulate her emotions and goes from super obsessed to completely cold