May Be Triggering - Tumblr Posts

I am surprised by how much sex I have had in my life that I didn’t want to have. Not exactly what’s considered “real” rape, or “date” rape, although it is a kind of rape of the spirit - a dishonest portrayal or distortion of my own desire in order to appease another person. I said yes because I felt it was too much trouble to say no. I said yes because I didn’t want to have to defend my “no,” qualify it, justify it - deserve it. I said yes because I thought I was so ugly and fat that I should just take sex every time it was offered, because who knew when it would be offered again. I said yes to partners I never wanted in the first place, because to say no at any point after saying yes for so long would make our entire relationship a lie, so I had to keep saying yes in order to keep the “no” I felt a secret. That is such a messed-up way to live, such an awful way to love. So these days, I say yes only when I mean yes. It does require some vigilance on my part to make sure I don’t just go on sexual automatic pilot and let people do whatever. It forces me to be really honest with myself and others. It makes me remember that loving myself is also about protecting myself and defending my own borders. I say yes to me.

Margaret Cho, “Yes Means Yes” (via lalondes)

I honestly think people don’t talk about this sort of thing enough. We’ll talk about how important it is to give consent, that rape happens when there is no consent at all, but we won’t discuss the gray area of what it means when  a woman feels obligated to consent when, in all honesty, she doesn’t actually want to.

She said yes, but not out of a desire for sex itself. She said yes because of outside, societal factors that dictated to her how she should feel about sex and that what she actually felt about it was “wrong.”

Looking back on it, so many of my sexual experiences are like this. To the point that I literally just stopped responding to a person I was dating when I realized he was, more or less, harassing me to have sex with him when I didn’t really want to and I couldn’t adequately express that, no, dating a person doesn’t mean having free, unmoderated access to their genitals. 

And as women, we’ll actually joke about this phenomenon. We’ll say that, oh, we’ve all had sex when we didn’t want to, just to shut him up! And instead of the punchline being about the societal expectation of woman trading the commodity of sex for the feeling of self-worth and acceptance, the punchline is about how men are whiny babies who just can’t control their hormones.

For me, this is how society normalizes rape. You don’t want to have sex, but societal pressures tell you that you have to have sex, so afterwards when you’ve had the sex you didn’t want to have in the first place, you can make it better because the joke is really on him!Hahaha! And, guess what, if you’re busy joking about him, you’re not going to be busy thinking about why you agreed to participate in something you had absolutely no desire to do.

(via abandonmentrequiresexpectation)

To all those that have severe OCD, I don't mean to pry but I'm seriously curious, does having OCD affects the way you have s*x with someone? Like how you do it, or how you react? Does it affect the way you feel pleasure or how you give pleasure to someone? Does it affect how you feel sexually attracted to someone or how you engage in one relationship?

I'm really curious and I know that the best way to learn about it is to ask to someone that has it.

So please Tumblr folks do your thing!!

TW ANOREXIA TRIGGERING

I think my anorexia is coming back, I start to eat less and less, I have no apettite, I'm scared to eat or try things that I don't know how many calories they have. I started to increase Symfaxin, which I have prescribed for depressive anxiety neurosis and maybe that is why I have no appetite, I feel sick after eating, even after small portions. I started to lose weight and I am very happy about it, but I remember what a bitch anorexia is and that is what I'm afraid of.

I mean. Clinical depression. Trust issues. Body insecurity....

Why not add "r@ped and therefore terrified of intimite contact and men"... right? Thank you world, can't wait to see what is coming next.

A rant.

I can’t stop feeling like a fucked up burden. Not only on my family or friends, but on the whole fucking world. I can’t shake this nagging feeling that said world would be better off without me. That it would flourish and more people would be joyful without me in it. Without me making my surroundings so miserable, without me fighting every thought that crosses my brain just to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay.

I don’t feel safe anymore.

Not in my room, not in my house, not with my family, not alone, not in this society, not in this world.

I’ve been in a fight or flight or freeze mode for almost a year now and I can’t remember how I snapped out of my last episode of it.

I want to let go. To punch something. To hurt something. To hurt myself.

Life is getting to be too much.

My existence is getting to be too much.

Too much to bear, too little to fight for, not enough to hold on to.

I’m numb.

I haven’t shed a comforting tear in days, weeks, months and I’m terrified of the outburst I’m inevitable to go through but I can’t even force the tears out. Not even for an acting scene.

Part of my brain wishes to remain frozen in place whilst the other one craves the rush of jumping off a roof but I know one would provide temporary relief in a closeted prison which called disassociation when the other one would, theoretically, provide end to one suffering and start of another, more potent kind of suffering.

I can barely remember yesterday and only flashes of this week are all that’s left in my memory. Flashes from minutes, hours and days.

Just like I can’t remember much of last year and only flashes of my whole life are the only proof that I was actually “alive” and wasn’t merely put on this earth right now. That I had a childhood that I lived through things and saw things and took part of things which I have no recollection of.

I feel alienated. I feel wrong, out of place, as if I don’t belong here. I feel as though I should be somewhere else. In another reality because the one I’m living is so shitty not even a fly would wanna sniff it, let alone eat from it.

I could be more. I should be more is the mantra echoing itself from a distant, lightly dimed room in my brain. But the room is windowless and door-less and the only light source is a flickering candle for the oxygen is running out and even it can’t live on in such a tight space.

It wants out, needs out but the voice needs it so it chooses to kill itself, to suffer in silence, holding on to dear life just to illuminate the room still, until it no longer can. Until time comes for the both them for time always catches up.

But I guess being taken out as a pair is better than being singled out.

Right?

I hope so.

Or I might just finally manage to shed a tear for a missed life, thinking the candle deserved better.

Pooled have the tears but shed themselves they never did.

Perhaps they worry. Perhaps they refuse to drop in fear of extinguishing the still fighting-for-a-breath candle and so they hold back. Hoping an opportunity might still present itself for the gasping beauty and a wall would come crashing down, giving the candle a new breath to draw from so that the light might shine again and the voice wouldn’t despair. So it knows to get up, pick up the candle and go somewhere better. Away from the debris, away from the darkness, away from the loneliness of the closed off space so the tears might finally shed themselves with not fear but with pride.

I am alone. In my thoughts, in my room, in my house, in my society, in my life.

I am lonely. And I can’t remember how to enjoy it.

I reminisce on lost time, on lost opportunity, on lost friendships, on lost relationships, on lost energy and on lost thoughts. I reminisce on what could have been and on what I doubt has to come. I reminisce on clarity, on purpose, on worthiness and carelessness. I reminisce on freedom and acceptance and I reminisce a lost me.

So long my friend.

It's not over, BLM is still going strong. Hold the police Accountable

Intrusive Thoughts are unwanted thoughts or images that you find distressing and/or disturbing. 

more information on what intrusive thoughts are!

what intrusive thoughts are: https://moodsmith.com/intrusive-thoughts/

how to cope with them: https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/how-to/how-to-stop-intrusive-thoughts-and-live-your-life/

Honestly, I'm "doing good". I have a good boyfriend, a good job, a good car, a "good" body, a "good" face. I live in a good house with good people. I have a good dog. But I've never been more depressed in my entire life. I don't know why because everything is literally perfect. So my brain picks apart everything. I gain one pound? End of the world. Crying for an hour. I forget to do the dishes and then see them right before I go to bed? A whole guilt trip in my own head for hours.

I'm so tired all the time. I can't sleep at night anymore so I try to get a few hours before I have to get up and take care of my responsibilities so that I don't get into the guilt loop again. And every once in a while, on a day where I'm actually not feeling like shit, my mothers face and voice pops up and I'm suddenly back where I was 14 years ago.

In the bathroom, alone, at night, just wanting to go to sleep forever. But then when they ask..."oh, I'm good! How are you?"

When I was 20, I moved out at night with my stuff in trash bags as my mother wept on the floor begging me to stay, asking me how she was supposed to mother the other children in her care. When I was 20, as I loaded everything i could fit into my car my mother dug her nails so deep into my skin that I still have the scars today. When I was 20, and I was holding myself together by threads I watched my mother fall apart and shrivel before me. I left my mother to save myself. I left my siblings to save myself. I was scared and tired and put myself first and now ill never see them again.

💜💚(Ishimaru X Reader) Bathroom Counters💚💜 Part 1

I take requests and am fine with fluff, angst (not entirely good at that) and smut, mweh heh.~ If I do start getting requests, they might be slow since I like to take my time.~

Here is Masterlist of things I know.~

Part 2

Key:

💚 = Lime/Lil Spicey

💛 = Lemon/ Lotz Spicey

💙 = Sad

❤️ = Angsty (won't do many of these unless prompted)

💜 = Fluff

💔 = Heartbreak (rare)

WARNINGS: MENTIONS OF GORE AND R@PE FROM 'THE FIRST PURGE'! MONDO AND LEON ARE IN THIS CHAPTER SO YOU KNOW WHAT COMES WITH THEM!~ SMALL PANIC ATTACK WARNING! POTENTIAL CUTENESS OVERLOAD FROM TAKA!~

"Put me down! Dude, my skirt is lifting up, fuck off!" My (s/c) (Skin Color) hands pounded fruitlessly on the strong back of the one and only Mondo Owada.

    Currently, I was slung over his shoulder as he forced me with him to Leon's house for a hang out. This corn head only had one arm tightened around my waist as I squirmed in his grip and screamed to be let go once again, to which he only chuckled and shifted me to keep me from falling.

"Ya know that I'm not letting go, just like I know that you don't care about people seeing under ya skirt." A few runaway strands of my (h/t) (Hair Type) hair fell into my mouth from my ponytail, eliciting me to sputter it back out before answering the smug gangster holding me captive.

    He wasn't wrong with what he said but I still felt the need to feign injustice. "Okay, fine, maybe not, but that doesn't change the fact that I don't wanna go to ol' firehead's house for some stupid party!"

    My steely gaze glared at the back of Mondo's dark brown mullet that contrasted the burnt orange of his bumpy pompadour. "S' not a party, just a small gathering of friends, doll."

    I could practically feel the smile he donned on his tanned face. "Not my fault that you get a bit too into your "Ultimate" when my bro is around, kid. Into the goody goody ones, right?"

    The only response he received from me was a huff as my cheeks warmed and my legs crossed in the air at the resurfacing thought of our loud, innocent and hot class president.

'Fuck, he's right-'

    The "Ultimate" ability Mondo's referring to isn't my official title. To the world I'm "The Ultimate Home Designer" but to people closer to me, I've been dubbed as "The Ultimate Flirt" for my charismatic ability to flirt and turn on anyone, boy or girl. The ability doesn't phase me for the most part since I can control my urges that come with the quirk, though I would be lying if I hadn't used it to gain some "experience" at parties before.

    Unfortunately, the most affect it's had on Kiyotaka is that he becomes red and unresponsive, at best, instead of the usual flirty response I get back from most people. It's. . . unusual, to say the least. I suppose that just shows how much of a true gentleman Kiyotaka is. How troublesome.

    As my mind wanders to places I'd rather not say out loud, I stop resisting Mondo and hold my hands to my warm cheeks stretched into a bashful smile as the opportunity here clearly presents itself.

"Put me down, ya shitty piece of overdone corn, we have a party to go to!~" The change in my demeanor has the addressed boy loosening his grip around my waist so I can slide down his front to my feet, a lopsided smirk hanging off his lips as I do.

"Knew you'd come around eventually, and looky here, we've already made it." After fixing my school uniform, I lift my head to gaze upon the mansion that is Leon Kuwata's. Said aforementioned male claims he needs all of this space for "when the ladies start rolling in", his words not mine, and they need a place to stay after an "exhausting night". And yet no one has seen any trace of these supposedly rolling women. Everyone believes that they're getting ample rest; enough to leave before they're seen at least. Plus, Leon was always one for the saying "go big or go home". Guess he interpreted that saying differently.

"Yosh, lets go in then! They don't know I'm coming, right?~ What better surprise than the Ultimate Home Designer?" A wink and blowing kiss sent to the stagnant boy beside me starts him off towards the dark mahogany front door ahead of us with any eye roll.

    Following his ring, I see the camera above the threshold point at Mondo's tall frame blocking my smaller one from view. Soon after, it puts out Leon's slightly rough voice, accompanied by a symphony of other distant male voices in the background, from our sides.

"Come on in, the door's open!"

Taking the invite inside that's basically extended to me, I quickly slide in front of Mondo and enter before him. After slipping off our shoes and replacing them with the red and white guest house shoes available, I start to look for everyone. I've only been here a few times which makes the layout a bit fuzzy at the moment, so I just follow the familiar mixed voices to a modern looking living room with all of the boys sitting around a circular, inactive kotatsu.

All of the boys from class 78 were present, save two. Hifumi had left for a fan-fiction convention right after school today, and the "class prince", Byakuya, would never be caught dead with any of us outside of school except maybe Makoto but that's a different kind of tea.

The two guys right in front of the doorway when I came in were the flame headed host and the only person that could persuade me to come with just the mention of his presence alone: Kiyotaka Ishimaru. With everyone so engrossed in the snacks at the table and each of the conversations taking place, they didn't notice Mondo and I walk in until I dropped down to my knees and crawled in between Leon and Taka. Slinging my arms around both of their shoulders, I feel them jolt, Leon more than Taka, before snapping their confused expressions to the sides of my smiling face addressed mainly towards Leon. "You know it's really rude not to invite me to your little parties! What? You afraid I'm gonna redesign your shitty house?"

At the sound of my feminine voice cutting through the deeper ones of everyone else, all attention turns to me. The innocent children of the group give me a smile and greeting while Hiro lets out a little 'Yo'. Seeing this and being my totally not over dramatic self, I grab at the left side of my partially unbuttoned school dress shirt, and fall to the left into Taka's lap.

"Ahh!! My heart! I've been impaled from the innocence!~ Goodbye hopeful world!~ Bleh."

My sudden drop made Chihiro and Makoto fret for second, blushing profusely even though I've done this before, while Hiro prays for my soul to be passed on safely. Knowing him, he probably thought I really was dead.

Unbeknownst to my momentarily diva self, Taka was gently blushing with his hands raised in an unsure way as he gazed down at my outstretched form draped across his white uniform pants.

"(Y/N)! It is good to see you as well but this is not how you sit at the table! Please straighten up!" His loud, commanding voice made my body shiver as I took a silent deep breath.

"I don't care about how you're sitting, my house isn't shitty, stupid! I'm sure it's bigger than yours!" Leon's aggravated voice harshly invaded my ears before I could slip into another fantasy.

At this point, Mondo had taken the last empty place between Chihiro and Makoto while everyone started up their conversations again, having no interest in Leon's yelling. Peeking an eye open to look up at the the irritated boy staring down at me with his pale grey eyes, I smirk and reluctantly sit up to retaliate.

Turning on my charm, a chuckle resonates from me as my pointer finger trails from Leon's stomach to the top of his beard with my face closing near his faltering gaze. I lightly tug on his facial hair, dragging my lips up his neck and next to his ear. The warmth of his oncoming blush and hot breath coming through his barely parted lips radiates onto my (s/c) neck as I respond in a sultry voice, loud enough for everyone to hear. " 'I'm sure it's bigger than yours'?~ I bet you have to say that all the time to your "female" dates, huh Leon?~"

Hiro and Mondo immediately started laughing boisterously while the children sat there a bit confused.

"Uh, you compare houses on your dates, Leon?" Makoto asked with a thoughtful expression.

    This only made Hiro and Mondo laugh harder, myself eventually joining in quietly as I slithered back into the safety of Taka's lap to put some distance between me and a now even angrier, red-faced Leon. I both felt and heard a sigh from my new seat as Kiyotaka looked from Mondo and Hiro to me with an accusatory look in his piercing red eyes.

"I do not know what that was supposed to mean, but given that Leon is even angrier, and bro and Hiro are laughing, I can only deduce that it is not about houses! And in that case, if it was something mean, that was not very nice, (Y/N)!"

His scolding tone, the feeling of his words reverberating in his chest against my arm, has my face pinking and insides tightening momentarily as I laugh harder to hide my reaction.

"And another thing, I do not think it is appropriate for you to sit-"

"Oh c'mon, Taka, lighten up!~ It's Friday night and next week is Spring Break so have some fun!~ Please?~"

Everyone agrees with me in their own ways as Leon just scoffs under his breath before turning everyone's attention to the TV to find something for us all to watch, not waiting for Taka's response. I keep my gaze on the uniformed boy I'm sitting on, moving further to sell my point, and hopefully distract him from the beginning of his previous argument, by wrapping my arms around around his slim torso and giving a pouty face.

I could feel the rising and falling of his chest, every hidden muscle he's gained from the joint workout days with Mondo under his jacket. His posture was rigid even while sitting, which was the opposite of his fluctuating heartbeat doing backflips it seemed. It was all felt just through my close proximity, and I loved every little thing about him.

This time around, I saw his pale cheeks and the tips of his ears burning a tinge of red as he stares down at me, our eyes locked together for a few time-slowing moments. My face was moving daringly closer to his grasping one while taking in every detail for as long as I could. His mouth was partially agape as if he had something to say, warm breath fanning my (s/c) face. Like before, his arms hung in the air to my sides, hesitant to place them anywhere in fear of their placing being wrong. Our position made me warm all over and I'm unable to help myself from sneaking a glance to his teasingly parted lips.

Suddenly, as if someone returned time to its normal speed, Taka takes in a staccato breath before snapping his colored face to the side, now hiding his radiant eyes behind eyelids as his hands find solace flat on the floor. 'So close!' This reaction halts my slow advancement as a small pout tugs down the corners of my lips.

"I understand this is free time b-but we must keep peace. Though.." Opening his eyes again, he accompanies his crimson pupils and face with a small, awkward half smile to face me again.

"I will try my very best to have fun."

The pure stare of determination he expressed towards me despite his moment of hesitance made my heart skip a beat, my previously pleading facade faltering into a snippet expression of adoration. My grip on the sides of his uniform tightened a little, and I wanted nothing more than to kiss, and maybe fuck, him. . . though that immediate reaction was rudely interrupted by the noise of everyone else at the table.

It seems they, Mondo and Leon being literally the only ones, had been arguing this whole time, but Taka and I had been stuck in our own little bubble until it was forcibly popped by the increasingly loud voices. I quickly let go of his uniform jacket and straightened up my posture like Taka already had when redirecting his attention to the chaos ensuing as well. At the moment Mondo and Leon were arguing about whether to watch a scary movie or an action movie respectively.

"You're just a big ol' scaredy bitch, Leon! Can't handle a few jump scares?~"

"I can totally handle that baby shit, Mondo, I just want to watch something exciting! It's my house!"

Makoto was trying to calm down Leon, Chihiro was attempting the same with Mondo, and Hiro was just cowering back from the table so as to not be a part of the drama. A sigh of exasperation leaves my mouth as I changed my position in Taka's lap so I was reverse cowgirling his legs.

'I guess I'll have to continue this later. Kiyotaka will fall for me tonight! My internal vow had me nodding to myself with a clenched hand held to my chest.

Since I was talking to myself, like a normal person, I didn't notice Taka's flared up face as he stared at my figure in its new position. He had his mouth agape again like he wanted to say something but his embarrassment caught his voice just before it could be released. After a minute of listening to the arguing of the two hot headed boys and sitting through the inability to speak to me about where I should sit, Taka apparently just decided to deal with with something he could handle right now: being a mediator and leader.

Amusingly enough, his voice seemed to be fine with working for this course of action after clearing his throat.

"Bro, Leon! Please calm down! There is no need to fight because I am sure there is a movie that involves both action and scary elements!"

Even as Taka slipped back into his usual authoritative self his blush stayed, leaving the only other questioning thing being me in his lap. Mondo looked only momentarily surprised to see it as he stopped yelling to look at his bro with face of simmered anger that was quickly dispelled and replaced with one of mischief.

Kiyotaka overlooked his bros' demeanor change, but I focused on it to which Mondo responded by starting to silently tease me with different expressions insinuating towards Taka and I doing. . . things. Leon on the other hand couldn't care less except that he would've wanted me to sit in his lap like that, but didn't even bother to argue the point. Not that the stubborn boy would ever admit his attraction to me directly.

"Oh yeah? And what movie is that, Poindexter?" The latter boy asked condescendingly to my seat. (Like calling him a seat is any better-)

"How about 'Deep Blue Sea'-" He answered matter-of-factly with a raised pointer finger.

"Ugh! We are NOT watching another stereotypical shark movie! Especially an old one like that! They're not even scary! Next!"

I remember watching Kiyotaka's suggested movie with him, Mondo, Sakura, and Aoi when it reaired in theaters last summer. It was supposed to be a class bonding thing, but us 5 were the only ones able and willing to go. Everyone was joking about it afterwards, but Taka was perturbed and "covertly" came up with reasons to avoid going to our following beach weekend.

It was safe to say that Mondo and I both knew he thought it was a genuinely scary movie.

Probably to keep Taka from saying another embarrassingly innocent suggestion, and save him the ridicule of Leon, Mondo butts in with a suggestion of his own after a few moments of thinking.

"How about. . .'The First Purge'?~"

This caught Leon's attention as he stopped sneering to grin challengingly at Mondo, seeming to have reached an unsaid consensus on the movie now.

"Its on Prime Video." He added, which spurred Leon to get to work on pulling it up. Though those two seemed excited for the movie, the rest of the group grew a bit uneasy.

"H-Hey guys, maybe we should do a, uh, majority vote. . ?" Hiro asked shakily with Chihiro and Makoto nodding their heads along.

Though Taka didn't say or do anything to object, I could feel his legs stiffen up underneath me which, I'm guessing, is what he did with the rest of himself. As everyone else once again descended into their own discussion, Taka and I were left with each other. Turning my body to look at him, I see the usually confident boy sitting stiff as a board and shoulders held squarely taut. Though it may seem like he was just sitting like he normally does, being so close allowed me to feel the tenseness his posture now held.

    His behavior concerned me since it was obvious that he was scared of watching this movie, even more so than that shark movie. To avoid the poorly remade human Grillby from hearing me, I scoot back further in his lap and leaned against Taka's chest, turning my head to whisper to him discretely.

"If you get scared you can hold onto me, Taka."

    Said addressed boy flinched subtly from both my words and sudden close proximity as his shallow breaths became more apparent, worry and building fear swirling and tainting his faltering eyes as they set on my contrasting, (e/c) (Eye Color) ones. My suggestion was born from both concern for my friend as well as a tiny, selfish desire of wanting to feel him close to me like we are now. I don't want to see him in fear like this though; it doesn't suit him.

    After staring at me, or through me, I couldn't tell, he finally starts to calm down again and gently nod his head. Once more, his rare, gentle voice made an appearance.

"Thank you, (Y/N). I much appreciate the generous offer," A low, lofty chuckle makes him close his eyes. "And here I thought I was to be the brave one." His adorable quip, although simple, made me smile stupidly at him and laugh quietly to myself.

    Finding myself this close to the man (Yes our bean of innocence is a mans, a gentlemans-) I've been silently pining over ever since this semester started has my bonfire of desire relit as it was earlier, just not as strong. It's taking everything out of me not to just lean up and kiss him right now, the only thing holding me back being probability that Taka would consider that intimate and not want the attention it would bring to us.

    Especially since I would be doing it seemingly out of no where in his perspective.

    I wanted to respect his world renown morals, so I just huffed internally before turning my head forward again, not moving from Taka's strong chest. It made me feel like the one being protected and it was the only thing I could do to quell my restarted fire. . . for now. His arms were on either side of me, resting on the table now, and caging me in his lap against the round edge of the table.

    In my recent movement of leaning back against my now upgraded chair, I had positioned myself further up his thighs so my back was flush against his front. This fact suddenly became obvious to Taka as he had calmed himself down enough to notice the immediate smell of my peach-scented shampoo from under his chin. It was so sudden that he jolted a little and stiffened up for the second time against me which made me chuckle to myself, inferencing well on why he did so.

"(Y-Y/N), I think now is a good time to talk about your s-seating arrangement-" Luckily for me, this was the moment when the argument had been settled.

"Okay! Then it's settled! The rest of you sissies will have partners while I will stay strong by myself.~" A large amount of smugness coated Leon's voice as he unknowingly cut off Taka while addressing everyone.

    Mondo rolled his pale lavender eyes at the boast as Chihiro moved closer to him as his partner, which left Makoto and Hiro to fend with each other, and defaulted me and Taka together. That was good because I wasn't giving him up. Ignoring Mondo's restarted silent teasing towards me about my closer proximity and the unseen glances also sent towards Taka about his red face, I watched as Leon finally hit play and dimmed off the lights with his phone. By now the sun had started to set so it would get darker in the room as the movie went on, giving a better ambience.

(Gonna be honest, got all info about The First Purge from Wiki ehhh- I FEIGN PLOT RELEVANCY-)

    As the intro played, I could feel the bubble of ease I had set up for Taka dissipate as he shivered. I tilted my head down to see his pale hands clenched on the table as his heart beat faster against my back. Putting my attention seemingly back to the big screen, I reached my hands up to take a hold of his, my thumbs caressing along the backs of his taut tendons. He lets out a warm, shaky breath against the side of my neck that unintentionally drives me crazy again. This time there is nothing to stop me from taking a step towards mirroring my imagination and reality.

    My warm hands take a hold of Taka's cold fists to guide his arms around my waist. Due to his building fear, the boy in question doesn't react negatively, instead taking the gentle movement prompt and hugging me tighter like a teddy bear. The caresses of my thumbs to the dorsal side of his hands don't stop as he does this, my concern for him still there but just mixed in with other. . . exciting motives. Nothing harmful.

At this point, we've reached the part of the movie where Nya is almost raped, her screams make even me shiver and turn my head away. Knowing Taka is probably taking this worse, I do him the courtesy of slowly turning sideways in his tight grip around my waist to cover his ears. At my touch and the sudden quiet, Taka's screwd shut eyes shoot open to stare tearfully up at me from his hunched position, the pained look storming in his beautiful ruby eyes nothing I want to see again. This dampers my alternative motives harshly, and I stare right back, trying to convey as much comfort with just my eyes as humanly possible.

    Having seen him communicate with some of the special needs students on campus before, I know he can read lips so I mouth soothing words to him.

"Don't worry, it's gonna be okay. Just focus on me, Taka."

    With him not being able to hear the movie as much anymore, I can feel his body slowly relax against me, his posture sagging further with tiredness. The intense stare he normally carried 24/7 is reduced to one of half-lidded, gentle gratitude and seeping weariness. Eventually I started to tune out the bloody noises of the movie and hum lowly to him as my hands, still covering his ears, guided Taka's head to rest against my chest as I noticed his eyes fluttering. Some time passed when the strict boy began to fully lean on me as he drifted into a hopefully peaceful sleep.

    I felt an unfathomable amount of self content at seeing my uptight, spiky haired class president leaning against me in complete relaxation. These emotions were so overpowering that I didn't even notice that the movie was over. With my focus being solely focused on Kiyotaka, I also spared no attention to the stare of Mondo who was the only other person not shaking in a wad of covers *cough**cough* mainly Leon *cough**cough*. Even if I had seen him I wouldn't have bothered to let the gangster tear my gaze away from the innocent face Taka held while holding me with all the trust in the world right now.

This is part 1 of 2!~ Hope you enjoyed this and my other stories to come!~ The next part of this will be a direct continuation and will come real soon!~ Love you, dearies!~

Part 2

In a statement Police have claimed the mother was in a state of distress dangerously wandering the road. When they offered their assistance the mother denied. But in an effort to protect her and the children they detained the mother so they could take her to the hospital. The children didn't want to leave their mother so the police had a difficult time separating them. They claim they eventually got the kids and took then to the hospital to be with their mother.

Sounds like some bs.

At least two of the kids look old enough to understand if the police had calmly explained the situation. They also look old enough to carry their own siblings giving the police no reason to touch them.

I dunno mom looks pretty conscious of her actions to me. Also the boys would be old enough to keep their young sibling from dangerously crossing the road. The oldest could probably even keep their mom from such action.

One officer detaining the mom appears to be having to much fun with wandering hands. And maybe it's just me but the other appears to be smirking keeping the toddler away from their brothers.

Only the girls are the ones detained or held. That's suspicious.

No one has been able to find them for a comment. However it's important, especially now, their side be told.

Someone find them! Not to just get their story but to make sure they are actually safe.

Find these men, they actually laid hands on kids

TW !!! SELF HARM !!

Loki x reader/you

Gender neutral !!

I recently relapsed and started to self harm again, one of the many reasons for my absence. I hope this lil fluff will help anyone else who is going through the same thing.

(P.S., this is definitely halfassed and I apologize for that)

You heard the subtle knocks on the door and assumed it was your beloved. On that assumption, you instinctively pulled your sleeves up, hiding old scars and the new. You had a major depressive episode the other night while he was asleep, causing you to relapse and sadly, cut again. He knew about your past and never held it above your head or pitied you, which you greatly appreciated.

“My love?” He gently opened the door, eventually sneaking in and closing the door behind him. You let out a quaint ‘mhm’ in response as you continued to read your book on your bed. He cautiously accompanied you on the bed and laid his hand on yours. To that you closed your book, making sure to dog-ear the page to not lose your spot. You gave Loki your full and undivided attention,to which he responded with nothing but silence.

“Is everything alright?” He said, breaking the silence after a short period of time. He’s brows were furrowed as he scanned your face for an expression. You nodded, using your other hand to fidget with the hem of your sleeve. You couldn’t bear the eye contact.

“Alright, I heard you crying in the bathroom last night, I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.” He rubbed the top of your hand gently, softening his eyebrows. After a few minutes of awkward silence, you pulled your hand out from underneath his and hesitantly pulled your sleeve up, revealing the fresh cuts. You knew you could trust him, and you knew he would do anything to help you. He loved you more than life itself. Your eyes stayed glued to your scars, terrified of the disapproval on his face. But that wasn’t the case. He lifted your wrist up to his lips and placed gentle kisses on each of your scars. When he was finished, he brought his hand up to your cheek, pulling you closer and giving you a kiss on the cheek. After he pulled back he started to gently rub your cheek.

“You know I love you, correct?” He asked. You smiled, which caused him to smile. You put your hand over his and rubbed it softly with your finger tips.

“Yes, I’m just not convinced you love me more than I love you.”

Max verstappen x fem! reader - angst, major fluff

Word count - 1.3k

TW! Self harm talk, panic attacks, mental health

CW! Smut ish

if you’re struggling, you can always dm me, please get help, you are not alone and do not read this if you feel as thought you’re being triggered. I used to go through this and the idea of a character helping me through it calmed me down so i hope that does the same for you.

TW UNDER THE CUT

Max and I closed the gap between our mouths, tongues battling for dominance as he grabbed my wrists and pinned them and myself down on the bed, I moaned as he lifted up my shirt and took off his. His tongue went down from my neck to my chest, then he unclasped my bra and started swirling his tongue around my nipples, smirking as he played with them.

“Such a pretty girl, taking it so well” he grinned looking up at me. I was gasping for more, trying to speak but unable to, he left his spit all down me creating hickeys. 

“M-max” I let out softly, “you’re doing so well schat” he comforted me peppering kisses on my waistline, teasing me, my panties getting wetter by the second. 

“Max do something please!” he himself couldn’t wait, rock-hard erection facing my way, he gave in with the teasing. 

Max and I met at my older brother daniels house a year ago, we started dating around 3 months ago but I always felt like it was the wrong time as he was my first and I really wanted it to go slow. 

He used both of his hands and spread my legs apart, taking off my jeans. He was about to take off my underwear when he suddenly stopped. I looked down, confused and then that’s when it hit me.

I hadn’t even thought about it until now. I am so stupid, I quickly got up and grasped onto my jeans which were on the floor. Hot tears were running down my face, he looked at me with a face of guilt. 

“y/n... You know I saw it right” he mentioned looking down at my thighs to see the recent cuts, I felt my throat close up as I just stared at him. 

“I’m sorry” I muttered with all I could. 

“y/n, please don’t cry we are going to get through this together, please just come here.” he held his arms out and embraced me, letting me cry into his shoulder silently. It was nice, nice to have someone who cared about me, someone who loved me.

“Let me run you a bath, I am going to the store, I will be back soon,” The dutch said as I looked up, smudged mascara leaking down my face. I nodded, I was so lucky. 

time skip 5 min

Max had put on the bath at the hottest temperature which he knows I love, he had folded my pyjamas next to my bed leaving them there for me to soon come back after my bath. He put on a candle and kissed my forehead.

“ik ben zo terug schat” (I will be back soon sweetheart) 

I hopped in the bath. A million thoughts flooded my mind as he left. How could I let him find out, he probably left for good, he saw how ugly I was underneath my clothes. I probably need to go on a diet. For fucks sake he's an f1 driver, I don’t even know how I’m with him. I started breathing at an unnormal pace when I heard someone barge in. I couldn’t breathe, I looked at max and then curled up putting my head into my hands. 

“Schat you’re okay” max held my hand and sat on the bathroom floor comforting me. He’s too good for me. God must have really been enjoying life the day we ended up together. I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. His ocean blue eyes. They were like a sea, I could get lost in them, and they always made me feel safe as if I were home. I love him, oh my god, I love him. 

We hadn’t said it to each other yet, I just realised, I was deeply in love with the man sitting here right next to me, watching a naked me in the bathtub trying to not have a panic attack. Only someone who loves you would do that.

“Come here, get up” Max gestured. He held my hands out and lifted me out, tilting my head up with his fingers. He grabbed a warm towel off the rack and dried me off. I put on my pyjamas and walked out of the bathroom to find a candle-lit room, aircon blasting on full, tv on ready to put on the grinch and a bunch of my favourite chocolates along with a cake mix. 

“If you’re feeling up to it we can bake a cake and I was thinking maybe we could watch a movie or show of your choice. I also got you a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream and red and green Christmas-themed sprinkles even though it’s September just how you like it.” he pointed to the mug on the table.

I was speechless, I don’t think anyone had done something like this for me before. I jumped on him pushing him on to the bed grinning. “You’re perfect”

I jumped under the covers, grabbing the 10 massive blocks of chocolate he got me as I offered him one and he declined.

I tilted my head and then realised due to his job he had a daily calorie limit. 

“Fuck the diet max, it doesn’t even matter,” I said, suddenly he tried to protest opening his mouth and so I shoved a piece of chocolate straight into his mouth. He looked enraged as if he wanted to spit it out but then he started smiling going in for more.

I put on an old Christmas movie that was based on german folklore it was called Krampus and I watched it every Christmas.

“Do you wanna talk about it? The scars?” max asked 

“I don’t really like to talk about it but I just feel like I can never stop, I always tell myself it will just be one more time, I just always doubt myself and I don't know why”

“I used to struggle with it y/n, I know this amazing therapist and promise me that you will allow me to get you help.” he held up his pinky finger

“I promise” I smiled

2 HOUR TIME SKIP

The movie ended and it was 3 am, I looked up, and max was playing with my hair. “Why do you like me?” I asked, the nighttime adrenaline making me say things.

“Are you kidding y/n?” Max scoffed, I felt afraid, did he not like that I’d asked? There was an awkward silence for a minute.

“I love the way you belt out your heart to songs, I love your smile, I love the way you dance whenever Taylor swift comes on and you sing songs about heartbreak right in front of me, I love how you always cheat when we play monopoly and say because you’re the bak manager you can rob the bank, I love how much you care when animals die in movies, I love how you play with my hair when we fall asleep, I love how you always think of other, I love how you dress, I love you cookies, I love your music taste, I love when you play supermax in the car on full volume, I love how you hate my dad, I love you speak your mind, I love how you read fanfiction about me infront of me, I love how you listen to the issues i have, I love when you get in my f1 car and talk about how you will beat me, I love how you think that if we have a family you want the child to be like me, I love… you.” Max let out.

Tears welled up in my eyes, “I love you too”

He kissed me softly and hugged me. 

I love Max Verstappen.

IM NOT SICK ENOUGH

IM NOT BAD ENOUGH

I NEED TO GET WORSE

I NEED TO BE MORE SICK

Y'all ever get too angry at something?

Like the kind of angry that makes you have to get up and walk around?

Like you start having angry conversations with the air because you're so upset?

Like the kind of angry that you shouldn't even be that mad at, but it makes you mad anyways because it's some kind of unearthed trauma?

17. listopadu jsem se stavila domů...? vždycky se nějak zastavím, když mám použít slovo doma, je tak vyprázdněný a nějak divně studí. podobný, jako když jsem asi před měsícem seděla v noci na studený lavičce a tekly mi slzy a sopel z nosu, protože mě zas dostihlo, jak zapomenutelná jsem a mráz kolem ani z poloviny nestudil tak jako chlad uvnitř mých vlastních útrob. husí kůže a reálnej pocit, jako by mi po zádech jezdila ruka Smrti. záchvěv suicidality, touha se prostě vypnout, aby to přestalo bolet. 

Hodně teď používám slovo “komunita”. Říkám, že si potřebuju najít svou komunitu. Tight-knitted group of my own. Potřeba patřit někam, konečně. Před 4 rokama to bylo poprvý, co jsem měla pocit, že jsem našla svoje lidi. V klubu, kterej kvůli dementům, co nevidí přes svoje vlastní předsudky, už zanikl. Diy scéna potetovaných lidí s ve vythriftěných hadrech a s piercingy na obličeji. Bytosti, co se hýbou do rytmu hc kapel na veganských beneficích. Mám z lidí strach, měla jsem strach i z těchhle lidí, moje minulý vanilkový já s jedinou modifikací - obarvenými vlasy. Byly to nápisy na záchodech, který mě přesvědčily, že sem patřím. Nálepky na kachlících za práva zvířat a letáčky s veganskými akcemi. Lgbtq vlaječka, cedule, na který tenkrát bylo něco ve smyslu: no homophobia, no racism, no sexism. Nikdy, nikdy jsem nezažila, že by mě tam někdo obtěžoval, naopak mi tam bylo líp než kdekoli jinde. Je to paradox, nitro jako horká čokoláda za drsnou slupkou. Pach umělýho kouře, plísně a trávy. Po nějaké době jsem si začala zapamatovávat tváře lidí, vystalkovala jsem na scokách jména. Protože chci někam patřit. Potřebuju najít svý lidi.  

Alienated. Další slovo. V češtině odcizený, ale to není ono. Necítím se jako cizinec, ale jako mimozemšťan. Nikdy jsem nezapadala to těch úzkejch školních kolektivů, mohla jsem nějakou dobu předstírat, ale po nějaký době jsem zas začala vyčnínvat, trčet. Deformovaná mysl nezapadá do soukolí.  

Nedávno jsem přemýšlela nad oblečením a hudbou, věcma, který frčely v době mýho dospívání na vesnici vprostřed zapomenutýho kraje. Mikiny, kšiltovky, hadry derivovaný z hip hopu, co přivlastnily tyhle taky předem zapomenutý děcka. Holky s příliš drsnými způsoby, aby se trochu vyrovnaly těm starším klukům, těm příliš křupanským idolům, příliš maskulinním, hrubým a budoucím vařičům pika. Or whatever. Myslela jsem na soundtrack z Projektu X , Black eyed peas, Scary movie a Shakiru nebo Davida Guettu, všechny ty popkulturní sračky, který mi řipomnají depresivní základku, který tvořily kulisu šikaně a bitkám na autobusový zastávce a prvním cigaretám. Dokud jsem si nenašla něco svýho, dokud jsem neuviděla, jak moc z toho trčím. Taky značkový hadry a snaha stylizovat se do úplných vyvrhelů. Později to bylo ještě trapnější geekovství ve stylu the big bang theory a LMFAO. 

 A pak jsem tady byla já. S vlasy, který jsem si sama barvila černým Palette tajně asi o půlnoci v zamčený koupelně. S černou tužkou na oči, která se naprosto nehodí k mýmu podivnýmu tvaru očí, s černým lakem na nehty a s jakýmikoli hadry černý barvy. A později černý náramky na rukách, který “nenápadně” kryly jizvy, protoře co bych to jinak byla za emo, že (haha. Not realy.).  

chtěla jsem bejt Gerard, chtěla jsem hrozně něam patřit. Jenže tenhle rychlík už ujel, MCR měli svou největší slávu jaksi za sebou, měla jsem asi sedm let zpoždění, podobně, jako jsem měla x let zpoždění v případě punku, grunge, rock’n’rollu a metalu, nebyla jsem u toho, když se psaly hudební dějiny. Byla jsem teenager zrovna v nějakým hluchým období, kdy nic reálně charismatickýho k mání nebylo. Nebo mi to aspoň tak přijde. Popík, Guetta, lady gaga mi v tý době taky mic ještě neříkala. Kdyby billie eilish přišla v tý době, působila by jako zjevení a já bych z ní skoro určitě byla naprosto hotová.  

Ale našla jsem si to svoje, nakonec. Předtím to byli HIM a jejich prokletej básník Vile Valo. Romantizace smrti, láska jako synonymum sebevraždy. A naopak. Proč mě máma nedokopala na psychiatrii dřív mi je fakt záhadou. Někdy v tý době jsem objevila tumblr. Heuréka! 

Tehdy mi přišlo, jako by to byla platforma přesně pro mě. Absence českých blogerů, takže jsem se nemusela ani bát, že by mě někdo nějak poznal (?). Už dřív jsem byla depresivní, takže mi všechny ty černobílý gify pořezaných rukou s cigaretama a podobný srandy přišly jako pohlazení po duši. Po tom, co jsem se dostala přes pocit, že se dívám na něco, na co bych se dívat neměla. Je to asi divný, ale v době a sociální bublině, kde jsem se tehdy nacházela, bylo duševní (ne(zdraví a všechno s tím související tabu. Principy “kluci nebrečí” se tak nějak aplikovaly i na holky, všichni museli zapadat do normy, protože se kolektiv řídil mottem “žer nebo buď sežrán”. Kolektivní traumatizace, duševní mrzačení. Kvůli ničemu.  

Tak jsem objevila tumblr a přišlo mi, že sem chodí všechny ty usoužený duše ze všech koutů světa, protože smutek je univerzální jazyk. Bylo to srozumitelný, srozumitelnější než můj přítomnej všednodenní svět na základce (a pak střední) a linulo se to skrz prostor i čas. Citáty dávno mrtvých spisovatelů a spisovatelek, rockových ikon, umělců a umělkyň. Naše kolektvní utrpení, který jsem denně tajně do ranních hodin prolézala jako speolog. Koncentrovaná hořkosladká bolest prosakující skrz tmavě modrý background.  

Holky v martenskách nebo converskách, flanelový košile, černý silonky, tmavá rtěnka a choker na krku. Neo grunge byl v tý době moje aspirace, moje evangelium., něco “mýho”. Něco tak povrchního a obyčejnýho, jako je olbečení a...stejně jsem se bála odlišovat, vyčnívat, byť jen trochu. Tohle bylo už na střední, ale myslím, že se mi základka zaryla hluboko pod kůži a přichytila se tam háčky. Kromě grunge, arctic monkeys a lany del rey mě tumblr přivedl do mnohem temnějších vod...ne, nepřivedl. Já jsem už totiž byla na té dráze a střetnutí bylo nevyhnutelný...