Getting Better - Tumblr Posts - Page 3

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I am afraid I will never kick my issues. Right when I think I’ve got a grip, I slip. Again, and again, and again.

I’m so sick of this.

How many more mistakes do I need to make? What is it going to take for me to stop?

I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Ugh.

Erhm forgot my watermark ARGHJERUEGHEM—

Silly thing

Lately things have been going shitty but ILL GET THROUGH THIS

Thanks to my little fella

Hi, I'm finn, I'm 18 years old, I am a queer trans boy (pre t) and trying to get better.

If you are racist, queerphobic, abalist or overall a bigot, DNI, I will block you if I have to

This blog is my vent blog, this means I will complain, rant and vent, or maybe just ramble sometimes.

Triggering topics that might come up sometimes:

• self harming behavior

• disordered eating

• suicidal ideation

• sexual assult

• rape

• abuse (mostly emotional)

• drug abuse

Like I said, I am trying to heal and get better, I do not want to encourage any of the behaviors that I used or still.use to cope.

If you are feeling bad, get help, you are a wonderful human being and deserve help and support.

There is something beautiful about actually feeling loved.

After talking, after having an actual talk, he told me he loves me, and I could belive it.

It was hard, but I could belive it. And I love him too. More than I want to. More than he knows.

I won't get addicted to him. I won't make him my whole world because I shouldn't. Because it is bad. Because it is sick and because it hurts both of us. Not just me, and I want to keep him safe. Even if it is from me.

I'm also learning to understand him. I am learning to understand the way he acts. Why he does or doesn't do things.

It's beautiful, this slowly building connection.

TW: slight mention of self harm and drugs

I'm leaving for a camp for a week, before that I wanted to see my boyfriend because he was in malta last week and we didn't see each other.

So, I met with a friend yesterday and stayed over at her place, we went to the movies today and after that I wanted to visit him.

Even more because he is not doing all that good right now and I'm scared he's gonna do something that will hurt him (drink too much, take drugs and/or self harm).

I was really looking forward to seeing him again and I asked him if he still wanted me to come over and he said yes. I was excited to see him again and had the hope that I could maybe comfort him.

After the movie ended and I checked my phone again, he had messaged me if I still wanted to come at 4 pm half an hour later he texted "I guess not but it's fine"

It didn't seem to be fine to me. I told him that I still.wanted to and could come over now at about 5 pm, but he already went into the city with friends.

Since I am literally in the fu king city center I asked him if wanted me to come there, which he didn't.

I totally respect that, I really do, but now I an even more worried and it kinda hurts, because it is my fault for not communicating better and he thought I didn't want to anymore.

But I really did. I still really do. It just hurts, the way I seem to always destroy everything I have.

Not even intentional, it just happens subconsciously.

I literally started crying in front of the cinema, in front of my friends because I was so devastated. And he's just really not to blame.

I already miss him and I am worried and scared, I hope he takes care of himself and stays safe.

I just feel so empty now, so so empty and everything is dull.

Today is going to be a danger night for me, I have to take care too, I have to stay in control and not do anything stupid.

I had such a great time and now everything is terrible again. But it will get better, I know it will. This is just temporary. Everything is temporary.

But it's still hard, I would really need a support system right now, but I don't have one, haha, great, awesome, just fantastic.

I honestly don't think I can get through the night without a relapse. I'll try but the urge is getting so strong...

Tw: slight mention of sh

I feel so gross.

I'm trying to not relapse and bring myself to feel something and I am just texting with this guy and he wanted like, a picture, and I was like, alright and he was like,

You are covered in cuts

Well, yeah, you didn't have to tell me, I already know, but thanks for bringing it up??

Now I feel disgusting because of my scars and because I sent a pic in the first place, yay!!

Okay, I changed my mind, he was actually really sweet and told me he would kiss each and every one of my scars individually, which is so sweet.

I honestly always wished for someone to do that, I thunk it would really help me a lot and make me feel good.

Him only saying that was already enough to make me feel a little better :)

Tw: slight mention of sh

I feel so gross.

I'm trying to not relapse and bring myself to feel something and I am just texting with this guy and he wanted like, a picture, and I was like, alright and he was like,

You are covered in cuts

Well, yeah, you didn't have to tell me, I already know, but thanks for bringing it up??

Now I feel disgusting because of my scars and because I sent a pic in the first place, yay!!

I miss my boyfriend. We wanted to meet today but we didn't and now he asked if I wanted to come over and sleep at his place but I am at home, and since I live in a little village there isn't any public transportation that would go at this time.

I really wanted to see him before I leave for a week...

I'm feeling terrible because we couldn't meet because of how bad I planned it all and I misunderstood stuff and didn't communicate enough.

But it's done now, I can't change it anymore...

I was right, my boyfriend got drunk and crazy but at least he is physically alright, so I guess that is all I could hope for.

I still miss him. I still want to hold him, he deserves all the good things on this world...

But he is safe now, so I can finally go to sleep, yay

I am still waiting for something..?

For him to text me and tell me something. For him to tell me anything. For him to just say random incoherent words.

I just wish I wouldn't still state at our chat waiting for him to massage me. My beautiful boyfriend, to say anything at all to me.

Tw: mention of sa

The cousin that sexually assaulted me between the ages of 6 and 10 is back in the country. I am so scared and I probably have to see him next weekend...

I don't want to see him. I don't think I can. I have to act normal and like nothing ever happend while I get flashbacks of him doing all of it.

I can't stand the nightmares and flashbacks anymore, I just want to forget and be safe.

I don't want to relive him forcing himself onto me. I don't want to feel this helpless and weak again.

I need to get stronger. I need to be able to defend myself...

Scared.

Panic.

Fucking terrified.

I'm at the meeting point for a camp and there are so many people that are all older than me and I an overall not good with people and I have the strong urge to just run.

Tw: tiny tiny mention of sh and drugs

I feel so lonely, I really miss him. I want to cuddle with him and sleep in his arms and just be with him.

We could sit in silence together and I would love it. I just really want to be with him. So so bad.

There is emptiness in my chest that I mustn't drink away. That I mustn't cut away. But I know he could hold be and I would feel whole.

Maybe not whole but something closer to it. Life gets more bearable with him. It gets livable. I can actually live and not only survive when we are together...

I fucking love my boyfriend.

I asked him some questions and he answered "sure" to everything, which is nice but also stresses me because of the one word answer.

I was about to ask if he was mad at me and he was like "my pookie".

Bam. So easy, crisis averted. Now I am reassured and happy again and that without having to ask for it.

Fucking love him :)

I am in an open relationship and my boyfriend texted me today that he made out with one of his friends.

And honestly, I do not mind at all? I was totally okay with me, don't get me wrong, but I still thought I would kinda care about it. But I really just don't.

I literally do not care?? Which is pretty nice.

Tw: mention of sh

I wanted to visit my boyfriend tomorrow, but he is going away for a week, so it's 3 weeks of not seeing each other. Because he was in malta and then I was in camp and now he is gone again.

It's okay. I guess. I am not dissociating at all. Never.

Urge is getting so strong again. I just really want to cut. I just want some relive. I really need to feel something again.

But I am trying so hard not to relapse. I'm really trying to get better...

Tw: tiny mention of drugs

"The chicken can wait"

I love my boyfriend, getting me to go to sleep and not cook myself chicken at 1 am.

He's so funny and cute. I like him, hihi :)

Also, I'm high and that's why I need chicken now.

Tw: tiny mention of sh

I am feeling good, but... well... I want to relapse so bad.

It's a paradox, every time I'm feeling better I do something to make it worse...

Tw: mention of sh

I wish I could curl up and sleep forever. I really need some rest. I just want a break from all of this.

I want to cry in his arms and be held until I fall asleep. I want to wake up, my head buried in the crook of his neck and feel safe.

Or I could relapse, that is like a really satisfying feeling. Just slicing through skin and seeing the beautiful blood that seeps out of my fresh wounds.

God it's hard to stay sober😭