Heart Ache - Tumblr Posts
I still wake up to the thought of you. I go to sleep with the thought of you. It’s just everything in between that’s different.
After so many people leave you start to question what’s wrong with you…
I hope I don’t lose you. I’m so sorry I couldn’t give you what you deserve. But I still love you so deeply. You’re my best friend and I want to see you happy and thriving. I hope I’m still next to you, cheering you on. God. I can’t lose you.
Loving so deeply is so painful.
I've been single for 7 years now.
I haven't had cuddles in 7 years.
I haven't had sex in 7 years.
Someone said I had a soothing voice an its all I think about now. I just want her to be here. I'm so lonely, I'm touch starved.
And sometimes these thoughts feel violent, and the words they leave behind are like remnants of a battle and I know they are. Because these thoughts are cunning and conniving predators that hunt me in the dark corners of night and the broad light of day, and when they pounce on me, their easy prey, all that is left of the occurrence is the blood spatter on these pages I call words.
Bleeding Out
Love only yourself a little bit longer, until you can't stand not to love someone else.
Kiera Cass, Happily Ever After
Falling in love, we said; I fell for him. We were falling women. We believed in it, this downward motion: so lovely, like flying, and yet at the same time so dire, so extreme, so unlikely.
Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale
There are some things even poetry hesitates to remember.
The Intangible things
I used to have a night light Because I was scared of the dark that pressed into me. Now I have a write light Because I am scared of the dark that festers inside me.
Bleeding Out
I Realise Today
I didnt realize I was
Dangerously clingy
Until today
Until you told me
I realize now
My last lover
Wasnt scared of going
Too fast
Or whatever else
She said to me
She was tired of me
Holding too tightly
I realize now
Needy as a newborn
That I'll push you away
If I continue
I realize now
That I pour everything
Into my relationships
I give nothing to myself
I'm starved for love
Since I give myself none
I have a tendency
To expect too much
I realize I give
You everything I've got
Expect everything in return
No one will give me that
Its unwise
Unhealthy to expect
This kind of equality
When I'm burning at both ends
Attempting to satisfy you
Your needs
Giving too much
Overfilling your cup
I want and want
Need and need
Eat and eat
Give and give
Far too much
You cant compete
Youre scared that you're giving
Far too little in comparison
I realize today
I need to back up
Take some time to myself
Love you from a distance for a while
I realize today
It's become a need
Just like I feared it would be
A deadly drug dragging me down
I dont want to let go
You make me feel
Better than I've felt
In years past
I realize now
Maybe some time apart
Will take away that need
Replace it with something healthy
I realize now
This is more rant
Than poem
Too much truth
I dont believe half of what
I say or do
I cant trust
What I feel
I realize
I'm a walking contradiction
That needs to calm down
Decide what I want
Though I know
There's one certainty
Other than change, death, and taxes
My love for you will never waiver
Though my heart aches
My stomach churns
My eyes burn
I will do what's best
Take a step back
Give you room to breathe
Stay on the ledge of love
Stay away from that pit of addiction
-when they stop replying to your messages and you can feel your chest and insides physically rip apart again-
Do you ever get this gut wrenching feeling of longing that just hits you out of nowhere? It most commonly hits late at night, or when you've been alone for a while, but sometimes it hits you when you're surrounded by your friends at a party, or in the middle of a test at school. And it's this powerful feeling of longing for someone you might not even know yet, like the feeling you get at the pinnacle of a crush but with no warning or lead up. You just want someone to love you and to love them and do all the stupid romantic things with them you've ever wanted to do. It's like you're in love with someone you haven't met, like you're body gives you these jolts to prepare you for the feeling one day. But it's so hard to handle in the moment and you have to do anything you can to make the ache go away but sometimes you just don't know how, and sometimes everything you do makes the ache worse.
Anyway, I'm just a hopeless romantic although I refuse to admit it to the people I know in real life because no one likes me like that anyway.
I hope that everyone who reads this finds the love they need to help the ache fade. Because I don't think the point is to get rid of it, but rather to make it bearable, by sharing it with someone else.