Introspection - Tumblr Posts - Page 2

I feel incredibly heartless, but not in a way that hurts me, only those who are more sensitive and well meaning than I am.

Leaving

Leaving hurts. Whether it’s leaving a friend or partner, or moving to a new country or leaving a temporary home, it hurts nonetheless. So many memories are hidden in these nooks and crannies, only to be long-forgotten and left-behind as the new residents take-over. And once they leave, the cycles starts again. Memories intertwined with decades, if not centuries, live on, forgotten and yet…

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How can I accept who I am, when I want to abandon all that made me to be?

you're a poem i've always wanted to write, but never found the words for.

in the dead of night i'll be out with lanterns, searching for myself.

Warm brown eyes draw you in

Like a soft spoken doe

You feed me from the palm of your hands

So ill return to your backdoor

Blind sided by my fangs scraping your wrists

You’re not any different

I will ravage you mercilessly

I will not make myself more digestible 

For those who can’t stomach me

Coated sugar crumbling off my lips 

My tongue is not as sweet as it seems

32 -

I did something. I don’t want to admit it but I need to get this off my chest. I promised to always be honest here, if nowhere else. I got ahold of some pain pills. And now I feel anxious and guilty. I mean duh? What else did I expect?

But at the same time, I have a secret. It feels good in the way that knowing something that only you know feels good - knowledge is a private power. I feel sneaky and a little clever. There’s a rush to doing something and knowing you likely won’t get caught.

I’m so committed to my recovery. To actually sit with the hard stuff, not just numb it out. To living with integrity. To pursuing my dreams.

Or so I thought. Getting ahold of them was instinctual. I didn’t really think twice about it. Okay…not true, I debated on it for a while. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t convince myself not to. It was so easy. There was no way I could be found out. And I’d have a good time for a few hours.

Or rather, I didn’t want to think twice. I wanted them, plain and simple. I wanted to have them because I knew I could.

If I were to take them - I don’t have any intention of getting more. I wouldn’t even know where to go or who to ask. I just wanted them for a fun little afternoon. Nothing more. I’m not trying to escape my feelings or using them as a crutch. I have the capacity and tools these days to work through my problems, sober. They just feel good.

I guess I could describe it similar to non-alcoholics who want to enjoy a glass of wine while they have a quiet night in.

But I feel guilty because it’s not for the right reasons - who uses pain pills to have a “fun little afternoon”? (10 points if you guessed - an addict). And I didn’t get ahold of them in a trustworthy way. If I take them, does it count as a relapse? I don’t want to start over. If I take them, am I unwittingly taking a step down that path again? Can I really say it’s not a choice when here I am, self aware, and still making the choice anyway. They say you will always be in recovery, you can’t cure addiction.

But no one knows, except me.

It’s a decision based upon deceit and selfish intentions. Can I live with that?

I was thinking about them before I went on this trip. I knew they’d be around. If I really was committed to my recovery, then I would have taken precautions, not made plans. Right?

My recovery is still my recovery. I struggle with the idea that abstinence of all for the rest of my life, is the only option (except it is definitely for alcohol). For me - if I can understand the root of why I used to begin with, then I can identify when those feelings come up and sit with them instead of escaping. People use the high to fill a void in something. If I have a foundation of healthy coping mechanisms for negative feelings, then who’s to say I can’t have a fun little afternoon and that’s all it will be?

Or I’m just full of shit and I sound like every other addict out there trying to justify and rationalize why this will be okay. It’s a compulsion of the mind. The fact that I’m even analyzing this….I really don’t know.

33 -

I don’t regret it. I took them and I did have a fun little buzzy afternoon. I took them because I had to make a decision otherwise it would have weighed heavily on my mind. But I knew that this was how it was going to play out, even before getting them. Like I said, I made plans instead of taking precautions.

I’m so indecisive because I think very deeply about outcomes, that often I make a big decision impulsively and just live with the consequences. In a way, I’m afraid to commit.

The difference from the past, is that I was aware and consciously made this choice.

To be honest - I wanted more in the moment. It wasn’t enough. I wanted to go higher, summit the peak. To dance on the line between life and not life. The exhilaration of standing at the precipice. But that’s the thing right? It’s never enough. It will never be enough.

I woke up the next morning & had no desire to do that again.

I’m still sober from alcohol and other drugs. I don’t count it as a relapse. Some might say otherwise, but this is MY recovery. Real, raw and authentic. No hiding here. I own my decision. I am still committed to the bigger picture.

I’m not sure it was worth it. I guess I knew deep down it wouldn’t be, but I still had to do it to prove it. I couldn’t let it go (it would be a waste!). Unfortunately, I am the learn-by-experience type. And sometimes, a few experiences before it really sinks in (lol).

And so we continue on, same as before.

I have more to live for these days. I enjoy my life and I feel excited at what’s to come. I love the people I have, fiercely and selflessly. I have faith in something greater than me. Most importantly, I have faith in myself. I know I have changed. I know I will continue to change. I have humility and an open mind. Those parts of me that were a collection of tiny fragments…well, they aren’t so broken anymore.

Drugs and alcohol will not bring me the validation I seek. They will not give me purpose or increase my value. I know that. I am not that version of myself any longer.

Each day, a little better and brighter.

I think I’ll take a break from thinking for a while.

72 -

Random brain dump:

I am not great at school. Mostly because I struggle with consistency. In like…every aspect of my life. I’m smart, I test quickly & well. But I have a hard time staying focused, I get distracted & my sense of time is so warped. I think I walk around half disassociated all the time.

Also like…school is such a TASK *yawn*

So yes, I have ADHD.

I have been on a stimulant medication now for a few months At first, it turned the 10 channels in my head down to 2. The noise got quiet. It was amazing.

Now I think I’ve adjusted. I’m struggling again. I feel like I’m going crazy and have dementia at 30.

•

I really wanted to impress my final teacher. And well, I don’t think I did. She’s tough.

Today though, she told me that I’ve really pulled it together the last few weeks with my focus and being present. She knows I care and is proud of me.

This is going to sound terrible but because I already feel insecure about her “liking” me, I don’t feel like this was genuine. I am having trouble accepting it.

^ there’s my bitchy little twit (BLT) of a trauma voice trying to convince me I suck.

•

The pendulum swings between extremes before it reaches equilibrium. I’ve swung from a severe people pleaser to speaking my mind completely, anyone be damned.

Erm….it’s made a couple of things awkward. So like let’s hurry up and find my new comfort level with this.

I realized lately that while I may be all like “let me look deep into myself and come to terms with/embrace all of my shame and wear it proudly because that takes away its power to control me blah blah”- not everyone is there yet.

Whether they want to get there or not, how they get there, etc….none of my business.

I try really hard to stay in my own lane and worry about myself mostly. But it’s hard because I still feel the claws of my BLT trying to pull me back into the land of insecure misery lol

Sometimes I pretend I’m actually just an actor in a lifelong biopic and actually, it does help. Because then I realize how ludicrous almost everything is.

•

My moral alignment is chaotic neutral and I feel like it really defines me and I’m not ashamed of it.

Having a solid sense of understanding and identity is my #1 priority right now.

Idk ya’ll. I think I may like myself. Uh oh…shit. I might get all healed and take over the world!!!!! Watch out

•

A friend told me recently how he could see how I could be extremely easy to love but incredibly hard to deal with.

I was dying to ask for him to explain exactly what they meant and how/why he thinks this. Hi, I’m insecure.

But I held my tongue. Unsure as to why. Sense of pride or protection? I find myself holding in my thoughts much more frequently these days.

I guess subconsciously, I am more selective now about who I share myself with.

People are exhausting and honestly? I have worked/am working really hard to improve myself.

I will no longer give away pieces of myself with no regard or care.

Not sure what to make of it. I mean, he’s probably right. I can be a lot. Sometimes I swear I disassociate and I watch a version of me running full speed until my batteries run out

And all the while I’m banging on the glass like “Stop!!!!!!”

My brain hurts often.

•

I will try to stay positive and breathe through the tough moments.

Made it through Day 1. Again.

81 -

Feels like I’m losing my mind every other day.

Questioning my sense of reality more often than I ever have. Am I crazy?

I’m exhausted.

Sight Versus Vision: Navigating the Realms Within Shaina Tranquilino July 16, 2024

We often rely on our physical sight to perceive the world around us. It's how we navigate streets, recognize faces, and appreciate the beauty of nature. Yet, beyond this sensory input lies a deeper, more profound faculty: vision. Unlike sight, which captures the external, vision emanates from within us, guiding us through the intricate realms of thought, feeling, and emotion.

The Nature of Sight

Sight is our ability to see the physical world through our eyes. It allows us to observe shapes, colours, and movement, providing us with a tangible understanding of our surroundings. This sensory perception is crucial for survival and everyday tasks, shaping our immediate responses and interactions with the external environment.

The Power of Vision

Vision, on the other hand, transcends the physical. It originates from our innermost selves — our aspirations, beliefs, and values. It is the force that propels us forward, urging us to pursue our dreams and make meaningful contributions to our lives and the lives of others. Vision is not limited to what our eyes can behold; rather, it encompasses our imagination, intuition, and foresight.

Navigating the Realms Within

While sight helps us navigate the external world, vision guides us through the complexities of our inner landscapes:

Thought: Vision illuminates the paths of our intellectual pursuits, helping us discern knowledge, innovate, and explore new ideas.

Feeling: Vision connects us with our emotions, guiding us towards empathy, compassion, and understanding. It enables us to forge meaningful relationships and navigate the intricacies of human connection.

Emotion: Vision empowers us to recognize our deepest desires and ambitions. It fuels our determination, resilience, and ability to overcome obstacles on our personal journeys.

Cultivating Vision

Cultivating vision requires introspection and clarity of purpose. It involves aligning our actions with our core values and aspirations, thus fostering a sense of direction and fulfillment in our lives. Unlike sight, which is passive observation, vision is an active force that propels us towards growth and transformation.

Embracing the Balance

While sight and vision serve distinct purposes, their synergy is essential for holistic living. By harmonizing our external perceptions with our internal aspirations, we can achieve a profound sense of balance and harmony. This integration allows us to navigate the complexities of modern life with clarity, purpose, and resilience.

In the journey of life, both sight and vision play integral roles. While sight enables us to perceive the tangible world, vision empowers us to navigate the realms of thought, feeling, and emotion. By cultivating our vision — the inner compass that guides us — we can harness our true potential and shape a future aligned with our deepest aspirations. Let us embrace the power of vision to illuminate our paths and inspire meaningful change in ourselves and the world around us.

When I had to carry the kid I was before, I wondered if that little thing was what i used to call my enemy.

there's something about the mirror in the hallway

my reflection pours a whine glass wearing a webbed dress made of phantasmas i stare at her in the hallway such a shame, crying on a summer's day i don't understand her demands red excuses speak in different tongues an image of lace underwear haunts my daydream as a honeyed nightmare i'd write about you like a vine the graze of your cotton skin upon mine driving me nowhere i would know naked license plates coax me out of love am i wasting away in place? porcelain tears on an undrawn face laid by a statue's decency the clouds shape the moon's hidden lunacy my portrait of anonymity bedaubed in oil paint and nudity

Where do these Fetishes (sexual and non) come from?

Theory time, esteemed public!

Someone asked me about how I got into BE & gts (etc.), and composing my long-ass self-centred answer made me wonder - What about the rest of you all?

Why do you think you’re into this stuff?

Remember, there are no wrong answers ;)