Who Am I - Tumblr Posts - Page 2
34 -
My family thinks I’m absolutely nuts. They’re constantly whispering to younger cousins “don’t copy her” and “she’ll always be the wild one, never thinking”. I was desperate to fit in but I never really did. And now I’m out here wondering why the hell I ever wanted to in the first place.
Blood is thicker than water, but water has the power to dilute the strength of blood.
True, I can be reckless and impulsive. If I want something, I have to have it. I am selfish and persistent in my pursuit. Whether or not it’s good for me is another story. I’m stubborn and sensitive, sometimes blindly optimistic.
But frankly, if we spend time waiting for the perfect moment….it’ll never come. No matter how much we plan and prepare, there are always uncertainties.
I believe we have to create opportunities for ourselves. I don’t want to wait around and wonder, I want to know. If I fail (is anything really a failure or just a redirection?), then I have more information than I started with. Something was still gained.
Some caution is a good thing. However, awareness + acceptance always > caution.
It’s not about succeeding - it’s about trying. It’s about having faith, trusting that things are always working out in your favor. Reflection and introspection, then continuing to move forward. Everything is a lesson, to teach us more about ourselves.
At the end of my life, I want to be able to say I lived a full one. That I didn’t hold back out of fear. That I didn’t succumb to being a victim of circumstance, I didn’t stay complacent within the status quo. I don’t want there to be any “what-ifs”. I want to be able to say that it all had to happen this way. That I understand the meaning of my story.
That I loved fiercely and passionately. That I didn’t allow the injustices of the world to harden me. That I used my pain for good, turned it into hope. That I continued to strive for better, that I never gave up.
That I didn’t do it perfectly, but I did it with compassion, self-respect, and grace. That I confidently pursued my dreams and I humbly acknowledged my mistakes. That my experiences shaped me, they didn’t just happen to me.
At the end, I want to say that I know who I am and what I stand for. That in my life, I made the most of it to become the truest version of myself.
72 -
Random brain dump:
I am not great at school. Mostly because I struggle with consistency. In like…every aspect of my life. I’m smart, I test quickly & well. But I have a hard time staying focused, I get distracted & my sense of time is so warped. I think I walk around half disassociated all the time.
Also like…school is such a TASK *yawn*
So yes, I have ADHD.
I have been on a stimulant medication now for a few months At first, it turned the 10 channels in my head down to 2. The noise got quiet. It was amazing.
Now I think I’ve adjusted. I’m struggling again. I feel like I’m going crazy and have dementia at 30.
•
I really wanted to impress my final teacher. And well, I don’t think I did. She’s tough.
Today though, she told me that I’ve really pulled it together the last few weeks with my focus and being present. She knows I care and is proud of me.
This is going to sound terrible but because I already feel insecure about her “liking” me, I don’t feel like this was genuine. I am having trouble accepting it.
^ there’s my bitchy little twit (BLT) of a trauma voice trying to convince me I suck.
•
The pendulum swings between extremes before it reaches equilibrium. I’ve swung from a severe people pleaser to speaking my mind completely, anyone be damned.
Erm….it’s made a couple of things awkward. So like let’s hurry up and find my new comfort level with this.
I realized lately that while I may be all like “let me look deep into myself and come to terms with/embrace all of my shame and wear it proudly because that takes away its power to control me blah blah”- not everyone is there yet.
Whether they want to get there or not, how they get there, etc….none of my business.
I try really hard to stay in my own lane and worry about myself mostly. But it’s hard because I still feel the claws of my BLT trying to pull me back into the land of insecure misery lol
Sometimes I pretend I’m actually just an actor in a lifelong biopic and actually, it does help. Because then I realize how ludicrous almost everything is.
•
My moral alignment is chaotic neutral and I feel like it really defines me and I’m not ashamed of it.
Having a solid sense of understanding and identity is my #1 priority right now.
Idk ya’ll. I think I may like myself. Uh oh…shit. I might get all healed and take over the world!!!!! Watch out
•
A friend told me recently how he could see how I could be extremely easy to love but incredibly hard to deal with.
I was dying to ask for him to explain exactly what they meant and how/why he thinks this. Hi, I’m insecure.
But I held my tongue. Unsure as to why. Sense of pride or protection? I find myself holding in my thoughts much more frequently these days.
I guess subconsciously, I am more selective now about who I share myself with.
People are exhausting and honestly? I have worked/am working really hard to improve myself.
I will no longer give away pieces of myself with no regard or care.
Not sure what to make of it. I mean, he’s probably right. I can be a lot. Sometimes I swear I disassociate and I watch a version of me running full speed until my batteries run out
And all the while I’m banging on the glass like “Stop!!!!!!”
My brain hurts often.
•
I will try to stay positive and breathe through the tough moments.
Made it through Day 1. Again.
“you attract what you fear”
ahhh greasy slasher bois ahhhh
Hello Tumblr! Nice to meet you
Hi Tumblr, my name is Kaywin :)
My last name starts with A, which is why my blog title is ‘kaywina’.
I joined because I’d rather not support FB and IG, but still want a place to share my thoughts, adventures, pictures, and other silly stuff with the world, even if it means just posting into the void like this introduction.
If you’re reading this and want to know a bit about me, well -
I like to spend a lot of time outdoors, as much as possible really. I love cycling, skiing, skateboarding, swimming, and other sports.
I spend quite a bit of time poking around in the creeks and down by the river near where I live, playing my harmonica and singing to the birds and the squirrels. I think they like it!
I also like to read and write, and play games when I have the time. Mostly I like to play Nintendo and retro games. I like games that are cute and colorful best. I’ve been drawing and painting quite a bit recently, but I’m really terrible at it. Maybe I’ll share some of that in the future though... I have a young son whom I adore, and we have [edit - had :( …] a pet rat named Wagner. We live in a cozy little apartment on the West Coast of British Columbia, Canada. I think that’s about it for now! Nice to meet you, and looking forward to sharing more. All the best, -Kay
There is nothing I fear more than being asked to describe myself or tell something about me. Like why I are you assuming that I now myself? I don't even now who I am. I'm just existing and trying to survive :)
How do you expect me to build my future without the foundation of my past?
reblog if ur a cryptid gen z-millennial like me (born between 1994-2003)
Dear Diary #2
Today is another day in the life that I wish I had better control over. Recently I had done a reading for this Philly photographer I know of. for some shrooms. I had an interesting experience the first time I had tried it. So I wanted to try it again.
He's in town for New York fashion week. He stopped by my job to drop them off. Honestly I was a bit annoyed by him because he took an additional 3 hours to get to me. He through me off track for the evening. I have a nightly routine I like to keep to. I work out when I wake up, go to work and work out before I go to sleep.
Well, after getting the shrooms, I have to say that I honestly hesitated to take them. I was alone that night. And people have always said that if you're not experienced in it that you should not take them alone.... But! I did anyway. I like to make tinctures or teas. Instead of taking them flat out. To me I think it's easier to control them that way. If I have felt I've taken too much I can always dilute it. Or! so I thought.
After a few days of contemplating if I should do it or not. I evenly took out my portable coffee grinder. Placed the bits and pieces of the shrooms into the grinder and ground them into a course mix and added it to a tea that I had brewed for fat loss. Man!!!! was that shit nasty. lol There was not enough brown sugar in the world to replace that taste. lol
After taking a few sips, I was not feeling anything at all so I started to gulp it. Five min started to pass. Then ten, around twenty minutes. I started to hear the Tv slur. Which slightly freaked me out. I was too shocked because the high's I've ever experienced were head highs. Not body highs and this! This high, was both. I stared laughing for what ever reason. I was very confused about it. I felt like a child. I really did! I was scared & confused because I did not know what I should expect. But! at the same time I felt safe and wanted. Weird! right!?
My mind was too nervouse think about anything. Honestly all I could focus on was the good and not the bad. My shroom experience made me realize. I am not alone. I'm not a terrible man, I'm not hateful as much as I thought I was. And I'm only responding to what has been presented to me and this is not me. I'm actually a happy person. I'm beautiful or handsome if you want to add gender. I'm not a loser. I'm not alone. I have purpose and I have value. The people who walk with me in life are here because they choose to. Not because they have to. & to me that means the world. Because If you choose to do something. It says so much about the person you choose to do stuff for.
For years I have always been hard on myself. I let the experices I had define who I was. And not anymore! I'm strong enough to understand the difference between experiences and choices. All the things that I have been holding on to were and are experiences. Not my choice. Not me.
I'm not too sure if I would ever take shrooms again. I said out loud to myself several times, I don't like this feeling. I felt very whoosh and my motor functions were not the best. I felt like a methadone addict on 125th the way I was leaning in my house. The walls were trailing as I passed by them. I like it and did not like it at the same time. Ask me in a few months and I'll tell you how I feel. Knowing me, I'll probably say yes again. lol
Albeit this is me sharing my experience with you. Not! telling you to do it. I needed to know for myself what this was about and I was curious about it. Since, I've done a very small amount before this experience. I also called my Enchantress friend. So technically I was not a lone. even though She lives in the next state over!
I think there is something so terrifying with being someone who's birthname isn't their own. Every name I try leads me back to that odd spot, "it's not my name". There's something so deep within me that wants something impossible for the human tongue to reach, but is still me. But I'll never have that, no name fits. But maybe it's just the fact every name I've tried has been used to hurt me, maybe that's why I want to be untouchable.
the aliens are coming
Me every morning when I wake up
hiii chattt what do u do when u just straight up can’t tell who u r rn