Horrible - Tumblr Posts - Page 3

i just realized how much i dislike this "hey" of theirs. this comforting "hey". especially in phrases such as "hey, it's okay not to do everything at once, hey, you did your best, hey, you deserve rest, it's okay if you don't do anything productive", i just HATE it, because IT'S NOT OKAY, and NO, i didn't do my best and no, i don't bloody deserve rest if i did absolutely nothing. because such comforts make me go mad and if you ever say those things to me, i'll think of you as of a person who doesn't care about me - well, in case you think you do - and just chose those everywhere-accepted words to comfort me, unable to see that i am being, in fact, a lazy, dumb, stupid and unproductive cow.

this "hey" is just... everywhere. hey. hEy. truly disgusting, it reminds me of cold tea with too much sugar, or that uncomfortable position in bed with lots of blankets on, or that cloudy horrible day when you've got dirty hair and no means to wash it. or vanilla things. i hate vanilla things. and vanilla hugs. hugs are not for me, unless they're strong and meant to be... real hugs.

those vanilla things, god how i hate them. this... "comfort wannabe" drives me mad. i want to slap someone's face when i hear those or have to accept that i won't hear anything but those.

yeah, and this hey has only one use for me: when you shout, "HEY NATH", or "HEY THOSE WERE MY CHICKEN NUGGETS", then i love you... and i'll be in lots of trouble by then so i won't even be bothered by whether you used that word or not.

Fandom tag game

Three ships you used to be obsessed with: TKKO, Fernfinn, whatever the ship name was for Sammy Lawrence x Bendy

Three ships you're obsessed with now: Yumakoyomi, Dirkhalcal, Dottoscara

Top blorbos ever: Scaramouche (Genshin), Makoto (Raincode), Hal (Homestuck)

First fandom: OK KO! Let's be Heroes!

Fandoms you're in now: Raincode, Homestuck, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Vocaloid, Danganronpa

Describe your first fan creation, or the oldest one you remember: Uhhh i think I made a ton of oneshots on wattpad about TKKO doing various domestic activities? I think there was one about shopping for Christmas gifts. There were also the doodles I made on my homework but yeagh

Favorite character dynamic: Guy but wait. There's multiple of the guy and now they gotta interact

"I don't go here but this pair seems fun" ship: "Timebomb" from Arcane, my friend sends me memes of them and they seem super silly! I need to watch Arcane... oh well

Ships that still float around in your brainspace/honorable mentions: Billford, Kiibocest, Pregame Saiibo, I think I shipped Steven x Pink Steven for awhile, Catrouble (is that the ship name. I don't even know. It's Catra x Double Trouble)

Tags:

@wackpedion @growling @emo-grinch

Yall don't have to do this this is for fun. Wanted to try my hand at one of these... no idea if it's good but yeagh

Quand j'ai vu l'annonce de Nintendo sur la 2DS...

that ptsd feeling where you’re simultaneously both touch-starved and touch-repulsed at literally any given time

Healing in a nutshell

Consistently trying to resolve completely contradictory feelings and convincing myself amid my confusion and misery that it's ok to feel this way.

I need a breather

I was composing a post regarding him sending me snippits of an article ( generous term, since I seem to recall it being a reddit gem) entitled ”How to Know You’re Dating a Slut.”  It’s as charming as it sounds from what I remember but details will have to wait for another post. 

You see, I made a horrible, horrible mistake: I tried to search for the article.  Like, by typing the title above into Google.  

You should try it.  Actually don’t; it’s horrible. The results you get are just.... ludicrous.  I’m barely keeping myself from drowning in my own guilt and self loathing, and it was too much.

So that project above is on indefinite hiatus.  The internet is an awful place.  Who knew.

I am not terribly social at work, but i used to be on friendly terms with one of my coworkers before they switched employers. Two years ago their spouse had an accident; the spouse and a friend blew up a shed they were inside of.

I don't know the story well mostly because the two didn't remember much of what happened. They were using propane for something and one of them absentmindedly lit a joint. Both were lucky to be alive.

My response when I found out was probably normalish:

" I'm so sorry! That must have been so scary! Are they ok? Are you okay? Are your kids okay? Is there anything you need? How can I help?"

His response? "What a fucking moron. You can't be friends with someone who chooses to continue to be with that idiot."

So he wanted my friend to leave their partner while they were laying in a hospital bed after having been thrown 30+ feet by an explosion. Burnt, broken and taumatized. All because one of them made an error and as if the horrifying consequences of that mistake weren't sufficient 'punishment,'

And my friend who spent the subsequent weeks healing and helping their lover get back on their feet was an "idiot" and a "fool". And was " no friend of [mine]."

If that doesn't summarize his capacity for compassion I don't know what would.

NO

I’m crying so hard.

I was desperate to hear him say this for years.

I can’t explain how I’m feeling, but I don’t feel good about any of it.  

I hope he says something horrible tomorrow.

Unwanted Visitor

Tw - csa;

I melted down today.

My uncle who decided to stick his tongue down my throat when I was 13, and asked me if I wanted to fuck my uncle is coming to visit. And staying with my parents. I currently live with my parents.

My folks were not aware of the shit he did. My mother asked me how I felt about him coming and i said that I didn't know. Then in a moment of .... Fucking ... Something i told her he'd been ' inappropriate ' with me. And i would not be staying with him while he was there.

She responded by insisting i talk about what happened - I didn't. And when I said I was a little girl she said " well, you weren't that little... "

I.... Cant. I have barely enough cranial to deal with one crisis. I cannot handle another situation now.

I also haven't worked through this one at all with a therapist. It was buried real deep. REAL DEEP. Under a great deal of shame - because i think i told him that i did, i may have flirted back and feel somewhere that this was something I had asked for.

Fucked up relationships with men? Gosh, wonder where that came from...

Nothing tastes as good...

TW - for ED perhaps?  

He was superb at exacerbating issues and insecurities I already had.

I have a love/hate relationship with my body.  Rationally I can say that I am an athletic woman and even at my heaviest I was not overweight. And even if I was, I personally do not find a person’s size has any bearing on whether or not they are attractive.  But when I look at myself in the mirror, all I see are problems that require fixing.

I’ve talked a bit about anxiety, magical thinking, and my propensity for self harm as punishment. These seeds I believe were planted before he came into the picture.  However he kept them well watered.

First it was about food:  There was the nonsense about me doing all of the cooking.  Following that, he would get angry if I did not have dinner on the table exactly when he wanted it regardless of how unreasonable that expectation was. So the solution was to go out to eat a lot (and wait for someone else to cook the meal? Just one of those illogical things I didn’t question).

I like eating out - variety is great, and I can usually find something tasty that is at least marginally healthy. Yeah, that often means salads, but I promise you it’s not a bad way to go if you know how to order.  

However he wasn’t having it.  Salads tend to be about the same price as an entree, or as he put it "expensive for nothing." Money was always a concern for us me, particularly at the beginning of our cohabitation when we were broke.

So I had to start ordering food that he deemed appropriate. I put on a bit of weight.  And, boy, he loved to tell me about it.  Sometimes it was direct, like when he told me it looked like I'd  had a baby knowing fully that my stomach was the part of my body that I was most insecure about.  Other times it was a bit more subtle - checking out women, or sending me pictures of women he thought were outrageously attractive who were all quite thin and noticeably thinner than me.  

The worst by far was the sinister and vindictive things. Like when he would grab some “fat” during sex and wink at me.  Or talk about how guys in his industry have it so rough because their wives let themselves go and then wonder why their husbands turn to escorts for satisfaction.

My reaction was probably not shocking:  I went through a very destructive phase of extreme calorie deficient eating.  

It was the perfect way to hurt myself.

This is really humiliating.

And slightly disgusting.

I have a hang up with seeing people on the toilet and vice versa. I know it’s not common for someone to really like that, but often couples or close friends sort of ‘get over it’ and do it if the situation demands.  

I can’t.  It makes my skin crawl.  Multiply it by 1000 if they are pooping.

He took every possible opportunity to force me to come in to the bathroom while he was taking a dump.  Be it he was out of tp or he just wanted to tell me something.  

He walked in on me a handful of times. I felt vulnerable and powerless most of the time, but never so much as those moments.

He knew this.  He knew I hated it so much.  He knew it would drive me to drink and that it actually made me cry once.   Even now I’m having to break to pace the floor.  But he thought it was funny.  He also liked that I’d have to smell his shit.

I am so angry.

Inheritance

My eldest brother has a substance abuse problem. A few years ago my parents had to bail him out of a huge financial hole he dug for himself and his wife.

My dad was furious. FURIOUS. Contemplating-going-to-the-lawyer-to-change-the-will kind of furious.

I am not a fan of my brother, but I talked my dad down anyway. Dad was angry, and that's a terrible time to make big financial decisions. 

When I informed him that Dad was considering taking my brother out of the will and I had talked him out of it, he was so angry with me. "You just fucked yourself. You fucked us!"

He wasn't a fan of my brother either, but he just thought he was a bit of a dope. He didn't really know/register my dislike for him or the reasons for it. So he just wanted me to sell my brother up the creek so I'd get a part of his inheritance. And by "I" we know I mean "we" which we know means "he."

He makes me so sick.

Why did I cheat?  

I cheated to feel a private victory over him. I didn’t want to actually hurt him; he wasn’t ever supposed to ever find out.  It was my secret; just my little reminder that not everyone shared his opinion of me.  Even if that was just because they didn’t know me well enough to see all my ugly bits as he did.

I cheated to feel better about myself. They told me I was irresistible, funny, and interesting. That he was a fool for neglecting me. They flattered me to get what they wanted. I knew that, but pretended like they were pining for the woman they couldn't actually have. It inflated me temporarily, which was enough some days to prevent me from killing myself.

I cheated to distract myself and have something to look forward to. My meets ups were never near as exciting as the planning and build up. A little adrenaline to supplement the cortisol. Good substitute for the old s and d, right? Right.

I cheated to detach myself further.  Meaningless sex made me colder, cynical, unfeeling. Heartless. You would be amazed what you can endure when nothing matters.

I cheated to survive. That's not an excuse. That is a statement.

A little over a week ago I was going through a strong " missing him" phase. At those times I try to reread some of my old posts to snap out of it.

This one is a gem.

IT WAS THAT BAD

When we were working on the basement last summer, he got some concrete work done. So there was  some time where the floor in the basement was all broken up.  He told me if I kept upsetting him he’d bury my body there and cover me up with concrete.  

No one would ever know.

I just realized he deleted all of my pictures from my trip to Brazil.

I am so furious. He tried to erase my history!

Visiting our grocery store today took my breath away. And I couldn't get it back.

I had a terrible dream.

I let a man have me on the curb outside a store in broad daylight. There were people around. I was trying to get off while not getting much enjoyment. He left me on the ground after he finished like a piece of garbage, but waved goodbye.

The guilt sunk in. How was I going to tell my woman about this?

In some ways, I knew that feeling. At times when I was unfaithful to him and I uncompartmentalized for a second I would feel uncomfortable, a tightness in my gut, something with a tinge of guilt but mostly just shame.

This was that, with far more guilt than I could take. My woman is so supportive, so good to me; I only want for her to feel happy and loved always. And here I was slipping back into the worst parts of me and disgracing us both.

Unlike when I was with him and continually taking the easy way out, I had made the decision within the dream to come clean to her and accept the consequences. Every part of me felt sick.

Despite the fantastical details (like somehow dodging an indecency charge), I had to reassure myself as I awoke that I didn't actually do such a horrible thing. It felt too much like the old me.

I feel the urge to confess something, so I'm going to tell her about the dream.

My subconscious is an asshole.

It's done.

Now to deal with the guilt of leaving my staff and possibly of having to bum gas money off my wonderfully supportive and uplifting woman.

He would tell me I'm trash. And no matter how many times she reassures me of the opposite, it's his words that seem to stick.

I'm resigning from my job tomorrow. As of right now i will be without work at the end of the month ( if he doesn't fire me first).

Boutta do some angst with my demon ocs