Dying Inside - Tumblr Posts

baltimore

Baltimore,  again.  8 AM, sweating, shaking  on the verge of puking up  stomach acid.  the car is dead silent.  are we early?  are they late?  is this how its going to be   forever?  who knows.  who cares.  i’ve been watching time  pass and slip through  the cracks between my fingers.  it seems more apparent  than usual.  we are parked at a gas pump.  each time i make eye contact  its quickly broken.  i know what they are thinking.  ‘what a shame.’  ‘my morning could be worse.’  maybe they even feel   gratitude.  as they finish filling up,  i watch them reach for   their phones.  i wonder if they are calling  their daughters and sons.  on the surface,  just to check in.  but inwardly,   thankful their children  aren’t heroin addicts.  no one wants their baby to grow up  to be  a junkie.  i steal a glance at my other half  she’s ill  but she’s beautiful.  she’ll feel better soon enough.  a young handsome black man  starts over  and my heart  skips a beat.  we exchange currency   for oblivion.  we drive away to find  somewhere to hit.  it feels like   my first kiss.  i can’t remember what makes me happy anymore.  my happiness is   artificial  and fits nicely  in a syringe.  when i get on,  i can breathe again.   i melt into the passenger seat,  successful.  i watch her try to find a vein,  in and out of consciousness.  she’s millimeters away from getting well.  she’ll get there.  i let myself nod but  for a moment,   i wonder  what that young, handsome black man  wanted to be   when he grew up.  i guess it doesn’t matter.  everyone crosses paths at the bottom.

I cant sleep but

the birds aren’t singing yet.

I try and count the seconds between

cars passing on the road near my windowsill

17, 18, 19, 20..

I don’t feel reassured by the silence

because there’s so much noise in my head.

there’s a voice in my head that isn’t mine

taunting me

saying over and over again,

“he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead.”

I tried to wake my wife up

I told her,

my voice shaky,

my eyes filled with tears,

she said, “Casey, shit happens like this all the time. I’m trying to sleep.”

I felt nothing before,

now I feel less than nothing.

how many times can I allow my heart to be broken?

not just by others,

but by me as well?

I don’t recognize the person I have become.

It’s 3:30 in the morning.

I feel like a ghost.

I force the loneliness and despair out of me,

but it’s thick like tar.

I file this loss, this pain, this grief, with the other ones.

I don’t know how much more I can take.

there’s a secret door in my chest that leads to my heart where I keep the key.

I return it, close the door, and feel numb again

I wanted to cry for him

I wanted to cry for me

I really hope God knows how angry I am

How full of resentment I am.

everyone kept telling me that it would get better

I light a cigarette and wonder.

I wonder where 34 years went.

wasted, wasted, wasted.

I guess I spent too much time playing god

instead of praying to god but please,

I can’t handle much more.

no one should have to carry this much pain.

I will suffer but you have to trade me.

give me back some of the good memories

and I will shoulder the burden of loss.

let me be able to smile when I miss them.

I’ll do anything.

just let me remember.

"give your heart"

*violently sobs

So today I made cookies

And I brought them to my class (because I don't have a life and want people to like me) and my crush keeps telling me she loves me (cuz I brought her food duh) and I'm blushing like hell and feel all warm and happy but also low key dying inside because I don't think she would say that if she was gay so... There's that...

You know that feeling when you have a crush

That you don't have a chance with? That feeling like you're dying on the inside and just wanna stop existing and everything is so horrible and exhausting? ISN'T THAT SUCH A LOVELY FEELING?!?

OMG so funny

Hahaha.

The more I scroll down #maladaptive daydreaming, the more I relate to stuff, the more I’m dying inside.

at first I was struggling to come up with the main plot for my VN (Stand Guard) Then after a small break I got a wave of so many ideas, and keep expanding the plot 😂 I was trying to keep this story simple, but my darn brain just loves world building and adding extra details. Auggg- it’s like a curse and a blessing at the same time.

me when I just bought a Roblox moon avatar and the head I use’s bundle got deleted (?) ..

I was so excited to have her I’m. on the floor

(I used the “Doll” bundle and now I literally am dying inside because it’s deleted..)

and nothing is working as a replacement for her head ,, (WHY ARE THERE NO BLUE HEADS OH MY GOD)

When your note that takes few second to wrote got few more likes more than an hour you spend on drawing:

yknow that feeling when you havent worn your binder in a week and you put it on and can feel your lungs dying?

Honestly with these finals coming up -_-

when something stressful comes up

Waking up and wishing you could not

Made a pot of tea an hour ago and forgot about it, I microwaved it to heat it up but now I feel unclean

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take

Sure my bf is getting distant and things are getting awkward, but at least I've got VR mini golf night with my cousins tonight

lol, I feel like I'm wasting my time just tryna talk to her having to juggle this pile of shit and studies is gonna make me flip so bad like I can't anymore what the fuck I can't even like to show any attitude cos my fucking fam is like "there she goes again" "look she got attitude problem" LIKE DUDE NOT EVERYTHING IS ATTITUDE IM GENUINELY KINDA FUCKING EXHAUSTED YOU KNOW?

Canceled my first draft of catnap, came up with something better. For not doing a heavy drawing for a few years I think I did ok? Had to relearn a few things lmao. I normally don’t post but since @onyxonline ask box I closed I decided to post it here. Might delete later,

Studied till 6:30 in the morning then woke up at 2 in the afternoon. Dragged myself out of the bed by 2:30, got refreshed and ate lunch (I guess?). Worked on the psychology practical file again with my mom as my subject. Rushed myself because I was late for Karate class. 5:35 got back home. Right now, laying in bed waiting for water to heat up for the nice and hot shower (as much as I love cold showers it's winter season and I don't want to fall sick in exam time).

I still have my practical file to complete and also have to write 3 projects. Submission day is tomorrow, hopefully will be able to complete it by tomorrow morning.

I'M FUCKING DYING...!!!

DYING INSIDE Written, Composed & Arranged by Michael Woodhead Copyright ©1976, 2021

(This is the music-only version until I get an opportunity to add vocals)

Are you dying inside Are you lost out at sea Are you reaching for Truth That you deny is so free

Are you lost in despair Are you lonely and sad Are you searching for Someone Who can make your life glad

Are you dying inside Are you cold and afraid Are you full of regrets Are you in a charade

Are you hiding in sorrow Are you living in sin Are you searching for something Are you crying within

There is an answer Yes, there's a way Jesus, the Saviour Accept Him today

BAHAHHAHA NO UR FINE! i’m dying oh my god they are super cute like that! i mean like these :

TELL ME USHI DOESNT WEAR THESE IN HIS FREE TIME (༎ຶ௰༎ຶ) im screaming

ushi wears socks with sandals. that’s the post.

-> and they are the grandpa, high-calf, white socks.